prismaticbleed | UPMC journal 102522

Thinking, "why am I even here right now? What are my goals? What is the point? What am I supposed to be doing? What is the next step?" I feel so lost and directionless. I wish someone from the System would just come out & rage at me, even. Just to CLARIFY things. Just so I feel ALIVE and REAL-- part of that whole, that beautiful greater thing, that the eating disorder could NOT kill, and that HAS purpose, always. God gives us the answers we need. We ARE the answers, frequently. We are God's tools for healing each other. I think-- I HOPE-- that's why so many of my prayers seem "unanswered," even "refused." I hope that God likes to use US as the answer to my prayers. I hope so. But we NEED to be TENACIOUS in our hope. We must be FIERCELY optimistic, even. On days like this, so vague and despairing, we MUST FIGHT WITH FAITH-- believing & TRUSTING that "the universe is unfolding as it should" and that God IS WORKING, EVEN NOW, IN OUR LIFE. We are STILL headed towards the future HE has planned for us. We MUST STAY STRONG, and we can ONLY DO THAT IF WE KEEP OUR MIND, EYES, & HEART OPEN. We must BELIEVE IN MIRACLES and WAIT TO SEE HOW GOD WILL ACT. And in that waiting, we must focus on HIM. How do we do that IN treatment? We SEEK TO LIVE AS KINGDOM PEOPLE. We shine light into dark places. We defend and proclaim the Truth. We nourish and enable Life. We comfort the sorrowful, counsel the doubtful, instruct the ignorant... we keep our hearts set on "higher things." We practice gratitude & compassion. We seek God's Wisdom & APPLY it with discernment. We take up our Cross and CARRY IT WELL, with patient faithful surrender, with LOVE and PURPOSE. We repent of our sins & do Good at every opportunity. We think of beautiful things. We work hard by the grace of God, and rest in His Peace. We PRAY. Every moment of our life CAN and SHOULD be saturated with THE CHARACTERISTICS OF CHRIST. When we study & apply DBT & CBT, we are revealing untruths, cruelty, unforgiveness, wrath, despair, pride, envy... we find them and we CONQUER them by TRUTH & HOPE & COMPASSION. We learn to treasure & value our God-given bodies just as they are. We learn how to maintain harmonious relationships, always being respectful & honest. We plan for the future by learning TEMPERANCE and WISDOM in meal planning, as we learn to see food as GOD'S GIFT of nourishment & medicine. We reject the devil's self-idolatry every time we resist addictive behaviors and choose healthy activities, ones that help restore us to the FREEDOM and BEAUTY of life that GOD INTENDED!! Honestly, as a WHOLE, literally EVERYTHING RECOVERY-ORIENTED IS SERVING GOD, AND HELPING TO REALIZE HIS KINGDOM!! We are literally tearing down the ugly strongholds of the devil, which look solid & scary, but that WILL COLLAPSE LIKE A HOUSE OF CARDS by the POWER OF THE SPIRIT!! I'm thinking of Reverend Mofo now, haha. BUT SERIOUSLY! BE THAT BOLD IN FAITH. Hold on to hope, FIERCELY, and roll with the punches. God is STILL choreographing every move. I promise you that. Lastly... "you cannot fail recovery." I hope not. I feel like I have, or will, but they KEEP telling me THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE?? I suppose, as long as I'm TRYING to recover, and DETERMINED to, no amount of slips or struggles can stop me. PERSEVERE. Set your face like FLINT, kiddo!! Even now, we're STILL journaling, we're STILL trying to plan meals, we're STILL working on relapse prevention exercises, we're STILL reading & working in the workbooks, we're STILL eating 100% ESPECIALLY when we want to just QUIT & PURGE. We are NOT GIVING UP. And THAT ALONE is recovery. THAT is why we're here-- to NEVER GO BACK TO THAT ADDICT LIFE. The point is DEFEATING DISORDER WITH HEALTH & GOODNESS & GROWTH. I'm doing what I'm supposed to by BEING HERE & persevering. GOD will show us the next step when we're ready for it. Trust Him. ♥