072813

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

Quick notes for last night because I need to exercise and this battery is almost dead, uh-oh.

I went upstairs to talk to Eros and what do you know, the Sage-color guy was chilling on the main couch there with him, smoking away. He just casually waved "hi" when I showed up, it was great.
Eros kept blowing heart-shaped smoke rings too which was adorably hilarious.

Anyway I spoke to them both for a while and we clarified a LOT.
The biggest points were that he split off from me in late 2011, with the "red lights" night, but didn't "anchor" until 010412, with the infamous Greek research revelation.
And would you believe THAT is what ERADICATED ALL DOUBT about both his role AND mine in this?? Honestly dude, Sherlock and you spent three hours info-dumping that stuff to the mother earlier this month, IN the Parnassus context, don't tell me you forgot about that.
Eros is not tied to sex. HE'S NOT. Here, let me quote something at you from your own SI files.
"Black-winged Night/ Into the bosom of Erebus dark and deep/ Laid a wind-born egg, and as the seasons rolled/ Forth sprang Love, the longed-for, shining, with wings of/ gold."
LOVE WAS BORN FROM DARKNESS AND SHADOW. Which, in this context, translates perfectly into the fact that Love has been HIDDEN beneath the lies and twisted motivations of sexuality, which ARE NOT WHAT IT'S ABOUT ANYWAY.
On that note Eros kind of laughed when I mentioned that he was "saying the same things 'that voice' was telling me yesterday," and he said "yeah, I spoke to it." I was like "what" and he coyly responded that whoever that "voice" was, it asked him about that sort of thing whenever it needed clarification too, as Eros was the main guy for this stuff upstairs. Go figure!
Anyway the main points were:
-Whenever confusion from the abuse comes up, remember that when you break it down to its simplest form, sex is a method of reproduction. That's IT. It is the way to create physical life. And THAT is the big thing here; it's a creative process, and its neutral! I made a face and said but you can create things without sex, especially in other worlds, and what about test tube babies and all that? Eros said that was legit life too, yeah, but I had to realize that sex existed here because that was the default way creation could work biologically here. Yes there was asexual reproduction, but that wasn't possible for all species.
-Then he elaborated on what HE stood for. He said that, especially for humans, sexuality was confusing because it could easily be misidentified with very dark and very bright things. You could use it to control and manipulate and abuse, OR you could use it to express devotion and love and closeness, OR you could use it simply to have children, which was its MAIN PURPOSE and therefore INSEPARABLE from the other two!! And THAT IS WHY EROS ACTUALLY DOESN'T DEAL WITH THAT. He has nothing to do with reproduction. He was actually born from sensuality, the brighter side of all that, which DOES NOT need sex to exist!!
-He also pointed out that he and I were oddly linked in that way. Since I'm born from innocence, I can't feel what he does, BUT I can get surprisingly close. We were comparing our reactions to general things: first I jokingly brought up fireflies, said how I thought they were totally fascinating to look at, but reminded Eros of that one hilarious incident with the firefly on the window (Sage-guy cracked up at this, said that was brilliant). Then of course we mentioned the sky, referencing my Tumblr post last night as well (Sorry I'm not elaborating; there is no way to put this convo into words). But then Eros asked me, "how do you feel about the rain?" And my immediate reaction to that is this utterly inexpressible feeling, but it's almost always accompanied by a sort of reaching out, and clenching my fists like I'm desperately trying to hold onto it. Eros said "that's almost exactly what I feel about everything." It's not sexual, it's this completely non-sexual but deeply sensual need to be part of everything. That's what it all boiled down to for him.
-BODY ENERGY POINTS. THAT WAS HUGE. He pointed out that for humans, sex is focused in the "lower colors," physically and symbolically-- in red and orange, raw life and community bonds. So for us, sex in and of itself is a basic survival/creative process. BUT THAT'S WHERE UPSTAIRS GETS CONFUSED, AND WHERE I KEEP GETTING ABUSE FLASHBACKS. Since I'm still stuck in a human body, it keeps trying to translate ANYTHING that's even vaguely similar to human sexuality INTO those two drive banks. WHICH ISN'T CORRECT, that's just all it knows to do. But that's a problem because of all the interspecies relationships up here, who work COMPLETELY DIFFERENTLY. Parnassians and Jewel Monsters both work through the heart and forehead areas-- TOTALLY different from humans-- but for them those connections, those links, AREN'T REPRODUCTIVE!! Their essential PURPOSE is different. So when I'm with Genesis it's confusing as heck because we're BOTH trying to do something entirely different than what our biology is misinterpreting it as. See? I then asked about Laurie, she doesn't even touch me, BUT whenever she gets close it's always forehead contact? Eros said yeah, since she was basically the embodiment of chastity up here (and he said he COULD NOT even get near her; her energy field actually repelled his so not to worry about any "mixups" there), connections for her weren't physical at ALL. That's the summary of it, I don't need to write it all down, everything makes so much more sense now.
-He also said that he "felt really bad" that HE kept getting triggered whenever I tried to get close to the people I loved anymore, because emotions were so compartmentalized now, I was "incompatible" with that sort of closeness. And he said he was fine just experiencing that, but he "couldn't ever love them like I did" and he felt that wasn't fair to any of us. I said I knew that, but I couldn't deal with the translation issues anymore. Eros then pointed out something I had completely forgotten about, thanks to the desensitization and "Pink" brainwashing-- I didn't need to have those sorts of connections. EVER. Just because I was the main person in the human body DID NOT MEAN that I was obligated to do that sort of thing, no matter what society and religion said. And I was convinced that I did, on some level, because of their harsh and ubiquitous demands. But Eros made it very clear that I have never and would never owe that to anyone. Then he reminded me that if I did want to be close to the ones I love, to do that based on WHAT I FELT, not what I felt I HAD to feel according to someone else. My innocence core was not incompatible with closeness, even if I thought it was.
-THAT'S when he reminded me of the color overlays!! Since I'm White now, I can TAKE ON the aspects of ANY other Spectrum slot, as long as they don't change my eye color (and if my hair stays white that helps immensely too). Remember Javier and I figured that out back on July 2nd? It still works! So if I just take on Red color aspects, I can tap into that energy WITHOUT losing sight of who I am, and what I really want and need. Eros did tell me to be EXTREMELY careful though; because of my color I was VERY easily manipulated, so I had to stay very conscious of myself when fronting or I WOULD slip away.
-There was some point when Eros was talking to the Sage-guy about the differences between Black and White energy as he understood them, in this context? He said that Black could be part of every color, but it would always stay itself. But White could only be one at a time, and it would be "one" with that singular color. Sage-guy laughed, "isn't that a little ironic?" It made perfect sense in-context but now that I'm trying to "think about it" it doesn't, haha. Internally it does!

