fearheal1

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

- fear/anger towards mother and mel.

let's find the roots of this and heal it


why are you angry at mel
I don’t know
find one thing.
I think they are mocking me. they smile and I am ashamed and I hate them.
why do you hate them? why are they mocking you?
I don’t really hate them, I hate that I feel they are so much better than me and would never let me share in that? if that makes sense. like they had so much power and strength and I wanted to be the same, I want to be the same way, but I felt they were forbidding me?
how was they forbidding you?
by always running to me for only the negative. looking for support, showing me all this weakness. and I couldn’t balance that with their drive, their determination, their ambition.
they were looking to you for support. they trusted you.
I know, they still do. I don’t know why there’s so much bitterness towards them
is it because of what they said when you left utah? when they said you "spat in their face," and did not care about them? even though you wore yourself down?
maybe. I think the only reason I havent let go of that is because I believed it. and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy I think and that is terrifying.
then let me say this. you did not spit in their face. you felt unworthy of their presence, and so you rejected their help, because you wanted to be as strong as they were and felt their help was forbidding you from reaching it.
yes. I felt they saw me as less. as flawed.
they did not. they do not.
I see myself as flawed compared to them. and there is still bitterness because I feel I have to become them. I project that. I interpret every little thing they do as being intended for me to see. "look, look what I am doing and saying, why aren't you doing the same?" they went to a comic convention and it felt like a stab in the back. "look at what I am able to do! why aren't you doing this?" nevermind that I don’t even want to, I don’t like comic conventions. but it’s the FREEDOM, the SUCCESS, the INDEPENDENCE. I want to personify those things too, in a way good for me. and the guilt of feeling stuck is making me bitter towards them, as they are a beacon on all my flaws.
so you do not hate them, you hate the self-loathing you project onto them. in them, you see an unreachable ideal that you want to reach terribly, and are told you are too weak.
yeah. I need to forgive them. and myself. they did nothing wrong. I guess I just feel they are draining me. when they talk to me it feels manipulative? like why cant we talk about positive things, not drama and negativity. but we never really had anything in common. and there's a lot of bitterness too. "I need you! I need you!" making me feel sworn to them for years. and then they left without a word, turned back to them dozens of other friends, to their job, to their education. they never needed me, but I drained myself dry for them. and still they insist they needs me, and I am not getting anything from this. is that selfish?
to want something from this?
yes. I want to feel like they are a positive person in my life too. but they doesn't feel like it? and I cant tell if that's my fault or not. like they have nothing to offer me that I need, EXCEPT that they know and cares for the system… I think.
so you only talk to them because they know your inner life.
yes. but they does not speak of it like e^5 does. for mel it's not important. and that's fine. but I love the system more than I love myself. and mel doesn’t focus on them when we talk? I guess that’s why I'm sad. I listen to mel and try to help them, but I get nothing in return. I don’t want to be bitter or demanding. but this is draining me.
what would you have to receive in return, to feel fulfilled in this relationship?
real love. trust. a feeling that they cares about us as more than just an ear to talk into. they feel so terribly distant all the time. but that's probably my fault too.
do you feel any need to reach out to them?
no. we have little in common. it is hard to relate to them. is that wrong?
why would it be wrong?
because I feel like I have to be with them. and that makes me bitter. they were a friend once, but I don’t remember that, I don’t remember them. oh. maybe that’s it. I don’t know who they are, there is no connection between us, and our conversations are so robotic. so flat. there’s no genuine outpouring or openness in them. I would love to give that first but they offer nothing anymore. they say nothing about their people. they do not write poetry anymore. it's just jobs, and video games, and fandoms. I don’t know how to connect to them as a person. if I did I would likely not feel this bitter.
you feel betrayed.
yes. no. yes. I feel like they expect a friendship and yet never offer their hand. or they do, but then everything must be by their rules. I don’t know. it makes me sick to my stomach. I am trying to think positively of them but I don’t know them, I don’t remember them, what do I do?
think about them with forgiveness. for now that is all you can do. rinse out the bitter scars with forgiveness. even if you don’t know them. practice seeing them as a child of the universe, practice seeing them as a child of god, just like everyone else.
something is trying to stop me from doing that.
why? why would they be separate?
because… because I am projecting onto them. I am seeing them not as a person, but as an extension of my bitter past. of my cruel psyche. whoever was out in 2012, whoever stayed with them, feels stuck to them. whatever they said after we left, when they defined us as someone horrible to be around, as a poison to their health, it stuck. part of us cannot forgive itself for that. because it believes it.
what would it take for you to let go of that, and believe you are better?
