070715

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

 

I've left "Chaos".

This has been pending since 2012, and I think we all knew it.

Q's presence "infected" his somehow, as did their Mormon ideas of sex and marriage-- no offense to them, but I do not agree with them-- and since 2012 some part of Chaos has been obscenely sexual.

Which is weird.
Because 50% of the time he's not.

I'm really really really confused and lost but empty.
I don't know him anymore. I can say that with certainty. I don't know him anymore, and I cannot remember a time when I did.

There IS a version of Chaos with a thinner profile and the backwards-swept spines and dark eyes who will NEVER consent to sexual things because
1) he's not CAPABLE of it,
2) he KNOWS that ONLY HACKERS ASK,
3) he knows that sex HURTS THE WHOLE SPECTRUM.
Sex isn't evil, that is true. Sexual energy is just creative life energy.
HOWEVER!!!!
When it is utilized in physicality, in ANY way, it can become VERY DAMAGING, even to the point of being the MOST DAMAGING THING EVER.


The "Chaos" I spoke to today told me flat-out that it wanted sex instead of love.
It said that Azalea loved him, and Hoseki came out and said,
"has she ever SHOWN you that she loves you? has she ever said she loves you when she's NOT sleeping with you? Have you ever even SEEN her outside of the bedroom???"

it swore at me, "fck you, this is what I want,"
I told it that I would not associate with people like that and I turned around and left.

but that's not him, that's NOT him, we KNOW it's not him,
it doesn't even feel like him, not in the least.
it just... it has his face and his name. and that is so terribly confusing.
i hope this is the tar, i hope this is nothing but tar being a fcking liar again
but until i know for sure
i've left.
i had to leave


oh god I am going to have so much mourning to do when this settles in, god I am so sorry, that's going to be unbearable

I haven't slept with his anchor plush in about a solid week or more, after having done so constantly for at least four years.
that alone is jarring. weird. he always felt like a puzzle piece, some profoundly comforting thing, not the doll but HIM.
when the hell did he get so abusive
when the hell did he get a fcking abusive doppelganger
when the fck did his alter egos start dating the rapist hacker girls I don’t fcking understand ANYTHING

☆ if the old julie had ever done the things to us that our socials do to ourselves, we would FREAK THE FCK OUT.
so why the hell is it "okay" for promiscuous socials to do this shit????
if, if someone ELSE did it TO us, we would immediately be PARALYZED WITH FEAR?????
AND WHY IS THE BAD RELIGIOUS PROGRAMMING JUSTIFYING THIS SHIT???

all we want, all we people near the center want, all we want is for him to be recognizable again
all we want is to be able to show love and affection without someone or something sexualizing it
i've been so scared for so long now, that love can "only translate into sex,"
ever since that damn night in slc i think, it just scared me so much, eros didnt care but he never cared
god i don't want that.
there is another option and we ARE that other option
so why the hell is our current situation saying that no, we never existed in the first place?

why are there so many pieces of us broken? why are there so many of us, splintered off from this pain?
how do we heal, how do we reconcile this? how do we function when two people have now become ten or more?

why is he either abusive, emotionally volatile, overly dramatic, or utterly emotionless???
i really dont think i should associate with him anymore, even if part of me feels i "have to"
i'm worried that our relationship has been nothing but obligatory since 2013, since the scratch.
i keep forgetting about the scratch
but yeah
since then he's felt like a real stranger for the most part
but i haven't been able to let go because, deep down, some part of me DOES love him
and sometimes i see him and I DO recognize him
but
for those two states to line up now, is very rare
and to be blunt
i'm getting real sick of juggling this abusive relationship thing
it's making me very ugly inside
it's not healthy for anyone
and i think i'd be a LOT happier without it

i don't know.
like i said, haven't slept with the plush, i think it's possessed, or something
like the celebi plush was
god that breaks my heart too and i dont know WHY, i dont FEEL ANYTHING, is that an obligatory emotion too??


i want to have relationships with everyone like i have with genesis
and laurie, for the most part, when she's not paralyzed with hesitant fear
genesis has sharp bright edges, he doesn't get "soft" close because for him it's awkward.
and that's great.
see i NEED THAT DISTANCE.
laurie knows, she's not allowed to even put a hand on my shoulder unless she's practically doing so like i'm an armchair
basically, don't do it TO me, do NOT do it FOR me, NEVER LOOK AT ME AND JUDGE MY REACTION, EVER,
but q did that
and chaos did that
and sometimes infinitii does that
and i don't understand why
i really cannot associate with romantic people
and unless they change, i cannot go back
i cannot
i can't do this anymore



other things…

☆ Realizing that I AM ALLOWED to look at people from a chaste, simple, interested, aesthetic perspective is SO FREEING.
I'm frequently too damn terrified to even make eye contact because I'm scared it's "automatically sexual and/or romantic" and therefore I will be trapped.
Problem is, I'm projecting that upon myself.
That, too, is tied to SLC, massively. I'm sorry to say that, I don't think they realized. But I can heal now.
ACKNOWLEDGING MY OWN MOTIVES AS VALID IS INCREDIBLY RELIEVING.


☆ LYNNE IS GETTING DAMAGED BY THE "ADULT FEMININITY" PROGRAM SHIT.
in high school she was the "adult woman we would never become, but which we felt we HAD to be," i.e. mature, strong, responsible, kind, graceful, etc. but NOW that we ARE an adult, for some reason now Lynne is starting to act like the MOTHER?? like she's being VERY immature and temperamental and snippy. not like herself at all. frankly it's frightening


we're all sllipping to an extent?
is this because of the constant negative mantra, "I'm terrible, I'm an evil person, I'm ruining everyone's life," etc.?
it's the biggest catch-22 in the world. you're convinced that you have no other option because admitting so would be "selfish"

well I've had enough of it

quite honestly I've had enough of headspace in general

when headspace does not exist, I don’t think hacks do either?
like headspace is a perfect breeding environment for that stuff
especially the stupid stupid relationship drivel
we don't want any of that anymore.
but yeah
none of that = no hacks
so I'm going to try that
again
and hope it sticks