UPMC journal 102822

[prismaticbleed]

Lately, I've noticed that my body image is NOTABLY & CONCERNINGLY DIFFERENT across FOUR DIFFERENT CONTEXTS: physicality, artwork, dreams, & nightmares. Starting with tangible reality, the eating disorder was tied to this desire to be THIN, SMALL, BONY, & FLAT. We basically wanted the body of a tween. Tall, skinny, & lean, bursting with pure energy. The problem was THAT WAS IMPOSSIBLE post-hormones. Our body IS bigger & broader, like it or not, and we CAN'T CHANGE THAT. We cannot "erase the past" by attempting to erase the "body that was IN that past." But we tried. NOTABLY, though, we were HIGHLY DEPERSONALIZED even then. We were SO CONTROLLING of the body in the mirror, BUT I STILL NEVER REALLY SAW IT AS "ME." It was bizarre. No matter how many photos I took, they all felt so foreign. Looking back... I wonder at the irony. THAT body-- starved & lanky-- was the body WE HAD DURING TRAUMA!!! So of COURSE I STILL couldn't feel "safe" in it, as it MATCHED THAT OLD AWARENESS, like it or not. BUT we were TERRIFIED of "gaining weight"-- and getting bigger-- because ALL OF OUR "ABUSERS" HAD BEEN SHAPELY OR OVERWEIGHT WOMEN. And we NEVER wanted to see THAT in the mirror. So we were stuck. We also NEVER "DREW" OURSELF DURING THIS TIME; notably we "COULDN'T SEE OURSELF." I didn't know "WHAT I LOOK LIKE." ...weirdly, as we adjust to the new weight gain, our body SHAPE is ACTUALLY LESS SCARY?? we're not "fat," we're just getting SOLID? but there's not much I can say on that yet; our size & shape & weight are currently TOO UNSTABLE AND MUTABLE to "feel comfortable in" ...yet, God willing. Even so WE ARE DREAMING, and THAT IS BIZARRE. In MOST of my dreams, I AM a "tween"!! The family and the environment is ~2001, and my brothers are little. In anxious dreams-- flat nightmares-- Diamond & Lightning are typically ABSENT, and Jade/Viral is FULL SCHIZO. In those dreams, though, MY HAIR IS LONG??? I feel TOTALLY "BLANK" and jumbled to the point of indistinction. In TRAUMA NIGHTMARES I am always female & not a child, but I don't know HOW old or young or what "I" look like; I am an object in that context. When I wake up I feel so wrong and gutted. When Chaos Zero saves me, I still have mid-length hair, like I did as a teen. I can't remember if I've EVER had short hair in negative dreams? With ONE SLIGHT "EXCEPTION"-- last week I had a dream that referenced both Chaos Zero, and Genesis AS "SELPH," and my "appearance" KEPT SHIFTING? Mostly it was that "age 16" look; pre-terror. BUT at ONE point I was "in my apartment"? which had a patio balcony the size of a deck, and was about 4 floors up? and in a city-- like in Europe, all brown-toned "apartments" curving down cobbled streets, flowers on every windowsill. I was out on that deck, taking care of a huge vase of red flowers-- amaryllis?-- but I was naked from at least the waist up, and I had SHORT RED HAIR, and our body was BIG, like it is now. ...Except it's NOT!! When I woke up and checked the mirror, I was SHOCKED to see that we were NOWHERE NEAR THAT FAT. No "rolls," no bulges. But that's how my SUBCONSCIOUS saw it. Similarly, in another dream this week, our body was chunky-flabby again but also covered in acne, and our teeth were also crooked and yellow? It was so odd. But we had NO SENSE OF "SELF"; our presence was "flat" & hollow, totally void of personality & life. Again, when I awoke I was shocked to see mostly clear skin and no flab. So we DO experience dysmorphia. ...HOWEVER. We, shockingly, ALSO STILL HAVE DYSPHORIA. I wouldn't have realized that so undeniably IF I HADN'T HAD A CERTAIN DREAM this week... and if I hadn't tried to draw myself, too. On the 23rd, I had a dream about being on a bus & being asked about my love for Chaos Zero; I couldn't quite "feel who I was" but it was female, with a suppressed vibe, and I think the teen hair again. But we felt older; 20s maybe? Even so, we were still blurry. BUT THEN the bus went to a "museum" ABOUT CZ & I, and the INSTANT I walked in... Xenophon ran up to embrace me. And she joyfully shouted, "daddy!!" ...And my hair turned white. I shifted IMMEDIATELY and TOTALLY into that Jay-root MALE form, beard and all, and... I felt real. ...I also felt terrified. THAT WAS HOW I LOOKED INTERNALLY WHEN THE TRAUMA HAPPENED!!!!! So I SHUT DOWN. ...although apparently, I couldn't "erase it." It still RESONATES, but it's ALSO CHOKED WITH FEAR FROM SXABUSE. So it's deeply damaged. I'M damaged.
