011313

[prismaticbleed]

just having some rough times right now, don't mind me

I typically don't talk about my troubles as it makes me feel incredibly selfish, but honestly this is starting to frighten me and I need to write it down somewhere, so why not post it here.

Please forgive any rough language or the like; I'm just going to bleed onto the page here and I apologize if it turns out sounding rather out of character.


Over the past two months I've been dealing with some seriously distressing psychological trouble, which ironically seems to be nothing but an explosion of old stuff I've bottled up over the years. Normally I'd just shove it back under the rug, but this time I don't really have any coping methods left so I'm stuck at the moment.


It's almost hilarious how long this has been on the back burner though. I've gotten so good at "fronting" over the years that I've virtually forgotten how to actually recognize and acknowledge my emotions. I've always felt so pressured to "be normal" that now I inflict that label on myself, and wonder why I still have trouble functioning from day to day. "If I'm normal, I shouldn't have any problems!" That's what I keep telling myself.
However, back in early December, my mother actually confronted me and said I had all the symptoms of severe depression, and that I should seriously consider seeking help.
I honestly laughed it off at first. Me? Depressed? Are you kidding? I'm always smiling, there's lots of reasons to live, I can't possibly be depressed.
Then I looked up the symptoms and realized, oh no, I've got all of this.

But it feels stupid. Really, it does. Why the heck am I depressed? What reason do I have to feel like this? None, I say. None at all.
Dysfunctional family history? No, why should that bother me now?
Schizotypal/ Aspergers/ whatever asinine diagnosis I have that has cost me hundreds of dollars in (failed) therapy and hospitalization? Nah, that's just you being ridiculous.
Gender dysphoria so bad that sometimes I can't get up in the morning? Nope, you shouldn't complain about that anyway.
PTSD from sexual abuse that keeps getting worse? Heck no, that wasn't even valid!


You see what I mean? This is what I think like. It drives me up the wall.
According to my brain, my life is PERFECT, and I have absolutely no reason to be upset! I don't know what suffering is, so I should shut up and deal with it!
"Just be normal," my family says. Just plaster on a plastic smile and keep parroting what we tell you to, that's a good boy!
And I do it because I want to see them happy.
Except I'm sleeping 13 hours a night, I'm still self-abusing, nothing seems to have meaning anymore, and I've been seriously contemplating AND intermittently attempting suicide for five freaking years thanks to the problems I won't dare tell anyone because I feel like the most self-centered man in the world by confessing or showing evidence of them, and whenever I slip I get threatened with the psych ward again.
So I keep smiling and playing the part and hoping I don't wake up in the morning


I am so tired of this. I am so, so tired.


...The only thing keeping me alive right now is my 'headspace family' which is an absolutely horrible double-edged sword because with how troubled I apparently am, I can't seem to stop asking that age-old question: "what if none of it is real?"
It's the worst with Chaos, because he's also a videogame character who I started talking to nine years ago, which was crazy enough, but then I fell in love with him, so much that he was my only reason to live for a very long time; how delusional do you think that makes me feel some mornings?
Seriously here's this individual that I love more than words can say and according to 99% of the planet, he doesn't even exist. Put him in headspace and make him my strongest lifeline since 2005 and stuff gets real painful real fast.
Oh yeah, and apparently thanks to him I've got this impossible alien daughter, how insane is that? One evening it's all "hey guess what you're this kid's father" and whoa how the heck did that happen? And two years later she is still the only thing I cannot seem to stop caring about, no matter how I try, even with all this lingering psychological damage.
Every time I try to end it all, I can't forget how she reacted that time I almost did and it just hurts too much to bear and I end up sobbing like a gutless idiot.


Maybe I really have lost my mind, who really cares at this point.


I reeaallly should stop talking already.


God help me this just hurts like actual hell, why can't I seem to let go of it?
Am I supposed to? Is there something I need to learn from this?
I can't seem to see straight anymore.


I apologize for clogging your dashboards with this nonsense.
Consider this a very rare admittance of desperation on my part, which may or may not be deleted within the next few days if my head keeps shouting "fix your own stupid problems and stop crying for help like a freaking baby" at me.


Hope you're all having a good month. I really am trying, honest to God I am, but nights like this aren't the easiest thing to get through.


I'll be okay.



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@12:06 am


Sure, just go right ahead and break my aching heart all over again.
It's always on the worst nights, always, that this sort of thing happens.

