prismaticbleed | a slow return.

I'm wondering if I should start posting these smaller updates on my Tumblr from now on... we'll see.
As for tonight, I'll stay here, as I don't have much time but I ought to say something.

I'm still struggling to figure out who the people downstairs are, what their roles are, etc. We're making slow but steady progress, though, and the books are helping. I'm in the process of writing lists to try and "pinpoint" which mindsets/ actions/ etc. belong to whom, as that will make this entire thing easier for everyone.
A few things we discovered today: one, the Autopilot is the one who eats, because that's an "automated" action. This is a problem, but Laurie found out that if she gives the Autopilot strict orders, it will listen to her, which is good. Second, the voice we've been calling "Jess" MIGHT NOT be the "real Jess." That name is a bit of a battlezone, as it's the most easily triggered and belongs to the body, so dark voices like to try and take control of it. However, after today, I have some suspicions as to who it really belongs to. On that note, point three is that I'm beginning to more clearly differentiate the different "teenage identities" that the core cycled through until headspace actually manifested. That's been a huge project of mine for quite some time now, and it's tiring, but worth it. The fourth and last point is that MANY of us are "context locked;" some of us only come out in private, others only come out in public, others can only come out through typing or writing, not speech... it's intriguing.
I should also mention briefly that there are several new theories swimming around about headspace in general... the Spectrum only applies to headvoices, we think, but there may be as many as three "alternate Spectrums" for different "levels" of headspace? We'll see. I'm not saying anything for sure yet, just watching for signs and being prudent.

I haven't fronted in a long time, actually. I know I was here to write an entry recently, but besides that I honestly have no idea when I last "drove." It's disorienting, as I don't like this feeling of being stuck as a nighttime fronter. I'd like to guide the body during the day, instead of having the steering wheel constantly shuffled between the scared and frantic downstairs voices. Ah well. I'll deal with it for now.

That's actually why I'm here updating for a moment. I was backing up old homefive entries and listening to my tiny music library on this laptop on shuffle, when suddenly MIKA's new album comes on. For a moment it didn't do anything unusual, but then I noticed how the icon on that journal is Genesis' face, and Mika sounds almost exactly like him when he sings. And then the shocks started.
...Honestly? I cannot remember the last time I got heartshocks like that, the little lightning bolts through my skin. I've been so emotionally deadened from all this multiplicity overload, my memory is a mess... and then out of the blue, here comes that feeling again, the one that reminds me of late nights and early mornings and amber-eyed promises.
The last time I fronted (when?) I got that with Chaos, too... complete clarity, absolute love.
Yesterday was Ryou's 10th anniversary as a System member, and I feel awful that yesterday we were all such a mess downstairs that we couldn't do anything for it. I'll have to make it up to him, as soon as possible.
But... seriously, feeling that for Genesis reminded me of 020112, so strongly. For a moment, I was shocked that we had experienced something so honest together, something that would scare the wits out of several others downstairs. I remembered spending July 7th with Chaos, and seeing his eyes for the first time on our 6th anniversary. And it hit me that there really was something beautiful and deep there, even if I hadn't seen or felt it in months. It was right there, in those sparks.
For the first time in what felt like a century, I remembered what it was to love.

I do know one thing for sure... we need space, and we need silence.
I was reflecting on the past 12 months today, and was shocked to feel a jagged, crushing rift in the timeline not from this February, but from LAST spring. I remember the events of those early months so clear, as if they had just occurred, but somewhere after Easter things just... stop. Memories disappear for me entirely. I look back, and there is nothing, nothing besides a few snapshot memories from SLC... that one afternoon with Chaos in the living room, when it rained... showing him the roses on the road the day before I flew home... watching the red sun sink beneath the mountains together. I'm disturbed, though, that many memories I have from SLC feel "secondhand," where I'm only aware of them because I read the entries that were written about them. That's something else I need to do, is categorize memories... but that's a topic for another day.
The point is, when I look back on my personal, deep recollections, things stopped when summer began last year. I have NO recollection of most of the year after Easter, as I said. So now that I'm suddenly feeling my roots again, it's disorienting. Where did the past 12 months go? I don't know.
We went through this before, I know, with school. Our lives were put on "pause" for far too long. I don't want that happening again, ever, not for a third time. If there's one thing I know for sure, from both experience and research, it's that suppressing and denying the existence of our System does nothing but cause the Tar underground to boil over, infecting everything, until one day it bleeds through even steel denial and we have no choice but to completely withdraw from the world and fix it, or die.
Like I said, I don't want that ever happening again.

We still have no reliable Internet access and honestly I'm tired of computers. The System is trying to "rewire" me to be the author of Dream World, as we cannot find whoever was typing it back in 2001, and can't waste any more time searching. I'm praying that it works.
All I know is that Preludove approached me during mass on Saturday, breaking through the downstairs fronter's wall of ignorance to take my hands and remind me that she was always there for me, if I would only ask for her. "I dream too, remember?"
So there's hope. There's always hope. (I wonder if I should talk to Eevengile next, haha.)

That's all I can say for tonight, though. If I stay up late to try and talk, the grandmother gets angry, and starts triggering all sorts of negative alters downstairs. I've been holding them off so far, but I don't want to gamble with that, especially not after last night-- whatever poor kid was around couldn't fall asleep until 4AM because he was so frightened of sharing a room. We actually had a young female alter pass out on Saturday just from being in the same room as the grandmother, a shocking and distressing event that we weren't even aware could happen.
There are many, many memories and fears that have been buried, this I know. When we're ready, we'll start unearthing them. Until then, we just need to get the family upstairs back together, so to speak. Like I said, it's been too long since I've been around, and without the Spectrum in working order, everything is a shambles.

I'm off to work for tonight, then. Love and light to all of you-- I have plenty to give, after all.