Still battling the crushing dysphoria.
Still wanting to die.
Still tired of all the old scars and new blood.

Haven't really been upstairs since the 3rd week of December or so.
Don't really have motivation to do anything right now.
Trying to go to the gym daily. Problem is then I don't want to come home.
Seriously tempted to just crash on the streets one day.
Feel like I'm falling apart, scraped out and empty.

Keep letting go of more and more possessions.
Down to basically my computers, clothes, and old art tablets now.
Completely willing to toss them all too if need be.

When I was younger, I prayed that 12-21-12 would really be the end.
I wanted to die. I looked forward to it, even.
I wanted a restart. I wanted a reset. I wanted relief.
I wanted to get out of this body and stay out.
When that didn't happen, I think something slipped.

I'm trying to smile. Trying to keep on keeping on.
Reminding myself that I am not this body.
Reminding myself that death and life are both an illusion.
Reminding myself that one day I will return to where I came from.
It doesn't make living any easier though.

I feel like an apocalyptic paradox.
I'm still torn between sleeping the days away, or burning them to ashes.
I think they were right. I really am destructive.
Now I've realized that it's just a mutated prayer.
Maybe if I tear this reality to the ground,
a new one will be born from it.

I feel like a dying phoenix.
Waiting for that final breath
that never seems to come.
Silently counting the fading moments
before my bones burst into flame.
The end never seems to come soon enough.

I don't want to sound so demanding.
I don't want anything, I want the loss of everything.
Maybe this is projected ego death? I hope so.
Even so I really do want to die, on all levels.
I'm tired.
I'm so tired.

The stars still bring tears to my eyes.
God, I want to go home.
I still can't remember why I came here.
I still can't seem to remember.
All I know is that I feel so old,
and I feel so young,
and I am so, so tired.

God, please, just take me home already.
I'm willing to sacrifice it all at this point.
This body confuses me.
This world confuses me.
Honestly, the only thing of worth in this reality
seems to be the things I know beyond it.
So why stay, I ask myself?
Why stay any longer?

Don't leave your kid without a father.

That's the only thing I'm holding on to right now.
But nights like this,
I wonder if she wouldn't be better off without me.
But then I remember what that comicbook angel told me last January.

Think about them if that's the only thing that's gonna get you out of this.
But you can't just pull the trigger, go over the stars, and expect that to be the end, 'cause it ain't.
They'll just send you right back down under them, kid.
But something tells me you're gonna get it right this time.
Hell, as if you haven't been getting it right all along...
Tell you what, kid. Next time I see you here,
I want you to be pretty darn early, and I don't want you bleeding, aiite?

Maybe I can survive for nine more days.
We can try again, maybe.
If my heart didn't feel so incarcerated,
I'd have a little more hope,
instead of red-soaked hands and an asphyxiated soul.


Still battling the crushing dysphoria.
Still wanting to die.
Still tired of all the old blood and new scars.

And still I keep thinking of Laurie and the lights.

Aren't things like this worth living for?

Isn't she worth living for?
Aren't they all worth living for?
Last night, all I could see were stars.
I love all of them, every last one of them...

It's not about me though, it's not about me.
It's not.

God, what do I do?



Bury me in snow and turn this life from red to white.
Burn me to ashes and turn these bones from white to red.

Rewind this tape. Restart this game. Please.
Just one more time.
Just one more time.

Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
Tock.


Why am I still waiting?

 

 

 

just spoke to god again, like i did on the night i was told "you have nothing to fear."
i'm leaving this unstructured again as it's the easiest way to record stream of consciousness.

first i asked about hack avoidance. i said that i wanted to escape triggers, then realized i had walked into one today to risk it, to see if there was anything good hiding beyond it. i then decided to ask for discernment, to see what was work risking and what wasn't.
i told god that it hurt to see people objectifying chaos like that, and he said not to worry about it because that was their choice and although i could set an example and speak out against disrespect i could not change them. but he said not to worry regardless because my love would keep chaos bright and 'warm' when the cold shadows were surrounding him. i asked if warm was metaphoric and he said yes. he told me that chaos did love me and not to forget what that meant.
i then asked god if what i had with chaos was what pink-level connections were supposed to be like. he said yeah we were doing it right.
i explained that the pink color wasnt harsh or loud, it was somehow compassionate and warm, like a rose pink? it was surprising because it actually felt 'nice?' honest and unconditional, like there was no 'pink' in it at all. that didn't matter it was just being together.
i expressed that i was worried why i kept doing pink connections if heart ones were stronger? god said it was probably because of the physical emphasis, so i didn't feel so 'disconnected.' but god told me that heart connections were still stronger and that i should do that with chaos tomorrow night, because it would be stronger than any pink connection i've ever had? he said he'd be with us somehow. so we need to do that.
he asked me what i wanted to feel with laurie and i said i didn't know; i didn't want to go pink with her but i still wanted to give her love, just as much love as i gave to chaos, but in a different way. god said that was tricky (haha) but she'd had to put her walls down first. after she learned how to do that, the right way would reveal itself, so to speak.
he also told me that genesis loved me and missed me, but we had drifted apart? our interactions werent as deep as they could be, so when we did get deep it felt awkward because we werent used to it. so i was told to work on that.
then god asked me if i loved someone else, whose name i will not mention out of respect. i said yes, a little surprised. he asked me if i wanted to love her too. i then understood what i wanted, and said: even if i only was with her for a day, all i wanted was to show and give love so truly and clearly, that she would recognize that love within herself, and in all other things, from then on, even if she forgot me. god said so i just wanted her to be able to see the 'love of god' in all things? i said yes. it didn't even matter if i was responsible. i just wanted her to feel that, that's how much i loved her. god said i'd actually get a chance to do that though?? within a year? but i'd have to keep my eyes open and take the chance myself; it wouldn't just happen.
i forget what i said here, i think i just thanked god for everything but expressed my worry about the world. god said it couldnt hurt me, or anyone, because it was just 'the world' and we were all beyond it. it couldnt hurt us.
god then told me that there was another level of love. white level. it was the divine love one felt with god, after life. i said i didn't even think of that and he said that's because it's beyond colors, haha. i then asked well what about black? and he said that was the love felt in 'nothingness,' like in death etc. because god was still right there in the emptiness. so two sides of the same divine love.
god then said that, no matter what, everyone had a right to that love and since it was of god it belonged to all already. god said that even if a person felt no other level of love in this life, when they returned to god, they would always have the highest love. everyone would return home and be loved unconditionally. i actually started to cry right then because it was so beautiful and so true.
i remember looking out at the cold night and the mountains, thinking of that for everyone, and god told me that's what my title meant. a seer of mind could understand thoughts and that level, but i was the seer of love so i saw that in everything. i could see love in all things, i could understand it. i was firmly told that that was my role here, that was my purpose, to do that. i mentioned what about my spark title? god said hope was actually close to love, in the deep sense. because divine hope didn't expect or deny the now, it instead looked forward to the inevitable light beyond all things, that light which was love. so true hope was actually close to faith. god said that that was melody's title, which was important. i think we really do need to work together. i strongly feel that.
after this i thanked god again for my daughter, and he said that she did miss me a little, she wanted to spend more time with me. sure, she spent a good deal of time with chaos and laurie and genesis and everyone, and i did hang out with her when i could, but she 'still missed her dad' and so i should put a little more effort into doing things with her. i promised i would.
it was getting late so god actually told me to get some sleep because i had other things to do.
i thanked him for everything and said i would try to express that gratitude more often because wow seriously
i said that i loved him and god very clearly said, in a beautiful reminder, that he loved me too-- that's why he put me here.