upset upset

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

Therapy today. Week 4 or so of the numbness, of the deadness.

 

We didn't think anyone would be able to come out. Life has essentially been at a dead stop since the Cannon event in December, with only Jewel's intermittent enthusiasm shining a light for all of us (thanks btw).
But, no, both Spice (w/ Emmett) and Sherlock came out in session today, to disclose more information than anyone else had previously had the guts to. We're moving forwards greatly thanks to them.
The things they are digging up are reacting in two different ways:
1. some of them are fading from relevance and pain immediately after they are acknowledged, but
2. others are showing that they have deep and tangled roots, and we are now wondering, "how in the world do we get that out of us??"

 

Here's a bullet list for personal relevance (TW for many things), so the rest of us are aware of what was brought up.

 

Childhood gender dysphoria (going as far back as age 3/4, which we previously deemed "irrelevant" for that reason),

Childhood religious abuse, including lost info the brothers have helped us find, such as staged exorcisms and other psychological fear tactics (this is healed personally but the scars it left are not),

Twisted mindsets as a result of the previous point, esp. b/w thinking, moral absolutes, abusive "holy" obligations, etc.,

Several overlooked "triggers" hidden in certain words and actions, thanks to previous abusive relationships that were (again) previously deemed "irrelevant" due to self-deprecation,

The indelible ties between eating disorders and sexual trauma, and how it affects many of those in our System (esp. Emmett and The Destroyer), and

The bizarre but lucid "muscle memories" from events that never physically occurred, thanks to Cannon's extensive and intensive trauma-inducing actions in 2008-2009

 

Our next session will be focusing on the last two points, as they have become chronically detrimental and are severely hindering our ability to care for both the body, and our inner world.
Sherlock also says, "bring his glasses next time," as well as his book, as they are strong anchors for him and keep him from being knocked out of fronting by trauma-anchored voices when he is discussing such points.

We also want to add, "bring up the 'new voices' if and when they become relevant," ESPECIALLY the Victorian Pink girl, as she is strongly tied to sexual abuse situations that the rest of us have not even been aware of until now.

Until then, everyone just be careful, and don't drown in the shadows. We've survived so far. We can continue to do so.



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@ 09:56 pm

 

meeresbande: Consent from one member of a multiple system does not imply consent from anyone else in that system!
This should be obvious, but in a rape culture like this, it isn’t. If there’s a switch, that means you have to negotiate consent anew with a new person – if at all appropriate.

 

YES, please for the love of sanity, REMEMBER THIS.
I don't care who you are in the System or WHY you're doing what you're doing, some of us REALLY CANNOT COPE WITH THOSE ACTIONS so please do NOT do those things, even a little bit, if we say no!!
And I know other people don't care anymore because they're too empty to hurt anymore, but I DON'T WANT TO GET LIKE THAT if you keep forcing me to live through your consequecnes!!
I know you think we're being mean and forbidding you from enjoying life but please, PLEASE, I have nightmaers about those things and I don't want that to keep happening anymore.
Don't force abuse. Don't be promiscuous. Don't endure terrible things because you think that makes you stronger. Please. Some of us can't handle it. I don't caer if that makes me weak and stupid. I want it to stop. I really want it to stop.
Please. Don't do it. Don't.

 

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@ 11:04 pm

 

 

i hate, hate, HATE how these "coping method" lists are pits full of triggers dear god this is terrible sorry

overstimulation. go figure. all the things they say will "help" have made it so much WORSE

1. weighted blankets. NO. PLEASE NO. the weight is trapped, please no trapped, underneath, suffocating. too much on top means cant run away, she pins you down, cant run. need no blanekts. run
2. shower in dark. NO!!!! the sight is nothing! they hide in the dark. they never stop shouting. in dark is dangerous, rape, hurt. naked. they will get you there, in the dark.
3. jacket in public. good. because hides body. but only wth short seeves. long sleeves are too much touch, never stop, bad
4. muscle strain. NO!! she likes that! NO! dont exercise when she is around pleaes god no. she used to hurt us after exrevise all the time, please no, dont ever strain muscles or get body worked up when she si around, it will only end in blood

why do people like heavy things and touching for overstimulation? does that hekpl/
no no DONT EVER FORCE US AGAIN STOP THINIKING WE HAVE TO DO THE SAME THING THEY DO STOP!!!!

