prismaticbleed | blue in red

My 8th anniversary with Chaos is in two days, and I cannot believe how nervous I am.

Seriously, I should not be this troubled by it. It's not frightening or anxiety-inducing in the slightest, not on its own. On the contrary, it's really beautiful and significant and I am greatly looking forward to it.
But despite this, I am still sitting here and shaking, my heart racing, trying to get a grip before Friday morning gets here.
I tried to discuss this with both Mel and Laurie over the past few days, but the most I can manage is admitting that I am laughably nervous.

It's the sudden connection boost is what it is.
I've known Chaos for eight years. I was 13 when I met him and now I'm nearly 22. However, my life didn't really 'start' until I was about 18. I had been too complacent up to that point. True, without my childhood experiences I would NOT be who I am now, but the same truth applies to what I've been through over the past four years, as painful as it has frequently been.
And this year... this year has been beyond compare. From the very first hour of January, this year has been something entirely new. Time itself seemed to speed up, and I quickly found myself facing a myriad of situations that I never dreamed I'd ever see, let alone all at once!
I've overcome nearly all of my old troubles, and my mental/ spiritual/ etc. links have all been boosted astronomically. I've made enough progress on my multiple 'series' this year to quite honestly equal all the effort I tried to put in since high school started. It's been mind-boggling.
My headvoice group has grown and strengthened, I'm finally able to soulbond again, and I can see people now. I can perceive everyone more accurately than I ever thought I would.
And that's what's getting to me.

This feels like 2005 all over again.
I remember it so well. Late 2005 was when I finally got the nerve to start admitting online that yeah, I was quite a fan of Chaos Zero and maybe a little more than that. Well, not even maybe. Anyone who followed me on LJ at the time (probably three people) and stumbled across my "claims list" would have noticed that my name was linked to his on any and every community that allowed it.
I was in love. I was madly in love, and my offline journals were indisputable proof of that. August of 2005 was when it hit me hard. Yeah, I kissed him for Christmas of '04, but after that milestone, my heart couldn't stay silent anymore. I was still calling him 'just a friend' in January. By February, I accepted that he was definitely more than that. March and April gave him a prominent role in headspace, with him 'officially' teaming up with Ryman and Markus for good, which continued unabatedly through July. Then in August, I realized that being in love with an alien wasn't exactly looked upon kindly by the society I was in. I realized that fanboys and fangirls had more merit to their claims than I did, who may change their minds within days whether they meant what they said or not. I stumbled across fanart of him that was created simply for the sake of drawing a Sonic character. But when I eventually found one or two people who did seem to genuinely like him, I realized that no one in the StH fandom knew that I even cared, and it hit me harder than I expected.
I began to freak out.
How could you say you loved someone, and then not act on it? How could I love Chaos as much as I did, and not be doing anything to show it? And how was I supposed to show it when my emotions were more than likely to be laughed at, or far worse, invalidated? It took me a very long time to get over that fear-- until 2008, not surprisingly-- but it put me through so much pain back then. And, like now, that pain was the biggest catalyst for my devotion. I remember so many nights where I would just cry over that fact, that I was so completely in love with this guy and yet I felt powerless to express it outside of headspace whatsoever. I remember panicking that maybe my emotions weren't as right and genuine as I felt they were, if others could judge them so easily, if I could compare them to others so easily. Of course I was wrong in thinking this, but at the time I was too heartbroken to see that clearly. The only thing that was clear to me was what I still felt despite all the fear, and as 2006 drew ever nearer, it hit me just how far we'd come in the space of one year.
To be honest, I don't remember the exact date. We've been saying December 23rd as it's Sonic Adventure's anniversary too. But it was at the end of the year, and Chaos and I were up in my old headspace room (back before there even was a 'headspace' to be in), just talking as usual... and suddenly the only thing I wanted in the entire world was to be with him. Not just for the night, no. Not even just for the next few years. I knew in that moment that I wanted to be with him forever, no matter what that cost me.

