prismaticbleed | SELF-COMPASSION WORKBOOK: FORGIVENESS EXERCISE

What will move me closer to how I would like to live, or what is more in line with my personal values?

I value tender-heartedness, compassion, MERCY, sincerity, gentleness, kindness, courage, justice... my resistance to forgive is CLASHING with these. To be brave would be to FACE the truth of my pain. JUSTICE would be acknowledging it was wrong, BUT ALSO refusing to PERPETUATE pain?? I daresay TBAS suffered enough when I left. ... Honestly THAT is motive enough for compassion, if I'm seeking one. Don't filter out the TRUTH of THEIR experiences in this matter.
I want to live with a TENDER HEART, a BRAVE HEART, a GENTLE yet STRONG heart. Such a heart CAN'T HELP BUT FORGIVE, even the WORST pains. FOLLOW JESUS. THE CROSS IS A BLESSING; IT IS THE INSTRUMENT OF THE MOST POWERFUL LOVE POSSIBLE. IT'S GRACE.

Which path leads to more suffering?

Bitterness, regret, rage, despair... it does no good and CANNOT do any good. HOWEVER, EMOTIONS ARE SIGNPOSTS TO DEEPER THOUGHTS, so that suffering MUST BE LOOKED AT, NOT DENIED OR IGNORED, in order to heal! Forgiveness CANNOT HAPPEN IN TRUTH UNLESS YOU ADMIT THERE IS SOMETHING TO FORGIVE. Also... this thought "I deserve to suffer for what I did" shows that you need to forgive YOURSELF for the trauma, too.

What do I fear I may lose if I were to practice forgiveness? Is this fear justified?

I'm afraid I will lose "moral integrity"? Which is IMPOSSIBLE because JESUS FORGIVES!!! BUT actually I think it's because I WOULD "MAKE MYSELF THE ABUSER" if I forgave them? Because I LET THEM DO IT, because I LOVED THEM? and they said THAT WAS LOVE? and so it's HARD TO KNOW WHAT TO FORGIVE in EITHER of us. I destroyed myself and suffered such psychospiritual damage, in the attempt to love and be loved. But they had the wrong definition of love? If I forgive them, what do I do with the pain? the grief? the disgust? the despair and terror? If I forgive them, I fear that my real suffering will be invalidated?

Would my life be more fulfilling if I were able to relax vigilance about the past hurt or grievance?

YES!! I am SO TIRED of being haunted by the event(s). I WANT to let go and move on, IN COMPASSIONATE FREEDOM. Right now, it's wrecking me. I can't fully face the reality of what happened; I want to CRY & SCREAM & DIE, EVEN NOW, because the LOSS was THAT GUTTING. But I WANT TO BE WHOLE AGAIN. If I forgive, will I lose that chance? How do I come to terms with the WOUND?? CAN it ever stop hurting? SHOULD it, if the injury was SPIRITUAL? God, what do I do? HALF THE FAULT IS MINE. I'm struggling so much.

Am I holding onto my fear or anger for other reasons (e.g., secret desire for revenge)?

I want to scream, "IT WAS WRONG!! THAT WASN'T LOVE!! YOUR VIOLENCE AND LUST AND POSSESSIVENESS WERE NOT LOVE!!! HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THAT??" I WANT them to see that, THROUGH REVEALING THE WOUNDS IT INFLICTED??? But they DO KNOW, don't they? Haven't I said so? But they didn't believe me. They were PROUD of their "conquering me." They said I was making it all up, to "hide the truth" they alleged-- that I had "WANTED" it. God HOW DO I FORGIVE without somehow "making that true"??? IF I LET GO OF THE PAIN & ANGER, I HAVE NO "PROOF" THAT THEY ACTED ABUSIVELY. If I "let go," then it feels like I'm "ACCEPTING" their behavior. And I CAN'T. SHOULD I?? How do I "accept" without "embracing"?? BECAUSE THAT GOT ME RAPED LAST TIME.