cannon is bad. tell her stop getting us "used to tihngs"
did you hear?
dd you hear
jay didnt tell anyone
cannon used to watch p***ography when she was out because "maybe then ill be numb to it when it happens again"
but it made SO MANY BAD THINGS.
we got all this bad muscle memory and nightmares and flashbacks of not real things?? and then julie (the bad one) jumped onit, said hey lets try that, it got SO BAD but jay didnt TELL ANYONE until now, he said he didnt want to look at it, thought everyone else know

what else

why is so many other people bsessed with sexuality
we cant seem to run from it so bad.
infi says its not bad by itself ut pelase no we cant do it everplease.
please no.
we dont like it it hurts its scary its really not a good thing for us pelaes no stop.
infi sais hed never hurt us
we know thank you tahts good we know you are safe.
but other people are not. people otuslide are not.

oh trigger list
someone said, "write one," of things that are still big but forgot

1. the word "progress"
2. the color yellow
3. heartbeats (until further notice; jay is really sad about that one)
4. people touching the face with one hand
5. some comic on the internet, people cant read it anymore, get upset
6. anything tight around the neck
7.


the assault dreams are happening again
people doing bad things to the body and us barely escaping
they are the worst because its like were watching a horror movie and cants stop them. its all just about stalling them, trying to beg for time until we wake up or we end up somewhere different
we wish we could do that in waking life. we really do

tired. chest pain.
destroyer wants to throw out all food again. mad. doesnt want it, "sick, bad"
someone else says "no," sounds panicky, manic. "dont i have to bite it"
that person is sad, no care for self. no take care. doesnt clean up. treats self like animal. sick, frightened. sad.
destroyer says "no the food is bad. must be destroyed. makes sick. makes throw up. weight. vomit. no. destroy it."

oh we need to talk about that too.
eating disorders = sexual abuse?? why?
maybe cannon, jay says maybe, byt he gets real scared wont look at it.
sherlock might he has the books. he can look if we must
but
psychosomaicc featrs? is that the word? psychosomatic
not exactly happened, but lucid muscle memory and strong awareness of what it efels like regardless
maybe because of dissociation, nightmares, haks.
just because something didnt happen 100% literally does not mean it didnt happen
the worst, the worst were all "halucinations," were all spiritual or psychological reality, the worst.
victorian pink has lots of that feeling we think
not know where she is.
but
yes eating disorders. problem.
biting = the destroyer = wanting to tear things to pices with teeth. must get rid of . kill. hurt
when we try to ask about it people say NO NO and wont talk about.
did something bad happen there to the mouth
someone says no pelase no dont talk about
okay
okay. stomach bad too
too mcuch weight, too heavy, "parasite"
not belong there
"something inside wrong doesnt belong"
when eating.
but that is with julie we know. we know very much
that is why sex is so scaey for most
it is all, "this is wrong"
either with whay jay says "dyspohoria"
the body doesnt match doest fit doesnt work right
or,
somebody put something bad and scary in it
lots ofpain.
vicktorian pink says that. "ruined me." all about girl doing bad things.
not sure if to talk about.
maybe not tonight. sad. laurie is verysad.
she gets sad about this who knows that? i do i can see.
i am sad too laurie. that this happened to people. very sad. want to help.
what do we do, she says.
i dont know really. but we are okay now i think? at least right this instant now we are okay.
so that is good.

tired chest pain want to sleep maybe, one hour until jay needs to go to work.

our gatekeeper is bad we think, asking about that, what to do.

people in headspace-heartspace still missingmostly? feel seperate now. like need their own lives.
some still want to heklp. some gone. thats okay. we welcome help i will stay and help. i like to heklp
others gone, want to be seprate now, thats okay too.
bad voices still around
mean. bad. say bad things. make fun of. condemn. scary bad things they say.
not true! they are lying! i tell you tehy are lying, dont listen to them. they are bad.
dont listen to bad people.

okay done going to bed or letting someone else work
lots of stuff to read! music stuff. that is good.
we should maybe do msic more that was nice

okay bye <3