nov 20

[prismaticbleed]

 

just a short update so i don't forget things.

two days ago i grabbed the wish bear plushie off our nightstand on a whim, immediately minty showed up. super excited, missed me, "where have you been," etc. the bear showed up shortly after, dude still can't find a name, he's wondering if he even has one.
anyway i asked him "what else is underground here," because every time i see minty she's in this borderline subterranean sort of hallway? like the bottom floor of the high school we went to, there are a few windows lining the hall near the ceiling, but you can see the ground outside sloping upwards to the right, showing that the hall itself is descending underground. so the windows stop at that point. but anyway i had no idea where it went, i never saw an entrance or exit. the bear paused, said he was hesitant but okay, just a quick look. made me promise not to misuse the info. well, the hall doesn't go far until it opens up into a large room of branching halls? low ceiling. i'll have to draw it. very orderly, has a 'labyrinth' feel but it's symmetrical i think? and the halls are all small, like 10 feet long each. all white, a weird fuchsia-ish glow about the place, from the floors? unsure. but each little hall ends with the ceiling going up, like the hall continued vertically a few feet. and in that bit of ceiling there is a perfect glowing square, flat like a ceiling tile. like how i imagined the "gates" in the golden compass. but yes they are headspace gates! and from that room, the bear sends out his little-bear helpers to other areas and people. he didn't elaborate on it.
he sent one while i was there. he actually 'unzipped' his entire chest, no zipper but it was a clean open, i can't remember if there was raw energy or what in there but ultimately he took out a small bear, made of light? very blurry i don't quite recall. i think it floated through the nearest hall-gate, it was glowing green. i vaguely saw the bear appear in a sort of forest, battling little tar monster things? i was falling asleep by that time
but yes that was really interesting.

today. went to church choir practice. haven't gone since spring, vocal dysphoria got too bad. i was nervous about going now, didn't want people asking too invasive questions about my new low vocal range (which i adore so much), but nope, i just got warmly welcomed back and complimented all around. which was lovely. they're lovely people. we were rehearsing with the local 'mother of sorrows' church for thanksgiving mass, yes that is specifically why i got the guts to return this week of all weeks. gotta pay attention to the messages man.
anyway we got out at 8:30 and i headed home, i felt oddly blissfully content about everything, perfect feeling. kind of my personal vibe, like watching the snow quietly fall outside but being warm and quiet and happy watching it through the windows. but inwardly totally joyful. it's soft joy, if that makes sense. not loud. but i got home and i walked into my room, and picked up chaos's anchor plush and just kissed it. of course he tunes into headspace then, surprised, 'what was that for?' like dude what's your reason for suddenly being this affectionate again, it's been ages, i'm not complaining at all but seriously what's up? i had to laugh, there was no reason, other than i just loved him is all. it just felt completely in-tune is all. he laughed at that too, there was an almost-tangible gratitude in it, it made me smile.

what else hmm.
chocoloco is nice to me now. he's still strict and angry, but i'm thankful for that and it helps, so he speaks up when he needs to.
i can almost see the jabberwock, finally. she says she 'hasn't decided on her color' which explains the blurriness, looking at her is like looking through two sheets of wet glass? hard to explain. it's all blurry around the edges. but she's not as disturbingly manic and singsong as she was lately, probably due to the environment (hack environments screw everyone up; remember how razor used to react to them).

infinitii kissed me with hir wings last week or so, i forgot to write that here but good lord if you want to talk about euphoria, that is it. i do not know how to explain it. just vibes man, it was gorgeous.
and i've been working on dream world almost nonstop for a few days, i am so so so happy. it is utter joy. i have made much progress. i figured something out that's been eluding me SINCE THIS STARTED and that is fantastic. progress!
it's so fun. i cannot believe i forgot how wonderful and fun this stuff is. i can feel what the 'right timeline' is like, clearly. so i'll follow that. maitru help me out dear you're practically my sister at this point. preudove you too. i need to tune back in to her, her vibe has been iffy lately.

but yes good times
sorry about the nasty-hurt entries lately, we don't regret them (they play they part, they were honest) but it aches to see that pain, in us or anyone. it's empathy. it's compassion really, i am so glad we can feel that all the time for ourself now, for this body, for our past. it's incredible. somehow we have lost the ability to hate, or drown in regret, or condemn and damn as we used to. it's gone, hopefully entirely, it feels like it. but now we're in this weird re-adjustment space where we have to balance that, we can't go too far and hit the plague. extremes aren't cool kids, handle with care.

in any case i am tired. good tired.
i need to take life one moment at a time, trying to think about the future too much gets me anxious. so i won't.
tomorrow... i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, other than a possible haircut, and buying minty kale chips (it's too perfect a combo, i have to at least try them), and finishing the last few pages of dune at long last. but it's life. life is nice. that's what counts.

have a lovely night everyone, i know i say that all the time but i mean it. i'm sending you my love with the stars.