july 1st!

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

All right, so. TODAY.

Philadelphia was GORGEOUS. It was sunny and nice out, we got to walk a few blocks to the place, I was really centered so all the sights and sounds and colors and smells were super clear. Everything felt beautiful. I forgot how much I love cities.
There was one moment when I was crossing the street in front of this old fancy building, and Laurie appeared momentarily to my left, saying "we used to have a whole city like this, kid," before she went back upstairs. But that stuck in my head as I looked back up and around-- I had never realized how enormous cities are on the inside! Like those buildings are full of things, so many floors and rooms, and they're not empty. I think most of the skyscrapers in Central were placeholders, so to speak-- a lot of them were hollow, acting more as light beacons than buildings, and overgrown with trees. Really, we didn't even have streets until the lockout period last year; there was just floating space, almost infinite, going down into glowing depths. So yeah, walking through Philly and suddenly realizing the sheer size of the place, both in terms of buildings and population, was amazingly overwhelming. I treasured my time there.
My case worker and her supervisor (who drove me down; they are such sweethearts) stopped at the Reading Terminal Market on the way out to buy cookies, I had to smile at that, they were so psyched over it. Also I rode in four different elevators and didn't get nervous, take that lingering claustrophobia! Really, I ride elevators all the time in dreams, and I like them then. So I just decided to bring that mindset into reality today.
Overall I was very, very present during the trip, which was great. My head's been noisy lately so having it be so clear and quiet was such a blessing. Maybe I should thank the total lack of sleep.
Oh, no, no I know who I have to thank as well. Since I only got 4 hours of sleep tops, the trip to the city was spent half-awake, listening to SOHN on my CD player, and talking to Chaos Zero. Maybe I shouldn't even call it talking. He doesn't always get out of bed until late, so he was still lying in it when I showed up, and so we both just sat on the edge of it and listened to the music for at least a half hour. I love when we're both soporific; the mood is so much nicer. Also, yes, during that time period I told him about my worries with the empathy bleedover, negatively? And I paid close attention to what I was radiating, and how he was reacting, etc... yeah, that theory seems to be absolutely true.
I think at one point he formed a Starlink with me and just quietly showed me a lot of past memories, things from Jewel's timeline that I had forgotten or didn't really recall, things from his perspective... I remember seeing the past *incidents* before Genesis joined us, mainly. It was notable because he was reminding me of what he remembered, not what I assumed-- I have a very bad habit of projecting onto people, and not realizing what they're actually feeling because "shouldn't it be this way?" "i thought it was this way," et cetera. And being an Outspacer I unfortunately project fandom perspectives onto him, that don't and can't apply, because they don't match his experiences in this timeline... BUT both the canon and the fanon have been creepily similar to how I know him, over the years. So I get confused. But you know that. Nevertheless I miss the Starlinks so much; again, I treasure those shared memories so much, as well as that temporary direct link into his own mind, completely trusting and sincere. I really do revere that as much as I love it.

Where were we. Philadelphia. There was synchronicity EVERYWHERE, numbers were jumping out of every location. I saw 1111 at least three times, lots of 222s, a few 444s and 555s, you get the picture. And everyone I interacted with there was so nice. The ladies in the elevators, the dudes on the streets, the cashiers at the Terminal-- and especially everyone at the Center I went to, they are always nice though. My doc has the craziest blue eyes, plus I don't think he blinks much, it's funny. He has a salt-and-pepper beard and is always smiling, he kept shaking my hand and giving me Laurie-style bops on the shoulder, it was adorably awesome. It made my day actually.
But yeah, HORMONES ARE HAPPENING and I am absolutely psyched. I don't have them on hand yet because the insurance company is all "dude we need authorization because your gender marker doesn't match this product" but the center is going to call them about it, and my pharmacy said that afterwards they'll have it there ASAP. So yeah, I'm super happy about that. I'm content though, too, because so many years and journeys led up do this, it's not rushed or manic, it's a peaceful informed decision. So I'm just very happy about this, I'm smiling all evening.

Oddly the depression hit horribly when I got home? Temporarily. I had some slight food trouble (I didn't eat all day), not bad but enough to make me feel grimy and sick, mostly because of the awful heat. But I don't remember that whatsoever, there's just data that it happened. Someone must have switched out. That's upsetting, that that sort of thing still occurs, but I'll hold on to forgiveness and compassion there, that's the only thing that can heal such behavior, as it's the result of a lot of pain and sadness.
But yeah that didn't get bad, it was coped with? Somehow. I'm really glad. All I know though is that I almost passed out from the heat, I actually had to soak my clothing in ice water and sit in front of a fan with them on, seriously that got me cooled off real quick. I have to laugh at that, I didn't realize it was July 1st, this morning (5AM) my Tumblr feed was full of Christmas stuff (Christmas in July, see?) and I burst out laughing, it was great. I love that season. I also love how Javier literally smells like it, all cloves and nutmeg and warm candles. Have him stand next to Nathaniel, who smells like pine trees and spruce, and then we've got Christmas going on!

