feb 20 2015

[prismaticbleed]

 

update.
hack this morning. sadly. just BARELY, though.

with infi for a while first? absolutely bizarre as usual. it's hard to remember anything after being with hir because it uses weird parts of the mind. but i love hir. anyway heart connections are still a thing. thank god.
then eating hearts. really weird. infi started it but I don’t know why or when. could have been a cathartic thing.
blood strange colors. both were vaguely iridescent. mine was almost clear?? bizarre because internally I used to have black "dreamblood" (like genesis) and infi's was pure white. not so now, it's very hard to explain. like they're both clear-ish but reflecting black/white respectively anyway? like prism glass.

I kept warning infi not to slip, regardless of what was occurring. I had NO problems, graciously. infi thanked me; ze does slip due to hir daemon nature but I was watching out for hir.
stayed FAR away from anything that could have caused a hack, we knew the triggers now and I am naturally loathsome of them, so I was not under any threat at ALL.

at some point laurie ended up there, I think infi called her or she decided to check on us for safety's sake. anyway infi decided to hand me over to her without restoring me to normal coherence, so I ended up catching her resonance and hitting a sort of ecstatically pained state. no idea how it happened but I am very glad it did.
worse than the 7 swords morning, if possible. I was literally incoherent from the bliss of it, ironically because it hurt terribly, but that was the point. laurie was actually laughing at me, good-naturedly, over that. 30 minutes though good lord
infinitii stood by and said laurie was still impervious, there was no threat at all of either of us being used. laurie said no shit, she didn't operate anywhere near that level.

cz and genesis showed up later, BUT they apparently held lingering tar, CAUSED the hack, accidentally
chaos had the "utah vibe" stuck to him still, as soon as I saw that I FELT something was very wrong, got nervous. it did not feel like him and it frightened me.
genesis still has his own internalized trauma and I don’t think he ever dealt with it really. so that was resonating too, unfortunately.

I don’t know how the hack happened because as soon as I saw cz giving off that bad vibe I COMPLETELY dissociated and the next thing I remember was dread fronting momentarily, because zis self-perception in the body is out of it somehow and that was clear. when dread is fronting ze really isn't "all the way in it;" ze can be "detached" from it entirely and still be fronting entirely and aware. which is interesting. helped keep us stable and kept out hackers while the body tried to recover.

retributors worrying over this. "do we need someone to take hack fallout?" I spoke up then (disembodied), said NO-- if such a person existed, they would basically make hack fallout "okay." if such a person could just "endure" that terror and pain with a shrug, then it would subconsciously tell the brain that such terror/pain WAS okay. and it's not. so I said that instead we needed to stay OUT of the body entirely after hacks, just everyone gather upstairs and deal with it there. that way we were guaranteed coherent and nonviolent. dread had accomplished that mostly today, but his tendency to completely numb-out wasn't safe; it could cause an actual numb period afterwards if it hit hard enough.

girl responsible for the hack switch was found!! looked like lace, which was scary; more innocent image corruption? heavy long loose-curl hair, dark brown. wearing white? I think. not good.
laurie got out her axe and went after her as soon as i shakily gave her the data.
she kissed me fiercely on the cheek before she left, that went straight to my heart

at some point I saw knife talking to razor about atoning? very clear "sibling" feeling between them, touching really. razor clarified then that this was her art (we had just revisited the topic in therapy and didn't know if her thoughts had changed), she couldn’t do the "paper cutting" thing because it was too precise and delicate, it would require her anchor to change. so she didn't mind her job anymore, she now saw it as art as-is. anyway she said she'd do the atoning for that hack if she needed to, but obviously she wasn't glad one had occurred. knife wasn't either, he never is, poor man was torn up about it.

knife later said I didn’t have to atone, I said why? he said because laurie said she'd carry it
I said no, no that’s not fair, I wont let her bear the curse of my sins, but knife was teary too and wouldn’t let me go; i was actually fighting to get out of his arms and go find her. the intensity of love and indignant rage I was feeling shocked me; emotions have been mostly missing lately. knife let go, quietly asked then if that is what it would take to get me to fight again? not angrily-- more sadly, empathetically. I said yes. yes I would do anything to protect her from that. and I swear, if suddenly she is the only one paying in blood, I would rather spill my own than allow a reason for her to do so.

later on laurie was talking to lynne about this but the julie walked in, grave-cuts on her arms. laurie freaked out, julie said she chose to carry them.
laurie said "I took this pain so no one else would have to." heartbroken. didn’t want anyone else suffering, she tried to take all of it.
julie told her that she wasn’t the only one that felt that way, though. julie said she had been responsible for this stuff in the past, and so chose to do the same as laurie in this case.
julie asked if she could bandage up her arms, though, with ribbons. laurie made her sit down next to her and did so, fighting back sobs the whole time. julie was oddly calm, almost fiercely so, but she softened up here and told laurie "thank you for being that way"-- "thank you for showing me that you can have edges and still be soft inside," essentially. said that was very important for her as the pink core.
julie paused and said, somewhat incredulously, "you're even more innocent than I am, arent you? no wonder they're after you." laurie laughed, "does this mean you're protecting me too?" julie said yeah, apparently so. laurie made a comment about sugar here, feeling bad that she was trying to push her into that role when julie already held the job (but no one realized it).

laurie hugged lynne at one point, the feeling was mutual. I remember laurie said "I really love you guys, you know?" and lynne said she loved her too, they all did, even if laurie didn't always realize it. everyone she cared for, cared for her just as much in return.

javier had been in the room here, talking to lynne, but around now he left and was just standing in the hall? also holding back tears, said he needed to get a grip on things.

good news though, cz has all but moved into the central aqua slot (yes really!); he just needs to clarify his new name. it's amazing though because he was slipping for a while (I didn’t help, what with my doubts) and yet now his vibe is crystal clear. he knows who he is, wont compromise that.
i am so worried about gen though, my best friend, i adore him. i didnt realize that maybe he didn't really deal with this yet, not entirely. i should have known, seeing how he reacts around infinitii. i swear i will take one-on-one time with him asap and help him like he has helped me. i will.
oh i have to tell you though. last month we were grocery shopping (right before surgery i think?), me and gen and then cz joined us. but they were talking, as we walked down the frozen food aisle. then gen just reached into a freezer, took out a carton of ice cream, summed a spoon and then just started eating THE ENTIRE CARTON as we walked, totally nonchalantly. i was cracking up, it was hilarious.
also valentines day, I got gen a balloon, he loved it. his whole "for me?" grin from the back of the car is still glowing in my head really
but later he was eating conversation hearts in that same grocery store, said it was because I wasn't eating them, he would. "gotta celebrate somehow." he picked out one, (be mine), said "well that's kinda problematic." paused, then tipped the entire bag into his mouth. it was not a small bag. see this is what i have to live with, it's great.


sorry that is all I remember for today; I had a ton of busywork to do in the outerlife but at least it feels like we're taking steps forward again.
also last little thing, e, seeing the tags "the outsider, or jay?" on that one post just meant so so much to me, cant quite put that into words. comparisons. the gravity of just that, i suppose. but i agree, the energy is 100% laurie but there's a lot of me in it too.
but its just incredible, you see us, you know what we're like and that is all i've ever dreamed of really and i am so so glad we're friends too.
really thank you everyone, for the snow and the colors and the light and everything. all the little thoughts, "hey this reminds me of them." it means the world.
that's kind of why therapy this week was incredible please remind me to talk about it, that is why i'm still awake at this ridiculous hour.

it is 2:30 am and i need to run to the post office tomorrow morning, so i'd better get some sleep now or else it'll be too late for that.

good night to all of you ♥