prismaticbleed

Thought #1: I have a personal rule-- emotions are shown upstairs, not downstairs. I'll bleed joy into pages whenever it is needed, and in headspace I can laugh and cry and everything else... but it must never show on my physical face. That tends to have disastrous consequences. I also tend to show emotions either as 1) intellectual translations, or 2) programmed responses. It's why I don't like them. Either I'm not feeling at all and am only acting as I feel is "appropriate" for the situation, or I'm feeling so much that I don't know how to translate it, and it comes out as a jumbled mess of broken words and random movements.

Thought #2: I have this nagging suspicion that I'm failing at being an individual, on some level. It's hilariously ironic. When I work, I work as a watcher. I write and draw and compose as a channel, not a person. It's the natural method of doing so, and it's the only way I can operate. Problem is, as soon as "I" enter the picture in any way, shape, or form... things collapse. I think this is why I'm having these weird lingering problems with headspace. When I'm not a part of it, it carries on spectacularly, without any trouble. When I am part of it, I can't seem to function at all. Having a personality is confusing to me, most days. Downstairs it's borderline traumatic at times. I'm not sure what to do.

Thought #3: words. I'm not very good with them. We were talking about paraphrasing in class today, and it struck me why I can't seem to do so easily: I find such specificity in chosen words that I see no way TO paraphrase, when the information given is confined strictly to the written word. It's why I personally become very frustrating if I can't find the "right word" to use in speech or writing, even if a synonym or alternate term would work just as well: I'm actually trying to find consonants and colors and sounds that match up with my intended message, not just the etymological function. So I tend to honor specificity in turn.

Thought #4: today I discovered that the old Jewel DOES still exist-- and that she almost always co-fronts with me. This explains a lot. She's no threat to anyone, though-- if anything, she's actually a gateway to all the old creativity we thought we lost, which is highly significant and deeply consoling. She also insists that "her color is still Red," which poses quite a few questions in the Spectrum, but I'll continue to investigate that on my own time.

Thought #5: life as an "alter" in general. I'm not even sure who or what I am anymore, and strangely that doesn't seem to matter much. All I know for sure is that I'm not the original body consciousness. That's a relief; it takes a lot of stress off my back.
It is exhausting, though, having to constantly struggle for mental dominion against the girls underground. It's very tiring. Sometimes I just want to not exist at all. Sometimes I wonder if that's even me thinking... I only seem to exist in any total honesty at night. I'm afraid I've fractured too much to do any differently. During the day I can only come across in written words, or maybe music, or sight. I can't talk, and moving can be difficult. It's tiring, it really is. But Laurie keeps reminding me that life is beautiful anyway, and hearing that come from someone who is covered in battle scars means more than I can say.

Thought #6: synchronicity. For months I wasn't seeing any numbers, wasn't getting any lineups anywhere. Then, last week I think, they just exploded back into reality as if they had never stopped. Numbers were everywhere, songs kept communicating long-forgotten truths, random words would do the same to greater degrees, weather patterns would line up with upstairs events... it's incredible. Many people upstairs talk to me here that way, too. Chaos does so the most often and the most audibly (His native language isn't verbal either)... so it's good to hear him talking in that way so often now, after not having been around him for so long upstairs. It makes life feel "right," somehow. Also, my dreams are returning to their vivid brilliance, and people from headspace are able to access them again. Laurie has stopped by about three times this week, so far. I find it amusing but entirely unsurprising that this only started happening once I finally began reading the Sandman comic series... and let me tell you, synchronicity abounds within those pages.

Thought #7: remember your old and insistent title. You're a source of Hope, like it or not, and you cannot reverse a metanoia once it's taken root in your heart. Don't forget the old hopes from old lives either... our timeline may have been reset twofold, but that doesn't mean we don't have a chance this time. the only reason you took a knife to the disc in the first place was because you hoped something new and better would replace it. has it? take a look. i think it has.
Maybe we're closer to winning this war now than ever before, so to speak, even if it looks like we're in a doomed and empty void. Look deeper. Look beyond.

Thought #8: infinity sideways. How strange, and how oddly fitting, that both Chaos and Infinitii are demonstrating their importance right now. Something keeps telling me that they're connected, which is disconcertingly obvious when I consider it... but it's not a bad thing. It's just a strange thing, strange and shocking, but blessed nonetheless. Kind of like Xenophon. Maybe she has the answer? I wonder.
Lastly, Chaos' energy came through the veil last night for the first time since we spoke in Salt Lake City. After months of doubting whether or not anything was true at all, feeling that slam into my awareness was like... it was as if I had been deaf all my life, and in that moment, I heard music for the first time.
I'm sorry; this is an example of when words fail, absolutely and beautifully, to express what I'm actually feeling.

Thought #9: stop thinking for a while. It helps.

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