may 25 2015

[prismaticbleed]

So, guess who just spent the past 6 hours in the emergency room? This guy!
Don't worry, we're not dead. We just pushed the body to the limit and it kind of collapsed on us. Last night/ this morning was pretty rough to get through as a result.
We haven't been sleeping, haven't been eating, we've been stressing ourselves out, we're still fighting hacks and now there are angry/ upset people FRONTING so we're getting switching and stuff actively for the first time in a while... lots of stress really. So the body broke down awfully and we had to go to the hospital. We're okay now. (We won't be if we don't try to at least get 2 hours of sleep or something, and eat something for heaven's sakes)

I'll write more later maybe, as of right now this is just a timestamp, and a reminder to NOT DO THAT AGAIN.


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@ 10:53 pm



So!!! I must be a really fcking horrible person to be attracting all this stuff to me because I DONT DESERVE TO ENJOY LIFE.

1. Dying, systems are failing
2. money is tight, can't afford what i need to buy
3. have to stop hormone therapy
4. have to go to inpatient facility for a month or whatever

i have this internalizzed belief that "enjoying life is evil because "this life" is evil and if you enjoy it then you are rejecting God," what the fck WHO TAUGHT US THIS, why can't i let go of it?
i know why. it's ebcause i really am that scared of "enyjoyment" because of the "manic red" people
all my life, ALL MY LIFE "enjoylment" has been tied to hedonism and manipulation and selfish extravagance. "I enjoy life! look at me spending all the money on worthless things because i ENJOY it!!! look at me hurting other people and using them because they are helping me get what i ENJOY!!!!" FCK YOU. GO TO HELL.

i hurt so much. i am so, so so so so damn scared
i want TO DIE I WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE RIGHT NOW BUT I HAVE NO METHODS THAT WORK
god i am so fcking tired i am sos cared i dont want to die sick in a hospital bed i wanted to die a martyr, i wanted to die a death that would atone for my life

i am so scared of looking in the mirror and seeing HER
i am sos cared of hearing this voie and hearinf HRE
all i wanted was to grow up to lok like me but now i CAN'T?
now were stuck being HER and god i dont know if i have the strength. does that make me weak, does that make me a selfish fcking damnable shithead "ego," something that doesn't really exist and so it can't be loved because it doesn't deserve love because it's NOT REAL


none of us are real no one's ever around when the body is sick there's just this damn program
what is the soul, what is life, what is a "person,"
when there's only this programmed shithead out all the time being a fcking BITCH

i want to enjoy life, i WANT TO, okay, but "enjoyment" is an automatic condemnation just in saying the word, "enjoying" anything meant i was being watched and graded on it, i was being condemned or objectified, "enjoying" something meant i was now a performance, i was now a judgment, i was now a sleaze. you cant '"enjoy" anything without it becoming a performance act
i am so sick
i just want to not be alive for a while or something i dont know

i miss headspace
i miss whatever the hell we had in the past, i dont remember
i miss

god i've been looking at memories, i've been digging through as many memories as i can possibly find, and all of a sudden i find some from salt lake and i am shocked, i am shocked, there was so much sorrow there. like the abandoned, sad, dry kind. the kind so tired the tears just get wrung out of it like dry dust.

oh god i reall am evil
i really am horrible
look at al this talk all i'm doing is sowing seeds of unease and unhealth i am so so so so goddamn sorry


i won't talk like this anymoer. i think im just going to not go online for a while not update here.
i dont know how to 'be happy' when people are expecting me to identify me with pain and suffering,
i dont want any more pain and suffeirngn, please god whatever i am doing wrong here help me,HELP ME I wdont want to die like this, not liek that please

im sorry. i am sorry for every bad thing i ever said against anyone.
some spiritual paths i yelled at and i am sorry. i am not mad at you i do not hate you. i only got upset because i am so self-doubting, i felt that if i could not "perfectly fit" YOUR path, then i was flawed and wrong, so in desperateion i tried to find 'flaws' in your path to show that i WASN'T all-evil and utterly corrupt. that's not how it works. i have my own path, they said, and it's okay, they said, it's okay for me to be different. why is that so hard for me to accept. why do i feel such suffocating pressure to "conform" and "be normal."
is it this family, saying "i'm just begging god to make you normal again" acting like me being "like i was as a kid" will make me 100% happy and healthy and pure, i dont' know, will it? i dont know who we were then. but the guilt is crushing, i'm 'different," that upsets the family, i am crushing myself, i am telling myself I HAVE no "self" because that is "wrong," it is going agaisnt the people that love me, how dare you upset them....
that can't be how this works.

