122522

[prismaticbleed]

merry christmas

sang midnight mass. felt like i was going to die from how sick the body was. still did it.
got home for 130
sleep at 230

awake at 7am for more masses
830 & 1030 at our church, really lovely

went to noon at the oblates
...the guitar guy was up front playing.
we froze. he was the one who we first saw at the mass we went to on easter, instead of staying home with grandma.
legit almost left the church. "triggered" what a stupidass word but we felt it, like a freight train slamming into our lungs
very bravely sang along with him. no one else really did. maybe we weren't supposed to. don't care
it was a huge effort of forgiveness. needed to.

at the end of mass two little kids came up (like TINY kids, how old is that??? two??) with a LITTLE BIRTHDAY CAKE for the baby Jesus and of course father had the whole church sing "happy birthday" to Jesus. he's such a sweetheart he's this old italian grandpa dude and everyone loves him. but geez those little kids and the cake, what a pure gesture of love, it meant so much to see.

got home for like... 2pm i think
didn't eat lunch until 4PM GEEZ thank God we packed a tiny breakfast for church
still. starving and no sleep. body so sick and weak and tired.


mom wanted us up the house for the evening
god we wanted to cry
we are so sick of that house we don't want to go

phone photo shows we apparently packed our own food but she still had us eat half of hers
i don't remember anything all i remember is we got sick and threw up again and wanted to die
got home for like 9pm as usual and just... collapsed

morning was beautiful, evening was hell
so so so tired of spending time with family just want to cut them off and be quiet we're so overwhelmed
but that's so rude and mean
where do we draw the line what do we do, every time we go up that house we BURN OUT

don't even think we did much with headspace today
i am so sorry

still.
at the end of it all i was able to go to sleep physically alone and with everyone upstairs
quiet and safe and solitude
and that means so much.

it snowed too
that's always a promise of hope

no matter how hellish my personal life may be
christmas is still undefeatable joy
and the assurance of salvation
thank god for that
thank god

jesus is born and no matter how much evil wages war against him
it has already lost
honestly man rejoice
this depressing stress-hell is not forever
but that little child in the manger is

it's going to be okay.