Good news! We've FINISHED UPLOADING THE TBHU TABLET so now we can tackle the two folders full of worksheets, haha.
This is a mentally exhausting & very triggering effort, but it's essential because this is the heavy ugly stuff we need to discuss in therapy/ continue to battle in daily life... as well as some very shockingly beautiful and bright moments that we need to remember even moreso.
But that's why we haven't been updating. Everything online has been focused on uploading, and our offline time has been pretty tragically split between grappling with family stress and fighting off the E.D. lapses those stresses inevitably trigger-- such as having to do so much out of the house that we don't get to eat breakfast until almost 8pm. This happens OFTEN. (We cannot eat "on the road" because, for unknown reasons, eating makes us confused/ dizzy/ "high" and slows our reaction/ comprehension time without fail, and this takes >2 HOURS to "wear off" enough to function again. This happened DAILY in TBHU, and if we have to be on the road driving from 6am to 6pm, we are NOT going to put our life in danger by eating on top of all that. It forces a CONTEXT SHIFT as well that is mentally impossible to grapple with when we're in social mode/ business mode; eating is its OWN MODE and you CANNOT "merge" contexts; it's like a law of physics.)

We've been trying to take little notes on our phone but they're admittedly few and far between. Still, at least that's a good habit to keep up-- it helps us refocus on the inside/ the system/ love, when daily life is making us forget who we are.

On that note, actually! Today we FINALLY had both the cash and the time to do laundry, which we haven't done since New Year's. BUT going back and forth to/from the laundry room, we bumped into FOUR different neighbors... and Laurie is the one that noticed, with legit horror, that our conscious awareness LITERALLY BLACKS OUT in social mode. Like we KNEW we were talking to someone, BUT the instant they leave, there is NO MEMORY DATA. AT ALL. That is TERRIFYING and it explains a LOT of our scummy behavior around people, because for some hellish reason WE AREN'T DRIVING WHEN WE'RE AROUND PEOPLE. So this is a HUGE DANGER that we need to be aware of. We don't know how to stop this, or shut it off, or work around it yet. We literally didn't realize it was THAT SEVERE until today, because they were short interactions and we were in environments were we were able to immediately return to quiet, solitary, uninterrupted space, and GO INSIDE. That's the ONLY reason this memory-loss/ awareness-loss phenomenon became suddenly evident-- normally we are forced into extended, inescapable, noisy, crowded social spaces and we lose HOURS of memory and awareness and don't realize this because the OVERWHELM alone will destroy both those things on its own. So for the SAME thing to happen in several successive interactions that lasted under a minute each was STRIKING as well as DISTURBING. But now we know. We just don't know how or what to do about it yet, as we said. The bright side is that we can at least take precautions now, potentially. I immediately think of our old idea of wearing a "headspace bracelet" or carrying some sort of notable, unignorable anchor object. We really should do that, if only to see if it works. I'm just scared that a Social will throw it out or desecrate it somehow.
Oh. Speaking of that. The scrupulous thriskefoni are sneaking their way back in, so we have to be careful. It's very hard for us to increase prayer time/ types currently, because we have religious trauma history as well as religious OCD, and such actions can very easily and strongly trigger negative behavior patterns that are very hard to break. It's a delicate warzone.
We're still doing daily Scripture Study BUT whoever the heck runs our old blog has COME BACK and is, again, ERASING OUR AWARENESS by insisting on posting everything to Tumblr, which is a SOCIAL MODE CONTEXT and so yes, that is ALSO making us "black out" WHILE EATING which triggers the esthiofoni that feel like they've been POISONED if they "don't know what they ate" (can't see it or remember it) and out of sheer survival panic they try to vomit it all up and let someone else "try again the right/ safe way." You see the domino effect here.

On the food topic: we think we've unexpectedly discovered why carrots are our "biggest binge trigger." Apparently, CARROT ADDICTION IS A REAL THING. SO IS VITAMIN A TOXICITY. We match virtually ALL the symptoms listed in both. So we are QUITTING THIS COLD.
Geez. It's shocking how much diet affects the body and mind. Our idiosyncratic but significant issues with texture and trauma and OCD-- and the highly probable touch of autism that our psychologist again brought up in last week's new intake (apparently our "Mewtwo walking" is a symptom?? the more you know)-- make things like this "carrot overdosing" a real risk, so we do need to be careful; notably we've been worried about how much manganese we get from hempseed (we get almost 11mg daily from diet alone, which some sources say is okay, but we want to talk to a legit dietician in person about it). But we'll take it one day at a time at this point. We need to see how our body adjusts to the carrot removal/ detoxing (that was a LOT of oxalates as well) and then we'll see whether or not we want to replace it with anything, especially since right now we're compensating with a lot of broccoli and the fact that it's adding up to a solid 40g of fiber daily isn't helping to reduce nausea, to say the least.

