091223

[prismaticbleed]

 
Foggy misty morning run to church.
Lessening survival terror causing HARD DISSOCIATION instead??

Did 40m prayer before tabernacle
Beautiful. We need this.

Farmers market stop, bought (too many) carrots

Jade shower
Mom call
Sobbing from stress & guilt. Ashamed of complaining.
Hitting self to cope with unbearable Contrition
Child absolution instinct

Shirley & Sirius talking during cleanup
Their acting as intercessors is HARMING THEIR ACTUAL ARCHIVIST JOBS.
Also agree that EVERYONE POST-CNC has become WAY TOO SOCIAL. We should NOT be joking around this much. We never "turned off" that programming.

Reminder: prayers & fronting. FEELING people there. Moves our heart entirely.

Daily devotional "offer self with Jesus" on altar, healing as a result of unity with The One Who IS Health, as it were. Requires total surrender, humble & sincere. Simpleheartedness. Staggering what miracles a childlike faith actually achieved.
Mimic commenting on the power of "peasant faith"; deeply impressed him. Referenced VOM night that changed his perspective.

Bible study giving us SEVERAL HUGE INSIGHTS for the League, THANK YOU GOD!!!!
I feel ALIVE when I'm in tune with the League, TRULY ALIVE.
I need to just start reading all of the notes in bulk to remember everything. Memory has been so mangled and missing over the past several years. Plus whoever was fronting in 2016 and 2019 or so screwed everything up, Remember they were trying to make everything culturally or socially or popularly acceptable, and killed the truth.  But everything that was in the very beginning when we were a child is completely true to this day. So review all of that and commit it to heart and go from there.

Got SO SICK from the farmers market carrots. Severe nausea, itchy skin, throat RAW from burning.
BUT THIS BIZARRELY TRIGGERED THE "CHALLENGE DEATH" COMPULSION???? Kept FORCING self to eat more because "they didn't kill me the first time when I thought they would; but I'm still scared of the ACTUAL CONSEQUENCES, so I MUST FORCE MORE EXPOSURE until 1) I DO die, 2) I am numb to the consequences, or 3) the pain stops." NO ALTERNATIVE OF SAYING "NO," YOU NOTICE!! IT'S EXPLICITLY SELFABUSIVE TRAUMA MIRRORING.
Stopped, tossed them all in a plastic bag, giving them to mom. No more of this.

No panic attack after dinner today. Thank God. BK was BAD. Staved it off with a rosary & cleaning house.
Remember the kitchen cello music, how it STILL "feels like home" somehow. Lynne holds that!! We NEED to explore it with her.
AMAZING Bible study today btw. We're learning SO MUCH. Prayers for understanding answered. Thanks Saint Chrysostom for your intercession I'm sure!
His feast day is TOMORROW so buckle up son, I pray we learn some deeply edifying spiritual truths as we continue our study of John

Night cleanup joking around
Genesis & fancyass coffee dates ("98.5% sugar, two coffee beans")
Jewel & Jay banter about ACORNS!
Broken glass breakfast cereal (phone trouble)

Also showing Laurie & Xenophon the demo heart glasses