UPMC journal 093022

[prismaticbleed]

post-breakfast//

The ONLY thing I'm still scared of is the BANANA. There's more disturbance associated with them than I realized.
+ We still love eggs (1 s&p work nicely), but they're BEST eaten W/O UTENSILS! They don't make a mess that way. Pick 'em up & bite 'em! (They're a nice shape)
+ We legit enjoy these muffins now. Still crumbly though; PICK THEM UP TOO-- utensils just crush the poor things. We still "eat the top" first which MAY be the cause of our "how do I hold it" problem (like the "circling" burgers). Try eating it in a straight line like an average joe; In any case it's a little exercise in obedient self-mortification, which ALWAYS bears good fruit. ♥ Similarly, we WAITED until the last bite to put the butter on it, so we'd get it all at once. But THAT is abnormal, too! Practice properly spreading the butter on BEFORE you start biting into it.
+ WE LIKE COFFEE. We added 2 creamers only to 120mL and it was SO NICE. That bitter-brown undertone IS enjoyable. Sweet pushes RUIN that!
+ The vanilla chai tea is BEST PLAIN! It tastes vaguely like Christmas?? We'll need to experience it more deeply to find out-- this morning we were distractive anxiety over "needing to add milk/ creamer" to the rest. On that note, adding ONLY soymilk triggers the Borders memories!! FURTHER adding creamer BREAKS that COMPLETELY. There WAS a resulting & TOTALLY UNEXPECTED "flash" to AIRPORT STARBUCKS?? But that could be false, as we would base THOSE on "London fog"-- BUT then add cinnamon, nutmeg, AND vanilla powder!! So that's a fascinating regained historical awareness!
+ WE LIKED THE RAISIN BRAN!!! Yet another concept-only fear food redeemed!! Raisins are safe now, so that's half the battle, but we did NOT expect the bran to be SO POSITIVE! Apparently their core association is with MOM'S BRAN MUFFINS, which are PURELY POSITIVE, and also have raisins in them!! So thank you Mom, for unknowingly healing this ancient fear food through your gracious, generous, unfailing & always-sweet motherly love. ♥ And muffins!
+ We have GOT to heal bananas, but that can ONLY happen in earnest BY giving them a POSITIVE (EDIFYING!) RE-ASSOCIATION!! The only starting concept we have is identical to the applesauce: being so sweet, gentle, & soft already, bananas are IDEAL for baby food AND the elderly! So that humble communion can be a KEY anchor to further healing; without such humble softness & openness of mind & heart, we CANNOT heal!! And the literal physicality of a banana is a tangible, experiential reminder of that. Medical fears-- like "allergies," "GI/GL spikes" & "binding foods" have been PROVEN INAPPLICABLE to our treatment experience here, AND can be safely/ prudently/ easily/ fearlessly managed & tested otherwise. That lingering low-key but insistent banana anxiety IS "harm-based"; the fear is expecting injury/ damage, but WHERE? The body or the soul? Either way, they're BOTH IMPOSSIBLE!! Mark 7:15-23 AGAIN. Foods CANNOT affect your soul, because JESUS SAID SO; THAT is true no matter what the "new age" movement insists. Similarly, you won't "die" if you get a sugar rush, or a little gastric discomfort. GOD MADE YOUR BODY, AND HE MADE IT WORK; a tiny incident like that is easily "recovered from." PLUS, there is NO NEED to fear ANY bodily pains or discomforts; those DO count as "SUFFERINGS" that CAN be patiently & faithfully united TO THE SUFFERINGS OF CHRIST for the forgiveness of sins & conversion of sinners!! DON'T EVER FORSAKE SUCH A BLESSING!!! But in conclusion, let me ALSO repeat: no matter WHAT sinful things you've experienced in association w/ bananas, ALL SINS CAN & WILL BE WASHED AWAY BY CHRIST IF WE GIVE THEM TO HIM! So do that! GOD CREATED BANANAS, you know, so regardless of the devil's lies, the Creation is STILL GOD'S. ♥



