prismaticbleed | april 1

Quick mandatory post-therapy update as it's 1AM and things have been both busy and foggy lately so I apologize for the silence.

+ "void drive" suicidal undertone is back. we're all very concerned for our well-being, but are working with both our therapist and our case manager to try and get us to a "safe space," both mentally and physically if needed.
+ therapy today was odd. javier fronted again for a minute, specifically to talk about respect, and there's a record of his hair (big red mohawk) being the clearest thing about his energy overlay (surprising, as it's usually his piercings that he anchors with). also the only reason he was able to get through at ALL was because knife punched through the "fronter barrier" by forcing an anchor into his fangs. he has one of the easiest anchors to activate, so using that to "force" a link to headspace despite the apathetic blur was very smart actually.
+ it is uncanny, how there is a tangible shift in the entire atmospheric "vibe" of reality whenever headspace anchors in. there is this actual clarification of things, like colors suddenly get more saturated, and i can see things intuitively instead of just guessing. things like that are what prevent doubt from ever sticking around for long.
+ headspace felt like it was about 10 feet away to the right for most of the morning prior to knife doing that, but i could tell everyone was still bunched around the couch in front of the "screen" they watch realtime therapy updates on-- there's a whole room for that now-- and knife and laurie were up front. they were both acutely distressed but although i cannot tell you what they were talking about, i do remember one thing because it was the first bit to break through the fog... knife kept trying to comfort laurie and at one point, she just hugged him, in tears, but then she actually kissed his forehead. that is a really rare but sincere thing! knife was completely flustered, but laurie said (with a seriousness that surprised me), "why do you have to be so much like jay?" she sat back down then, still teary-eyed and solemn, but knife held her hand like a child does then, and they both just waited to see what happened in therapy. BUT sugar was in the back of the room and i swear her face absolutely lit up when all that happened, it felt like her "protector of sweetness" ideal finally clicked into place for her. her entire energy vibe softened from thistle-spikes to thistledown in that same moment, that was lovely even to sense
+ also sugar's metainomen symbol IS a stylized flower?? like a rose. robes are also "dusty pink," like the victorian girl but more brown? rose taupe maybe, unsure. i still can't get a grip on what her title is either, but it's something unusual... similar to a "gardener" in that it refers to "one who takes care of another," but not in as personal a way as knife does? like it's specifically "tending" the garden and not taking care of people. that is the exact vibe i get from it, energetically. "keeper," "custodian," you get the picture. i'll have to talk to her personally and see.
+ btw, as far as clairsentient "positioning" goes, once knife and laurie got enough of their anchor-energy into the body to allow for fronting if needed, headspace went from being "somewhere over there" to literally being superimposed on the body's consciousness, like now there was this "opening up" inside the skull and beyond that there was this entire realm, not just a floating space to the right. like i said, amazing stuff.
+ biggest struggles as of late: moral quandaries surrounding eating again (fasting is addictive, having emotional breakdowns over "consuming things," compulsive vomiting as a result, not eating for 24+ waking hours and never having any appetite, feeling i "cannot eat if i want to be holy," etc.), and shockingly subtle reiterations of the sexually abusive stuff (mostly the post-awakening hack threats, and the tired, childlike mindset of "if i stop fighting maybe it'll stop hurting"). therapist pointed out both, was completely unaware of second until symptoms started showing up. shocking how that is not a major battleground anymore, however that's because we are avoiding the issue entirely. something "triggered" it on saturday, though, and since then i've been battling intrusive thoughts and more "morality programming," of the sort that made me force myself into very detrimental situations throughout late 2011 and most of 2012. somehow thanks to the apathy fog that was admitted to the therapist, holy smokes, never expected that to be revealed so plainly but there you go. however that is good because THAT time period is where all the lingering troubles are rooted.
+ old relevance keeps coming up from god knows where and hitting me like a freight train to the heart, to reference an old xanga (we are all hellbent on having one of those asap so you know, i'm excited too). i will not ignore this. the truths ring too loud to ignore; it catches at your heart in such a way that ignorance is unfathomable.
so far the loudest bit was from this entry (also highly relevant as of late)... "Bottom line... my belief, my ability to BE the kind of person that can believe like that, is arguably the most important thing in headspace. It's what determines life or death. It's what keeps the lights burning on the globe. It's what allows dreams to shine, instead of turning to coal dust. It's what allows wonder and hope and fun and memories to exist at all."
I read that and just started crying. no wonder i've been feeling such a weird push to watch rotg again lately. i cannot believe i let that truth slip my mind... mark my words, i am writing that down and hanging it right over my workspace tomorrow.

On a more lighthearted note, I got my old iMAGNi art back from SLC in the mail! I literally squeaked with joy when I saw that the pencils for this were included (I love both Falda and White; of course I had to buy them!). So it's now above my workspace, alongside this poster and this print and the old "iMAGNi classroom" pencils (which I love way too much, it's adorable) and a little handwritten thank-you from TRiPPY herself I received in 2010 or so. And this is printed out and alongside my computer. Yes I'm a big fan, it's hilarious. Also I still don't know if I'm a White, Amber, or Pink Gen in the new Engelbaum lineup... I feel such strong resonances to all three, I literally am not going to be able to narrow it down until the canon details are revealed! But at the moment I am perfectly happy being an indecisively sugar-snow-incense dude, haha.
However, on the other side of Falda there's this, this, and this... three images that mean worlds to me, to say the very least.

Also I WAS AN IDIOT and I never posted the "double 4th incident" from November 2012 to this archive, heaven knows how that happened! So here it is, because I kept thinking about it today, in light of my sudden resurgence of affection for all our Outspacers, a.k.a. the "gang" from way back when. I bring this up because alongside that WTAHM printout, there are little keychains of Ryou, Marik, and Chaos. I want to remember them always, so there they are!

And if you will excuse me my battery is about to die in five seconds see you tomorrow!