prismaticbleed | nov 15 2015

An upsetting thing I realized this morning:
We still have DID even when we're not tuned into the Spectrum.

I never really realized that we STILL SWITCH when "we're" not around.
The System-unaware socials, all those alters who exist for reasons outside... they're still alters. I NEVER realized that before, probably because we thought alters/ switching/ etc. were ONLY tied to the Spectrum... and, because we weren't aware of these non-Spectrum people until very recently, when we started watching more carefully, trying to solve the time loss, and the blackouts, and the missing information...

We found that manic-spending social we've been hunting for years.
She's the one who comes out around the brother. ALWAYS.
She's ALSO the one who tried to get us into BDSM when some stranger online wanted to be her friend but insisted she become his "master." (we were IRATE when we found out)
She's ALSO the one who tried to turn us into a furry and immerse us in that entire community and personality type when our previous best friend revealed he was one right before he left us.
So it makes total sense that she's ALSO the one who started drinking when the mother started touting it as "mature" instead of "boorish."
And it makes total sense that she's ALSO the one who started doing drugs when the brother claimed it was spiritually enlightening.

Son of a bitch.

This cursed alter has the WORST root anchor EVER.

(be careful with your language, guys, please, we're trying to weed that out of our subconscious too. that and the proud subtle-superiority the teenage socials have/had. so be careful.)

But yeah. This f*ing teenage social-- I guess she's what, 17? long hair as always-- NEVER STOPS TALKING because she's always trying to entertain the people around her. She learns exactly what they like to hear about and talk about, and then she f*ing rambles about it for HOURS.

The reason why we're currently furious is because lately, the brother has been telling us to watch this cartoon he likes, right? So this smiley-shallow alter is like "sure bro! I'll watch it!" although she's WELL AWARE that it's an ADULT CARTOON and we CANNOT WATCH THOSE.
But yeah, anyway this bitch sits down and watches the first two minutes of this show, and immediately has to x it off and dissociate absolutely because it's already dirty jokes and vulgarity and profanity and f*cking nudity.
THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME THE BROTHER TOLD US TO WATCH A SHOW LIKE THIS.
HE F*KING KNOWS WE CAN'T HANDLE THIS KIND OF CONTENT.
WHAT THE HELL IS HE TRYING TO PULL?????

Is he like the mother? Where she believes that our condition is fake until she tests it to oblivion, and even then she won't accept what she sees?
...That's where we get that habit, isn't it.

In any case my main concern is GETTING RID OF THIS F*ING ALTER because she is single-handedly RUINING OUR LIFE and causing more damage than virtually anyone in this System, hackers included.
Son of a bitch. She's a carbon copy of the mother's smile-and-nod sh*t that she pulls all the time, she's nothing but a stupid airhead fool who does NOTHING BUT "PLEASE PEOPLE" WITH HER IDIOCY and in the long run all she's doing is being a stone-cold bitch. She's horrifically abusive and she doesn't even realize it because she probably doesn't even have a SENSE OF SELF.

We need to tell the therapist about her, but the response will probably be "can I talk to her" or "have you talked to her?" and with socials you typically CAN'T, except... oh hold up. Except this one is triggered dangerously easily. All you have to do is put us in a situation where we "have to please people."

Wait, did this bitch front at the job????????

I don't know. I don't know. We need to bring this up in therapy, think about it more there.

(later)

I've had it with this too.
I'm going to find a razor. (This is Wreckage.) It's a matter of honor.
Until we find a better consequence, this is the only way we can atone. This is the only retribution we have for the horror they wreak on our body.

(closing note from Jay: the spitting-fury alter who has that much rage towards people who cause harm to us-- consciously or unconsciously-- is a double edged sword; on one hand it's great that one of us can BE angry when we're in danger, but on the other hand that is toxic stuff and when it manifest outside it can cause dramatic problems. So we need to be careful. To that alter: please see if you can find a way of managing that pain/fury in a way that isn't rooted in something close to hatred. It'll only hurt you too, this way.)

(also from jay. something i've noticed.
i need to CONSCIOUSLY OVERLAY MYSELF lately or we get really badly dissociated and that means the apathetic, depressed girls show up.
we need to heal them somehow.
but until then i NEED to focus on fronting. me or whoever else is safe.
jayce is depressed too though?)
(IRIDESCENT accents???? he's been trying to overlay iridescence on himself and it's HELPING? we're all incredibly intrigued by that)