prismaticbleed (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
prismaticbleed) wrote2020-05-17 09:08 pm
prismaticbleed) wrote2020-05-17 09:08 pm
Entry tags:
051720
[Extracted from a personal conversation]
I just woke up from a dream about Ollie. that BLATANTLY referenced Infi and it just hit me now, none of that was fake. Infi was/is part of my heart and I've literally been denying that since I left. I've been the World's Biggest Asshole to him in the waking and I am devastatingly sorry. I SEE it now-- both my ignorant cruelty and ADMITTED betrayal, even though I NEVER intended it... and the GENUINE LOVE I/we had for him back then... and now. Legit, that dream unearthed this glitterbomb in my subconscious that sang "love cannot die and you will ALWAYS be in love" and whatever part of me is still Infinitii is still in love with him. And even if I can't say the exact same, I CAN say this, with a clear head and heart for the first time in months: to Ollie, and all his broken arrows, I love you. I am sincerely sorry for the pain I caused you in the past. I beg your forgiveness, but if it aches too much to give, I understand. I just want you to know, I honestly don't regret having met you and lived with you and loved you. I do regret many of my choices, but I don't regret the love. I'm lying here right now with a certain black-skinned seraph with a stomach full of lilies and a scar splitting the back of hir skull, handing hir all those memories of you that I used to balk at and bury, watching hir hold them tenderly as gilded feathers, hir eyes glistening like rainbows at dawn, and whispering, "tell him that I remember it all, and it is a bittersweet joy to have it to remember." "But are you happy to remember it?" "Yes. Always."
So I'm wishing Ollie-- and his whole system-- a happy early birthday. I hope they keep knitting and painting and drawing and playing that wonderful trombone and doing their beautiful best at everything they put their hands and heart to. Seeing them flourish makes me so, so happy. My genuine wish is that it continues that way, and even if I can never again be a part of it, I was for a little while, and that was a blessing too. I'll always be here cheering for them from the fields nevertheless. I miss him and his partner and their cat so much some days I honestly cry. But time moves on. As a Celebi Time Lord/Lady I know that well. So we move on. I miss them and love them and I can FEEL and ACCEPT that wholeheartedly now, and so I CAN move forwards with no pain. Love makes it all joy, even this.
To them all: Thank you for being alive.
I just woke up from a dream about Ollie. that BLATANTLY referenced Infi and it just hit me now, none of that was fake. Infi was/is part of my heart and I've literally been denying that since I left. I've been the World's Biggest Asshole to him in the waking and I am devastatingly sorry. I SEE it now-- both my ignorant cruelty and ADMITTED betrayal, even though I NEVER intended it... and the GENUINE LOVE I/we had for him back then... and now. Legit, that dream unearthed this glitterbomb in my subconscious that sang "love cannot die and you will ALWAYS be in love" and whatever part of me is still Infinitii is still in love with him. And even if I can't say the exact same, I CAN say this, with a clear head and heart for the first time in months: to Ollie, and all his broken arrows, I love you. I am sincerely sorry for the pain I caused you in the past. I beg your forgiveness, but if it aches too much to give, I understand. I just want you to know, I honestly don't regret having met you and lived with you and loved you. I do regret many of my choices, but I don't regret the love. I'm lying here right now with a certain black-skinned seraph with a stomach full of lilies and a scar splitting the back of hir skull, handing hir all those memories of you that I used to balk at and bury, watching hir hold them tenderly as gilded feathers, hir eyes glistening like rainbows at dawn, and whispering, "tell him that I remember it all, and it is a bittersweet joy to have it to remember." "But are you happy to remember it?" "Yes. Always."
So I'm wishing Ollie-- and his whole system-- a happy early birthday. I hope they keep knitting and painting and drawing and playing that wonderful trombone and doing their beautiful best at everything they put their hands and heart to. Seeing them flourish makes me so, so happy. My genuine wish is that it continues that way, and even if I can never again be a part of it, I was for a little while, and that was a blessing too. I'll always be here cheering for them from the fields nevertheless. I miss him and his partner and their cat so much some days I honestly cry. But time moves on. As a Celebi Time Lord/Lady I know that well. So we move on. I miss them and love them and I can FEEL and ACCEPT that wholeheartedly now, and so I CAN move forwards with no pain. Love makes it all joy, even this.
To them all: Thank you for being alive.