…I don’t know. the past cannot be changed. if I was so cruel, so toxic, how can I change that? can I?
lets say you cannot. say the past is as it is. can you move on? can you forgive who you were?
its hard to forgive when I assume it was intentional. I cannot remember. if I was so malevolent a person, forgiveness feels like a wave of the hand. 'it's fine!' and it is not fine. to have treated them so wrongly is not fine.
will hating your past self change it?
no. sadly it wont. I keep thinking that if I crush it with enough guilt and shame for its actions, for its disgusting hedonism and selfish cruelty, it will crumble under the weight and die. and then whoever that person was will be no more.
then what? would you be able to talk to mel?
…only if they did not see me as that person still.
is that what you think?
yes. that may be the problem. in talking to them I have nothing to go on BUT that 2012 timeframe. and so I feel that I MUST be whoever we were back then. do you see?
you do not have to be anyone. be yourself.
how? if they do not know me, nor I them.
be yourself. get to know them then. start over.
do I forget the past then?
what do you remember? is there anything to go on?
very little. it's more obligatory than anything.
tell me what you remember of them.
they like the color yellow. they listen to empire of the sun and pentatonix. they like howl from the ghibli movie, and cillian murphy, especially his blue eyes. they keep tons of journals. there's the bitterness again, the feeling that "you should have been like them!! they are so much better than you!!" and the self-hatred pushed outwards, because I feel them associating with me is a forceful order from god or something TO imitate them.
so you cannot talk to them without trying to become them.
without tailoring myself to them exactly, yes.
that is not safe or wise behavior.
how do I be myself with them then? its too selfish. I cannot be myself and talk to anotthem person because my focus is entirely on my own progress and inner life. in order to talk to someone else, I MUST bleed out dry and take on their lives instead. I MUST empathize with them totally or I cannot focus on them at all.
so it is all or nothing for you?
yes. where do I draw the line?
I do not know.
oddly it’s the same when they take inspiration from me. which is weird. like when they used to keep journals, or now on tumblr. when they share my actions or interests, my gut reaction is "they are forcing my life to imitate theirs now. they are slowly taking these aspects onto themself and making them entirely theirs, until I will have no choice but to become them." why is this how I think?
why do you feel you have to become them? or that they cannot share your interests without that occurring? is it simply the self =/= others paradox you have?
probably. it’s like, "well if they like this now, I cannot, because then I will be taking it from them." and it feels like they are swallowing my life. which makes no sense at all. again, it's projected. it's self-loathing and they are, sadly, innocently, the mirror. but… mel is so fearless!!! they talk without being ashamed!! they present their opinions, their thoughts on things, and don’t censor or shame themself. but my brain intereprets that as "attention seeking," "drama maker," "demanding attention," et cetera. absolute narcissism. if I were to state my opinion the same way, I would get glared at, looked at disgustedly, "what's wrong with you?" "how dare you speak up." and it is so sorry, I am sorry.
this is childhood programming.
it is.
and you still believe it. why?
there are so few examples to the contrary, and so much emphasis on that self-condemnation.
give positive examples to yourself. can you? or do you entirely believe that speaking your mind is "emotionally manipulative?"
it doesn't have to be, but it's hard to tell if my motives are or not, because i give everyone else the benefit of the doubt and automatically assume i am "less," that my behavior is ALREADY wrong.
that is false. give yourself more freedom. forgive yourself. mistakes are not a death knell.
they were. they are. to this day, when i mess up, i am told "we will kill you for this." there is no third strike. this is russian roulette. you pick the wrong path, then you're gone. that's it.
life is not like that. you must accept this. it is not one shot and then you're done. nothing grows that way.
in my heart i know that. but, again, childhood programming. hellfire and black marks and all that.
i know. so let us return to your thoughts on mel. how they are fearless in your eyes.
they are. they speak their mind, and pursue their wants and dreams, and promote their work, utterly without fear. i couldn't do that without feeling like i was forcing it down everyone else's throat. "look at me! look at me!!" demanding and cruel and hateful. they aren't like that, but i only know that option from past experience. so i get confused. i project that onto them.
then you must learn a different option. what is the first step we can take?
well i'm posting more of my art online. i'm not asking for recognition, i'm just passively sharing.
does that feel like forcing it on others to you?
yes. just posting it feels like forcing it on others.
so, in that train of thought, the only "non-selfish" thing would be to keep it to yourself?
paradoxically. that's the stupid irony, because NOT sharing would be the REAL selfish choice.
then remember that.
i will have to. i just don't want to force anyone to do anything.
are you? are you demanding it?
i think subconsciously? i love my work, i have so much love and joy for this life, i just want others to feel that too. and, as a child i did not get that from my peers or family. i always only wanted to share, and it was never really felt. i just got the "smile and nod" response, mostly. the few times there was genuine interest-- like that one night my mum got so interested in dream world they was asking about elevolt, all on them own, i will never forget that-- those few times stand out like a sign from god. i treasure that. and maybe it is selfish, but i want that in my life. actively. constantly. it brings me pure joy, to share in that love. to SHARE in it. it is a group effort. i would not force anyone to love this. but if they do, then god willing, let us magnify it together. let's celebrate this.
