dead and dying

[prismaticbleed]

my soul has been corrupted here.

I realized it tonight. we were thinking of how much we missed going to church, going to eucharistic adoration, singing in the choir… and that STUPID BRAINLESS SOCIAL MODE THAT WAS BUILT FOR NC started thinking "no, no I don’t miss that" SHUT UP YOU NEVER EXPERIENCED IT YOU SELFISH WITCH

I hate this romance junk. I hate this relationship thing except I don’t and we really do care for OV but I'm sorry I just CANT STAND THIS SIMPERING ACT HE DOES SOMETIMES "are you okay" "I love you" "come be close to me" what the heck this is the SAME BLOODY THING Q DID they were both wonderful good people but we painted ugly ugly lying false pictures of them because we HATED this touchy feely hell and they did nothing wrong. they did nothing wrong.

my family
we miss our family so agonizingly much oh dear god we miss them so much
BUT OV thinks THEY'RE evil too because we've LIED. we've LIED and said horrible untrue toxic whiny cruel things about them for months and I am so gut-wrenchingly sorry I deserve to do all the penance in the world for this and I WANT TO.

I want to move back home. I want to move back in with my grandma and my mom and my brothers and I miss my dad and I miss grandpa, oh dear god he died, he's GONE, while I was out here in this NIGHTMARISH NORTH CAROLINA HELLHOLE what the heck am I even doing with my life, with our life, oh god, oh god I want to go home

I'm so sad it's making me sick. this is every single night now. every single night. every night

ten days. ten days left, just about. then we can finally go home. and we can start over, and we can be good, and we can be with family, and we can rest and sleep and relax and live and be happy WITHOUT this boy breathing down our neck because he loves us but we CAN'T DO A SINGLE THING WITHOUT HIM AND IT'S DRIVING US INSANE.
I just want to be alone again. alone with the family. alone in the house. alone and doing productive hands-on community service things but RESTING WHEN WE WANT and not having to be shackled to some "relationship" that's too close, too suffocating, to controlling, I can't stand this anymore

I want to go home and we're going home no matter what it takes but right now we just have to decide whether or not we're staying.
we have to go through our things. which clothes we want to keep. which papers we want to keep. everything else, we leave here.
I want to live out of a suitcase but I have too many stupid attachments to material things like books and plushies and I want to sob because I HATE THIS I want to just… go home, go home forever, I don't want to come back here, I don't want to do this anymore

I'm so tired. what do we do. what do we do.

we have to be there for grandma. until she dies. however long she stays with us I swear we WILL BE THERE NO MATTER WHAT. nothing matters more than her. that's the bottom line.

I want to stay for the snow, for christmas. god help me I am NOT going back into that subtropical hellscape when I could have cold weather and frost and heaven on earth. never again. never again, no heartless north carolina excuses for winters.

I'm tired
he's back inside I have to go
god I hate this so much I'm sorry

see you soon mom
thanks for never giving up on us
we love you. I swear.
we're coming home.