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[prismaticbleed]

 
I got a very unusual fortune cookie last night.
"Emotion hinders your true self."
I reminded myself: "love isn't a feeling." Thanks Progo. Love is BEING. emotions are things like fear and anger and mania and all that garbage. Social mode. but my true self is love. remember that. all the other garbage is not.

First Tumblr post i saw this morning was:
"Self pity is ungodly. it is sin, and sin separates you from God."
...i've been feeling too much of that lately, about trauma. "why did this happen to me. why does this KEEP happening to me. why can't i escape from this stupid topic, why does it keep shoving itself back into my life, why did i have to gain weight and get ugly and whorish all over again, why am i back in this hell that i can no longer starve myself out of?" miserable, furious, weeping from rage and fear, but... emotions. self-pity. not the "true" me, and not honoring God either.
need to trust Him even in this. self-pity rumination is indeed separating me from him because then i'm not praying, i'm just hurting. i'm preoccupied with my own suffering to the point where it's blinding me. i'm so upset over the wound that i'm not focusing on healing it, not really, or helping others heal from similar wounds. and i'm not holding on to hope, when i do that. definitely a harsh but much-needed rebuke here.

Youversion Bible reflection for the day said:
If our heart feels messy and broken, psalm 34 says God is near to you.
If our heart is divided, wanting to be close to God yet resisting Him, pray psalm 139. Let God show you "what you're worshiping next to Him." Then pray psalm 86: "unite my heart." 
...gotta reflect on that first one a lot. a clarification because i'm roughly familiar with that biblical phrase: a "broken heart" in scripture means a heart crushed by the hand of God. it means that i am broken with sorrow and contrition, weeping for my sins, and keenly aware of them THROUGH the mess and shattering, which God Himself orchestrated to humble us and bring us to such an awareness. therefore, when we recognize His power in this, and our own weakness, the hope is that we would cry out to Him for help and salvation, and He is near. He is listening and waiting. a note: this only happens BECAUSE our heart is broken. it is possible to suffer and NOT have a broken heart over it! that's obstinacy and pride. but... when we are humbled, and our hearts crumble from the weight of our mistakes, we can't help but weep and look upwards. that's what this verse means.
i love psalm 139. those last two verses are a very brave prayer, very devoted. "search my heart! test me to know my true thoughts! put me through trial to reveal what is hurtful in me! then lead me in the everlasting way." but it's ASKING FOR GOLD TO BE PUT THROUGH FIRE in order to purify it. gosh i love this psalm but that is a terrifying prayer, and that's WHY i love it. i WANT to pray that always. maybe that wanting is prayer enough. at least, to start. nevertheless, i WANT God to show me the "ways of grief" in my life. and... that's what's happening lately. all this stupid obsession with relationships and trauma. of course that's an "offensive" thing in me. it's getting to be idolatrous, even-- it's taking up all my time and thought. and that scares me. i get so wrapped up in BOTH suffering and love that it apparently keeps me from God?? and that's scary. i want to be able to love, and heal, and worship God, but i keep screwing up. i don't think I know God well enough. i keep feeling like, TO worship Him, I must HATE EVERYTHING ELSE. like... no relationships, no trauma therapy, nothing. stop thinking about all that garbage. PRAY and THAT'S IT. except i'm doing something wrong, i must be. it feels so hollow and hard. no warmth or compassion at all. something is wrong. but... still. i'm still "worshiping" earthly things, putting all my focus on my relationships. i'm so ashamed. my self-hatred is getting so bad. but that's self-pity too. that's a sinful thing too. i'm very stuck and confused.
psalm 86:11. "give me an undivided heart." in other words, a "PURE heart." i want that more than anything. but a pure heart is one that fears the Lord and walks only in HIS ways. i paradoxically don't fear Him enough, and i'm terrified of Him. wrong sort of fear. not enough love. that's why i'm stupidly stuck on heartspace relationships. i know those people. why don't i know God that much? why does He feel so distant and cold and unconcerned? even with all my reading the Bible. God still feels too much like a concept. it's stupid. I KNOW He's not. i've been studying the Bible for years now, almost every single day (the hospital did throw me off), i want to continue that, and it shows me CONSISTENTLY that God is SO GOOD and so loving. but... when God becomes part of "religion," when i think of Him in the context of "worshiping Him," why does it get mangled? why then do I feel like God is some overbearing taskmaster, like a parent with a stick, waiting to beat you if you do wrong? never hugging you or getting too close because "i'm not your friend I'm your parent?" never letting you do what you want because "you're just a kid you don't know what's right?" living in self-doubt and self-loathing and desperately trying to be "good enough" but being constantly told "you're NOT good" over and over. confused. stuck in circles. and yet i think of elijah on the mountain, and king david, and abraham, and moses. all the words of God and all His love, obvious, apparent, true. clear in the scripture. yet i struggle to apply it to MY life. i need to write stuff down more, when i read it, in my own words. make it stick.
