prismaticbleed | toss and turn

...My mom just found the Celebi plush I mutilated after the Tar chose it as a host (therefore making it 1000% unsafe), and she is actually guilt-tripping me for it.

I feel absolutely horrible; here she is telling me how violent and wasteful and inconsiderate I am for doing that, and mentally I'm reminding myself that that thing tried to kill me and I should have burned it this morning, I knew I should have, I'm so stupid.

I want to explain it to her, so she won't be so confused, but I feel bad that I can't without inevitably making her even more frustrated; she's put up with enough of our nonsense already.

Still, every time I try to defend myself, the reactions I receive make me feel as if it's a crime against the well-being of others. At this point I think I honestly believe it.

People keep touching me and I'm fighting off panic attacks and I just want to go to sleep.
Sorry for this mess of an update, I have no idea why I felt it needed to be posted, it'll likely be gone tomorrow.

Even so. I haven't updated in a few days, and I really shouldn't let gaps that big pile up (time moves fast you know)... so while I'm here, here's a recap. It'll take my mind off this situation in any case. I desperately need to untangle this mental state.

Wednesday was surgery, as you know. Thursday is an absolute blur. All I know is that I was in extreme pain and was trying to walk as much as possible just to keep myself from getting stiff and therefore more achy. Trying to crawl into my bed at the end of the day was one of the most excruciating things I've attempted. Friday was... I don't really remember Friday either? I think I spend about two hours reading Life of Pi, and I remember stopping to pray around 3PM, but that's all I know. I slept in until 1PM anyway, so. Falling back asleep was still an effort.
However, I do remember yesterday evening, which is why I feel forced to update.
Both yesterday and today I had SEVERE dissociative abusive meltdowns.
Yesterday was worse. Since I couldn't go to church thanks to my surgery recovery (it's hard to walk, let alone sit down and get up repeatedly), I took this as "proof" that I was an "irredeemable whore" and began to self-abuse in every way possible. Unfortunately, being Easter, there was a great deal of unsafe food around, which I promptly forced myself to eat. Now, here's a bit of info you may not know: when I eat sugary/starchy food (ESPECIALLY white flour in any form), there is a 50% chance that "the voices" will come back.
You know, the ones that sound like screams from hell.
It's terrifying. When they hit on Saturday evening, I ended up collapsing against a table, shaking violently and audibly begging for it to stop, all the while trying to ignore the shrieks and howls that were surrounding me. And then she appeared, dripping black with a murderer's smile, hovering by my shoulder and trying to hurt me again. I sputtered out a "leave me alone" when she tried to touch me, but the whimpers turned to desperate shouts when she kept trying. The sounds of damnation all around me wouldn't stop.
I got up and ran out of the room, but that's when my brain kicked into dissociation mode.
When I came back into stable consciousness, I was sitting on the hamper in the bathroom, both my legs dripping with blood.
I sighed. Not again.
Today wasn't much better, especially since the lack of knives was replaced by an excess of unsafe foods, leaving me so dizzy I couldn't stand, and so nauseous I almost vomited several times, never mind the staples in my stomach. I was shaking, my heart was racing, and I could barely see straight for most of the day. I became very violent, attacking my family members again, screaming slurs and profanity at anyone who came near me. The worst point was when we had to leave for dinner at my father's, and I found myself actually hyperventilating in the bathroom while trying to get dressed without pain, repeatedly telling myself "I don't want to go, please I don't want to go," but being unable to stop my physical actions. Then my mom told me to put on sweatpants (as my other pairs hurt too much to put on with my stitches/ swelling right now), and I swear to you, no sooner had I felt that horrible soft fabric against my legs than I tore them off, hysterically repeating "no" until I ran to the closet, where I curled up in the corner and sobbed hysterically for the next several minutes. I barely made it to my dad's, but at least I was able to calm down there.
I dissociatively binged on sugar when I got home though, which was deeply disturbing. I was actively begging myself to stop, once again on the verge of hysteria, knowing full well how ill I would get, but "I" kept eating, fully aware of it as well and not caring, because that "I" wasn't going to suffer; that "I" wanted me to suffer instead, and so the bingeing continued mercilessly. I'm still struggling to recover from that.
So you see why things have been rough lately.

However mom gave me $15 and Rise Of The Guardians today for Easter so I really can't complain. ♥

Oh, and I forgot that I can't eat gluten anymore, so yesterday I ended up sitting on the living room couch for hours, waiting for for the pain to fade and the room to stop spinning, while hugging my bro's Rarity plushie and listening to MIDICRONICA.
Life felt oddly good in those moments, haha.
I want to remember that. Even when I made a stupid decision and paid for it severely... there was still an inexplicably bright blessing, however little and simple, that happened as a direct result of it. I need to reflect on that.

Oh yeah... and there was a really beautiful bit of synchronicity when I woke up today, too. Let me write that down.
I was too sick and tired to get out of bed yet when I woke up around 10, so I hugged Chaos and put on my iPod to relax a little first. I had an instrumental piece on loop for a while, just letting my mind calm down, but my thoughts began drifting to less than positive situations: mostly my existence being invalidated, typical. Since I was half-asleep Chaos woke me up in the middle of this, telling me to stop thinking that way, it wasn't true. He then told me to focus on that, and to hit "shuffle" on the iPod, to prove it (we like communicating that way). I did, and ended up with "Someday Soon" by Doves, one of Genesis' favorite songs. He smirked a little, said "wrong person for right now, although it could work. Focus, and try once more."
And immediately, "Chaos" by Mute Math came up.
I smiled wider than I have in a long time, and hugged him on the verge of tears.

Last night "Blue Ocean Floor" came up on my Last.fm radio while I was trying to cope with depression. I've never heard the song before, but it hit its mark, hard.

Maybe I am going through hell right now, but I've made it out of here before.
And you know what? I'll make it out again, even if I don't believe it myself, because when you've got this many angels looking out for you... well, then heaven's never far away.

Frequency's so low
Heart on a string
A string that only plays solos
Rain made of echoes
Tidal wave rushing on and on

Under the water you scream so loud but the silence surrounds you
But I hear it loud and you fall in the deep and I'll always find you
If my red eyes don't see you anymore
And I can't hear you through the white noise

Just send your heartbeat
I'll go to the blue ocean floor
Where they'll find us no more
On that blue ocean floor