that is not selfish.
i just think i'm forcing it. like i'm trying too hard. but that's likely due to a lack of self-credit again. a lack of contentment with myself.
why?
uh... because i'm just one person, maybe? because "happiness is only real when shared." it's a restlessness.
does this tie into mel?
yes. yes it does. and it's so hypocritical. i WANT to celebrate their stories and inner life with them, BUT they doesn't share much of it? yet? maybe they doesn't want to. maybe i can't relate to it as strongly as i want to. and that scares me. what if ultimately i cannot be the person they need me to be?
do they truly "need you to be" anything?
i thought they said so. maybe i'm trying too hard. again, maybe i feel i have no other choice.
how much of your relationship with them is obligation?
most of it.
what if you did need to move on? what if they asked you to? would you be crushed under the guilt like you were in 2013?
i hope not.
why do you feel obligated to be their slave, even if they were to tell you strictly otherwise?
because... i don't know. that power dynamic is older than i am. whoever met them first, in 2009 or whenever, that was the basis for our relationship. we were under their control. we had to be them. oh shoot do you think that was because of q?
what?
we were so terrified of losing his friendship. our only lasting friendship, the only one that had roots-- he knew about genesis, about chaos, about the jewel monsters. he knew about the things dear to our heart. we didn't know him, hell we had almost nothing in common, but we cared about him dearly from a distance nevertheless. we called him a friend. BUT we had no precedence for mel appearing in this. we thought, "now he has them, he does not need us anymore, it's over." all or nothing. that is the only recorded feeling for that time period. "i can't lose my only friend. i will do anything. i will become anything. just let us keep our friendship." i have no idea what resulted from it... but maybe that was the "idolizing" thing with mel. i'm getting confused. sorry.
you feel that you view them, on the rawest level, as "someone to become." "someone to imitate exactly."
maybe? subconsciously. like i said. but the bitterness is because of that probably. thinking that i cannot be my own person as long as they are around. i MUST be everything they needs. and the angriest part is that i WANT to be, i WANT to be everything for them, I HAVE to be... but why?? it's "wanting" in a "i have no choice" sense. i care about them, but..... i have never felt close to them. i don't know who they are. they talk like we're the closest friends on earth sometimes, and it confuses me, because there's this huge distance between us. they have so many other friends. we have no history together. why do i feel obligated to sacrifice my life for them?
you don't have to.
they say they need me. they need my support. i want to give it, entirely, that is true. but i am so angry, so confused, because... why?
is it because part of you misses the days when they, too, knew what was dear to your heart?
that's selfish.
is it?
yes. it's selfish as hell to want to talk about headspace and dream world for hours. so selfish. the only time it would not be selfish would be if they adored it, like i do, and wanted to talk about it. they doesn't. it's fake that way. forced. obligatory. and then it is empty and wrong and irreverent.
what if they did love it? what then?
then i would let THEM talk. that would be wonderful. i would love to listen. even if they just talked about their people.
you want more than just them asking for a shoulder to cry on, then.
no, even THAT would be better than this. i'm just listening to hurts and troubles i cannot do anything about. i feel powerless and frustrated. what can i do or say? and it feels so distant. maybe if it wasn't online. maybe if we were in the same room, maybe they'd let their walls down, maybe i wouldn't have to say anything in response and they'd still know i cared. i'm just not getting that right now. it feels shallow. i'm angry because i don't want shallowness. maybe i'm being a hypocrite. i don't know.
i will ask again: do you want to rebuild a friendship with them?
only if it is not one-sided. only if it has depth and sincerity. only if it's not so focused on the negative all the time. i cannot do this now, where i am just a therapist, not a friend. it feels too much like my mom. "this is why my life sucks. i am so depressed. you're such a good listener, i don't know where i'd be without you." and that's fine if it helps, really i'm glad, but... i get so tired being nothing but a listener. it's depersonalizing, if that makes sense?
it does. there is no real output from you.
i don't even want output, i want to feel like a person in relation to them. if they were talking about joy, about something that lit them up, then i'd feel real too. they'd be trusting me enough to share that. now, it's just like yelling at a wall. i don't know. i'm tired, i'm sorry. i don't hate them, i'm sorry for saying that at first. i hate the way i feel around them currently. it's not fair to them, they doesn't deserve that. but it's all internal stuff being brought out by them, things that need to be healed, and i thank them for that even if they doesn't know.
would you like to continue talking about this?
no, not now, i need to let this be and unplug my head from it. think positive thoughts, higthem vibration things. thoughts that don't make me feel nauseous and sick like this. i will instead "be the change i want to see." be who i want to be. if i am happy with myself, truly so, and respect myself, these problems will fall away on their own in due time. this is another mirror. if my reflection isn't presentable, then i must polish myself.
then do so.