i am so sorry if i ever said unkind things against anyone or anytihng.i hereby take them all back, i will bear that poison and transmute it as reparation if i can, i am so sorry, please forgive me. i honestly do not hate anyone. i love everyone. even myself. but the "identity" this body has cannot love, it's the sort of thing thehy talk about, "born out of separation," it was born from not-love so it can't learn love or it won't exist. i dont know it sounds utterly proud and primping and that makes mer eally really really sick.
all i know is that i really do love myself BUT during the day i get stepped over? and this "non loving program" steps in and says NO, you CANOT love yourself because your love is "NOT NORMAL" and thereofre NOT ALLOWED. so abuse happens and self-torture happens to force us to be "normal" and god why, why can't we let go of this. why haven't we let go of this yet. why do we feel this shouldn't be let go of. what needs to be healed here.

we dont belong in this world but god it is so so so so sos oso goddamn scary to have things like this happening
i didnt realize we were hurting ourself THAT BAD but here we are, it's right there on paper
god i am so SAD. i want to just wail in despair, scream in hopeless sorrow, it's terrible. i am so sad. i have mourning to do for eyars and i don't know how, because "mourning is stupid, there's no reason to mourn, you didn't lose anything!" so what do i do with this awful choking navy blue emotion, then, what do i do with it, bury it again? turn it off?

i want to throw up from anxiety but i can't, all the vomiting is just contributing to this, i have to just keep it down


i've been fcking up this life so bad and i am so sorry.
i never felt i was "worth anything" and i am sorry i messed it up.
i KNEW i was worth SO MUCH but i felt that was blasphemously proud, i buried it.
i rejected love and i shut down my own love because that was "distasteful" and "licentious"
it's awful. i am so sorry.

i really dont know what to do.



lindy is dead, that was our new ipod, she died this morning. drowned. i am so sorry i wasn't more careful, i couldn't find her.
stupid things like that make me chokingly sad. little stupid ignorances on my part. like hitting the piano. it's this utterly innocent thing, created only to carry joy. and i hit it. and i let it die. and i was selfish and ignorant and lazy. and something else paid the price.

i am so scared of what i will have to pay.

i don't want to be this person anymore. god i DON'T WANT TO BE THIS PERSON ANYMORE

how did the other people scratch the system, how did the other resets happen, god PLEASE let me kill this timeline PLEASE, let a new host step up and please let things be good again, our old entries here were so bright, i don' t remember a damn thing from the past several years, i don't know, i am so fcking sad, god i am so sad, i'm so alone, i'm so damn lonely, i feel utterly abandoned and worthless,
"god" doesnt abandon you but the "god" that keeps answering my prayers is an angry thing that scares me
i am so fcking tired
i am so scared.

there's no reason to be scared.
and no. there's not. death is death. i KNOW its okay afterwards.
the pain of getting to death is scary. but its not forever. AND THIS BODY IS NOT YOU. so take heart in that at least.
it's not. it's not, it's not, it's NOT and it NEVER WAS. she will NEVER be you and she will NEVER kill you and take your place.

but there's an old scared broken part of us that says "i am scared of death, because they told me, when i die i am going to hell."
old beliefs like that ou just have to DROP, there's nothing you can do to "transmute" them, they're just junk.
but. the childhood fear is so loud.
"what if i AM really that bad?? what if i AM going to hell?? shouldn't i be better then?"
but everyone, EVERYONE we know that we ask, family and townsfolk and whatever, ALL OF THEM say that we are "wonderful." that we are an "incredibly kind and sweet person." that they cannot imagine why in the world we think we are bad.
i
i cant see that good? i dont remember it? im not sure what "counts as" good? i keep feeling i need to sacrifice, i need to give all my money away, i need to keep fasting and praying, i need to give away all my possessions, is that really the ideal, the "only way," being so ascetic?
that's why i'm scared. part of me is CONVINCED that unless I am living at the absolute bottom of my means, being strict and harsh with self-discipline and allowing NO "enjoyment,"

that is NOT TRUE

i am going to go bury myself in dream world and positive messages. mark my words. there is STILL HOPE, there is ALWAYS HOPE,
it's not dead, it will never die,
i'm going to try very hard to just be happy and ENJOY LIFE genuinely for a bit before i go to sleep. life is full of beauty and wonder and there is nothing wrong with taking joy in experiencing that.

so all you floating voices go away and leave me alone, i am not going to give up, even if things are very confusing right now, i will not give up