I get it, universe, you don't want me to die.
But I'm sorry. I still want to, somehow, more than anything.
Honestly I think it's something being rerouted.
I'm so tired of all the pain and anger around me that I'm trying to get rid of it by getting rid of myself, the observer of it. It doesn't work that way though. Why am I letting it affect me? Why am I thinking so much?
I'm still so tired all the damn time, and I have been for too long already...

"It's the thanatos drive flipped into blinding light. Too much of a good thing. It's a death wish that's only there because god, the other side is so beautiful, and I'm tired of feeling separate. I'm tired..."

I keep trying to drown this in sparkly things but is that really the best plan of action here?
I mean I've been doing it for years but it's just painting over the troubles.
But if it's all illusory anyway, maybe I don't have to "solve" it as much as I need to just... move them aside to remember the sun behind the clouds all along.
I really hope that's all I have to do, but honestly, it's not so easy when you're drowning in deathwishes.

Deep breaths, come on man, it's going to be okay. Stop feeling so hopeless.
Somehow we'll get through this, I guess, I'm not even sure if I want to anymore, but it's not about me, remember that for heaven's sake. Stop thinking about yourself.

"But there's a reason you're here, with a form, cupid boy. You have so much love in you for this world, too, and you know that you're alive because your responsibility is to share that, to give that, in a way that doesn't involve freakin' killing yourself."

This one too...

"That's love, honest and true, and when you take that and hold it up against the tar it can't lose by virtue of its own existence. So do that. Recognize the fact that you CANNOT lose this, ever, and you have every bleeding right in the universe to feel it. It's your natural state, boy, on more levels than you realize. Not this garbage. This pain, this regret, it's only blinding you. It's a distraction, it's pollution, it's a stone-cold wall. Break it down. Or, even better, walk through it. You know what I mean."

Laurie, you're probably the most incredible person I've ever met, you do know that?

I think I need to re-read everything in my archives from December of 2010 through February of 2011. I have a very unsettling feeling that this is all repeating and it's going to keep doing that until I get it right somehow.


Off to sleep again, not going to get much tonight, school starts on Monday, hope to God I can do this.


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@ 09:56 pm  

 

Spring semester starts tomorrow, gotta be awake at 5AM, oh boy.

I am very thankful that I'm taking three art classes this semester-- Color & Design, Photography, and Still Life Painting. This is only the third semester I've ever had in Illustration (and I had to drop out of the first one in '09 thanks to the psychological nightmare I was back then), and last year I learned a lot with only one class. So I'm really going to put my nose to the grindstone with this semester. I know I can go far if I stop telling myself that I can't, haha. Simple as that!
In any case I need to go back to drawing daily. Depression has taken a heavy toll on my progress and I'm not happy with that fact. 
My big goal for the year is to start a webcomic for either Dream World or Sonic Inversion, depending on which one decides to stop plot-warping first. I would absolutely love to do both, but I don't want to overburden myself. Either way that is my online art resolution for 2013, and you can hold me to that.

Lastly, just to recap the nonsense from last night, I only got four hours of sleep as I was awake until 5AM but I'm dealing. 
I feel rather ridiculous about the fact that I cracked enough to write about it here, but I suppose that's a stumbling block I've gotta get past as well. Stop trying to be the tough guy, seriously. You're just suffocating yourself at this point.

I've had two people online offer their support about this over the past week-- one very old friend and one very new one, both of whom I don't speak with nearly as much as I'd like to-- and I just want to reiterate that I sincerely appreciate it.
I've been through much worse than this, and if I survived then I can survive now. I just have to keep reminding myself of it... a lot has changed over the past year, whether I can see it now or not. I'm stronger than this. I won't let it ruin me.

Genesis showed up around 3AM this morning and said he'd be tagging along for the spring semester, which is brilliant news as I haven't seen much of him in weeks and he used to ghost constantly. Really his sudden absence has been jarring. Laurie's still rather shaken up (she had a meltdown yesterday evening) but her state of mind basically depends on mine, being a superego and all, so I owe it to her to do better. Xenophon is doing surprisingly okay from what I've seen of her lately, thank God (she's a strong kid). Chaos is fluctuating as always, being the empath he is, but I know Laurie's making sure he doesn't go too far. As for the rest of Central, I've been seriously lacking in the communication department lately so I can only hope for the best.
See, this is what I'm most concerned about when I get depressed. I've got way too many people inhabiting my headspace to be careless about the shape it's in.
I guess I'm just deeply unsettled as the past two Januaries have been rather catastrophic for us all and I do not want that pattern to continue any longer.  
Guess it's up to me to take control of that. Challenge accepted.

Anyway I need sleep something fierce so I'll see you guys again whenever.