prismaticbleed | getting better

I understand that the last few entries may have seemed somewhat upsetting (if only for me; that was some heavy stuff), but they needed to happen, and I am incredibly thankful that they did. Yesterday was terribly stressful for me, and quite frightening, but I think it was the first big event in the series of changes beginning in my life now. It pushed me in a direction I hadn't considered taking before and I think it was worth it. Rough, but worth it! I'm learning to just surrender and trust in God to carry things through. That's the best way to do it.
It feels a little unusual to be so worry-free and present that tomorrow is completely clear and open-- I'm not projecting or expecting, and it feels like a big crystal bubble. I have no idea what it will bring! It's exciting and it's still a little scary, but I'll get over that. I have nothing to fear, after all. Ever.
Being able to smile again, being able to be, calm and aware of this greater purpose within all things, is amazing. I've never been able to genuinely 'lighten up' like this before, I don't think. It was always fake or shallow. Now I can feel the difference, that there is a significance to my joy. I'm still fighting off shadows, sure, but I'm being given a lot of help and all I need to do is stop being afraid and accept it!

I fought a tree today, and the tree won! Actually I went picking apples and ended up with big scratches up and down both arms, as I had to climb up the trees and ended up getting quite tangled, but it was worth it. Saint Michael told me to go outside, so there I was! And later I accidentally dropped a large metal tamper on my foot, and even later I sliced my thumb open while making dinner. So I got beat up today, haha. But I don't mind. I actually miss getting scraped and bruised up like I used to as a kid. It makes me feel more alive, to be out there and active and then to come home with battle scars of a positive sort for once...

I'm tired of putting off commissions so once I get some stuff on eBay I'll be opening those. I need to keep creating. It's why I was put here, I think. I was put here to bring love and light to others through my work, to open the eyes and hearts of others to the truth and beauty within their own souls. I know I can do it. I have utmost faith that I will be able to communicate that divine purpose through what I do. It's all I've ever wanted to do, ever. And so I will do it.

By the way, tomorrow I plan to write up a post about the spiritual expo I attended this past weekend. It was so inspiring, so thought-provoking and so validating I can barely fathom it. It felt like the first step of a new journey. So you'll hear about that soon.
Also, Q just got back to me with the explanation for the Tarot reading he did for me last weekend, and as fate would have it, it gave me an incredible amount of guidance in light of what's been going on lately. There was a huge focus on creativity, purpose, and especially love... love, more than anything. I'm going to re-read it again a few times, and write down the key points for immediate reference, because I can't possibly forget those truths even for a second right now.

About that. I've been working hard over the past 24 hours or so to ground myself more, and be more aware of who I am on a daily basis. For extra help, I picked up The Power of Now this afternoon, after not having read it for about a week, and guess what? The chapter I had left off on gave me the exact advice I was looking for. Go figure.
So I will talk to Chaos tonight about this, just to calm my heart at this point. Both of ours, really. And I want to thank him for not being afraid to confront me like that, because I needed it. I honestly did. I am sorry for hurting him with how disconnected I've been, especially with how he's suffered from that in the past, and I will do everything in my power to never let that happen again.
...I know I've said it a billion times, but I love Chaos more than I can say. I love him. I love him with every spark of light in my heart and soul and I'd love him even if he didn't love me back. The fact that he does is beyond words. What we have is unfathomable in such a limited language.
These words speak the truth and I can feel that in them, and yet no words will ever do this justice. The only thing that can ever express our love in its entirety, the only thing that can ever give voice to this blessed devotion, is how I feel when I'm with him... how we feel, together. That goes beyond everything. That is everything.

I seriously need to get some sleep so I'll close up on that honest note.
I have some big changes ahead of me, and it's going to be tough, but I'll get through it. I promise you that.