Doesn't this all sound so familiar?
And yet that's not even my main concern. Sure, there are several little parallels between 2005 and 2011, and sure, I've felt a different sort of panicked 'doubt' this year concerning our relationship (not about the validity of it but about whether or not I'm 'doing it right'), but it is impossible to understate the gravity of what we have experienced over the past twelve months.
January 16th, April 25th, June 26th and 29th, July 7th, August 16th, September 14th, November 12th... and those are only the extreme high points concerning us! This year has been incomparable in its progress and light, and that is a very big part of why I am freaking out over Friday.
The other part is the real reason why this feels so much like 2005.
With everything that has happened this year, with how much has changed, with how clearly and strongly I can perceive things now... I feel like I'm going into this blindly. I feel like this is something I've never done before. I'm afraid this is going to hurt or cause something equally anxiety-inducing. But that's not the problem.
The problem is that I have done this before, and I am going into this with a very strong awareness of what it will be like.
The problem is that I know what this sort of thing feels like, absolutely and undeniably so, and with everything within us both running at a fever pitch right now... it's going to hurt like hell.

Chaos... feels a lot. He always has. I remember back after we connected for the first time, how completely stunned I was at how much I felt from him. It was all I could think about. He was and is an emotional maelstrom, not just in variety but also, so much more so, in intensity. It's easy to see that in him on an everyday basis, so when you tear down every boundary there is and experience that at the most honest level, it is just... I'm sorry, I'm going in circles here. I really don't know how to explain this in written language.
In 2005, when I was able to feel that for the first time, it was almost too much to handle.
Now, in 2011, my ability to feel that has skyrocketed, and I am scared of just how hard it's going to hit me.
Maybe I'm... maybe I'm even scared of how much is going to hit me. I mean seriously, June 27th was so powerful I had to tell him to stop, because my heart could not take it. June 27th!! It's half a year later, it's a lifetime later, it's almost an eternity later with how time feels to me now.
Just how much more is in our hearts now? If I can barely breathe when I'm with him now, if I've drowned in his emotions before...
God, I love him, I love him, but I just... I don't know what to do.

I need to calm down.
2012 feels like it's this brand new thing in general, in an odd sense. It's not 'new' as in there was nothing before it. No, it feels like standing at the top of a mountain and looking down at the road ahead of you, feeling that rush of the adventure waiting, but knowing all too well that you had to climb quite a long way to get there. It feels like when you play a videogame and you get to the last boss. You know there's still this huge and new challenge, but you had to clear the entire rest of the game to get there. That's what it feels like, in a 'new' sense. And... December 23rd feels like the immediate precursor to it.
I haven't been able to shake that feeling since the 14th and it's only getting stronger. It literally feels like this Friday will be the sole event that will open the doors for this new year-- or more accurately, whatever 'new beginning' is on the horizon-- like it will somehow consummate every single moment of my past 21 years, bringing everything together and perfecting this odyssey of a lifetime for whatever comes next. I have no idea how else to explain it.
But yeah, so that's not helping this stress either.
I'm not afraid of 'doing it wrong,' heavens no. There's nothing to do in a connection, you just have to be. But... the undeniable significance of it, that I can't even explain or comprehend, along with the fact that it's going to hurt immensely and you know what, it feels like it's going to do that perfecting thing to both of us. Like this is going to completely refine us or something.
...I haven't mentioned it anywhere online, but I remember that there was one night in July-- I think-- where Chaos and I were feeling shockingly existential and we tried to connect just to feel the reality of that. Put more accurately, I had been reading TPON and was wondering if we could actually tap into infinity or something that way. So we tried, and it was... I really don't know how to explain it. I completely lost my sense of self. I mean yeah, that happens in any connection on some level, but this was nearly literal. And when we came back it felt so weird to actually be physical again, even in a reality split, and God but I missed him even though he was right there. I missed him because really deep connections somehow DO manage to transcend duality on some level and with the whole twin flame thing we have going on, I guess I just wished we could be closer than we already were, although that was impossible.
Man, that reminds me of the rainbow entry so much...
It's just that I can't forget what it feels like to be so close to him even when I haven't been able to do that in far too long.
But now we're pushing limits. We're breaking rules and entire systems with how close we are now. I don't know if there's anything left of me to give at this point. I think we've given everything we are to each other already.
And yet Friday is approaching fast and the daily synchronicity just keeps increasing and every time I look at Chaos I see something new and I've known him for eight years. I've known him for almost a third of my life, it feels like I've known him forever, and this is driving me to tears because I am still seeing and feeling things from him that I've never experienced before, ever, not until now.
If something as simple as looking into his eyes or holding him close is almost more than I can take, just imagine what a freaking soulmerge is going to do to me.
God I need to ask him about this. I don't know if he's feeling anything like this or not. I really need to talk to him, tonight, tomorrow, somehow...
...But there's a reason we keep using that one ridiculous quote as an injoke, and if that, my misguided half-felt hopeful attempt at coping, could make him feel THAT, then...