post-lunch//

We had TWO juices-- OJ and grape-- and BOTH are safe/ positive!! OJ does have very slight residual "unease" but it feels attached to childhood in general, & our fear/ dread of SUMMERTIME STRESS bleeding over in context. But by itself, it's totally okay.
+ ITALIAN DRESSING... ISN'T SCARY! Again!! It's actually VIVIDLY associated with-- again!-- CHURCH BASEMENT DINNERS, the VFW, and I actually thing COLARUSSO'S?? Which is uncanny because Mom was JUST reminding me that our family used to have an ENTIRE dinner there on weekends, not just pizza-- they'd have antipasto & everything! And the memory EXISTS in tangible truth-- it simply needed that revival! AND, now that such a context IS accessible, we can FIND the memories that FIT there! I can even actually "walk around" the restaurant IN that memory now that I CAN enter it!! THIS is why it's SO IMPORTANT for us to get gutsy and FINALLY watch those family movies & study the photo albums-- and I MEAN "STUDY"!! Not just looking! We need to FEEL those photos IN ourself, and TRY to "enter" their times & places, to see what is restored, remembered, re-awakened, realized, etc. ALL our senses MUST be involved in this process of self-recovery; we're doing taste here, visuals at home, and sound (music) anywhere-- that stuff is POWERFUL for us; it's like a time machine-- the only two unpredictable ones are touch & smell, BUT those are highly specific and limited in their "exposure range." Still, we CAN "remember" a surprising amount of scents with equally surprising intensity. Touch is almost ABSENT from memory in comparison; I don't even know what a "touch memory" WOULD look like. So it's an interesting, exciting thought, the idea of investigating that-- it would be HUGE in combating depersonalization/ dissociation FROM our past AND present self, caused by DETACHING from touch input! It's something we really do have to pay more grateful attention to, with temperance!!
+ We are LEARNING to like pizza, haha! Our newfound appreciation for both bread & tomato sauce (that STILL floors me; glory be to God) helps a lot, obviously, but ironically, we're struggling with the CHEESE? First, though, let me honestly note that there is pepper in the sauce, which affects the vibe-- not sure how yet? But it seems to "ground" things directionally, & mute color saturation?? We'll see-- and I think it counts more as tomato PASTE? It's a notable darker/ less saturated Red in BOTH appearance AND vibe! So it's a little "dissonant" but not bad. BUT! The "bread" of pizza dough AND the "flour" of pasta TASTE/ VIBE DIFFERENTLY (darker/ lighter) and THAT matches the tomato differences!! It really is art. Nevertheless, on to the cheese. THAT triggers the S&V binge-trauma VERY loudly?? Which is distressing. It does NOT taste like our personal experience memories of pizza-- the closest vibe is childhood bowling alley pizza parties, and those were HISTORICALLY anxiety-riddled, as we were always just "an extra, unwanted face" amidst all our brothers' classmates, surrounded by noise & social pushing to "play," feeling totally rejected, powerless, and inept. And there was pizza. We're not sure HOW to heal those memories yet, but since we've identified them now we can work at it! Same with the recent disturbances. We NEED positive reassociation, I must emphasize. To conclude, though, I have one beautiful thing: when eating the pizza, we ate it WHOLE and in ONE DIRECTION!!! ♥ But while we were chewing the sweet, red-tinged bread, we took a sip of grape juice... and we thought of Jesus. It tasted exactly like our post-Church childhood memories of pizza & wine/ grape juice, and all His blessings... remembrance of Him. ♥ Thank You, Lord.
✳ The SALAD, though, taught us our BIGGEST lesson. Like last time, it had two big "banana pepper" slices on top, which are EXPLICITLY a trauma trigger. Having to eat them anyway, but not wanting to be slammed by those memories & anxiety, we instinctively searched our psyche for a POSITIVE focus/ association, and when we found nothing... we IMAGINED ONE??? We thought, "yes, these are scary for us, because they were a scary person's favorite food-- BUT! THEY AREN'T the only people in the world who DO like them!!" And we imagined, a priest, who loved their sour bite, reminding him of his Italian family's cooking AND of Christ's Passion, and that one of his elderly parishioners always bought him a jar and left it on the rectory porch with a little note of well-wishes. Just... the POSSIBILITY of such a POSITIVE person/ preference/ association existing TOTALLY OVERRODE THE TRAUMA TIE with its pure affectionate human joy!! BUT you know what the REAL GAME-CHANGER was??
THOSE POSITIVE RE-ASSOCIATION IMAGININGS CAN BE MADE REAL... IN THE LEAGUE!!
THAT GIVES US SO MUCH SOLID, TANGIBLE HOPE. It WORKS and its ACHIEVABLE and we can do it ANYTIME. It literally changes everything. Oh thank You God!! It feels like we can breathe for the first time in years; it's like heavy chains have just fallen, broken, from our arms at last. There's freedom, or at least the intimately close hope and promise of it, with this now. BUT don't forget, we CAN, SHOULD, and arguably MUST STILL CREATE POSITIVE PHYSICAL/ EXTERNAL REASSOCIATIONS, TOO-- because THOSE are the ones tied to SENSORY INPUT-- these League ones are INTERNAL, and are tied to MENTAL ASSOCIATIONS as a RESULT of sensory input occurring in a traumatic PHYSIOLOGICAL environment!! BOTH INSIDE & OUTSIDE were involved in the traumatic associations; therefore, BOTH must ALSO be involved in the HEALTHY, POSITIVE RE-ASSOCIATION AND PROCESSING!!
✳ So yes. Here, with hyperlimited physical options-- AND arguably ALSO chronic risks of FURTHER negative associations via bad/ trauma-triggering music, anxiety attacks, trivia overwhelm, unit noise scares, etc.-- we MUST constantly & consciously utilize INTERNAL re-association, ideally when in a SAFE environment (quiet, no threats of overwhelm), and with a calm mind!! BUT when we get home, THEN we can do more concrete work through healthy control of the contexts IN WHICH we revisit those "hurt" foods, to heal them on the OUTSIDE. But that's the future! Plan for it prudently, but don't obsess or overthink-- the future CANNOT be rigidly planned for. Jesus TOLD us "not to worry about tomorrow," so DON'T. The BEST prep/ "planning" we can do is DOING WHAT WE CAN TODAY, FOR TODAY, because one day the future will BE today!! Trust in God, be patient, and ACCORDING TO OUR CURRENT STATE IN LIFE, just do your best to please God in all you do. SOLI DEO GLORIA! THAT is always, ALWAYS our motivation AND our goal. Our healing is meant for HIM-- and it CAN ONLY HAPPEN THROUGH HIM AND BY HIM!! So PRAY, then listen, then obey. THAT is the foolproof, guaranteed path to recovery. ♥