090713

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

Logged into Aywas this morning and this is what Xero had to say.

Maybe I should leave the past behind. Forgetting it was not enough because it is still here with me. No matter where I go, there are still feelings clinging to this empty shell... I hate that I cannot remember anything. It is probably worse than knowing what was bothering me. Now I feel like my emotions are against me because I do not even know what is wrong.

That's very relevant, I'd say.

In other news, my therapist is apparently reading the archives from 2010 and, hilariously, I am absolutely mortified at that fact.
I have no idea who "drove" at that time period in life, but it wasn't me, and it's both embarrassing and often humiliating to read what they had to say back then. Yeesh. At least they're not around anymore.

Headspace is still gone, Boss is still protecting me from hacks (tons of near misses over the past few days-- he sticks around when I'm semi-conscious now and refuses to let me slip for a second, thanks man!) which is an absolute blessing, and the spiritual expo is in two weeks so I'm looking forward to that. Yes I am probably going this time! I know that I still have a major block in the energy center in my stomach, which I've apparently been dealing with for years, so my set goal for that weekend is to figure out if anyone can aid with that, and if so, how! Until then I will work on it on my own, of course... BUT NOT OBSESSIVELY! Remember how I used to get so overwhelmed with the fine points of that spiritual stuff that I'd end up exhausted, depressed, angry and with almost no self-confidence? It was just making it worse! I put all my personal power outside myself, into those other people, and it wore me out. So at MUM I will only look for pointers. No 100% "I will do whatever you say" like I'm so used to doing.
Did you know I still hold, somewhat, my childhood belief that "I must sacrifice all my personal needs and wants for the sake of the family?" Still! And I mean that's fine in moderation-- you need to put other people before yourself of course-- but you have to be respectful of your own health too. I haven't exactly been doing that! My self-worth has, oddly, become so rooted in "how well I can serve other people" that my anxiety is through the roof subconsciously. I wander around the house nonstop until my grandmother goes to bed at 6PM, because as long as she's awake "I can't do ANYTHING unless she tells me to." Which explains why I stay up until 2AM almost every night now. "My" day doesn't even start until 6PM now, because until then I am living every second according to the orders I am given. And when I have no orders, when my grandparents tell me "do what you want to do," I kind of freak out because "but I want to do what YOU want me to do!" That's because if I don't, then I feel selfish and horrid and manipulative. "How dare you work on your foolish art projects when there's housework you could be doing!" That sort of thing.
So I still give myself absolutely no credit, no time, no value, no appreciation for the few things I enjoy. Hence, "I have no interests." I feel that personal interests are "selfish" in the cruel sense, like by having my own opinions and likes, I am consciously destroying those of others. Like if I say I like the color red, but someone else says "eh, I prefer blue," IMMEDIATELY I think "oh no I've hurt them by not having the same favorite color of them!" And I berate myself for being so "damaging." Bla bla bla. You get the picture! It's silly and I really don't know where it started, but I'm aware of it, and I NEED to figure out a new way to think.

That's my main goal right now. "Figure out a healthier way to think in those situations." And don't try so hard either.
I want to open art commissions to buy food, as my bank money is going for more surgery and therapy, but that old part of my head keeps saying "Art is a waste of time! Other people need the money more than you! You're not talented enough to draw for other people! You're cheating them out of THEIR food money!!"
So it's difficult when I can't think of any rebuttal to that. Right now, those accusations make sense to me, mostly. And so I feel guilty for drawing.
THAT NEEDS TO STOP!! All the League Worlds rely on me to share their stories with this world. I'm trying, but.. it's tricky, now.
What with all the spiritual stuff this body has been doing for years, somehow I've lost interest in creativity? Like "what's the use? In the big picture, your silly stories don't matter." And then the ones like Mage Angels, where there's a lot of pain-- I can't change that, it's how it happened!-- all of a sudden I don't want to work with them anymore, for that same spiritual reason. "You should not think of pain and sadness. Let go of that. Stop giving attention to it."
So, what do I do? Do I abandon everything I've ever written because, unfortunately, there's suffering in it? I didn't choose that! It's like my life, I suffered in the past, but I refuse to acknowledge it because "that's over, let go, the pain isn't real."
And then I log into a random website and I hear "I do not even know what is wrong."

There's a fine, fine line between "letting go and forgetting" and "ignoring and denying." I can't see that line yet.
All I know is that, if pain and suffering are fake, then doesn't that mean all my experiences of those things were fake too?
If so, would it be right to therefore not pay attention to the pain and worry that still appears here and there?
I'm so used to ignoring wounds until they heal on their own, that I don't know what to do when they scar permanently.

It's weird. Maybe my therapist can help me with this, because I honestly have NO IDEA what the right perspective is here.

I mean, if headspace is dead, and the past is forever gone, why should I pay any attention to what happened during that time period? It doesn't apply to me! Heck, I don't even know what was going on in this life two months ago! I see no reason why I should dig up that stuff just to feel fake pain again. That's silly.
I've considered just quitting therapy, since my "problems" don't actually exist, but something says that's not actually a good idea. Like I'm not seeing straight.

Aaagh I'm not going to think about this anymore. Sorry, I'm not supposed to write about myself, it's confusing. See you!