UPMC journal 092622

[prismaticbleed]

post-breakfast//

Breakfast was perfect; no scary/ trauma memory triggers AT ALL, save for some gentle flavor recollections (cream cheese & grandma, vinegar on HB egg reminder of EASTER ♥, bagel association with mom, apples & the woods outside). We GENUINELY enjoyed the entire meal. We also tried the mint green tea! Very mild taste, not overpowering. Refreshingly neutral as well; relieving.

APPLE)
We're deeply fond of them tbh; there's an inherent sweetness & purity & simplicity to them that we love-- but they are ALSO so wonderfully rich in variation, and are almost archetypal symbols of health, discernment, and gracious bounty. That last one hit home today-- our "autumn apple" HARVEST TIME fear beginning to transform: before the trees start to die, they give us SO MUCH fruit; it is created not only to propagate life for the tree, but ALSO to SPECIFICALLY nourish the creatures that EAT the fruit, AND to spread seeds in fertile ground (often THROUGH being eaten!) so that life can be PLANTED DESPITE DEATH, and TAKE ROOT DURING WINTER. I just find that concept-- that REALITY-- so beautiful. And it helps me genuinely love apples.
★ The "stomach hurt" from the peel GOES AWAY; it's not debilitating! Cushion with the yogurt & tea, too!
✳ A NOTE... our TRUE fear is NOT the apple, but the "HARVEST FAIR/ FESTIVAL" and seeing apples in orange/ brown bushels & YELLOW FIELDS!!! Dude it's the FIELDS that scare us-- hay bales & corn mazes & acres of grain. Just like "out west," that visual of DRY, HOT, FLAT, featureless YELLOW is EXISTENTIALLY TERRIFYING. Even driving by them on the road makes us feel TRAPPED, HELPLESS, ALONE, and WITHOUT HOPE OR A FUTURE. Yellow fields, ironically, signify DEATH & EMPTINESS, not harvest & plentifulness.

+ Apparently we LIKE the bagel with cream cheese, which is nice actually. The texture isn't scary at ALL, it's chewy & nice! I think MANY, if not MOST, of our "food fears" have to do with MISUSE OF FOOD: distortion & binges. Eating things normally now ISN'T SCARY AT ALL!!

✳ CINNAMON smell is ACTUALLY A TRIGGER-- the SAME "autumn terror is here" panic signal as APPLE CINNAMON!!! (+CLOVE?? that one ALSO carries TBAS trauma, sadly)



post-group//

✳ "DIRT," EVEN WITH ART SUPPLIES, triggers CONTAMINATION PANIC. WHY???
(+REMEMBER: sxtrauma involved hands corrupted. we also had NO BATH ACCESS in CNC/SLC.)
(dirty clothes must have old trauma. carefully feel it out?)

+ Art/ music group = TRAUMA MELTDOWN. literally punching & biting self, screaming & sobbing in bathroom. COULDN'T COPE. guitar/ singing TERRIFYING. begging "shut up please, God why won't it stop, God I can't do this, I'm so afraid". hid in room, covered ears, cried. prayed & begged God for help.
+ also got treatment plan. they said I had a "fear of death." HUMILIATED & brokenhearted FURIOUS. what kind of a Christian AM I if I'm afraid of dying???? but look at me in every damn meal. I'm TERRIFIED of being poisoned or going into anaphylaxis, or having a heart attack from sugar shock or caffeine, etc. but that's because I'm TERRIFIED OF A DIS-GRACEFUL DEATH. dying from eating is a PIG'S death, a WHORE death. dying IN SIN. good girls don't die from food. if food kills me I go to hell FOREVER, and they'll make me eat EVEN MORE there. I AM afraid of that kind of death. but otherwise? IF I die in grace, by His Mercy I can go to GOD. FOREVER. and the eating is over forever. just God. and I want that so much. God please give me grace. I know I'm a wretched sinner but I need You or I WILL die, forever. save my life, for YOUR sake, please.



post-lunch//

+ pineapple SLC "trapped here alone forever" existential dread. overcome by association with Dad cruiseship & TIARA.
+ hamburger HEALED through last week's work. immediate mcdonald's childhood memory, HAPPY now. adding KETCHUP turns it into THORNHURST cookout memories with dad, also at his house, AND apartment cookouts. some "social acceptance/ rejection" nerves but otherwise, no fear. thank God. bread itself got a bit soft; so comforting. we needed that. thank You God.
+ steamed/ buttered vegs: carrots, either green beans or something like cucumber? (crisp peel, watery. pretty cool) & zucchini/ squash. INSTANT trauma trigger fear w/ TBAS. adding salt & pepper muted it, tasted nice too. BUT thanks be to God, the actual TASTE instantly made us think of MOM. ♥ not sure why, but it was HER we remembered, NOT any trauma associations!!
★ chocolate milk. i literally thought i was going to die. it felt like being violated.
↑ cocoa is EXPLICITLY TIED TO ABUSE!!!!! it was like swallowing drain cleaner PLEASE dont do it again PLEASE
+ I honestly took one sip and put it down. The terror hit like a bullet. "I can't do this." RELIVING EXPLICIT ABUSE. took like ten minutes. STRONGLY considered leaving it. "self-respect," "don't betray conscience," "don't choose abuse." did NOT want to feel so WHORISH and USED. but. one single radical thought prevailed:
OBEDIENCE EVEN UNTO DEATH.
so we did. drank a bit more. almost vomited. whole body shook. put it back down. nearly gave up.
✳ "do it for Jesus." He DIED for love of me. I can suffer this small death for love of Him.
poured the rest into the tea. drank it all. 100%. paid for it in blood.
body collapsed in nausea, terror, inability to cope. shook & rocked & trembled & dissociated for a solid hour. but survived. thanks be to God for staying with us. because He did.
we were on the cross after all.

