dec 16 2015

[prismaticbleed]

today!


- painting at work again. dad's building a big book cabinet for someone so we do all the primer+paint work. it's fun.
most of the time was javier talking to jeremiah.

people tuning into their GENUINE vibes in light of that crosslight thing I mentioned yesterday.
lynne and laurie both REWINDING to their earliest selves in a sense when that happens??? lynne feeling a LOT like she did when she was cerise-- that is her REAL core-- and Laurie being staunchly protective and righteous, no laughing-it-off at all.

lynne worried because the orange she's been holding is too saturated? like it's catching too much hyperactivity and it's not resonating with her "comfort, caring, and stability" purpose.
she also struggles to act in that 'saturated' way when she fronts, which is notable. it catches the manics and it DOES NOT RESONATE WITH HER! yes lynne does have a "fun" aspect to her color (orange always does) BUT it's not as "lethally carefree" as it's been manifesting, cranked up to 15 or so.
we need to CALM DOWN in general; our mind is a mess from all the stress. long meditation sessions are required. the lack of sleep isn't helping.
kyanos is our main meditative person; for whatever reason when we started doing breathing exercises in therapy he's the one who immediately fronted and did them, well and serenely. "serene" is a word that fits him very well,
too.

there was something very important we found out?? to do with the children??
KIDS GROW UP.
IF THERE'S AN INTERNAL PROBLEM WITH WOMEN, IT WILL STILL AFFECT GIRLS.
EVEN THE LITTLE LITTLE ONES.
THAT'S HUGE.

this was showing up in how marigold and david were acting? mostly how david keeps catching anger and we do NOT want him turning into an "angry/selfish young man" solely because we were programmed through exposure to think that's the ONLY OPTION.
IT'S NOT THE ONLY OPTION.
yes david might stay a child forever. BUT. if he ever did want to grow older, he can STAY as sweet and kind and soft as he is now. THAT CAN HAPPEN.
and yes this is affecting jay a lot too, it's likely why he's still unstable at the edges.

hints of heartspace happening?? tuning into it more now. thank god. thank god.
laurie and lynne especially are both working together lately to become more in-tune; they're old buddies and they also have more history than anyone else in the System, Julie and Waldorf excluded because of their not being in Central for most of the time.
but yeah. heartspace is HUGELY IMPORTANT and we are going there whenever we can, to heal, as THAT'S where the serious magic happens; it's built for the purpose of mutability and possibility and growth.
jewel is always around to help, too; she has virtually god-tier powers in heartspace so if stuff gets dangerous she's there to save anyone.


josephina saying how the main thing about his/hir purpose (who just laughed and said "dude ANY pronouns are fine!!") has always been honesty?
it's a very yellow thing. honesty, honor, integrity-- basically, being true to one's purpose. it's a very solid feeling. very much like what yellow is in dream world. you know, with dakeep and elevolt and saturn and kevoryu and people like that.


kyanos talking to javier? last night kyanos really latched onto e saying his heart resonated most with "integrity" in undertale, he's been easier to see/hear since then actually.
so the words "serenity" and "integrity" fit the Sky color vibe exactly, that's notable.

minty talking to marigold and david. david remembers her!! was excited to see his friend.
honestly it was so nice to see him happy like the child he is again; he's been so hurt and angry lately, it ached.
marigold a little scared of minty at first (her eyes), so minty tried caringly to ease her fear, even tried to change her eye appearance. marigold said she still wanted to be friends because she knew minty wasn't bad even if she 'looked a little scary.' i remember minty worriedly asking braxton if she was even allowed to change her eyes and he smiled (!) softly and said whatever she felt she should do.

eros still isn't back. name is the big obstacle.


something we haven't mentioned yet= 'delta' name motif with archivists??
also unnamed "social logic alter," used to get confused with sherlock, BUT this one holds NO data, just thinks super-logically to the point of overanalyzing everything to death?
they write fairly often here, but we catch them.


