dec 21 2015

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

...

our sense of time has been absolutely destroyed this month,

and i think the truest proof of that is that i just remembered that our 12th anniversary is tomorrow.

...

i think the best thing i can possibly say is that i smiled at that realization.

apparently a few years back, one of our cores couldn't feel anything? and they panicked over this date, they were freaking out because they didn't know who he was or who they themselves were or what any of it was about... not so this year.
not so this year, not at all.

i was just asked "how do you stay in tune." and i thought about that. i reached in and felt it, all glittering and glowing soft, and i wondered, exactly what fuels this light? how does this symphony keep ringing like handbells in a cathedral even when there's a hurricane outside? what turns the storm clouds to summer rain? what breaks through the darkness with all the quiet warmth of a candle? what is it, i wondered, what is this iridescence, what is this song really,

and it's just love. that's all it is.

perhaps that sounds cliched. i just have to giggle at that, i don't mind, let me be the biggest cliche in the book if that's the case; love is what makes our world go round and i'm glad for it. let me keep this planet turning then, with blood sweat and tears if i have to.
and that's what i feel when i say "love." i mean the swords in laurie's heart. i mean the teeth sunk into mine. i mean the depths that define chaos 0, i mean the golden buzzing burn that defines genesis, i mean the bite of the steam that circles my daughter's head like a halo.
my daughter, and i can even say that as easily as a songbird right now,
it's all about love. true love, complete love, compassionate wise brilliant love, the sort that will march through desert and deluge alike, the sort that is unconditional without force, the sort that embraces every soul as a friend, even if they don't act like one. the sort that sees that without effort, because what else could you possibly see?

i guess that's just what i'm built on. and i am so, so, so blessed to be part of this glorious system, this spectrum of love, where all of us shine like that in our own ways, brighter and brighter always, no matter how dim or dark we were before.


and tomorrow is our anniversary, and it's been twelve years,
god, that's almost half our life now. next year it will be.
...
i can't stop smiling. his anchor plush is over there on the nightstand and i see him every night now when i close my eyes and it's become a welcome sight upon sleeping to see that sudden green, that brilliant spring-leaf hue that i used to wish for with all my heart, and now it's there like coming home, every single night,
genesis accompanies me every time i go driving, xenophon still follows me to church every weekend, laurie wakes me up every morning, infinitii is always just a heartbeat away...

there's so much love in here from all of us for all of us and i'm so happy right now even if we're only going to get 4 hours of sleep and another jam-packed schedule tomorrow... ah well. at least we're alive. at least it's christmas, even if it's summer weather outside and the house is a bit addled. it's okay. a little extra care goes a long, long way, this i know.


but the tree is pink this year, JUST like it was in the Underground back in 2013, when Knife fell in love with the vibe of the season and decided to keep part of it down in their tunnels all year... it's pink, it's pink on white with little bits of all their hue on it and i didn't even decide this... flowers for knife, mirrors for ashen, fans for mulberry, angels for julie, crystals for sugar, and even the normal shiny baubles are making me think of jennifer, who's joining us now.
it's the month of rebirth, after all.
(there's even some red candy canes on it for razor's sake, gotta include her somehow)

i wonder about that. every december, magic happens, life returns somehow. we've been very dissociated this month, but...
we're still together, we're reaching more and more lost alters, they're learning now, learning respect and wonder and love, learning to care for themselves and believe they deserve something brighter and broader and better. we're healing addictions, we're being more forgiving, we're learning to trust and discern and be more selfless, we're just... doing so much better all around, even if we haven't noticed it sharply because it's all been tiny clear steps, adding up, and now we're so high up this staircase we can see the whole valley stretched out indigo and green below us.
intuition and compassion. isn't that fitting.
(those two have been as wonderful as ever too)


...today was confession, the big one before christmas. we went to my favorite church in town, saint john's, it was just as gorgeous as ever.
...
i thought about it all day. laurie and waldorf can tell you. we worried ourself sick over it. but we made up our mind.
and we confessed the thing we've wanted to for years and were always too afraid to,
and julie was sobbing, she couldn't stop saying thank you, she'd wanted to feel that specific absolution since she joined us, and we'd wanted it for longer... and we got it, through courage and compassion we got it.

i had the biggest feeling that december 21st was going to be important and there you go, it was.


i brought my camera. i took a photo of the church on the way home.

it captured the feeling of light and hope and warmth perfectly.




but tomorrow is 12 years. wow.
i love him, i do. i really do. i love him more than i can put into words but it feels like a snowfall now, just quietly glittering with the christmas lights, a sort of bliss that's overwhelming but serenely so, the kind that makes your heart want to burst just from smiling so wide. it's different from what jewel used to get, hers had so much more pain, and i can feel that but really it's so nice to have peace settled into this progress, the sort of peace that's there because you made it, because you flew over the whole ocean with this olive branch and by golly now that you're on solid ground it's going to become a forest of hope, a sanctuary of new life with a rainbow stretching endlessly overhead.

i'm getting poetic. i really need sleep. we need to deal with evenings more wisely, it's tough when you get home late and end up eating at 7pm because that alone will toss off your schedule. ah well. we'll do better tomorrow.


...i haven't had a legit heart connection in a few weeks because i'm so used to being with the daemons and uh, they're far more direct and ardent, in a teeth-to-the-ribs sort of way. they're very interesting and i love them.
but chaos 0 isn't slipping as much as he was before. he's very strongly holding on to who he is and i can see him all the time now, remember back in 2006 or 2007 when that jewel first started seeing him and she was overwhelmed with love, but it was so rare for her to have sight like that? and now it's constant. now whenever i turn my eyes inwards i can see everyone, everything, so clearly, effortlessly, all at once. i can trace their faces with my hands and i would except i become a trembling wreck of love and dissolve into dust from it. maybe i should. it'd be festive enough, if i'm the only snow we're going to see this week then so be it.


in any case it's late/early and i only meant to write three sentences here tonight but you know how it is.


good night everyone, i love you all.
see you tomorrow!