prismaticbleed

I'm just dropping by to say a few things:

1. The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity downstairs. I'm going through a lot of psychological/ emotional/ etc. purging and healing so it's very draining. That is the very, very short version, haha. Really it's been staggering.
2. I haven't been 'home' in a long time. The most I talk to my upstairs group is right before I fall asleep, just to say goodnight, and that isn't enough. Xenophon's birthday was yesterday so I spent the day with her (and it was beautiful) but that's the most I've seen of anyone since February. That hurts, and it's also unsettling, because I know I need them in my life even with this personal focus, maybe even more than ever. Most notably, Chaos Zero is still this incredible point of light and love and not being around him feels like there's a hole in my heart, like there's a piece missing in the puzzle and I can't tell what the full picture is without it. Ryman and Markus are also still trying to stick around but ironically I haven't been around to see them. This weekend, when I can stop worrying about school for three days, I'm going to spend almost all my time at home. I need to.
3. I'm under a ton of stress from school and from dealing with this shift (I'm trying to stay centered but these are rough waters), and I unfortunately had a bit of a meltdown today (no hacks though! we haven't had any since january i think) that was bad enough to get Spine, Laurie, and my boss upstairs desperately trying to talk sense into me (and slap me around a bit, in Laurie's case). My "floating voice" guides-- good ones for a change, who I hear when I'm not tuned in to headspace, and only then-- were trying to help me out as usual but I was too disconnected and distraught to listen, which was my fault here. I suppose I should have expected this sort of situation to be dug up and dealt with soon, and here it is at last. Now I need to make sure I remember this lesson. I feel like Finnegan Firewing here, and some part of me still hasn't let go of the old addiction to the pain I get from my battle scars. I know, without a doubt, that is my next lesson to learn. I am being a fool. I need to let go before I can fly freely.
4. Laurie has told me that we're hosting a Xanga whenever possible (my schedule is packed until next week), to talk about whatever comes up. As I said, I've been away from home and that is only causing more trouble.
5. Be not afraid, I keep hearing that. Don't be scared. Everything will work out for all good. But fear keeps sneaking up behind me, just like he does in Dream World, and that's another reason why I NEED-- not want, but absolutely need-- to write that story ASAP. Every lesson I find is reflected there. Don't be afraid. Love has finally manifested in this world, and it is time for the times to change, but there's still a little more preparation to be done... still, no matter how dark it may seem to get, no matter how lost you may feel, love is here. Love is alive, and love conquers all. The Light will shine forever.

I am so tired, I need to sleep, but this speech isn't anywhere near done and I have to present it tomorrow... I don't want to fail so I can't just say "sorry but I've been dealing with a lot of spiritual stress lately and I'm not good at time management so I have no speech to give." I have to get something down, at least.

I just need to calm down. Breathe, dude, just breathe. It'll be fine. It's not worth worrying about in the big picture. You're going to look back on this and laugh, so why not start smiling now?

I'll update again whenever I'm able to.
Much love until then.

031412