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[prismaticbleed]

what in the world am I feeling about reading tbas's entries.

every time they mention me-- or rather, who I "was"-- it's somehow bitter. talking about how I wounded them, how I betrayed them, how they and I both "died" last year, how they "deserve better than what I did to them," etc.

I don't hate them; I'm not angry at them. but there's this horrible sadness of sorts in me from it?

we cannot be friends, not truly. not with our massively differing views on morality. that's the huge wall between us.



it's… dissonance.

it's reading about how they is so happy, how they're in love again, how their system is all in love, how they are apparently healing and growing and bettering themselves.

and amidst all that, talking about how terrible I was to them. how they are glad it's over. how they'd never want us back in their life. how there's this sort of vindication in it.

and yet, how they still says "[we're] beautiful" and that they "love us" and that they "hope we find peace."

it feels… jarring.

because I have found peace. I have found God. and yet they consider that insanity.

they sees my "system" as beautiful but not my faith, it seems. not my struggles to become truly moral and faithful.

and they claim they loves me-- and I don't doubt they do-- but it's that uncomfortable sort of response, of hearing "I love you, and therefore I want you to be different than you are now.” them feelings of love trapped on an old, false image of me.

if they met me now, if they had never met me before now, and knew me only as I am now-- as someone struggling with past sins and falsehoods and wrongdoing, as someone still struggling with sin, but who is pouring their entire heart and soul into their faith in response, into serving Christ, into the joy of that, of Scripture and prayer and contrition and laying my heart on His altar over and over again, weeping with hope-- if they saw me now, would they love me?

something sickened inside me says no, probably not. they'd pity me. they'd think I was "pretty" perhaps, but shake them head at my religion.



I think that's why I'm so sad.

the true me, the "me" reborn in Christ, is to them a lie. to them, I'm insane. I'm broken. I'm lost. to them, the "real me" is the "system" that lived in blatant shocking sin for a year with them, blinded by indulgent self-love, thinking that was true love, when in reality it was not.

disturbed because there was still caring and compassion and joy and yet in hindsight it all feels so hollow. how do I respond to that?



I cannot reconcile how they is apparently feeling now, with how I felt living with them, as them almost, and with how they are living now.

the fact that they is so happy, and thriving, and joyful, and yet they see nothing wrong with their sexual immorality, and their infidelity to religion…

but they're a better person than me.

I want to say they don't lie or steal, but they do, and admitted that to me openly. but who I am I to judge. I too have lied and stolen and I hate it.

do they? can they "hate" those sinful qualities in their heart? or will they try to "love them away" with the false love of daemons, that terrifyingly convincing farce of the devil that I fell victim to for years?

they believe their body and soul are innocent, are incapable of being evil. they do not believe in sin, I don't think. and they're so happy.



that's terrifying, to me. it makes me feel very very sick. it makes me wonder if I'm doing something truly sinful instead, to not be happy, to instead be hyperaware of my flaws and sins and grievous errors.



and yet they are wanting to knit things for homeless shelters. and they were always so nice to me.

that makes them a "good person," right?



"no one is good but God." mark 10:18.



found this.

"…although he had devoted himself to keeping the commandments, he had failed to keep the first and greatest of the commandments—love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. The man’s riches were of more worth to him than God, and thus he was not "good" in the eyes of God… Jesus’ fundamental lesson theme is that goodness flows not from a man’s deeds, but rather from God Himself. Jesus invites the man to follow Him, the only means of doing good by God’s ultimate standard. Jesus describes to the young ruler what it means to follow Him—to be willing to give up everything, thus putting God first."



I need to meditate on that. maybe that'll be my Bible study tomorrow.

( I love Bible study so much; the thought of meditating on God forever makes me weep with JOY)

but… that's scary, to me. the fact that someone can indeed be "good" in the eyes of the world, and YET, if they don't put God first, they AREN'T TRULY "GOOD."



I'm not "good" yet. no. every time I sin I am bad, bad bad bad. every time I fall victim to sin and gluttony, to judgment, to pride, to anger… I am BAD. every time I lie or steal or connive or do something equally disgustingly selfish and sinful. I want to throw up just thinking about it. the fact that I CAN and HAVE done such atrocious things. I want to cry forever and rip out my hair wailing in sorrow.



does tbas ever feel that way?

I guess that's what scares me. I could never be truly their friend unless I knew that they did. and I don't think they can, with their worldview.

so when I see them doing kind and good things, and yet I know that they do not see themself as a sinner, even so, that hurts my brain and frightens me.



I don't know. that's all I can say for tonight. I'm realizing how bad I've been and how bad I was to them and I want to cry. I have to beg forgiveness. I have to admit it all, type it all out, beg forgiveness from God, heal, grow, learn, move closer to God.



right now I have to sleep and cry.

being a Christian is full of sorrow.

but where is my hope? where is my joy?

my hope and my joy are in the Lord, who made heaven and earth, who sent His only begotten Son to die for me and take away my sins… who loves me and loved me even when I was lost and drowning and blind in sin. he died for me then, even then, to SAVE me from sin, and call me home.

yes I'm an ugly wretched horrible sinner. I'm disgusting and filthy and worthless.

but I cannot despair. I cannot give in to that trick of the devil.

God, Jesus, is calling me to repentance, to lay my sins before Him so he can wash them away, and teach me to walk in the Light.

I need to lay those sins before him, truly. to let go of them, and be TRULY SORRY, and let Him hopefully in His great mercy forgive me and wash me clean of them.

but I cannot stop weeping. God console my poor wrecked heart. I have been so bad. I KEEP DOING BAD THINGS. I can't handle it.



God help me.

I need to sleep. I need to pray. these tears have purpose.

Jesus, into your hands I commend my wretched spirit. please, do with me as you will, but please, have mercy on my poor soul. I am naught but a worthless sinner but deep down in my heart of hearts I love you, for you first loved me, and allowed me to feel that love in return in the first place. without you I am nothing. please, do not abandon me, but call me ever closer to yourself, to your Divine Heart, so that I may learn how to please you, as well as any human possibly can in their poor fallen state.

Lord, help me. help me. I cannot do anything without you. I am so sad. HELP me. please. please I don't know what question to ask even but I beg the Holy Spirit to have mercy and intercede for me. hear the mourning and wailing of my poor wretched broken heart, and please heal me in a way that will serve Your greater good purposes. may thy will be done, and don't let me be a hypocrite.

bend me to your will. make me your suffering joyful servant. wrench me away from the jaws of sin. bind me to you forever. enslave me to your love. free me from the yoke of sin and pull me to yourself. you are all I want, dear God, even if that makes me sound like a liar. please. I could cry forever. I should cry forever. I am such a hypocrite and stupid sinful wretch. I love you, I want to be with you, I adore you, and yet I sin!!!! what is that???? it's hypocrisy. it's nauseating. I want to throw up. I can't stand sinning anymore. I could die from it. I AM dying from it.



God, Lord, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit, save me. please.

I have nothing left in this world but you, and I want nothing more but you.

please. save me in your merciful love.

teach me, chance me, move me. help me to truly love you, as you want me to love you, as I should love you. help me to obey your every word and command, and inspire others to do the same. help me to truly love you. help me to love. amen.



goodnight.