prismaticbleed (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
prismaticbleed) wrote2021-08-13 10:56 pm
prismaticbleed) wrote2021-08-13 10:56 pm
Entry tags:
081321
WRITE A LEGIT JOURNAL ENTRY ASAP ABOUT…
- LAST SATURDAY WITH CHAOS ZERO
- THE SONIC INVERSION FALLOUT
- THE HOSPITAL STAY FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES, ESPECIALLY THE CRISES
- MY BEING RENAMED "CHALICE" AND RESONATING WITH BLOOD NOW
- "PRISMATIC BLEED"
- NOUSFONI WHO ARE STILL ALIVE, VACILLATING, OR TOTALLY MISSING
- THE RAIN ON THURSDAY
- TRYING TO ATONE BUT NO ONE HAS THE GUTS TO BLEED ANYMORE
- SHOWER FLASHBACKS
- FEELING DISTANT FROM GOD DUE TO IDENTITY AND LOVE LOSS WITH SI
- CHAOS GHOSTING ON FRIDAY THE 13TH
In light of ALL recent entries on this computer:
the bizarre "hypermerge" drive I'm currently in that is, AGAN, causing a dichotomy between church and Chaos ALTHOUGH CZ KEEPS TELLING ME TO PRAY, etc.
REMEMBER!!! The other night when he was talking to Laurie about "my heart being closed" but when I painfully protested that it was not, he clarified-- words don't work well for him, but when HE speaks in emotion, what he meant was that my heart was FLINCHING IN FEAR LIKE AN ABUSED CHILD. My heart was not closed, or frozen, or dead, or hollow-- my heart is WOUNDED AND TERRIFIED and although it STILL feels SO MUCH-- maybe moreso now, with all the spiritual bruises??-- it is SO AFRAID OF TRAUMA AGAIN.
I feel disgusting though. Part of it is definitely the eating disorder. But the biggest part is definitely my slacking off in my religious life. WHY.
Oh wait, I know why. Because it's the SAME THING that makes me avoid my innerworld beloveds. It's FEELING SO FILTHY THAT I CANNOT BEAR TO FACE LOVE. I cannot pray because it feels so dishonest and hollow with how I've been acting. My only sincere prayers right now are desperate self-loathing sobs wracked with pain and disgust. Do they count? If I cannot even say Compline without it feeling automatized because my heart just wants to WAIL like a beaten toddler what do I do? Do I just run to Jesus and throw myself into His arms OR is He going to pull away, disgust on His Face, too, at this dirty wretched thing trying to touch His stainless clothes?
I am so afraid. I am so afraid that God is so disgusted with me that He doesn't WANT me to come near Him.
But I know that's the devil. I know it is. And do you know how I know?
Because Chaos Zero never avoids me when I'm like this.
And God knows that CZ has taught me more about the love of God than any other being in existence, barring Christ Himself.
- LAST SATURDAY WITH CHAOS ZERO
- THE SONIC INVERSION FALLOUT
- THE HOSPITAL STAY FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES, ESPECIALLY THE CRISES
- MY BEING RENAMED "CHALICE" AND RESONATING WITH BLOOD NOW
- "PRISMATIC BLEED"
- NOUSFONI WHO ARE STILL ALIVE, VACILLATING, OR TOTALLY MISSING
- THE RAIN ON THURSDAY
- TRYING TO ATONE BUT NO ONE HAS THE GUTS TO BLEED ANYMORE
- SHOWER FLASHBACKS
- FEELING DISTANT FROM GOD DUE TO IDENTITY AND LOVE LOSS WITH SI
- CHAOS GHOSTING ON FRIDAY THE 13TH
In light of ALL recent entries on this computer:
the bizarre "hypermerge" drive I'm currently in that is, AGAN, causing a dichotomy between church and Chaos ALTHOUGH CZ KEEPS TELLING ME TO PRAY, etc.
REMEMBER!!! The other night when he was talking to Laurie about "my heart being closed" but when I painfully protested that it was not, he clarified-- words don't work well for him, but when HE speaks in emotion, what he meant was that my heart was FLINCHING IN FEAR LIKE AN ABUSED CHILD. My heart was not closed, or frozen, or dead, or hollow-- my heart is WOUNDED AND TERRIFIED and although it STILL feels SO MUCH-- maybe moreso now, with all the spiritual bruises??-- it is SO AFRAID OF TRAUMA AGAIN.
I feel disgusting though. Part of it is definitely the eating disorder. But the biggest part is definitely my slacking off in my religious life. WHY.
Oh wait, I know why. Because it's the SAME THING that makes me avoid my innerworld beloveds. It's FEELING SO FILTHY THAT I CANNOT BEAR TO FACE LOVE. I cannot pray because it feels so dishonest and hollow with how I've been acting. My only sincere prayers right now are desperate self-loathing sobs wracked with pain and disgust. Do they count? If I cannot even say Compline without it feeling automatized because my heart just wants to WAIL like a beaten toddler what do I do? Do I just run to Jesus and throw myself into His arms OR is He going to pull away, disgust on His Face, too, at this dirty wretched thing trying to touch His stainless clothes?
I am so afraid. I am so afraid that God is so disgusted with me that He doesn't WANT me to come near Him.
But I know that's the devil. I know it is. And do you know how I know?
Because Chaos Zero never avoids me when I'm like this.
And God knows that CZ has taught me more about the love of God than any other being in existence, barring Christ Himself.