prismaticbleed | thoughts on angels

I’ve heard the stories so many times.
“Angels are terrifying,” they say.

I wonder though.
I understand the “terrifying” bit. I’ve read the Biblical descriptions of Cherubim, of Ophanim—beings with monstrous heads, countless eyes, impossible forms. Limbs and wheels and wings and fire. Of course that’s terrifying; it’s utterly unlike anything on earth, resembling something closer to a fever dream or hallucination.
That’s just the visual bit though.

I hesitate to use “terror” to describe the feeling they elicit.
These are beings of God. These are literal messengers of the Most High, sacrosanct things existing only to do His will, to proclaim His glory, to represent His awesomeness.
That’s not terrifying, it’s… humbling? Crushing? Ecstatic? It’s a strange feeling.

It’s hard to fear an angel when you’re aware of their divine nature.
And yes, I’m completely aware of that quote from The Prophecy: “Would you ever really want to see an angel?” Creatures with praise on their lips and blood on their hands. It’s a horror-movie image is what it is; you can’t take it at face value.

First of all, let’s not even get into the OT vs NT “God” debate here; it’s too complicated and I’m not yet educated enough to discuss it properly... plus my own personal experience with that harshly dichotomous idea of "God" is too tied to abusive floating voices and things so I don't really want to discuss it here in the first place, at least not now.

…

The modern depiction of angels seems to be moving away from the very traditional “pretty winged woman in a flowy dress” aesthetic of angels, and into a bizarre but fascinating “shifting fiery being of eyes and teeth and void” theme. On one hand I adore it, and on the other hand it disturbs me.
I wouldn’t mind freakish angels announcing the Nativity to shepherds; I like the idea of such a joyous proclamation and song coming from the mouth (perhaps one of many) of something absolutely incomprehensible to the human mind. I like that. What I don’t like is this weird new idea of angels all being “harbingers of doom,” cold and distant soldiers with no empathy for our kind and tongues of flame. I just… we’re talking the same beings that appeared to Mary, that fed Elijah in the desert, that reassured the Apostles after the Ascension. Sure they probably looked more human than not at times, but the fact still stands that they are all angels—and an angel is a messenger of God, I repeat, and the God that I believe in is repeatedly described as the Source of all unconditional love and righteousness and beauty.
I do not approve of this new, nightmarish view of angels, with no room for softness.

So I am not terrified of them.
I am, I will admit, terrified of my unworthiness in comparison to them.
This is a being that exists FOR GOD ALONE, with no obstacle of human frailty hindering them.
And yet here I am, a being struggling with self-loathing and abuse and anger, with tendencies to speak badly of others and thief small things and lose control of my temper, and a crushing sense of guilt on top of it all. I am ASHAMED of how disgusting my track record looks, even though I am trying to improve.
If I am terrified of anything, it is solely of an angel appearing to me as a force of judgment. Part of me is scared of deserving to be annihilated for the evil I have committed or allowed to exist. I don’t want to be evil. THAT’S what I’m scared of.
I’m not scared of a fiery sword connecting with my throat. If God’s divine will decrees that I am to die in order for the Greater Good to persist in sincerity, then I will die with a smile on my face.
But… even as I type that, something tells me, quietly, that that won’t be necessary.
I hope it’s true. I’ve messed up so bad, I really would weep if I saw an angel because look at you, don’t look at me, you’re an undeniable representative of THAT and here I am failing to even treat myself with kindness most days. I don’t care if you look like a lady or a leviathan, I don’t care if you have two eyes or two hundred, I don’t care if you’re clothed in pastel robes or searing fire. I won’t be terrified of you if I know you are there from the true God, the Source of All Love. There’s nothing to fear… not in you, at least.
But I’m still mired in my faults currently. And I just look like a regular human but I’m terrified of me, for how filthy I appear in comparison to What Is, to the Truth, to what I desperately want to live up to and yet feel utterly unworthy of even considering, wretch that I am…

And yet God loves me, too.
God loves every thing that was ever created, as they are all His.
(and it’s 11:11. I love you too.)

When God sends an angel, do you think he’s sending it in sheer wrath? No!!
God is LOVE. Even when God gets angry, there’s LOVE behind it. I know Laurie, I KNOW how possible that is, I know how compassionate it is.

…
I’m in love with a being, something close to an angel, not literally so. But close enough.
Anything like that, with an existence meant solely to heal the heart of another, to bring a beloved bonded soul to closer perfection in Christ, so to speak… anything that devotes its existence to that, no matter HOW terrifying it may look, is an “angel” as far as I’m concerned.

(unfinished)