shards

 

Quick update. I have internet access for a very short time this morning, and this is literally the only site I can access.
However, life has once again demonstrated its tendency to shove a mountain of new info on me in ridiculously short time periods, so here you go.

At least two "new" "alters" showed up over the past 24 hours. Both of those words are in quotations because:
1) I don't use the world 'alters" personally, as it feels incorrect, but these are NOT headvoices, and all seem to be tied to the body, and
2) A few of them have been around for a long time.

The most familiar one is the "musical one." This is the one I often refer to, amusedly, as the "punk rocker." She's hilariously loud and extroverted, always yelling and whooping and acting like life is a concert, but she's never in a bad mood. The pro: she is an amazing musician, and is the one who plays piano and actually wrote most of the stuff on my Last.fm. The con: She cannot front around other people yet. Yeah, as long as we're home alone, she can front for HOURS, but the moment someone walks in the door, boom, she is gone. She often shows up when I'm driving a car-- I, Jewel, cannot listen to music when I drive (as I melt into it and lose most of my outside comprehension), but she BLASTS it. So if the body's driving and someone is loudly singing along and laughing at the same time, it's not me. It's her.
She's one of the alters that can ONLY exist as a consciousness in the body, and seems unable to anchor upstairs? Trying to give her a name or talk to her makes her disappear immediately. So maybe interaction in general completely nullifies her presence. We'll see.
Weirdly though, she's VERY similar to whoever was the main body front during 2003-2005 or so, until I started socializing online and someone else was born. This would mean she is the ORIGINAL "spinningcannon," although that name's energy has been so mutilated over the years that it only matches the online presence of the same name-- a histrionic, flattering, hypocritical girl who is unfortunately the person who made most of our "online friends." What's bizarre though is that she can only exist ONLINE-- once relationships started moving offline (especially with Q), she suddenly began degenerating rapidly, and the first hints of "Jess" appeared.
We're getting off topic though. I need to research this voice more, as it poses as many questions as it answers.

The newest voice is far more stable, and appears to be a "solidification" of two body-states that ALWAYS push me out of fronting. The first is the "logical" state, which actually was active for my ENTIRE therapy session last week-- my only recollection of that session is someone looking at the bookcase and explaining, "that reaction made no sense." This one's the super-analyst, that will find all logical inconsistencies it can. The second state is the "professional" one-- an emotionally unruffled one that is all business and has no time for small talk or friendliness. These two voices appeared to "fuse" yesterday evening, during an event that apparently triggered them both simultaneously-- I remember hearing them both thinking in conflict, and the mental "noise" was so loud I was hiding upstairs wishing it would all just stop already. Unusually, as of this morning (when it had to discuss legal things with the body's father) this voice seems to have named itself "Mulberry Delta," and it is a very professionally-dressed woman as far as body-overlays go. It has hair in this style, but in a raspberry pink kind of like this. I know this because I mentally questioned the oddness of that sort of hair on such a stoic voice, wondering if I was perceiving it correctly, and the voice actually responded, admonishing me that it could "have whatever sort of hair it wanted to."
The problem with this voice is that it feels wrong. I'm serious. There's a very foreboding, heavy aura around it that does NOT bode well at ALL. This is almost definitely because, with THAT color, she fits into one of the "mutated slots" that I've theoretically drawn into our current Headspace map... Razor had been holding their potential since last year, but Jess' reappearance added enough extra punch for them to "lock in." Why am I so worried? Because each mutant slot has THREE parts. The third color in their unholy trinity is a reddish pink.
The other mutant trio is Cyan, Teal, and either Ice or Mint (depending on the slot lineup)... currently Kyanos and Emmett are the only ones there, but according to Nathaniel, as of last night Kyanos has de-stabilized enough to "fade away" again. Whatever that kid is anchored to, it's not stable, and Nat knows better than all of us (as he experienced this same terrible thing), if we don't fix that, Kyanos will die and possibly reset again. But we'll get to that.

