vessel

 

Self-hatred is at a lethal high again.

It's sick to think of how long I've been saying 'I can't live in this body any longer.' It seems like it would eventually become a paradox, but quite the contrary has happened. I am no longer living. I'm spending every day trying to kill myself, on any and every level possible, and frankly I am tired of this. I need out and I need it fast.

I owe myself another grave. This is sick. I should start digging them in my throat.

I played Nier for about three hours today, and it gave me several revelations again. Unfortunately I was hacked brutally and swiftly, again, so I'll have to try and find time to relearn those lessons tomorrow.
It's frightening. There was peace and quiet for a deceivingly long time... and then when it started up again, it was more vicious that before.
I really can't take this.
Having to sleep with my grandmother every night doesn't help either. No wonder I can't get any real rest anymore.

The one thing I can't handle typing is relationships.
I really, really despise typical relationships, and you should know that by now. I have this huge mental list of criteria that I hold every couple up to, and if they don't match every single mark, I label them as a severe threat... because every missed mark is more power to Julie.
That's why I'm glad my mother and her boyfriend don't stay at the house very often anymore. They literally make me ill. And my mother and her ridiculous 'love' poetry... she is the cause of so many of my problems. I don't want to think about it.

I still can't stop thinking about how much Utah hurt and I am sick and tired of that. I want to forget it and move on.
However, I never got any closure. That's why I can't seem to drop the issue. I was dragged in, ignored, abused, tossed out, and forgotten. I never got any clarification, any explanation, nothing. Even if all they have to say is "we don't care about you, and want nothing more to do with you." That's all I need is a final statement so I know what the heck to do! Stop running circles around me so that I'm unable to take a step forwards and instead keep looking back. I really wish they would just cut me off for good instead of playing this game. I don't like being messed with; it hurts.

I'm numb again. I don't like this.
I feel like either crying or tearing myself apart, and both feel the exact same way.
That's my biggest weakness, you know. My need for pain due to this self-hatred I can't shake. It destroys my will and perseverance, and lets in everything that can hurt me, because apparently my subconscious has a deathwish.
I really, really can't take this.
I spent all my life finding myself, and now that I know who I am, I don't have the means to BE me.
It's the most painful thing I've ever experienced.

Discovery, light and creation... that's all I live for now.
Now that I can see my future (thanks to being a dude), I keep having odd daydreams where I'm traveling from place to place in the world, never staying in one spot for too long, and doing what I can to help and inspire those I meet in the meantime.
I really don't like being in one place. It's why I won't get an apartment right now-- I'd be paying a couple hundred each month for a room I'd only sleep in. Heck, if I could sleep on park benches without fear for my safety I'd do it. At heart I'm a wanderer; I'm the brother who rolled his boulder to the top of the mountain. I have this driving need to reach out to everyone and everything, and the thought that I'm stuck here within these four walls with the entire world outside is sometimes too much to bear.
It's also why, when I have neither transportation nor business for the day-- once again, like 95% of my time in Utah-- I spend as much time as possible asleep. Dreams are the closest thing I have to both travel and self-honesty... pretty sad how my ideal life only exists as a phantom right now.
The day starts, the day ends, time crawls by... haha, not quite.
...Then again... geez, here comes another ton of pain.

I've managed to lift my mood a tiny bit but now I feel crushingly guilty for it. If I'm to be forgiven, I need to do penitence, but how? It's maddening.
I'm terribly sorry for the person I've become, but words won't change anything.

My therapist is calling again on Monday. Wish me luck.