110222

[prismaticbleed]

In light of yesterday's meltdown, today's continued struggle & workbook triggers, and the looming terror of discharge, I NEED to get our thoughts out on paper, as well as we can. The point I want to focus on is twofold: our LACK OF JOY & HOPE, and our LOSS OF SELF. I still can't "see myself" in headspace. STILL. I can't get a grip on pronouns; I DON'T HAVE A NAME?? God knows that the old and LEGIT names used by Cores have been DAMAGED BY TRAUMA. So I don't know what to do. Not yet at least; God help me find it.
...I keep getting "Jewel" as an answer, but that "self" is FOREVER THE YOUNG WORLDJUMPER and I feel like... like I can't be that anymore. Like I have to be a depressed & worldly adult. But I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS. It feels sick & wrong. But it ALSO feels stuck. WHY?? What is ACTUALLY screwing up my identity & ability TO have one?? Who AM I, really? Who do I WANT to be, and to heck with the world? CAN I still be Jewel? Or is it time to "find a NEW name"? ...I don't know. It's not that clear-cut, being part of a System. Jewel & Jay & Jayce & Jess ALL STILL EXIST AS INDIVIDUALS in the System! They existed in SPECIFIC times for SPECIFIC reasons, and those names CAN'T BE "REASSIGNED"-- although the Bloodline phenomenon IS real and legit. But... what bloodline AM I? I feel so stuck downstairs, I don't know. And upstairs, the Jewels keep getting pushed AWAY from the System & into the LEAGUE, as THAT'S their TRUE job & purpose! Plus it's a TITLE, canonically, in Moralimon, for a "Main Guardian," which our Jewel apparently IS. But THAT PREVENTS her from getting involved in the SYSTEM?? So even though I STILL DO "hold" the name, it feels... upsettingly impersonal. It IS a "title" now, I think. The "Jays" are TRAUMATIZED so God only knows what's going to happen there. The "Lotus" name has been MURDERED. So... what do I do? Who AM I? ...All I know is that, in my deepest heart, I WANT to be PART OF THE SYSTEM WITHOUT ABANDONING THE LEAGUE. But... those two are PROTECTIVELY EXCLUSIVE. In the past there WAS bleedover and PEOPLE LEGIT DIED FROM IT. So the Jewels are MEANT to be separate... for the most part. HEARTSPACE CONNECTS US. THAT'S HOW I MET CHAOS 0. And that connective level is JUST AS ESSENTIAL AS THE DISTINCTION. I think the LACK of that IS a huge reason why we're struggling to feel "real," too. So THAT'S a REAL "recovery goal"!
Still, so is finding my name. AND my "gender," for heaven's sakes. I'm not a boy but I'm not a girl. I'm not a kid but I'm not an adult? ALL of that is in the SYSTEM, but... not me. I'm very lost. I want to be able to BE with the CoreGroup again. ...Xenophon is apparently still alive and she STILL calls me her father, but... I'm not, not truly. I'm NOT Jay, although I've tried. Trauma wrecked that chance. So yes, I'm very lost. All the roads seem barricaded. I CANNOT EVER be female, but I also CANNOT EVER be male. The binary just does not apply to me, OR this body. I know that. Looking into the mirror... I don't want ANY sexualized parts. I want to be NEUTRAL. I want to be "both & neither." Can I be? What do I look like?
And what about this poor body? Honestly we are STILL SO ACUTELY SUICIDAL, FAR moreso than we were DURING the E.D., ever. We at least HAD HOPE. Now we don't. How ironic. "Recovering" means illness, pain, exhaustion, loss of self... the BINGES were what made life hell but GUESS WHAT WE'RE EXPECTED & OBLIGATED to do now?? "Recovery" here IS AN EATING DISORDER, to me, how this feels & looks. I want to throw up. I'm so overfull & sick & nauseous & bloated. When I go home I'm not gonna eat. Forget about "partial." Forget about their "recovery plan." What the heck are you recovering?? Garbage I threw away?? I want to be ABLE TO BREATHE & REST & SLEEP & EXIST. not this gluttonous horror of a "life." God I just want to give up. I'm so tired.
So what are my "hopes" for "recovery"? Well, I NEVER want to binge or overeat EVER AGAIN, once I'm out of this place. NO MORE FOOD. NONE. My other hope for recovery is to REMEMBER & USE all those DBT/CBT skills, all the workbook stuff, to HEAL FROM TRAUMA and COPE WITH ALL THESE AWFUL THOUGHTS & FEELINGS & SITUATIONS. I want to be ABLE TO BE GOOD. I want to be CAPABLE of becoming a saint, God willing. Getting my mental/emotional instability under control, understanding its roots & healing it, is my REAL GOAL, because THAT is DIRECTLY RELEVANT TO GETTING TO HEAVEN. Oh yes, I VERY much STILL WANT TO DIE. But this hellish eating disorder has dragged me so far away from God. Ironically, SO HAS "TREATMENT." My goal is for THAT to stop, and to GENUINELY devote ALL my time & energy & resources & attention TO RELIGION. NOT FOOD!!!
But on that note I DON'T KNOW if EITHER the System or the League TRULY fit into that goal of serving God & loving Him above all things. I've lost so much already; maybe God DOESN'T want me to have a sense of self, OR hobbies OR interests OR an innerworld. Maybe all of that is... to be lost. Like this WEIGHT.
How do I even live anymore? I keep joking that I'll "turn this body into a tank" but really I'm too bloody tired of it. I don't want to focus on it EVEN MORE, by working out all the time when I could be praying. But God is that realistic? like when I DID have the E.D. fulltime. I'd sleep for 9 to 12 hours and although I would fail by eating, I WANTED to pray & worship for like SEVEN HOURS. Is that possible? Is that truly wise? God how can I tell?? Nothing else matters but You. But I feel so sick & miserable. I want to puke. I should. I can't. God do You want me to? Would You be sad if I did? What should I do instead? What is YOUR purpose in this? How is this helping my soul? Is this just EXPLICIT PENANCE for all the binges? CAN I offer up this agony? God please help me, I'm so sick. I'm so tired. Please get me through tonight & tomorrow. Help me with those darn fluids so I stop obsessing. Please help me not to vomit. Please help me to know who I am... who YOU want me to be.



I AM AFRAID OF...
- how the thick body FEELS
- being so sick when eating
- increased anxiety & pain
- COPING with "trauma body"
- REALLY wanting to starve myself
- suicide
- self-abuse

I AM HOPING FOR...
- a muscular body eventually
- free time for Leaguework
- System bonding during struggle
- more radical trust in God
- penitential suffering
- (death)
- (life)