another thing we haven't mentioned
the freakin frenchiest fry showing up IN OUR SYSTEM and STICKING??????????
WHY???????
laurie calls him (??) "frenchie" and they're actually really really damn helpful
so hey I guess that’s why they stuck?
outspacers are so weird, if the System decides someone outside is exactly what we need, for good or ill... then chances are they are going to show up inside sooner or later.
birthday is december 3rd I think?? color is very obviously yellow. cool dude actually, fronts way too easily, but that's good because he's very self-confident and GOOD yellow. that whole thing. still very very blurry self-wise though; no solid body in headspace yet but like all outspacers there's a "skeletal energy" there, kind of ghosty. when fronting he still can't talk to the System yet either, that requires a more solid sense of self and "beyond self."
that's notable too. most of our socials can't talk to headspace because they can't think outside themselves, if that makes sense? like jessica, she's so obsessed with "physical pleasure" that she has NO sense of spirituality or abstractness, and she CANNOT talk to headspace because that's out of her realm of comprehension.
shockingly, jennifer is growing out of this. like we said yesterday, she's becoming linked to headspace which could be MASSIVELY HELPFUL if she doesn't get yanked out of social functioning altogether. she's so, so sweet. we actually all like her now that we're getting to know her. the only problem with her is that she's blindingly naive. she was created to be the "work social," basically the "people pleaser," existing to be that sweet kind nice girl that everyone always expected us to be, a "hostess" almost. and she does it very very well because she LIKES it and she likes people and she genuinely wants to be that kind. so she's a GREAT person. the only problem is she cannot handle any negative emotions. i don't know if she can even understand them yet. and we're afraid of breaking her. so... right now we're leaving her to do what she will. even if she gets inside connections we won't push anything, let her deal at her own pace and time. we NEED someone as hyper-innocent as her because she's unfazed by family stress, which is something we have a LOT of right now. even if someone says something awfully mean to our face-- which would typically trigger simeon and then wreckage-- jennifer can't integrate that thought process so she honestly smiles and figures "oh, they're just having a bad day. i'll be nice to them." and whatever they said didn't register. so it's a way of REALLY surviving right now. we need her around.
more on that as it develops of course.

i still wonder if nousfoni who are moving levels like that, the ones who aren't in headspace, could go through heartspace first as a sort of initiaion into the upstairs? because heartspace can be that sort of bridge, acting/feeling like downstairs at first, then introducing new upstairs elements and gradually changing as they're able until they're ready to fully anchor upstairs (if need be)?
it's a thought. it'd help them grow MUCH more strongly as their own people, too, as barely any socials think of themselves that way at first.



when shopping today= "I have no interest in buying anything that we won't actually eat."
THANK YOU JAY

getting much much better at intuition too. still have to be careful, but trust is big.
good isn't "goody two shoes" remember. TRUE goodness has honor AND compassion.
remember! if it seems wise but has no love it's NOT WISDOM!!!




later on, listening to tons of christmas music (kenny g!) and finding more on spotify.
favorite find so far= "carol of the banjos"


watching a "vinesauce" undertale video that someone randomly linked, did that for like an hour because he was voice-acting it and when he gets to asgore, he goes for a morgan-freeman type voice but there's a tone to that voice that still works and... it made me really… it gave me that sad-happy feeling, watching that scene again.
laurie was warning us strictly to actually stop watching because we were becoming too detached an observer, becoming too dissociated.
we want to try another playthrough. get a happier ending. we really should.


someone made some really good food BUT it made us sick. which was sad.
at least people are trying.

we drank so many lemons today

finally got to put up lights on the porch!
just wrapped three lights around the trellis because i didn't have a ladder to get to the roof. it still works. then i hung a line across the porch windows because otherwise that whole side of the house is dark.



NO HACKS TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
it was so scary today after that girl yesterday.



last night btw= coming home from choir, genesis insisting we get in the christmas spirit, loudly started singing "jingle bells" and making jay sing along until he was laughing so hard he was almost in tears. It was fantastic.

I just realized tomorrow is thursday. it's going go be insanely busy.
laurie says we absolutely need sleep right now so off we go.