prismaticbleed

woken up today at 9AM by the EXTERMINATOR HELLO
completely unannounced. knocking on door shocked us out of sleep.
basically said "hey man we need to spray the apartment, can you leave asap and come back in like three hours?"
uh okay sure bro, so that is what we did

went to THREE churches

first, adoration at SHJ.
SOCIAL MODE TRIGGER because there was ONE OTHER PERSON so the "focus" was ON ME. not diffused. bizarre. but hey learning screwy brain mechanics
paid candle envelope btw. grandma getting the tabernacle candle for divine mercy sunday. fitting.

went to olomc for mass.
what was the homily? why were we so fuzzy-brained?

driving to oblates
TWO TRAINS blocked our way. wondering "is this God chastising us for going to mass" OR "is this the devil trying to stop us" HOW CAN WE TELL.
listening to homily on radio. something he said hit hard. see if you can find it online
got there for eucharist
peg was there! couldn't talk but waved, haven't seen her in months
stayed to say eternal rests, only left when father js politely indicated that they were closing up for the triduum

went to sje to say chaplet, but they too were prepping the church
went downstairs to chapel area, prayed there instead

home for 215
put all the fans on. apartment still vaguely smelled bizarre. unsettling to not have that "security" over own living space, like you cannot control the very basics. but that's greatly humbling, and so a cross, and we accept it.
so dissociated though. too much too fast in one morning. could barely think.
no memory of bk prep. don't think anyone could front through the fog and autopilot. do remember everyone was worried about me.

by the time we ate it was 4pm
mimic insisting we read about judas for bible study.
did my best. brain a total wreck though.

had to leave for last mcttf meeting
left early but he wasnt there yet
so WANDERED DOWNSTAIRS a bit. like we used to, over 20 years ago now. shocked at how different it feels now from when we were a kid: as "crystal" we were fearless and investigative, like a spy, and we loved that feeling of danger, of risk and stealth. now we're terrified of every possible doom, of getting caught or trapped or killed. why??
went back upstairs. prayed a bit in front of the tabernacle. people in back for confession so social mode kicked in AGAIN. could barely think straight. left after like 5 minutes as no genuine prayer was possible in that state
went and stood by the door to the conference room, waiting. reading max lucado as i did so, "six hours one friday." struck by how uniquely he writes. gotta be careful though, there's some weird non-doctrinal stuff in here for "creative license" and that is the #1 thing i honestly cannot stand about non-catholic christian literature. there's too much conjecture and "fanfiction" type writing. dude if you're not recounting some mystic vision that's been thoroughly investigated by the bishop i don't want to hear what "could have happened." that confuses my brain way too much, then we get too tangled up between scripture and secular memory.
don't mean to sound harsh. no insults intended. lucado has a great style. we're just very jarred by his interjections of dramatic bible-based "stories" that leave a bad taste in our mouth.
on that note, type sometime about how existentially disturbing it is to NOT have the "typical christian attitude" that we see EVERYWHERE, even in these books. there's a certain vocabulary, a certain manner of speech, a certain dress even, that "identifies" you as part of the "christian group." and we cannot seem to force ourself into it. which is scary. does that mean we're a fake?
people in church like to joke WAY too often about "what would you do if someone walked in here with piercings and tattoos? what would you think?" and the old folks exchange scandalized glances and chiding laughter and rolling eyes. meanwhile i'm sitting there silent with this altar veil hiding our buzzcut and thinking "friends if you only knew who was sitting in this pew with you..."
realizing laurie would unironically walk into a church looking exactly as she does at any given moment, both hilarious and heartwarming. she'd probably bring scalpel along for equally faithful shock value haha

some notes from the mcttf meeting:
"Do you want to know what goes on in the core of the Trinity? I will tell you. In the core of the Trinity the Father laughs and gives birth to the Son. The Son laughs back at the Father and gives birth to the Spirit. The whole Trinity laughs and gives birth to us. All things love God."
imagining everyday life, seeing mary & jesus, AS people, what would you see in their faces if you didn't know? after the annunciation, that secret shift of all history, how did mary's face change? when people saw jesus as a child, what did they feel? etc.
Aquinas theory of The Trinity & HUMAN BEINGS parallel = PURE HEADSPACE. "Augustine argues that self-love and self-knowledge are grounded not in fleeting external impressions but in self-evident realities... he can see a basic triad of memory, understanding and will. “Now this triad of memory, understanding and will, are not three lives, but one; not three minds but one. It follows that they are not three substances but one substance.” But although these are “one essence”, they are three inasmuch as they are related to one another. “Therefore, since all are covered by one another, singly and as wholes, the whole of each is equal to the whole of each and the whole of each to the whole together. And these three constitute one thing, one life, one life, one mind, one essence”
that homily about lent & heaven= "i really did care about the peanut butter"
conversion story, judging this not based on rote learning but on honest character= "then you're a catholic"
etc.

got home for 815?
dinner for 9pm
again, so blurry headed don't remember prep

archiving 2011 xangas until almost 4am
listening to contemporary classical, making dissociation worse admittedly.
laurie is furious with me but i feel so sick and dead in this bloated body. this is helping me cope.
so tired of the vanity struggle. but don't want to "give in and give up" either.
gotta try to exercise again after easter, see if it still triggers the dyspnea. if it does then we need to see a doctor about this and figure something out. we can't be this sedentary. the dysmorphia alone is killing me. i feel so stupid saying that, but it's true. why is it so disturbing?
i'll tell you why: bcause there is NO NERVE RESPONSE in the fat. it is an artificial barrier between bone and bone. it is excess and terrifying

okay stop. go sleep. this will be here tomorrow

040523