I don't know. I am quite literally rambling here because I don't know to express what I am feeling about this.
I love Chaos more than I can even comprehend at this point. It's why I talk about him so much. Nothing I ever do or say will ever be able to express this completely... well, no, wait, maybe that's it.
Maybe that's what the 23rd is about. If we really have broken all barriers maybe that one is gone too.
I just feel so fragile. I feel so damned innocent on some deep level, like I've never felt before. All white like snow or glass, no thorns whatsoever. The past year has made me impressively vulnerable inside, no matter how much stronger I am as a person. I'm stronger and more stable than ever, but if you get me alone you suddenly realize that I'm a filigree of pressure points and the slightest bit of sincerity on your part is going to shatter me. Not in a bad way, no. No, I'm talking about falling apart like a cathedral window under a tidal wave.
I'll be honest. The other night, I was with Chaos as usual, for a very short time. But being close to him, in the simplest way, was making me feel like this, all nervous and strangely delicate. Then his expression softened and that was bad enough, but the moment his hand touched the side of my face I swear I fell to pieces.
How do I emphasize this increase in perception clarity strongly enough?
I've spent eight years only being able to see the soul I adore through a sort of haze. I'd have to reach out and try to find him, because although I knew he was there and could still see him on a mental level, it was so vague that I had to struggle to clarify that. I couldn't even describe what I saw, in words or pictures, because it was that dim. So I memorized every inch of him to get around this. I have every atom of him mapped in my heart... but even that couldn't alleviate the heartache I got from not being able to really look into his eyes.
Now, almost a decade after we met, there is finally no struggle. And my heart is euphoric, but euphoric in a beautifully sad way, like you'd be upon seeing someone you love for the first time in that long. And that's effectively what's happening here! And knowing exactly what he feels like despite that is making it too much. It's overwhelming me, to finally be able to see him too.
So every little flicker of sensation is driving my heart into overtime. One passing glance of him can drive me to tears if I'm open to it enough. My heart isn't aching, it's on fire, and more so than it has ever been in my life.
Man at this point I just want to fall into him and stay there. Something along those lines.
I am so in love I want to cry. Do you know what that feels like? I cannot take this right now.

...I'm so afraid I'm going to mess this up.
I'm so afraid that I'm going to be so worn out, so exhausted, so tired from all the stress and undue pain I've been putting myself through, that I'm not going to be able to do this right. I'm terrified that I won't be able to do this at all.
It hurts so much now, both being there and not being there. But I can't forget October 11th. I can't ever forget that or what led up to it. It broke my heart, completely. I won't do that to him again. I can't.
I need this. We need this. I want to be with him more than anything. But... if I can't even keep myself together now, how will I...

"I love you in the open sea" just came up on iTunes, so I am closing this up before I start sobbing.