UPMC journal 102422

[prismaticbleed]

THE "CHALLENGE" FORCING IS AN ADDICTION. I CAN'T STOP IT. It's LEGIT "CHASING A HIGH" FROM "FACING DANGER & SURVIVING." It's the SAME DAMN REASON WHY, with the binge/ purge cycles, we would FORCE OURSELF to eat "DANGEROUS" THINGS, INCLUDING OUR ALLERGIES, BECAUSE we could then we could then "throw it up" and say, "I CHEATED DEATH." And it's weirdly REBELLIOUS?? If someone TELLS us that something is a "safe option," OR implies that an action of ours is "too protective"-- even just our wearing a coat if it's "warm enough NOT to wear one"-- THAT MINDSET KICKS THE DOOR DOWN and screams, "MAN UP, YOU COWARD!!!" ...with MANY expletives added.
✳ I was talking to mom about this and IT'S A TRAUMA-PLACEHOLDER MECHANISM. We are SO USED to life being horrifying-- to the CONSTANT background scream of sexual abuse & an eating disorder & mental illness-- that when we are faced with ease & comfort, it feels WRONG. "Where's the risk? Where's the danger? Where's the challenge to conquer? Where's the battle to fight? Where's the dragon to slay?" And we LOOK FOR IT. Trauma had become our NORMAL, no matter how we hated it. It was still a FIGHT and damn it but we're FIGHTERS. Without struggle, we feel oddly incomplete. life feels off. we feel dishonest, even! But yeah, it IS STILL EXPLICITLY SELF-ABUSIVE, because it's the BULIMIA MINDSET FLIRTING WITH DEATH JUST SO WE CAN GET THE "HIGH" OF SURVIVING. of feeling "invincible." of feeling like we can WIN this battle, this war against what made us FEEL LIKE DYING. We face our fears with foolhardy brashness, daring ourself to "do it" to get it over with-- to face the threat of death and SURVIVE... and WIN. the OPPOSITE of trauma. every day for years. we're filling the void. this is so complicated, I apologize for the mess. I need to think it through more clearly before I keep writing. it's a desperate attempt to "prove we're strong," to prove we CAN suffer yet survive. but it ALWAYS SEEKS TO SUFFER. it defines a "CHALLENGE" as something DANGEROUS, RISKY, FRIGHTENING, AND/OR PAINFUL.
✳ "SAFETY IS COWARDLY"??? That seems to be a belief here. WHY. "Comfort is "EVIL"/ INDULGENT = SINFUL." Belief that UNLESS I'M SOMEHOW SUFFERING OR DEPRIVED OR STRUGGLING, I'm "doing something CONDEMNABLE." Ease is ALWAYS associated with SLOTH & IRRESPONSIBILITY & PRIDE??
✳ BEING "SAFE & COMFORTABLE" IN ABUSE SITUATIONS WOULD ONLY HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE BY OUTRIGHT REJECTING THE PEOPLE CAUSING THE TRAUMA, either by REFUSING THEIR CONTROL or by OUTRIGHT ESCAPING. The situation had to be STOPPED, or FLED FROM, and NEITHER WERE POSSIBLE; even worse, saying "NO" or "I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS" OR "I DON'T FEEL SAFE" would have been met with EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION; notably, "you're making me feel like an abuser!!" WELL YES THAT'S THE THING I WANT TO PREVENT! BUT then THEY'D "PLAY THE VICTIM" SO I'D BE THE PERSECUTOR AND THEN I'D IMMEDIATELY DEFAULT TO "RESCUER" AND END UP DOING WHAT THEY WANTED ANYWAY, TO MAKE THEM HAPPY, BECAUSE I LOVED THEM. but I'd never feel safe. and I learned to associate "softness" & "gentleness" with EXPLICIT TRAUMA. but yeah. so now I BEAT MYSELF UP for "being a coward" & "trying to feel safe & unthreatened" even a little because "YOU'RE HURTING SOMEONE WITH YOUR SELFISH STUBBORNNESS." instead, I "must face the challenge," which notably ALWAYS involves BEING SCARED, BECAUSE I'M AFRAID I'LL SUFFER DAMAGE. so the challenge is literally "grin and bear it." "PROVE you can FACE DEATH and SCRAPE THROUGH," EVEN if I DO GET HURT. I'm "still alive," and I didn't run away.