prismaticbleed | may 15 2016

Tonight feels like the war on gluttony is finally over.
You know how, early this year, out of the blue, Julie sensed the shift in life and flat-out declared one night that the war on the hackers was "finally over" after at least a solid decade? Like after ten years of nonstop hell, it ceased practically overnight. And we all felt that shift, and once it happened, we could not go back, thank God. It was really, truly over. That's what this feels like.

We've been struggling, awfully, for about… 7 months now? Since our brother moved back in. We weren't able to cope at first and we crashed back into old addictions and the first 3-4 months were hell on earth but now… over time, that hell deteriorated. We never gave up. We kept turning our eyes to heaven, even if we were only awake to do so for barely an hour per day, if that. We were gone for weeks at a time for several instances, you know that. But the point is… the past 100 days of Lent and Easter have been hard work and suffering and stumbling and horrid sins and crushing contrition and trying again, and trying again, and trying again… relearning old lessons, relearning to listen, being braver, sacrificing more, loving others more, giving more, treating our own self with more care and less indulgent abuse… and at the end of it, here at Pentecost, it feels like it's finally ended. Like we were suddenly and totally yanked out of hell itself.

It's… it's tentative, at first, like when the hackers disappeared. The first week or two are going to feel shaky, probably, as we adjust to the sudden but profoundly relieving absence of abuse and addiction and agony. We need to plant new seeds, good seeds, in the ridges carved into the earth of our soul by all that ignorance and pain. That's the key: avoid ALL triggers for sin, avoid everything that may trigger a bad alter, and if we cannot, then pray fervently and stay rooted firmly in God and headspace and for heaven's sakes call someone upstairs to pray with you too. Lately, the ONLY thing keeping me from being shoved out in public by one of the sinfully self-indulgent alters is my asking Infinitii to ghost with me, and we talk/pray together, and ze keeps me aware of who I am, of the virtues I want to keep shining in my heart, of what is right and what I need to do and SHOULD do, not what any evil programming is trying to force me to do through zoning-out and blurriness and robotic compulsion. It can be tricky, but we can win this. If tonight holds as much profound promise as it feels, then we have won this, through God's unfathomable mercy, at long last. Every moment leading up to this played its purpose, absolutely. But I hope it’s over. I hope those sinful hellish addiction days are over for good.
The message I'm getting is basically "they will be, if you cease to restart them." I understand that. Lord, help our human weakness. You know my/our spirit is sobbing with the desire to be free of it, with abject fear of our darker nature, which is so loud and brutal in demanding its desires be met, even if NONE of us want it… and the response I'm getting now is "do not fear; nothing is stronger than God; call upon Him and His Spirit and He will help you. Call upon the Blessed Mother and her Son and they will help you. Just be faithful, and obey in love, for they love you and will never delude you."
It's tough to put this into words when fear still hovers, and when we're so tired. But rest assured, I get the message in my heart, and all I need is to pray for strength, for humility, for innocence and purity of heart and intention… more than anything, I just need strength, to stand up to those vices and be virtuous instead, to choose the Light no matter how dark it may be around me, to be brave in love and obedience to God no matter how unsure or scared I may feel. I need fortitude.
…And there's another call to work on Dream World in this new light, I think. We have been seeing a lot of dandelions lately, so that sentiment has been subtly playing in our mind for weeks now in any case. Funny how God works with this stuff. (I adore it. I miss being tuned into it as much as we used to be. But that can be healed too.)

There's so much I need to write about, concerning our spiritual re-awakening as of late, but we've been doing so much reading we haven't had the time to type. I don't want to speak out of pride either; it's easy to fall into programming-modes that echo the dead timelines when we type, if I'm not being very humble and conscious about every word. So I want to be sure of that.

I do need to sleep, it's almost 1am and that's not wise. Good night everyone, I love you.