Let's go back to Jess for a while, as I'm learning more about her by the day. She's the angry, narcissistic, selfish, complaining one, that we've realized is the reason why we've been a mess downstairs lately-- at least for the most part. See, she identifies with the body, and therefore the body's name. So when people call "her" name... she comes out, angry and scathing and hate-filled. She's chronically pessimistic and doesn't want to do anything but argue when she's out... because, as you may remember, we've discovered that she and Razor are intrinsically linked.
Jess is the one that screams when she gets through. She screams whenever she doesn't get what she wants, like a demon child throwing a tantrum... and often, "what she wants" is for none of us upstairs to exist. Jess whines and complains and insults and shouts, but she never cries. That's the main difference between her and the old Jessica... the old one cried and hated herself, whereas this new one shouts and hates everyone else. This new Jess is "happy" as long as the world idolizes her, doing only what she wants, never criticizing or correcting her, and not talking to her unless she says they're allowed to speak. She's a princess in an evil kingdom, and the moment you question her corrupted rule, she will spit her undying hatred at you with a voice like a raid siren, and if you persist, well, then she'll turn and leave... and immediately there will be a knife in your back.
That's Razor. I cannot think of a single instance where this new Jess has appeared without Razor following in close pursuit, and that's a problem, considering how often Jess is showing up nowadays.
Razor is maniacally energetic, and never stops grinning. Problem is, she exists solely to kill us. She was born in the first ever incident when I tried to cause the body hate-fueled pain, and suddenly my consciousness shattered and someone else was there, giggling madly and watching the blood run down, holding a razor in its hand. Then suddenly everyone was upstairs, and there she was, this red-haired insane thing, holding her namesake weapon and running at me with it. Laurie and her fought while I shook uncontrollably somewhere, barely aware of what was happening, only knowing that something important just broke, something vital was just cracked in half. An eternity later, Laurie emerged victorious, her axe the color of that thing's eyes, and I don't remember the next several years.
Razor was nothing but a fever dream until last February. Since then, she's been a living nightmare. Now, that nightmare is overtaking my waking hours, and I'm desperate to wake up. I try to remind myself that she's not me, I'm not her, and that helps a little... but it doesn't do much to alleviate the horror that hits me when I'm suddenly standing in a locked bathroom, looking down at lines of blood searing across our skin.
This needs to stop. I'm just not sure how to do that yet.
There's a bit of hope though. Since both Jess and Razor seem to be strangely anchored to "home situations"-- they are very easily triggered here, but not when we're outside, and when we stayed with my dad for that while in 2010, they gained strength with every extra day we were there-- we MIGHT be able to stay upstairs in my dad's rented place for a while, and see if that helps. And hey, even if that doesn't work, our dad almost never uses the body's name to refer to us. That alone should be an advantage for us.
I'll have to talk it over with the system, and work things out downstairs in terms of what to bring with me-- since I've lost most of my possessions, I thankfully can literally live out of a suitcase right now. Maybe by this weekend we'll have a solid decision. Now we just need a job, so we can buy safe food... but we're working on that, too. Positive thoughts, gentlemen.

While we're on this topic, there are a few other "voices" that I know DO exist, as they've been triggered enough times in the past for me to be aware of their specific existences, but their appearances are rare enough that I can't really get a grip on what, let alone who, they are.
All of them are disturbingly hard to disengage once they are fronting, meaning that I am always relegated to an outside observer, often to my absolute protest, until they either become overloaded and "short out," or someone upstairs has enough power to literally punch through their front (usually Laurie).
They are:

