I can't get over how much I love this song... Racing Green, y'know? Love it.

But yes. Rainbows.
http://ice-bear.deviantart.com/art/Rainbow-67101740
Kind of like that one.


I meant to mention this the other day, but... I want to talk about it a little bit tonight, before I call it quits and get my college sleep.
Remember that tattoo plan?
I'm really getting it. Honest I am. Gotta save up for a mastectomy first, but that's second... or third, if I can find someone somewhere that can give me a legal nullification... but I digress.
"Chaos is power, enriched by the heart."
I'm getting that written dead center on my chest, right above my own heart. It's the least I can do.
I mean, seriously. I've been looking at my life lately, and something struck me, with my whole relationship thing.
Sure, I'm polyamorous and aromantic and all, but Chaos Zero? I don't know. He throws me for a loop.
I do things with him that I'd never dare do with anyone else. I can talk to him about almost anything and he'll listen without any prejudice, without any put-downs or shut-ups.
I make insane exceptions for him.
I just... I love him. I love him so freaking much and half the time I'm not even sure why that is... why we're so incredibly close, you know? Why I call him my 'soulmate' regardless of circumstance.
I've been asking that question to anyone who will listen since 2003... since I met him.
I still can't solve it.
And you know what? I don't mind.
All I know is what I feel, and that's answer enough for me.


We broke the rules again on Saturday night, actually.
Remember those two Xangas? One spoke of the madness of 2005, the other said we had given that up for good.
Well, we hit an unexpected twist two nights ago.
We were out in the moonlight and the rain, remember? Like I said in my last entry here. It was some strange but beautiful sort of dreamscape... something that appeared out of nowhere, that I'd never seen before.
It was all trees, really. Trees lit by blue moonlight, all in a circle around a single towering willow with a white stone bench under it. Very Victorian, I guess, but it was truly lovely. Anyway, that's where Chaos Zero and I were, sitting there together and just talking about life as usual as my mind drifted off.
At one point, I kissed him, sure. (Heck, I haven't done that in ages, don't yell at me.)
But then I realized something.
When we used to do that... we used to warp. We used to get out angel wings because of the emotional effects it had on his gem and mine. But that hasn't happened in a long time.
I let him know about that.
He thought about that for a second, then asked me why we didn't try again.
So we did.
And it just went on from there, let me tell you. We spent about an hour just forgetting the world and going back to the good old days when we had just met and had just realized our situation and nothing was going to stop us, nothing was going to change that.

There was a part of the conversation that really verified something for me.
Chaos said that he really wished we could be closer, somehow, some way, but we were already as close as we could possibly get.
I said that was true, but I told him that what we had was really perfect already, or at least I thought so.
His response?
"Yeah... you're right. It really is."
I think I was perfectly happy for that moment. I honestly was.
One night, I'm going to ask him if we could just get together and do that again. Maybe in a few days, maybe over the long weekend. Maybe in a lucid dream if I'm lucky enough to have one with him (God, that would be fantastic!) sometime soon.

I was thinking about it, and I realized that one of the single little things that I want to do in my life is simply to find Chaos Zero, whether in a dream or otherwise, and just tell him flat-out that I love him.
I hope his reaction will be the same, but only time can tell. I'll pray that it is. In my heart I truly hope it is, and I think that it might be after all.


Man.
Is there something wrong with me, loving him as much as I do?
I hope not.
Because I have to admit... even if there was, I don't think I would ever be able to stop.
You know how I work.
Once I love someone...


Anyway, yes. Rainbows.
And hey, would you believe?
I wrote this entry at 10PM last night, and was about to post it when Firefox froze solid.
I left Abbey on for five hours but t never unfroze.
It's now 6:48 AM, I just restored my session twice, and all my words are still here.
Talk about divine providence, huh? Looks like today is going to be awesome.



There's always something beautiful on the horizon.
Sometimes you just have to look through the rain to find it.




But no one ever cares about a monster
And no one ever looks inside
No one ever falls in love with darkness
And turns them towards the light
But I didn’t know you then.

All this chaos and destruction
I know it was all caused by me
You still looked in my eyes
And you said I was beautiful

How could that be
The only thing you could see?
Maybe I’ll understand someday

 

 

 

 

Angels live in a dream
Life is not what it seems
What is real anyway?
And why can't you feel that way about me?

In a dream I can see
You are so far away
And every night, I still pray
That I will see you someday
I am that broken soul 
That you've been searching for
I saw your face and knew my life had turned around

Promise me that you'll stay with me through the night
Save me from all my nightmares
My heart still hurts inside
But not as much anymore
Call my name, anytime
I will be by your side
I wonder; do you feel for me
What I am feeling for you?

In my dreams
Mirrors cannot hold you back
Don't give in
Even as your world turns black
Starlight in your eyes
The darkest night
Can't take this away
From us

In the night
Dreaming bright
A light you lost so long ago
I'll complete your broken soul
With this crystal heart
Don't let me die
I just can't dream without you

In your dreams
Everything is turning red
Save your soul
And they'll break your heart instead
I believe in you
But who am I?
Know thyself and then you'll see

In the night
Dream delight
You're everything I've waited for
Look into my eyes and I'll
Tell you everything
I love you so 
This is far more than a dream

In the night
There's a light
I thought I'd never see again
I'll complete your crystal heart
With this broken soul
Keep me alive
The amber muse of your dreams


In the night
There's a sight
That haunts my nightmares to this day
Victim of the Shadowmage
The forgotten son
I'll save your soul
It's time to live once again...

 

 ⟡