prismaticbleed | 091924 back of tablet

Psychologically, I am in a COMPLETELY different state now than I was in UPMC & that's not good news. I'm stuttering & dissociating & shaking. Is it because I have no space or privacy or silence here? I feel trapped, overwhelmed, overstimulated, rushed, surrounded, helpless & watched like a caged animal. WHY? This place is SHOCKINGLY LENIENT compared to UPMC. But... I think it's the bigger shift from a solitary home & hospital to suddenly being surrounded by people, even lovely people, with NO "escape" physically. I'll talk to treatment team IF I can phrase this without putting myself in danger. What I really need to do is learn how to assert my boundaries, whatever that means, without offending or hurting or ignoring others. I'm not the only one struggling or suffering. I NEED to be a man, so to speak. That's a problem too. Yeah I'm a woman but I MUST BE STRONG & BRAVE & COURAGEOUS. Or is this God humbling me? I came in here thinking "I'll be a good example & inspire others" because I base my worth on that. But I showed up and burnt out fast & I'm a trembling shrinking coward. I'm a disgrace. And yet I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE UP. I CAN'T. That would betray my own ideals & work towards integrity. But part of me does want to bail. It's jumping to conclusions. Listen, WORK HARD, WOMAN UP, & GIVE IT A WEEK. Cooperate entirely with the team & let them know you ARE determined to heal-- which means PARTICIPATING IN GROUPS & NOT ISOLATING & LEARNING TO NOT FREAK OUT IN SOCIAL SETTINGS. Otherwise they'll choke you on pills. KILL THE EGO CURVED IN ON ITSELF. GO OUT TO OTHERS IN LOVE. That's what JESUS would do, and you ARE His Temple, & SO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE. Live like it!!

How do I change HARD & FAST tomorrow? Do I need to anchor in an overlay? God please help me to stay in the right mindset without getting proud or stupid or blind. Honestly THAT'S what I'm afraid of. A BIG part of this eating disorder IS "SEDATING THE DRAGON." I feel like I'm a MONSTER inside & if I DON'T keep that horror starved & weak, refusing to feed it, it will-- I will-- inevitably be a VIOLENT AGGRESSIVE FIRE destroying all that comes near. I'm terrified that EVEN NOW, although still thin, as I feel STRENGTH & ENERGY returning THROUGH FOOD, the monster WILL hurt everyone UNLESS I keep this ANXIETY CAGE around it. It's just a different restraint; if I can't tranquilize, at least not unless I sleep-deprive it. But it ALL boils down to NOT TRUSTING MYSELF because I KNOW I'M DANGEROUS & OFFENSIVE & INAPPROPRIATE & OBTRUSIVE & RUDE & HAUGHTY & BAD. Deep down I just hurt people. Deeper down I love people so much it hurts and I want to weep bitter hot tears forever because dragons burn people, not embrace them. I'm meant to be slain. "Scorpion Part I." Is that really my nature? NO. Scripture says YOU'VE BEEN BOUGHT AT A PRICE & CHANGED IN CHRIST. Yes, EVEN a cobra like you. The Child DOES put His Hand on you. And He HAS, so please, BELIEVE it!! STOP ACTING SO COWARDLY. But there's some deeper level there too, I feel it now in action. I'm SCARED of doing something wrong & BEING SLAIN and it's making me TERRIFIED to even TRY??

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

COUNSELING TOPICS =
● distrust of self; "if I choose it, it's WRONG" = must OBEY AUTHORITY (arbitrary???)
↑ TIED INTO BPD APPEASEMENT "PLEASE GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE; I'LL DO ANYTHING" (terror of abandonment/ rejection)
● "I'm a MONSTER"; need to be CAGED/ CHAINED/ TRANQUILIZED or else I'll kill someone

✳GUILT = "I MADE A MISTAKE"
SHAME = "I AM A MISTAKE"