I spent some time with Chaos this evening, around 10PM I think? Time completely lost all meaning then, so I don't know if we were together for 5 minutes or an hour, and I don't care because it was utterly gorgeous. I miss that too, these small but honest connections. I miss him. I keep downplaying my total love for him, how much I adore him, I don't know how I ever doubted it. I miss him and I miss feeling this ardent love with him, even for short (infinite) periods of time, out in the quiet summer air under the stars. And of course I miss the mental rainbow confetti, haha. Geez that blows my mind, I cannot put into words what that feels like whatsoever, just believe me when I say it is overwhelmingly lovely. It's literally 'sweet' in a psychological sense if that makes sense? Like color-wise it's all rainbow cloud swirls (with Laurie it's geometry), but as for how it feels it is actually sweet, I have no other word for it. NOT sugar sweet though, that's the wrong kind. More like... roses. Vanilla flowers. Spring rain. It's light, delicate, intimate, beautiful. Not fragile, but not overwhelming, not sharp. It's the perfect light pink color, pure true affection. It's what Infi radiates when ze's feeling idealistic, is that the right word? CZ's usually that rich aquatic depth color so having such a soft pink hue with him today was really unique but incredibly memorable. Really I wish I could express it in visuals or something, it was so beautiful. Heaven feels like that, it's got to.

Genesis's 9TH BIRTHDAY is this Friday, seriously that is one heck of a long time, happy birthday babe. I have no idea what we're going to do for it, but I'm not worried. This is the first time I've been around to celebrate his birthday, so I'm looking forward to it. I love him a lot, he's my best friend and I am so thankful to have him here. I'm sad that he hasn't been around much lately but he's not dim in terms of perception, thankfully. He always makes an effort to show up, even for a few moments, and that means so much to me.
We'll have to spend all day on the 3rd listening to Earth Wind & Fire and Chicago, in memory of that pre-date that neither of us were around to remember, haha. Irony! But it's fun. It's good music too.

Sorry I'm typing oddly, I didn't get much sleep of course.
HOWEVER that is because I've been confirming THIS for the past two hours!



YES THAT IS THE NEW SPECTRUM COLOR FLOWCHART LINEUP.
It's gorgeous, seriously as soon as I sketched that I thought "THAT'S IT" and it does work beautifully, absolutely beautifully. There was always geometry hidden in the Spectrum "loops" of the past but this is just the COOLEST so far. I'm psyched.
Here, have some straight lines too, because Black and White DO fit into the "flow" direction this way.


So there we go! This just feels "right" so I'm not going to mess with it anymore.
I'll talk more about it tomorrow. All you need to know right now is that only the Lime Core has an unknown holder, because no one knows what Cel's deal is. Surprisingly, Aqua and Cyan are solidly spoken for, as far as things go right now.
(btw the ENTIRE Outspacer phenomenon seems to have TOTALLY SHIFTED so more on that as it happens, I don't know if the old stuff applies at all anymore)
Oh yeah, next up are the color symbols. They apply to ENERGY, not people, and I think they're based on synesthesia? That feels most correct when I try. But we'll see. I'm excited either way. This sort of work gives me joy, especially since it's based around these people that I love and admire. I just always liked this sort of technical art, from a 3rd person perspective. I'm just the dude organizing all the rainbow geometry, don't mind me dear.

Last but not least, to all you lovelies in the Akuna System, I apologize for not getting back to you lately but things have been busy. I did get your messages and I will respond as soon as I can, and I will also start trying to sketch things as soon as I feel the capability to, promise. You're all lovely and we do need to talk more, Laurie says we need to talk more too, I get the hint love. It's just that Xanga sessions take upwards of 5 hours every time and that's sometimes tricky to pull off. Ah what the heck though, I miss them, I miss you, we need to reconnect mentally, things are slippish and that needs to be put back in tune. Let's chat it up then, how about tomorrow evening or Thursday, nothing's booked then that I know of. Sounds like a plan, let's do it. Laurie is laughing, I know I sound ridiculous at this hour, she says "no it's just adorably hilarious." How did I guess!

Infi I love you too dear, ze was shielding me with hir wings through Philadelphia by the way, ze hasn't done that in months and I forgot how powerfully beautiful it feels. But it helped so much, I'm not always too keen at shielding myself from energy overwhelm, Genesis knows that very well, so Infi stepped up to shield me big-time since we were in a big-time city! But it was lovely, as I said. I liked the sunlight and trees on the streets, and looking in the windows of places, all the people that I didn't know but who are all part of this big picture just as I am. You can see the universe in anyone's eyes, if you look honestly enough. It's easy to see. It's amazing really. I like to do that, lately life feels so nice, even with the days of "existential depression" that hit, the good days and moments are so intensely spectacular that they are worth walking on for. Ryman said something like that once. And Genesis is "hope" to me, like he said I am to him, a long time ago. Also when I had to get a medical receipt for the mum, Infi reminded me of the yogurt shop again today too, the one where we sat in the car in front of it and I joked about snogging hir if ze were there. I think that day was my birthday? Or the day before. Headvoice/heartvoice birthdays aren't quite so literal; for people who show up strong all-at-once like Laurie that is their birthday, but for those who "fade in" like me, the birthday is the first important date that they felt truly conscious, and aware as their own individual. I don't have ANY individual memories until October 8th 2013, then nothing until the 21st or so, and from November on I was good. I'm trying to review stuff. But yes, it was nice for Infi to remind me of that, I didn't even think of it. Ze also tried walking on a car like Genesis always does (old injokes ahoy!) and it was adorably hilarious, just like me Laurie, because you know how Infi walks with those legs (very graceful actually, very pretty) and ze was giggling because seriously, who walks on cars. Crazy people like us that's who. Todd Rundgren just came on Spotify, "A Treatise On Cosmic Fire III" actually. His old stuff is so cool.

Anyway. Sleep is needed, it's 1AM. I love you guys, thanks for reading, I'm doing well, today was so nice. I hope your day was too!