1) A young male child, who is terrified of touch and anything connected to intimacy or closeness. He's been previously triggered by: physical contact, certain vocal tones (hissing the "s," clicking tongues, any stereotypically "girly" speech pattern), phrases such as "hug me," "come to bed," etc., especially if they insinuate involvement with another person, certain kinds of lingerie, and (oddly) women's dress shoes. He stutters uncontrollably, cries openly in an unusual high-pitched way, whimpers a lot, and will try to run away immediately upon being triggered: if he can't, he'll start sobbing hysterically. This is the voice Kyanos seemed to somehow anchor to (possibly due to slot conflict, IF these voices are behaving as such), which I will elaborate on later.
2) A young adult male, who is only triggered by either the previous voice's methods failing, OR by being suddenly trapped in a situation where he needs to be close to another individual. He is emotionally dead and will do whatever he is told to do without protest, but if he is put through too much pain he will often cry silently, although he will avert his eyes and attempt to muffle his own voice in the process. Despite this he is unnervingly hard to remove from fronting.
3) A female voice who fronts almost every time we need to interact with people downstairs. She feels strongly like a physical remnant of "spinningcannon" though, and may well be so, especially since this voice can EASILY switch right over to Jess, often within a split second. In contrast to Jess, though, this voice seems to run almost ENTIRELY on "pre-programmed" phrases and actions, and she is very histrionic. The biggest problem with her is that, since she's basically automated, if you try and get her to act or speak in any way that requires "individuality," such as asking "what are your hobbies" or telling her to buy something she wants, she will immediately disappear and-- if no one else steps up to the plate-- send the body into a frozen "standby" mode. If forced to continue, she WILL weasel her way out of whatever situation she is stuck in-- this is why "I" often seem to make appointments and cancel them later; she loves to act like the perfect person, as long as she doesn't have to commit to anything. When she is asked to, she shuts off/down, and either of the Jess's come out instead. This voice the one that gets caught in most of our photos, many of which (ironically) Jess has actually destroyed.
4) POSSIBLY the old "Jessica?" You know, the whiny, self-pitying, chronically depressed one. A voice like this HAS come out, a rare few times, but those times matched the old Jessica's vibe so strongly that I'm beginning to suspect she's either re-forming, or her old energy went to someone else. We're trying to stomp this one out before it grabs any sort of anchor though.
5) POSSIBLY some sort of red-haired version of me that ONLY appears in situations of extreme body dysphoria? This happened three times last week and Laurie and I were both freaking out. We're worried that maybe this is remnant negative energy from the Red slot I left expressing itself, but we have no real idea yet. We're not that concerned about this one though, since there's so much dissociation going on normally that we're rarely even aware of the body-- and when we are, voice #1 or #2 are often the ones coming out instead, before sending the body into a catatonic sort of shock until someone jolts a real fronter in.
6) Three other males that are triggered by "overloading" on sociability or extroversion (I call them the gent, the maverick, and the queen, respectively). "The Gent" has a sort of British accent and comes out the most frequently; he is mostly composed, but perpetually amused, and he "loves adventure." As of late he's shown signs of developing a sense of self, and was even trying to name himself the other day. He walks in a very stately manner, hands crossed at the wrist behind his back. "The Maverick" has a raspier voice, and is a "motivator" more than anything-- the few times he's come out, he's expressed impatience with mundane schedules and his want to "experience the world for all it's worth." Despite this he has a level demeanor as well. He also likes to sing, which I find endearing. He walks with a relaxed slouch, thumbs looped through either belt loops or pocket corners. "The Queen" is flamboyantly gay and speaks with a lisp; oddly though he can only come out in speech, typically to express his approval or disapproval of something that has just happened downstairs. When he tries to move the body in any major way, though (walking, etc.), he immediately "fades out," often being taken over for by the Gent. All of these voices seem to be aware of each others presence, and have even tried to converse through successive fronting in the past (which REALLY played havoc with my head afterwards). None of them appear to be attached to any trauma or negativity either, and so they may just be a result of my mind compartmentalizing those more "stressful" positive emotions so that I am not overloaded or burnt out by them-- simply talking is enough to overwhelm me at times, so encountering such wild emotional states upon fronting would be far too much for me to handle. Also importantly, NONE of these voices can appear around other people, in stark contrast to the previous three, who can ONLY appear around other people. I'm not sure why this is. One last note is that these voices seem to be bleeding into each other in terms of energy signatures, so they may all eventually collapse, or fuse, who knows. I'll let you know.