...give me an undivided heart. God how do i do that without literally throwing everything else away? do you WANT me to? is it impossible to love others AND love you? is it impossible for me to be "myself" and be a good christian? i feel like i need to annihilate my entire innerlife and personalty in order to properly worship you. but then i'm just a robot. just a machine programmed to recite certain words that "count as prayer" over and over but never feeling anything. my worship of you feels hollow, when it's so detached. i think i pray to you the best IN headspace and heartspace, WITH the people i love. but is that blasphemous? is that dividing my heart? is that a "wicked way?" what do i do?
god, help me. try me. keep trying me. i know this is scary and terrifying. but if you can show me where exactly i'm screwing everything up, then please, show me what to do to STOP ruining everyone's lives. and give me the grace TO do it because you know better than i do, i'm useless and stupid and powerless here. i can't do a single thing right. "isn't that what i'm supposed to think?" isn't that proper religious thought? even though the hospital taught me "you need to believe in yourself" and "you're so strong" and "you're so wise" and all the heartfam tells me that "kid you know what you need to do" and they have faith in my heart in the end? but religiously, no, in religion i am an asshole and a failure and a worthless wretch? i have no redeeming qualities and left to myself i am a sinful bastard? how do i reconcile the two? because yeah i KNOW i've done some HIDEOUS things in my life. i am the worst possible sinner. i really do deserve hell, i've screwed up THAT badly. but... "you love me," Jesus loves me, I hear that all the time, i KNOW it's true and yet... i've only been able to properly grasp that THROUGH headspace. i see You on the Cross and that doesn't make sense until i think about how Laurie would die for me, and has done so, BUT no one could die in such a profoundly VULNERABLE way as You did. and THEN it makes sense. THEN i understand your love, because i can feel and see the love LIKE that in my life, and when I get that then I CAN "get" what You did, taking that love to an even higher level, because we WANT to love that much but we're scared. we're not perfect. You are. but see what i mean? when you exist "in a vacuum," just something i read or was taught, i don't understand it. i can't. it's just words. but... inside things make sense.
what am i talking about. i'm sorry.
i want to worship God in ALL the aspects of my life, without becoming borderline misanthropic out of fear of "corruption from the world and the people in it." i want an undivided heart without acting like i don't need family or friends or human company at all. i want God to "test my heart" and reveal my wounds without feeling like it's a cosmic "look how disgusting you are!" echo of my upbringing. i want to feel like... well, like in headspace. when we get the guts to confront each other and work through things together. i feel too much like God shakes up my world and points a condemning finger at my biggest faults and then says "fix it." how? like with this freaking incessant sexuality problem, how do i fix THAT??? I DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS HELL. i got thrown into it and it feels like God is just... rubbing it in. "the point is to get you to not have relationships at all. just love me." but that feels so wrong. am i just being stubborn? would God REALLY put me through years of sexual trauma for the sole reason of getting me to hate intimacy so that i will ONLY care about Him? but then i can't get close to Him, because Jesus ALWAYS talks about being "the Bridegroom" and HEY LYING VOICES, IF HE SAYS THAT THEN MAKING ME TERRIFIED OF INTIMACY IS KIND OF RUINING THE WHOLE ANALOGY. so stop ficking lying to me.
i'm sorry. i'm so tired of this. i really don't know what to do. i can't talk properly right now. "emotion hinders your true self" yeah no kidding, here's proof.
next topic.


Youversion Bible study invitation today was all about godly relationships.
Too much talk about sex. I'm shaken to the core. I need to type about this but... I don't have the nerve right now.
Honestly I'm sickened. I'm so disturbed.

I'll bookmark it for later though. There's more to this Bible study topic. I'll finish it and then type about everything. That's a promise.
For now I'm just holding myself accountable. This topic disgusts me but it's haunted me since elementary school and I am so sick of it. If this is the cross God wants me to carry then I need to make sure I'm carrying it well. I need to understand what the heck I'm suffering from, and being punished for, and talking about.

...There's a lot of text i need to post and work through. I'll make that its own entry.
I'm too exhausted to type anymore right now, I'm sorry.