jan 9 2016

[prismaticbleed]

 

...I think we're in one of those "dead periods" again.

I just got FL Studio working since we had the laptop crash.
...We lost over a year of work.

It feels like waking up from a dream. Last year, we tried harder than ever to get back into music, and now... now, it's all gone.
But not only that, the worst bit is that we cannot remember what we wrote. We had SO many new files and I cannot remember a single one. That's the most disturbing thing about this.
It's why we're struggling so hard to work on the Leagueworlds, too. We lost all the old info in a dead timeline, in 2012... we don't remember anything firsthand from that time in our life. So we have virtually no idea what those first 17 years of work of art contained.
Yes, there's still the backup written files on our computer-- and that has more value than the art, I would argue-- but now we don't have visuals, and since we can't even hear without pictures, that lack of all pictoral representation is jarring, even if we have no idea what it contained anymore.

...We lost over a year of music and we cannot remember what it was, let alone how to write it again, let alone how to get this program working properly again... I have no idea what we did, or how.
That's... I don't know. Life's been like that for a while. The sudden, utter absence of knowledge that we previously had and/or took for granted, waking up one morning and it's... gone.

We get that with headspace a lot too.
I should mention that's why we gave up on the idea of a comic, at least one that illustrated our past life... even now, reviewing the archives, it's all alien. The vast majority of this feels like someone else's lifetime, and I'm sure it was, but... for the gaps and breaks to be moving closer and closer... I mean, our current memory starts halfway through 2013. And that year is terrifically spotty at best, with weird chunks of recall dispersed throughout the latter half of the year depending on who was even alive at the time. But... that means our total life recall, ACTUAL recall, caps in at literally under three years currently. We're barely a toddler as far as coherent age-time is concerned. That's not much.
...And yet we have to live as a 25-year-old adult when we're awake.
Not to mention everyone expects us to live according to a past that we not only feel no ties to, but have no substantial knowledge of, and which feels most of our physical-life fronters with nausea and fear when they are faced with that burden.

But that's not the current point here.
The current point is... we've been pushed WAY BACK to square one right now.
The art is gone. The music is gone. The writing is partly gone, we did lose a fair amount in 2012 and 2015, but the vital roots still exist. However. Most of it is now false, or alien, or unwritable. The World-roots that existed three years ago no longer exist. So we have to start over on those, too, but... that's an effort. That's a real effort, and we are trying, but we're just weirdly subconsciously disturbed and upset and sobbing over the knowledge that there's this gap in our psyche, something that once held something, and which is now a blind spot, now a hole, now an emptiness that shouldn't be there and yet is and although we can't remember it notbeing there, we know that at one point, it wasn't.

...Maybe that's another motivation towards the eating-disorder alters. There's abuse purgation, abuse imitation, malformed coping, social conformity, seeking acceptance, seeking non-being, and now this... just wanting to somehow fill up that awful nothingness with something, not knowing how else to do so, desperate for the return of something we can't get back, not how it was, not anymore.

...


Headspace is in a really weird place right now too.
We're still functioning, absolutely. We're still healing and communicating.
But... Jay asked something yesterday, when we were meditating. "What do we do when there are no more problems to solve?"
...We were created to protect, to heal, to manage... when we no longer have to do any of that, what do we do?
Laurie shrugged and said "create," hearkening back to the Jewel bloodline purposes, but... I guess that's what this entry is about. We want to create, but... the more we look at it, we have to stop trying to pick up the pieces. We have to just leave that shattered mess on the floor and walk away. Our mind is beating us to it. Our mind is forgetting that pile of broken glass was ever anything but that. Our mind is asking us why we keep staring at rubble, why we don't go build something instead.
God knows we want to, but... our life situation is no longer how it was in high school or whenever. We no longer have that sort of empty, set-schedule environment, where we could literally put the body on autopilot for 8+ hours a day and just let the Jewels create nonstop inside.
God also knows that if we win the lottery tonight the first thing we're doing is going back to school, so that we could get an education AND dive right back into that creative mindspace again.


...In the meantime, what do we do.
We do have a few mp3s saved of some files we lost, so maybe we can listen to those and recreate them the best we can... but...
...Do we want to write music? Do we know how? Better yet, since I obviously don't, does anyone else? I'm sure someone does, so how to we find them? How do we get them out to work in the first place?
...And, again, do we even want to do this anymore? Is it doing good? I know part of us likes it, but...


...There's this weird sort of tiredly content apathy washing over anything. A strange childlike empty happiness, something like an infant in the womb, something that just wants to sleep, something that isn't really depressed or angry or melancholic or anything... something that literally just wants to spend its days in dreams or in dreamspace.


...And God doesn't that tear at our heart.
Has anyone here ever really talked about how real dreams are for us? How we LITERALLY feel more alive when we're asleep than when we're awake? How reality itself feels UNREAL in the waking, but crystal clear in dreamtime? How one of the fastest ways to ground and center and "pay attention" in the physical is to tell ourself "I'm dreaming right now???"
What does that tell you?
...Last night we slept for... 12 hours, at least. We were exhausted; we've been wanting to get a full night's sleep all through December, but it didn't happen. So we needed this.
But... we were dreaming about flying, and wandering joyfully, and becoming Jewel Monsters, and big wide vast open spaces... about trees and rain and rivers and airports and churches and towns. It felt more real than anything we've lived with our eyes open. We felt alive.
...The only curse is that this extends to our nightmares too. That's the only price we have to pay here.