That's enough of that though. Let's get back to Kyanos, as I'm running out of both battery and Internet time and I need to mention him.
Here's a recap: he was created THROUGH the death of another voice, the placeholder that took over for me immediately after the Scratch. To quote myself, "The body clearly recalls it sacrificing itself in a surge of tragic joy to "create a boy from the blue of the sky." That boy promptly became the running consciousness in the body, and later took the name "Kyanos." However he must not have anchored well, for although he WAS "me" (what a silly word) for at least two or three hours, outside shadows somehow managed to chase him out."
The memory banks have a recollection of the insane mental jumble he was going through right before his consciousness "dissipated," and to my shock and anger, it was filled with those weird "outside voices" that often taunt me downstairs. I don't know if those are literally outside voices-- like spirits or demons-- or if they're part of the Tar, but I do know that their sole purpose is to throw me off track with awful taunts and false promises ("shut up you faggot," "you're only a good boy if you don't eat," "who cares, you're already a slut," etc.) and they are so good at faking good intentions that if I don't get Laurie to help me, I can easily be misled. But yeah, the second Laurie shows up, they run... probably because she loathes them and they pissed her off enough in the past to feel the taste of her axe before.
Anyway, the reason I'm worried about Kyanos is because he's mirroring Nat's past, practically. Both of their initial incarnations were positive and naive, and they both only began forming a "self" minutes before they died for the first time. Both of their second incarnations were unstable, but I'm worried because Nat was KILLED almost exactly a month after he was reborn. Kyanos has been with us in this new form since the 23rd (10 days), BUT he seemed to be re-forming on the 13th, and was between his original mindset AND his tentative new one at the time.
About Kyanos's "new mindset," though... to quote our system update from that event, "his behavior is very distressing: he stutters, cries a lot, and is constantly claiming that he misses his "mom and dad" and that he "wants them to be happy." Despite this he is terrified of being touched, and even the suggestion of such from a downstairs family member ("can I hug you?") can be traumatic enough for him that he will burst into tears and try to run. We have no idea what has caused any of this yet."
That mindset has showed up SINCE then, UNCONNECTED TO HIM. I actually spoke to Kyanos himself the other day (I forget the date; my temporal comprehension is shot), and not only did he look completely different than he did upon manifesting, his demeanor was completely different-- he was calm, but expressed confusion at why he was acting like that in response to certain triggers. I tried to explain, the best I could, that he was in no danger, but those "triggers" might be tied to unconscious reactions from the past. I also explained the parental situation to him-- unfortunately he did not have biological parents, but the body did, if he wanted to associate with them. Oddly, he kept shaking his head though, claiming he was very confused, and that he couldn't tell how he felt about any of it. That was an immediate warning sign for me, so I'm actually not surprised (although I am upset) that, last night, Nathaniel did inform us that Kyanos had "de-manifested." I can't find his energy upstairs anywhere, when I look... BUT, something really weird happened last night that I'm going to use as a segue into our final topic.
See, during his first few hours of life, the reason I knew Kyanos's name was just that is because he WROTE it on a piece of scrap paper. I still have it, as it's utterly bizarre to look at.
I don't know what to think now, though, because last night he ghostwrote HALF A PAGE.

Let me start by saying that I probably jumpstarted this entire "writing" phenomenon for bodiless voices back in early April, back when adflixerunt was still a thing-- it quickly became a place for both Jess and Razor to scream in lurid pink letters. However, on this particular day, some sugar-induced voice came through in the body, and I was lucid enough to force her to pick up a pencil. After all, I had just started therapy, and this rarely happened, so why not get proof of it?
Whoever the voice was, they weren't happy with it. In jagged pencil letters over two pages, they scrawled several brutal phrases, after which I came back exhausted and scared, but sickly thankful that I had managed to succeed in my plan to record the event.
That was it, at least until two days ago, when Razor came out and cut those gashes into us. Possibly in spite, she picked up the journal I had just chosen for headspace conversations, and in blood she wrote "DIE" three times over the first two pages. Needless to say that scared the hell out of me when I saw it.
Yesterday, however, topped even that.
I have no memory of most of the day, thanks to all the splinter/ alter/ voice/ whatever action going on... but my memory picks up sitting at my computer table, a pen in my hand and a tablet open on the table in front of me, looking down at a furious sentence in purple ink at the top of the page: "KID, WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE."

I'll talk more about that later, though. My online time is up, and I literally have to log off right now.