prismaticbleed | dessert

Why in the WORLD do I keep getting these STUPID EMPTY TEMPTATIONS for goodies??????? Especially donuts and cheesecake. I DON'T EVEN LIKE THEM.
WHY.WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING.

I really, really need to feel this out, before it destroys me, medically and financially AND spiritually.

Let's start with the cheesecake. When did that start? I can't remember the first time I ever ate it, let alone why. But within the past year, I decided to "try some for the first time" in memory, "because people LIKE cheesecake."
It's all ultimately that stupid, stupid thought process of "other people like it, therefore I should too." THAT'S HOW THE DEVIL GETS YOU, YOU DUMMY!!!! This is the devil's world and if you're going by majority vote that's probably going to be a devilish choice!!!! Remember, GOD HAS CONQUERED THE WORLD and His Kingdom is in direct opposition TO the kingdom of this world. SO STOP TRYING TO ADHERE TO IT.

But nevertheless, there's that mental "craving" for cheesecake, except it's not a craving because ultimately I am totally indifferent to cheesecake.
I bought some at Wal-Mart today, to eat. New York style, strawberry, and turtle. And even in typing that I am filled with boiling self-loathing destructive FURIOUS RAGE and I want to DESTROY SOMETHING, ideally whatever asinine stupidity in my head wants to talk about and eat cheesecake.
It's a salvific fury. It wants to annihilate those sinful stupid impulses. Good. Let it. Please.
…Except the anger of men does not serve the purposes of God. Is this the anger of men? Or is this the anger of God, towards sinful dispositions? I need to discern this.
I feel it is a righteous anger. It is a fury towards that which separates me from God. BUT it is impure. Part of that anger is an urge to annihilate me. THAT part is the "anger of men," the part that would not hesitate to strangle and throttle me in pure hatred of my idiocy, equating me with my moral failure, the reality of which is so disgusting that this angry side of me cannot cope with its existence and so seeks to end it ASAP.

It's empty, the food. It's always empty. It is NEVER worth it.
The cheesecake, the donuts, the cannoli, the cookies, the bars, ALL of it.. it's garbage. It's embarrassing, it's humiliating, it's nauseating, it's disgusting, it's foolish, it's stupid, it's empty, empty empty EMPTY.
The Word of God is far sweeter, ALWAYS, and every time I buy that bakery garbage I end up in deep regret, as the experience takes a few minutes and then leaves a hole, not even a comprehensive memory. I can never remember, let alone understand, what it all tastes like, let alone why I should even care. And frankly I shouldn’t. If I were to die tomorrow, who gives a crap whether or not I know what Dunkin Donuts Boston Crème tastes like? Written down, its idiocy is apparent, blindingly so.
Instead, I would love to sit and read my Bible. I would love to do Scripture study, or read some devotions, or listen to some sermons… THAT lasts, THAT registers, THAT is full and sweet and beautiful and good and memorable. Dessert junk never is. And I need to CONSTANTLY remind myself of this evident and unchangeable truth.

If I were to die tomorrow, would I even care about dessert? If I were living in a war zone, would I be so preoccupied with whether or not I could get a donut tomorrow? No. No. It's stupid, this strange and hellish sudden obsession. But it will pass. It will pass away and die, for it is false, and sinful, and stupid, and selfish, and I am BEGGING GOD to continue to help me annihilate it AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Literally rip it out of me if you have to. Please.
I know he does so through external circumstances and sometimes that can be literal purgatory. It's still fire, but it's purifying, and it hurts and it's terrifying but thank God for it. Because it will BURN AWAY ALL THAT KEEPS ME FROM GOD.
I just wish God could literally annihilate the desire point blank, cold turkey. And I KNOW that he CAN. I just have to have FAITH in it!!

But yeah. This hellish dessert vice is robbing me of my health, peace, family, finances, and life in general. It is STUPID but for some reason it is also one HECK of a pair of shackles. I think it's just the devil. Because I know that I don't want this stuff! Truly, deep down, if I feel the motivation, IT'S NOT MINE.
THAT is something I MUST remember, too. Wal-Mart is hell for my brain. So far, I ALWAYS end up dissociating in there and doing idiotic things. So, I should NEVER GO IN THERE ALONE OR UNSUPERVISED!!! That's the Godly choice.
And already I feel the devil sraeming. "NO!!! I want to get cheesecake!! I can't buy it if they're watching me!!" And why not? Because IT'S WRONG.
AND I DON'T WANT ANY CHEESECAKE. I had some today and yeah it's good but it's EMPTY "PLEASURE." IT'S GARBAGE AND I CAN EASILY AND HAPPILY LIVE WITHOUT IT. It does NOTHING for me and I DO NOT WANT TO WASTE MY MONEY ON THAT GARBAGE THAT GIVES YOU TEN SECONDS OF "ENJOYMENT" AND THEN ENDS UP VOMITED BACK UP INTO THE TOILET. LEAVE ME ALONE.

It's a daily war. I can feel it even now. But I refuse to give up. I refuse to give in. EXCEPT I CANNOT DO IT ALONE. The only reason I've been losing is because I keep forgetting to PRAY and TURN TO GOD in those circumstances of war and temptation and literal demonic attacks. I need to implore Mary's help, and Jesus's help, and my guardian angel's help, and the beloved Holy Spirit's help. I MUST turn to them because guess what? I'm human, I'm sinful, I'm powerless! I WILL lose to the devil if I try to do this alone because I'M WEAK and ONLY GOD CAN WIN. But GOD WILL WIN. And so I must throw myself at His holy feet and beg for deliverance from this awful parasitic screaming sugar-poisoned addiction and HE WILL DELIVER ME. I must simply trust and persevere with utmost love and faith. That is key.
But He WILL free me. I know He will, for His glory. I must simply turn to Him, and ask, and believe, and obey. I swear I will do all that I can, by His Grace. Holy Spirit, fill me with that Grace, and Your Love, so that I can live EVERY moment for Your Glory and gratitude and adoration.

I am really tired so I'm going to close this up for tonight and resume the Good Fight tomorrow. Thank you, God, for this new chance, every morning. Please guide me. Please do not lose patience with me, or crush me in your anger at my sin. I am terribly sorry, genuinely sorry, and I beg for your mercy and forgiveness. I have sinned abominably in my selfish ignorance and disobedience and apathy and addictive behavior and I admit this freely. I am ashamed, and disgusted, and heartbroken at my sins, and I beg of you, prevent me from falling into sin tomorrow. I feel the war screaming in my heart already and I am terrified. But I must turn to you and weeping, beg for your deliverance, for Your glory. I swear, I love you, and all I want is to please you. Please, God, help me. I love you. Even if my dumb actions seem to say otherwise. That's why I want to stop being so stupid. I want my life to be a living testimony to You and Your Goodness. I want to abandon myself, my will, and my actions and thoughts to You alone. Please, purify my heart, so that I will be filled with devotion to You and the
peace that comes with such childlike loving obedience. In Jesus's name I pray, Amen!!