I'm starting to suspect that I CANNOT properly form/ restore/ hold a HEALTHY, HONEST self-image AND self-awareness UNTIL THE TRAUMA IS GENUINELY FACED & DEALT WITH. I've said before, a HUGE part of "me" DIED in CNC-- arguably MOST of me. It's taken YEARS to "find myself again" and all this recent revelation, alongside the PHYSICAL "recovery" process itself, has proven quite clearly that I have a LOT more "finding" to do!! I've lost things that I've FORGOTTEN I HAD, and WAS. But... apparently it's ONLY "lost," NOT "dead." So that's something. I hope to God it's a good thing. Objectively HE is the One orchestrating everything, so I need to PRAY ABOUT THIS, WITHOUT USING PRAYER AS A FORM OF DEPERSONALIZATION & DENIAL. I too quickly go into "CLEAN MIND" when I'm anxious but start praying, and THAT'S NOT REAL PRAYER!! Real prayer is TALKING TO GOD FROM WITHIN THIS PAIN. Only then do I feel "real," too. On that note, context #4 for body image is VERY much about "feeling," because it's ART! Now, when I draw something from memory or imagination, I'm NOT going by a literally visible reference; the "accuracy" is based on INTUITION. "Knowing" what is accurate or not, because it RESONATES. It CLICKS. It's like, when you look through old photographs trying to find something you "remember" but can't describe-- still, you "KNOW IT" when you see it! You RECOGNIZE the "feeling" when it BECOMES visible. ...HOWEVER. Drawing MYSELF apparently turns out VERY, VERY DIFFERENTLY, depending on whether I'm trying to draw my SELF according to INTERNAL visuals-- which I HAVEN'T done in over 5 YEARS-- and trying to draw "my SELF" but IN THIS BODY??? Like, if someone told me to "draw a self-portrait ACCORDING TO your current physical appearance, with NO REFS," that would be IMPOSSIBLE AS "JUST A PHYSICAL REPRESENTATION" because I DON'T "KNOW HOW THIS BODY LOOKS"? and I'd draw it WITHOUT A FACE. I honestly CANNOT currently identify with it as it is. ...BUT. Like I said, IF the goal is to draw ME, as I "WOULD" look IN THIS BODY... well, that's what I tried to do, purely spontaneously, on Tuesday night. And the result was SHOCKING, for TWO REASONS: first, that the "shape & size" of the body CHANGED once I actively tried to "make it LOOK LIKE THIS BODY," as opposed to my "mental template" for how I "WANTED" it to look, or that I COULD "identify" with? But after I had drawn as much as I could "according to both muscle memory & visual memory," AND glancing dimly at our body's reflection in the window for a vague "ref," I went into the restroom and checked the mirror. IT STILL DIDN'T MATCH!!! Not only was our bodyshape NOTICEABLY different, but so was our FACE, and our general "grasp" of anatomical proportion-- which is fascinating, as it's working not from a solid "education" but from MY "EXPERIENCE," so THAT is skewed according to my OWN perception of THIS body's proportions, I would assume. But yeah-- EVEN THEN, in GENUINELY & HONESTLY & COMPASSIONATELY trying to draw "me in this body," there was MARKED DYSMORPHIA... and, yes, EVIDENT DYSPHORIA. The body is ALWAYS SEEN AS SEXLESS, with a masculine bias, and feminine "edges" but a "MALE FACE." It's fascinating. It's an OBVIOUS testament to my innate "gender identity"-- trying to shove it into EITHER binary box IS INACCURATE and DOOMED TO FAIL. ...which explains a LOT about WHY I've not BEEN able to "grasp a sense of self/ see myself as a person" since BEFORE CNC, because since THEN, I've been "forcing" myself into the binary, and it just NEVER WORKS. It's DISHONEST. It CAN'T "work" because it's driven by DENIAL!! I HAVE TO ACCEPT & ADMIT THAT. It's been consistent for virtually my ENTIRE LIFE, in one way or another. And when I drew that picture, "feeling" how I "felt" I WOULD look, in this body we now had... yes, I still saw the body as MUCH heftier than it ACTUALLY is, BUT EVEN THEN IT WASN'T "SCARY" BECAUSE IT WASN'T SEXUALIZED, in EITHER binary respect!!! It was INNOCENT & UNTOUCHED, even that big. And that honestly gives me SO MUCH HOPE. Thank You God for this revelation. Please continue to lead me on. ♥