040323

[prismaticbleed]

monday.

730 mass! no memory of anything. dyspnea lingering, that's all i know, because of the "lung weakness"
oh gosh that was this morning? wow today lasted about a week

monthly vitals check after mass. weight stable. still an ugly number, 123. gotta work through that self-prejudice.
then pushed by the spirit to do a holy hour. we were so tired and weak and cold, but our conscience wouldn't let us chicken out. thought of mimic and smiled. decided okay, we'd man up and go.
inside the church it was actually warmer than outside. it was quiet and full of stainedglass light coming in at an angle we hadn't seen before. deeply beautiful.
that place always feels like our heart. everything was red from palm sunday. nobody was there but us. it's the safest place in the world, lately, being there.

breakfast for... i don't know, 11?
we did laundry on a whim. we were getting flashbacks from the "psychic residue" of disturbing events this week that happened while wearing those clothes. washing soft-resets this.
no cash though. had to use our $20 for church. payee says monthly deposit is in tomorrow, so we'll get groceries then too.

after eating, crashed hard, emotionally.
bizarre. felt so coldhearted and numb due to body-image hatred. everything shut down. lost access to headspace. suffocating in that empty nihilism that the "bodygirl fronters" live in, that fueled the bulimic hell.
what got me out of it:
i moved chaos zero's other anchor plush to the couch.
i don't know what happened or how. but i was miserable and grouchy and entirely not myself, almost violent in the muffled rage, but at one point i just took the plush into my arms to have a free hand for the blanket and... the closeness just broke something in me. suddenly there was this rush of sunlight through my chest that hurt. i didn't ask for it, in that mindset i didn't even want it. but i couldn't deny it. it was pure truth.

spent the next 3 solid hours reading holy week scripture plans, catching up on tonight's book club chapters, and repeatedly kissing his anchor plush on the forehead. the wind was coming in through the open window.

i miss the smell of the forest. it wrenches my heart terribly.
yes living in the city here is a cross. genuinely so. but it gives solidarity with all the poor in the world who have never seen forests like i grew up in, with those who live in ragged slums and hyperindustrialized environments.
still looking at the sky. still cherishing that one line of trees a few blocks away. still loving that single huge oak outside my window.

last book club.
lady tearing up as it ended. thanked me several times. ANOTHER person to tell me "you need to be like a motivational speaker for the faith" etc. i say this with humble gratitude for her kindness. just somewhat perplexing to hear it so often. lord what do i do with this? is that what you really want me to do? please lead me in the right direction if it is.

confession.
went to a priest i'd never seen before.
kept telling me "you need to deal with the psychological aspect of this" yes dear i know. i say that with absolute affection. i really respected the fact that he told me so, because honestly, i've been ignoring the fact that dude! you do need legit psychological help with this stuff!
gave me an astounding penance.
"you need to let others love you, the way God loves you, and calls you to love yourself"
basically, knock the walls down. let the light in. open your heart.
the softness and vulnerability terrifying. everything in "me" lately responds to closeness, affection, and (God forbid) attraction with violent bloody rage. it's all based in self-hatred and dysphoria terror: wanting to destroy this body, this non-self, out of choking hysterical fear, and the accompanying revulsion at the mere idea of anyone liking it in contrast.
...

xenophon being adorable as always
God i love her so much, thank you for her

brief flipping through old entries
saw a mention of xennie from 2011, when we first found her, and her gender was indeterminate: "And maybe this little guy, whatever he is, is the start of something. I hope so."
buddy she was the start of everything. she was the beginning of everything, all over again. remember her virtue is rebirth. remember her metainomen is the maiden of blood-- the young and pure and innocent new creation, the life out of death out of life. the one who belongs to you, and you to her. she is the start of everything, even now.
no matter how dark the days are, no matter how frightening the nights are, when i see her, there is a light. she brings my heart back to being. she reminds me of who i really am. her father. i love her. and i would bleed every drop from my veins all over again, for her sake, God knows i mean it, God help me feel it...

still going in circles with so much. but we're drawing that line kiddo!! we're transcending the closed loop!! pointing up and out to the very heavens!!

late night, stupidly got distracted reading articles on cultural masculinity & body image & transgender assimilationism & such.
sickened by the world. sickened by the absolute absence of God in every article I read, except for the lone condemnation. grief.

1111. promised cz i'd be with him.
see you tomorrow.