061022

[prismaticbleed]

 
Despite the hell night, its an oddly good day so far 

Covid appointment. The usual data.

Rebecca in lobby, oops. But she wasnt mad, just concerned 

Call on Monday to call therapists, and do that paperwork for her in gratitude!!

Checkin guy & checkout lady super nice too, as always. Just meant a lot 

Finos stop, finally! SUPER OLD AESTHETICS, felt like dupont. Oddly nice. Go back Monday for the magnesium btw 

Church at marello because I had no gas money for dvm

Struggling so hard with food compulsions. Wanting to get foodbank green beans for some reason. So distracting, humiliating even. Felt like being pulled away from Jesus. 

Communion I felt dehumanized still, but loved. Like Jesus met me IN my wretched state, NOT rejecting me for it. Like I was a leper. I felt like a beat-up stray cat licking His wounded hands. Lost but found, tossed out but now welcomed. I felt like a child, the blood on my innocent tongue, bewildered by the gently mind-blowing power i sensed there as much as by the simple yet crushing intimacy of His palms, pierced and held down, open, to me. A little lost cat, a little sad child. Divinity coming to me, hungry and haggard, miserable, and offering Himself to me for food. True food. 

It meant the world, those moments. 

Then, IMMEDIATELY as i left the nave, THREE PEOPLE SUDDENLY STOPPED TO LOVINGLY COMMENT ON MY BEING THERE AT ALL. here was love and acceptance from the body of Christ. 

SANDY, the cool fashion lady with red hair. Bringing me a blessed medal of Mary FROM TURKEY!!! ;_____;

JEAN? But she's an EXETER i think? Her husband's grave is right near grandpa & grandma. She consoled me on that huge loss.

MY DEAR MATTRESS LADY what is her name. But we chatted a bit in the bathroom about the Eucharist and the weather, God bless 

OBLATES of course.

Caught the tail end of the Homily on the radio. EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR. I'm sure its online, WRITE IT DOWN 

Shopping 

Flashbulb music loop. "Teeming disconnected"

CHAOS ZERO talking to me. IN A SUIT

"I need to be a real husband to you now" = providing and protecting, etc. 

That is absolutely flooring me because THOSE ROLES NEVER FELT CONCRETELY "RIGHT" BEFORE.  Like we weren't ready. But suddenly now, as of late-- with all the prayers I've been saying and all the striving to become my real self in Christ and to leave sin & addiction behind and to be a good woman, not a little girl anymore--  It feels like the pieces for that grand beautiful thing have finally moved into their proper place as well. 

Cooking 

Listening to the Liturgy of the hours, one after another after another, and just feeling so happy to be swimming in the word of God as it were

Laurie talking to Spice, Discussing how we need to be gentle with the compulsion nousfoni about the food addiction, but that we are improving. Day by day, don't give up.  But going cold turkey would not solve the root of the problem and would make things worse just like it did in the past.

we just all need to be prudent and firm and gentle and compassionate and patient. 

Browsing Tumblr

Seeing Lolita and kidcore blogs that people are posting for aesthetic,  And suddenly realizing quite concretely that I don't want to dress like that or collect those things;  Rather there's now a real desire to give those things to and and dress a child like that.  Like I've finally moved past the perpetual childhood compulsion-- I don't want to be a child in those ways, I want to give those things to a child rightfully so.  Considering the fact that we still have so many age locked altars, That step in the core psyche is quite monumental. 

Another huge step is the fact that seeing grown women dressing in childlike ways really makes me disturbed and nauseous now. It feels like pedophilia and it's very very wrong. So I'm now moving out of that same fashion sphere, through wanting to grow up in reality at last. 

It's a really good feeling. I feel like this is one of the doors to the future that has been locked until now. 

By the way I don't know if I've ever mentioned how happy I am that I'm finally fixing my relationship with mom. I love her so much and im glad that we're finally growing closer.   I want to do stuff together with her like the boys do; I'll have to figure something out. 

Absentmindedly tasted some ketchup from a packet with my eyes closed And got a punch of a Flashbulb memory.

Apparently my brain associates ketchup with county fairs and Apparently my brain associates Redners ketchup with county fairs and carnivals. But heinz ketchup has more vinegar and THAT reminds me immediately of firehose company breakfasts! That's bizarre but interesting & very important info! 

Stomach dislikes avocados?  It's the only thing different I've had today so far and I'm getting intense stomach cramps. Huh. 

Still fiercely craving hot sauce too. WHY. 

I'm so tired of fighting food. I just want it to be simple & normal. North Carolina made it SO MUCH WORSE but thats NO EXCUSE for not fixing it now!! 

Gas Station stop. Why.

Affection wire crossed with breakfast sandwiches. Absolutely COPE associations.