...
Headspace is the same.
God, headspace is the same, why do people think we struggle to live a physical existence, it makes no sense, we aren't OUT here, not truly, not clearly, not when we can close our eyes and "see" the internal world with more awareness and less fogginess than we just saw the outside one...
...When we're sick or scared or highly disoriented, when our head is spinning and we honestly can't think straight, when our physical perception is so muddled that we can look right at a page of a book and not even know what language it is... even then, even then, if we just close our eyes for a moment and float backwards and upwards into headspace... immediately, IMMEDIATELY, even if we're sick or in pain or disoriented beyond belief... immediately, everything makes sense.
We aren't dizzy. We aren't confused. We don't feel out-of-body, we don't feel foggy-headed, we aren't plagued by racing thoughts. We can read and speak and think.
The instant we open our eyes it's a mess again.


What the hell is even happening here?


So I don't know what we're dealing with in life right now.
2016 hasn't "started" yet for us-- despite our brain bizarrely thinking "well duh" or "about time" or "it's been 2016 for ages now" whenever we see the date, like we've been waiting for it for some unknown reason. Nevertheless, January OF 2016 still hasn't settled in entirely. We're still trying to recover from the shock of December, the absent Christmas season, and the total lack of snow. We are really screwed up this year, because summer didn't end until barely two weeks ago, we're still trying to pull our brain out of autumn of 2014, and family stress keeps shoving us back further into 2010.
Therapy is the lifesaver here; it's going spectacularly well, and it's keeping us not only working but also aware of ourselves and our progress. So we're thankful for that.


...We really have to cut this short for now. It's 12:16 and we wanted to stop staying up so late for the new year, at least. That and eating better, not hurting ourselves so badly with that... we're untangling that as carefully as we can. Jemma and Jackie are working together a little better but Jessica is still uncaring, the Destroyer is suddenly back full-force, as are her vicious helpers... that one hyperreligious alter who "hates sinners" keeps coming out too, screaming and trashing things in the name of "merciless good" or whatever. You get the picture: a lot is going on. But 2016 is Leon's color, all vivid indigo light, and that's interesting so we'll see how this goes.


It's going to take a LOT of patience, a LOT of meticulous revision, and a LOT of internal grounding in order to even be capable of writing for the Leagueworlds again. So much toxicity and falsehood got shoved into them, from both feelings of obligation, and internalizing what other people told us it should be, etc. At least three of those Worlds have to literally be torn to the groundand rebuilt almost from scratch.
...but it'll be done. It'll be done, to the best of our ability, if only for the sake of healing. We don't know what end this is all going for anymore. We have no idea if some of these worlds are even supposed to go anywhere. Dream World is, but THAT needs to be rewound to freaking 2002 in order to function right now... literally wipe the past 13 years off the map, and thank God for that. Mage Angels may or may not be able to persist as it is now; it feels like it wants to shed its darkness like a winter coat in summer. Parnassus, Puppetstrings, Magicwarp, and Event Horizon all have awfully heavy tangled vibes shoved on them that need to be removed, and they all might be "starting over" plot-wise for the most part. Hokthai, Oneircia, and Halcyon Days all have huge gaps between beginning and end, and we have no clue what fits there due to how much their base structure keeps massively shifting. Voltage has morphed entirely, Nogaisa may be doing the same, LG*Girls still feels like a concept instead of a story... Rosewindow has a solid heart but it's been threatened by its proximity to headspace so it might be "starting over from square one" too. You get the picture.

Dream World is the most beloved and requires completion even if the others fall away. Rosewindow feels vastly important and we want to see that completed too. Hokthai and Parnassus are dear to our heart, and Mage Angels still feels like it has a message to give. Those are the main ones. We can start there.

Again, I'm babbling. I'm sorry. It's late.

More than anything, we need to go back to a childhood state of mind to write this stuff. It's MANDATORY.
Also we need to figure out how to tap into our childhood virtues without gaining its vices. We want that fiery indomitable confidence, that total self-assurance and power, that defined whoever we were in early elementary school... but we don't want their pride and selfishness and rage and spite.
A few people in our System have a healthy version of that brazen confidence (Frenchie and Genesis immediately come to mind), but people like them keep getting pushed out of fronting by the gatekeeper-esque girls that are full of nothing but shallow self-doubt and nonexistence. They're tied to around 2007 in existence, and we don't like them, but we don't hate them. We just want them to either heal and stop sabotaging our health, or get out of the damn way.

I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry.
The weight of this is getting to me and we just want to cry inside, we want to sleep for days and cry, but we can't, we have work and we have to help the family and we have to be a "normal functioning adult" but we need to cope, we need to figure out where and when the heck we are, and what we're supposed to be doing... I mean we can definitely be patient, we can wait until it reveals itself, but we won't even see that answer if we're mired in the exhausted self-destruction our damaged socials keep perpetuating out of this desperate super-shallow desire to just not exist.
You kids have it al wrong. We WANT to exist. More than anything, we want to LIVE.
...But remember what we said about dreaming.
That's the most ironic thing about all of this.



I'm going to bed. We haven't been tuned into headspace and I can't do that anyway and I'm afraid I'm letting toxic vibes in so for the sake of actual functioning (God help me I literally can't tune into headspace that means i AM unhealthy) I'm going to leave.