041622

[prismaticbleed]

reading "Max Lucado" book; thoughts from the spectrum 

I don't know what it feels like to be a parent to a son. in that sense is totally foreign. Im not a white American teen guy. It's alien. But I'm also not a white American female, at ALL.

I can imagine having a daughter, but NOT as a mother. But I cannot imagine having a son as a father, because I'm not male, and the thought that I could produce one is impossible. 

But so is being a mother. 

I can barely imagine what a little boy is like, but actually it's the same with little girls. I think the daughter wiggle room goes with being a tomboy-- with effectively being nonbinary. A feminine son feels possible in that light, too. 

It's interesting.

And it EXPLAINS my "sterile parent" vibe, which has proved unchangeable. I can be a father, but I can NEVER lie with a woman, or a man. I cannot get pregnant or give birth, but as a "girl" I can love a girl, not a boy. To be with a male, my sense of self shuts off. I become null. There is NEVER unity with a man. But neither is there with a woman. I cannot impregnate anyone, it's impossible. So how would I ever have my own children? Because in every imagining, the children I see are not adopted. They do not spring from human activity. 

Maybe that's the bottom line, amusingly so. I can't have a human child. And I cannot have sex because my body has no sex itself. In the end that is all that clicks, it's the only thought that resonates clear. Everything else makes me shiver, nauseous, afraid. It's so wrong. 

Max Lucado wrote about "taking responsibility for the failure of others," in contrast to not taking responsibility for our own.

I realized= in the system, "good & bad" are hypercompartmentalized. The old Cores all crashed and died when their "incorrupt" nature was breached, and they could not exist as "pure" anymore, so they didn't.

It's also, shockingly, the opposite for most of the socials, notably the Jessicas-- by nature they ARE "impure," corrupted, addicted and angry and selfish and sick... so the very concept of NOT being bad, of healing and redeeming, is impossible. It would annihilate their function. It would create somebody else, and they would be left holding all that ugly stuff still, to keep that new pure kid pure. 

Mr Lucado made me realize that the ONLY way to help those "wastelocks" is for the "innocent" to BE CHRIST TO THEM. 

ONLY those "without sin" CAN take on the guilt of those marred by it. ONLY the untouched can soothe the abused. ONLY the clean can wash the feet of the filthy, as it were. 

Lately we've all been feeling retraumatized by memories of Charlotte. We've been phrasing it as "falling from grace"-- as "becoming mortal". Those of us who WERE "pure of heart" before then became horrifically tainted, and died... but God still resurrected us. Problem is, we feel like we came back wrong. We don't shine like Jesus did. We don't even have the color of life in is anymore. We're zombies, in a way-- living death. We feel so lost. 

Do we need to compartmentalize? Do we need to revisit the Cross, and die THERE this time??

Is that the new era, ironically, just like the beginning? "Yamis" instead of daemons? Both? God only knows. But something new must be born. It is Easter, after all. 

I've been having dreams about love, lately. 

Last night, Infinitii came back full force, fronting, speaking, laughing, bled ink-deep into my bones. I missed hir so much.

Three nights this week it's been me and Chaos Zero. 

 

...

(unfinished)