✳ we have GOT to heal cocoa/ chocolate in order to survive this. all we can think of currently is jade.
even writing that name makes us wants to cry & scream & vomit & die. cannot cope.
+ is there ANY positive association with cocoa or chocolate? it seems, our WHOLE LIFE, it's been terrifying.

✳ by 4PM (4 hours later) our body feels FINE. a miracle. our mind was still profoundly disturbed, though... UNTIL we picked up our book about Jesus-- "The Master"-- and started to read. INSTANT PEACE, HOPE, & CONSOLATION, all wrapped up in Charity, despite our feeble exhaustion. we felt fresh life breathed into our soul.
thank You God. thank You God!! there is ALWAYS an end to evil. Christ HAS overcome the world!!!



post-dinner//

Dinner notes: OJ isn't scary, SUMMER is. remembering grandma gives peace. The potatoes are very plain so the herbs stand out nicely. salt & pepper ideal; ketchup ACTUALLY WORKS with these so 3 is fine! No associations. Sherbet is fine, just give it MORE TIME as it's COLD & hurts our teeth, also our stomach if we eat it too fast. It STILL needs to be "chewed." The most interesting bit was the SANDWICH. By itself, it's "affectionately neutral"? We like sandwiches as a CONCEPT, and cheese too, oddly yet admittedly, although provolone isn't our vibe AND it still has mild associated trauma echoes. Same with turkey. BUT we CAN detach from those through gratitude & forgiveness & RELEASING that into the past: "that event HAPPENED and ENDED. it CANNOT and DOES NOT affect the present." Logically at least! EMOTIONALLY, what we NEED are POSITIVE associations for both provolone & turkey lunchmeat that will OVERRIDE the negative echoes. So get/ find some! ON THAT NOTE. Our sandwich experience was SUPER INTERESTING & INFORMATIVE because Jesus gave us the GENIUS option to take our bites with sips of cranapple juice. That, by itself, is affectionately harmless-- it reminds us 100% of mom's "wassail." BUT WITH the sandwich, it tastes 100% LIKE THANKSGIVING. And at first, that was TERRIFYING. For unknown reasons that holiday has ALWAYS filled us with anxiety & dread; maybe because of the intense sensory overload/ agitated rushing of COOKING & PREPARING it?? THAT makes sense actually! And within the "harvest" context, ESPECIALLY with the aesthetic of decorations (scary colors, also pilgrim stuff) filling the kitchen, the overall tone of the DAY-- not just the dinner-- would be dreadful. We tried to heal the memory by imagining the WHOLE family eating together, HAPPY, at peace, PRAYING TOGETHER and SPECIFICALLY THANKING GOD for food & family. They ALSO told us, "you DON'T have to try everything at once, and you DON'T have to stuff yourself OR even finish your plate!" "The POINT of this huge meal is to SEE & be GRATEFUL for the sheer greatness of God's generosity; this bounty is MEANT to be put away & saved for later, for REST after harvest, and PROVISION despite the winter chill! Leftovers themselves are a huge blessing on this holiday!" That helped a LOT. But we still felt unsafe & "in trouble" & full of unease, even dread? Like nighttime-- which was falling outside as we ate in the original memories-- would be dangerous & scary, even full of fighting? AGAIN, I NOW THINK/ SENSE THAT FEAR IS ABOUT THE CLEANUP PROCESS, as mom & grandma would ALWAYS be sharp & touchy & cross & rushing & noisy then, and all the boys would just leave, not helping, just ignoring. No harmony, no more family closeness. HEAL THAT, PLEASE, MORE THAN ANYTHING. Deep down there IS true hope; when we just "let go" & taste that Thanksgiving flavor, we FEEL that deep love of family despite all anxiety. THAT LOVE WILL OVERCOME ANY FEARS; IT CANNOT BE CONQUERED. Hold on to it. Pray about it. God is Love, and He WILL heal us. ♥



pre-snack//

To combat choice panic, we asked Mom what to get on the phone (by choosing a random color) and she said "yellow" so we're FINALLY tackling the potato chips. We're legit TERRIFIED. But they're grandpa's favorite, and Dad serves them at cookouts-- with the burgers we had for lunch! So it ties together. Be brave! Do it for them! With God's grace, do it with LOVE!!


post-snack//

POTATO CHIPS ARE NOT A FEAR FOOD??? They weren't even scary to LOOK at!! So ONLY their CONCEPT scared us-- that and the "grandpa's closet" guilt/ binge-choking terror. SO we talked with him about that, via TWO unhealthy food alters, who were forgiven AND fed, told they were loved, & cared for sincerely. "I'll never say no to you if you just ask me. I'd rather you eat if you're that hungry" etc. Girls WANTED to be good/ healthy. THEN Dad cookout; he gave us a bag AS A CS; active involvement in our recovery process with love! BUT the ACTUAL chip association memory? THE BEACH!!! Clear & joyful & sunny & GOOD YELLOW!!! That was an amazing surprise. THANKS JESUS ♥