prismaticbleed | march 10 2016

So yesterday was both amazing and hellish.

The morning was fantastic. Work consisted of scrubbing down the windows of a GTO with steel wool until they shone, and then Jewel was so tired she went and parked outside the grocery store and just sat there, half-sleeping, for an hour in the sun.
The problems started when we finally went in to buy food; we knew what we needed, but apparently there were "blind obligatory buys" that paved the way to destruction later.
Nevertheless that all went over Jewel's head; that shopping trip is all but lost to her memory.
What she does recall is pulling the car into the driveway of the grandparent's old farmland-- which is still tragically unsettled legally-- getting out of the car, and running up the old fragmented driveway until it broke off into two wizened apple trees and a hill crest of sweet heavy hay-smelling grass.
Then she flung herself down in it like in the movies and just smiled up at the stark blue sky and 70 degree warmth, arms behind her head, existing for nothing but that moment.
It was bliss, it really was. None of us have ever done anything like that before-- heck, most of our downstairs-level people aren't capable of doing anything like that, let alone feeling like that-- so it was really memorable.
She shared the memory, by default, so we can all look at it and take comfort and joy in it and smile. (Memories are automatically supposed to be public; we frown on privacy, because when someone in the System needs to hide something, it's for malevolent or unwholesome purposes.)

…

That binge-eater was out again, immediately upon walking in the door. It's the same one, and frankly I'm not even going to bother trying to name it because we all want it DEAD AND GONE, to be brutally blunt.
She only comes out with people around, she dresses like a whore and prances around, she lives "for fun" and has NO thought for God at all and she NEEDS TO GO AWAY FOREVER.

She ate a whole bag of rice, a whole canister of raisins, half a jug of almond milk, half a cup of sugar, and a whole container of sriracha sauce, and then after gleefully pigging out on that bullshit, she noticed that the body was not happy. According to data, we were dizzy and lightheaded, shaking like a leaf in storm winds, and having some serious breathing trouble. So this girl reluctantly decided "well, time to vomit."
God had other plans. He's tired of her bullshit too.
Bit of backstory: the air up here gets very dry in the winter. Our hands crack, our lips crack, the whole shebang. On top of that, we've been very dehydrated due to fasting and purging, unfortunately, so that's making the cracking worse. Our hands are covered in split cuts and we wake up with sticky dry eyes and a bloody nose.
Well, this alter was not aware of any of that, living only for her hedonistic shameful revelry and sin.

So when she tried to vomit up one of the hardest substances in the world to purge, panic starting to set in as the body got sick with her in it, she got one hell of a shock.

What happened: the stress and overload and strain on the body reopened a nosebleed.
What she saw: the body felt like it was dying and when she vomited it all came out blood.

So there's a split-second traumatic memory snapshot of her hanging over the toilet in shock, our nose literally pouring out red and more of it streaming from her lips, and in the moment it took for her to assumedly stuff a tissue up our sinuses the only thought on her mind was "I'm dying."
So of course she switched out and our indigo-hue Jess person came out to crush themselves in despair.
BUT. Weirdly enough, miss binger didn't go away all the way, God knows why… so when someone started begging for mercy and forgiveness, SHE was emptily mouthing the words, not meaning them at all, wanting to go back to her sinful gluttony EVEN THEN.

So yeah. It was hell.

We ran to our room and wrote our second suicide note in ONE WEEK and then I know someone went out to hang clothes while sobbing and praying and feeling like it was all empty and not knowing who they were and meanwhile, meanwhile, there's the vaguest consciousness lingering in the background from US,
and we're facing our biggest fear head-on: that of the body dying and us not being in it.

"When the body dies, who lives? Who survives? Whose actions and demeanor are we being judged for?"

All those unanswered horrible questions slammed into us full force and… God it was existentially terrifying.

I have no idea what happened from then until like… 6pm. There was another eating failure by the depressed girl and "we" ended up sobbing uncontrollably for like 40 minutes as a result of that triggering the grandmother's exasperated almost-rage of "I don’t know what to do with you," "I'm very upset with you," etc. and thattriggering our childhood superfear of "if she hates you, you're worthless, you DESERVE to die and suffer, so stop even trying to be good because it will NEVER WORK."

etc etc etc.

I'm not going to feed that ugly thought process any more. All we can do is starve these downstairs hackers, which they ARE and which we NEED to refer to them as even if they are working with different vices.

I have to run to therapy immediately; gotta print this first though. (I'll add more later.) See you.