So yeah a LOT was clarified. I still don't know what to do though, because it "doesn't feel right" to try and fix relationships right now. All my outside sources keep saying "go with the flow" as far as daily energy goes right now, and today feels like more of an outside day in general? Hence the exercise I need to do right now, haha. No more computer after this update today... well, unless later tonight I want to do some more Subeta avatar stuff.
Speaking of!! Eros keeps SWITCHING color?? Like normally he's this vaguely pinkish Red, wings and all, but there was this one time he turned GOLD? Like a champagne color gold almost. So I asked him about this, in light of the cosmogony he was named after, was that legit? And he said NO? It was just an overlay of that, he wasn't the actual Greek "god" obviously, but he could "tap into" that archetypal concept momentarily? I'm not entirely sure, it was odd. But bottom line is, yes his core color is in the Red spectrum, so don't worry. (If it WERE Yellow he'd have an entirely different role, of course!)

Also. Eros knows Sugar wants to kill him, and we both discussed that, ending with my now being very convinced that that was not a good idea! Eros DOES NOT stand for sexuality, that is still anchored to PINK, so Sugar is obviously getting overly paranoid and confused and attacking the wrong color slot... probably because no one up here is tied to sexual abuse anymore. Jeremiah holds the fear of it but he's no threat, Knife has this vibe of absolute sterility, Mulberry has the power side of it, and Julie... well, no one's sure about Julie yet, but she sure as heaven isn't abusive anymore!
The people Sugar really wants to murder don't have colors, and God only knows where they are... I sure don't want to find out!

Anyway it was a really enlightening conversation, note to self TALK TO HIM whenever you get overloaded with confusion on this topic.
And DON'T try to "think about" or intellectualize what you spoke about! You did that yesterday and poof, guess who's not driving anymore, that's right, you. See I don't work on the mind level, I'm a heartvoice, and 99% of what I "know" can't translate into written language or thought. So don't try, dude, just write down little reminders like this so you know what to tap into when you need the info. That's all!

Now I really need to get off this computer (laptops are hurting my brain today) so I will see you some other time.

 

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@ 11:08 pm

 

 

 

"You don't have DID, you don't get memory loss" my butt.
I was just throwing up in the bathroom (nice job, how'd THAT happen) and now I'm at my laptop and the battery is almost dead and it's 11PM.
WHAT EVEN.

 

I'm vaguely aware that stuff happened but my brain is all "no way dude, that is NOT yours, you DO NOT touch those memories." Okay, cool, if they're that bad I don't want them anyway.

 

Seriously this is so weird. I need to start writing down when this happens from now on, I lose too much time nowadays. How is it Sunday already?

 

Geez. I'm too tired. Whenever time slips like this happen, reality makes so little sense I just want to go to sleep.
Thank God it's late enough to do that without raising eyebrows, haha.

 

Buh-bye~ ♥