102524

[prismaticbleed]

They have "yacht rock" on the TV this morning (Bobby Coldwell atm) and I'm SHOCKED to realize that I'm STILL GETTING A FEAR RESPONSE to certain musical sounds like brass/ rhodes piano/ "island" music/ flutes/ etc. And ALL these sounds ALSO give "CHILDHOOD ATMOSPHERE FLASHBACKS," with the INEXPLICABLY CONCURRENT "EXISTENTIAL DREAD" that feels like "mom's bedroom at night" & "George Winston music" & "80s synths" etc. WTF HAPPENED TO/ IN OUR CHILDBRAIN THAT HARD ASSOCIATED THIS (now Spyro Gyra) GENRE OF MUSIC WITH FEAR?? It's the sense that "something scary is going to happen/ I'm IN IT NOW"?? I feel TRAPPED & LOST, like I "can't be safe/ go home/ rest" with this music on. So I WONDER. This is MOM'S MUSIC. Did she PLAY this music CONSISTENTLY at CERTAIN TIMES in which we felt that way? (BTW I got the guts to ASK TO STOP THE MUSIC as it WAS INCREASING THAT "SLOW PANIC" FEELING. That was very brave & wise of us. NOW we need to THINK ABOUT OUR FAVE TUNES to REPLACE the music data in our head-- MAKE A LIST TO REFER TO IN A PINCH & GIVE IT TO AUDREY ♥) I'm sure therapy/ MOM TALKS will reveal more of this, so bookmark it mentally for analysis & journaling later.

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AUDREY'S MINI-JUKEBOX for COPING SKILL ACCESS
(tunes we TRULY LOVE & can CALL TO MIND IN A PINCH/ CRISIS to INSPIRE POSITIVITY (LOVE!!))

1. BLACK LIGHT MACHINE by FROST*
2. SUPER SONIC RACING by RICHARD JACQUES
3. BEFORE by EMPIRE OF THE SUN
4. SHOW SOME RESPECT by SALLY ANN TRIPLETT
5. I'M A BETTER MAN by ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK
6. SONG OF THE ANCIENTS by KEIICHI OKABE
7. DIE WITH A SMILE by LADA GAGA & BRUNO MARS

(continue this!)

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✳ "IMPROVE" skills/ COOPERATIVE WILLINGNESS today: (meet challenges/ changes with OPENNESS/ CURIOUS WONDER, HOPEFUL GRATITUDE, COURAGEOUS OPTIMISM)
1) Staff woke me up LATE (7am) for meds. I had to RUSH shower/ hygiene. This gave me the OPPORTUNITY to PROVE that I CAN-- I STILL FINISHED BY ~720! I was grateful for the challenge to improve/ streamline my timing; I found that I CAN wash faster AND dry my hair faster too. AND it DIDN'T AFFECT MY MED EFFICIENCY; I kept thinking that taking them later than usual would "stop them working."
2) New patient girl ANGRY VIOLENT. I actually GENTLY BUT FIRMLY spoke up to guide her a little. Proved that I CAN be GENTLY ASSERTIVE, and SHE DIDN'T GET OFFENDED! I didn't get thrown off or disturbed either; I internally DECIDED to STAND MY GROUND AND HELP/ BEFRIEND HER if possible. I WILLED to meet her where she was.
3) Hall yoga. Childlike wonder at ground level perspective. Singing bowl & COLOR REALMS (pink/ indigo/ violet). Angel card of AUTHENTICITY. Focused on movements, letting go of trauma fear bit by bit with "hip openers" (felt ORANGE?). Entered entirely into the experience, trusting, no judgment, open to the beauty in it. Gentle with body's new limits, encouraging it still.
4) Breakfast alterations: minimal eggs, asked for a bit more cereal (brave!). Forgot syrup, so put CRANBERRIES & CREAM CHEESE on the pancakes! Let myself enjoy it. Too much brownsugar in the cereal made me a bit ill; now I know I can try LESS in the future/ NOT "compelled" to get it OR use every bit of what they give me. Also tried yogurt IN the hot cereal to emulate home plans. Let Leon eat the blueberries. Thanked God for the unexpected little joys.
5) LUNCH RUSH! But PROVED I CAN. Learning HOW to be MINDFUL in a HURRY; keep practicing this, & thank God for the opportunities! More delays/ edits; late juice, bread instead of bun, styrofoam box salad, no cheese. Accepted it all happily & with curious fluidity; "how interesting! how new!" Openness/ flexibility allowing for adventure & joy. And the unexpected uniqueness itself is to be treasured.
6) DINNER EDITS.The catfish was MASSIVE! And the nutritionist CANCELED the cottage cheese, which was actually SUCH A RELIEF because I would've had NO TIME TO EAT IT, AND IT SHOWED THAT IF I DO GO OVER EXCHANGES STUPIDLY, SHE WILL FIX IT. So I can RELAX and TRUST her judgment. I also learned that 2 DRESSINGS ARE TOO MANY in the salad! And I DIDN'T RUSH THE FISH. It was LOVELY.
7) I'm so frustrated & disappointed in myself over my weekend mealplan choices. I KEEP MAKING COMPULSIVE CHOICES. But here's what I must do: ENTER INTO THE CONSEQUENCES WILLINGLY, & SINCERELY/ WHOLEHEARTEDLY, TRUSTING THAT GOD WILL HELP ME IF I PLACE IT IN HIS WISE HANDS. Imagine it ALL GOING WELL. LEARN what works & what doesn't. RELAX INTO GRACE. STAY HOPEFUL. FOCUS. YOU CAN DO IT REGARDLESS, BY GRACE!! YOU SURVIVED PANERA BREAD, BRO. THIS IS A BREEZE. (OF THE HOLY SPIRIT!) Don't panic. Go kiss Anxi. You'll survive & God will use even this to help you grow in VIRTUE/ CHARACTER!

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✳ The eating disorder/ mental illness "WANTS TO BE SPECIAL" = "BETTER THAN/ SEPARATE FROM" = PRIDE
("CONTAMINATION FEAR" BLEEDING INTO SOCIAL RELATIONS??? "I CAN'T BE LIKE THEM" ("DANGEROUS" PEOPLE)

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✳ We NEED to ERR ON THE SIDE OF CAUTION because we're learning that apparently CAFETERIA PORTIONS WILL ALWAYS VARY (we didn't realize that huge portions are apparently "NORMAL" in the "real world"; we have NO EXPERIENCE with eating in public so it was a bad shock), so we MUST STOP DOUBLING SIDES AND ENTREES!!! Choose the SMALLEST VOLUME OPTIONS from now on, and DO NOT GO OVER EXCHANGES ANYMORE. This HURTS and it's SCARY. Our meals are NOT ENJOYABLE ANYMORE. They're OVERWHELMING & HEAVY & PAINFUL and I HAVE TO CHOKE THEM DOWN SO FAST and there's SO MUCH. This is WORSE than bingeing because it's FORCED & INESCAPABLE. I HAVE TO DO 100% AND I CANNOT SAY "NO" OR "THAT'S TOO MUCH, PLEASE STOP." ...it's abuse. I'm abusing MYSELF. God I NEED TO STOP. God PLEASE HELP. I'm begging You PLEASE get me safely to Tuesday so we can STOP THIS FOR GOOD.

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poem exercise/ challenge

"I AM A DANGEROUS PERSON"

driven to remove the backstabber's dagger,
deftly I manipulate the blade to prevent mindblowing bleed
and restore the whole.
would such a wound weep
if i were heartless?