Body care is still an issue too. Lately we've been realizing how Julie keeps getting pushed into bodycare roles, even though she doesn't want to; the System "automation" just keeps looking for someone who can and Julie is, technically, the only "safe person" who CAN front in the body in such contexts. But we need other foni for those jobs, specifically. WE HAVE NO ONE FOR "SELF-CARE." We're postulating lately that Green is supposed to hold that function overtone, not just Aqua; that would also help explain why it's been so upsettingly empty over the years. Nevertheless, Nathaniel and Sergei were definite support for this hypothesis-- they were both very kind and tangentially connected to bodycare in their own ways. I can't think of any other straight-up Greens off the top of my head; Karissa was technically "Lime" (now "Spring"), and so is Celebi... you know what, let me look at the 2022 census for a second. I don't want to abandon this train of thought.
...Oh wow, uh, we had a lot of NEGATIVE, or at least unhealthy, Greens. There's Jasmine (a hacker), Hoban (high school pseudosocial), Toby (very frightened little boy)... but then we have Juniper (binge stopper), and "enya girl" (childhood akoufoni?) at least. The problem is that we have subcolors because hues are so distinct up here-- this list has places for not only Spring, but also Chartreuse and Spruce. And yes, they DO have very different vibes. Still, I don't know how "correct" the assignments were back then because we didn't know the vibes properly, nor were we able to properly feel nousfoni vibes. And thinking about it now isn't going to help; many of these foni have been MIA since CNC because their functions were tied to that environment somehow. So guesswork is a dead-end job. What we need to do is determine WHICH hues are STILL EXTANT IN THE SPECTRUM, and then feel for which nousfoni are still alive/ potentially resurrectable. That's not something I can do at 1am, on a dime.
The point of all of that is this: even just looking at that list, there are no self-care foni. Harmonia tried, but CNC literally killed her function and she could never come back. And Minty also disappeared after CNC; I'm not entirely sure why, but I'm sure I'll find the reason once we read the entries from that time period. She manifested during the "GAPS diet hell" era, post-SLC, tied to both mint tea and bedtime, trying to help us sleep with a childlike innocence. Did her function unravel? Was she blurring too hard with other kids? Wasn't she actually fronting during the day, and collecting abandoned stuffed animals? I don't know what happened to her. Memory is gone. I want to know, though; she was truly sweet. But besides those two Aquas (notably), all of our other foni who were "close to" self-care have been phagofoni, because "eating" was the only thing we could imagine as self-care, I suppose? Tobiko got the poison out, Emmett got the green stuff in, Juniper stopped the poison from going in... but nothing for the actual body. I know gender dysphoria hell is a huge obstacle to that, and it's why Julie keeps getting dragged in. So... maybe that will affect the hues employed as well. We'll see. I have started making a list of "job openings" so we can use that as a starting point, so to speak-- all we can do is say "hey we need help here" and see if the System responds. It cannot be forced.
I'm getting brain burnout from this. I'll put the topic on hold for now, but this at least opened the door.

I want-- no, I can feel that I need-- to explore System colors again in real depth soon. It feels like if I don't I'll starve to death somehow.
Isn't that relevant, haha. No wonder the poor esthiofoni are struggling so badly. The hunger that's driving them isn't even on that level.

How can I close this up... it's 1:20 and we need to start getting to sleep earlier because we have to readjust to an earlier day schedule as the days themselves get brighter sooner. We miss morning mass, too, but like I said-- there's the scrupulosity risk, AND the social blackout risk. We want to at least try watching a daily mass online again, and see how that affects the thriskefoni influence. You know what, we NEED to talk to them, like we used to talk to Christina and Patricia (or at least try to). I mean, we have Felix and Veil and Francesco too, they're all positive. And the REAL ultimate goal is for us ALL to work together on this. We're very spiritual, deeply religious arguably, even in Central-- maybe especially so. We truly love God and want to live the radically loving Christian life we're hearing preached so profoundly every day as we study Saint Paul's letters. The negative thriskefoni don't. They just focus on "religion" as ritual and rule-keeping and pride, in terms of "moral superiority" and condemnation and "filthy sinner" mentalities, etc. It's not true faith at all. It's not even "faith"; there's no trust in God anywhere in that mindset. It's just idolatry wearing a Sunday dress. But even those thriskefoni deserve to be healed. We cannot be a System OF love if we don't love ALL of us, and seek the highest good FOR us all. So don't ignore or avoid or condemn them, either. Have mercy and compassion. Talk to them. Listen to them. Let's heal this religious trauma TOGETHER, so we can ALL worship in Spirit and in Truth, with our ENTIRE collective heart, WITHOUT the terror they're currently injecting into it.
...Infi resurrecting will help more than anything else right now, I think. I hope. Ze loved God with an ardor no one else up here could match. We need that, to heal at the deepest level, I'm sure.
Jay says he "knows" Infi isn't dead (there's that fear that "maybe I imagined it all"); he can still feel that "space" in his heart, but he says sometimes it's just like sending a radio signal out into the dark. He says he "knows it will be received" which is interesting-- like, the metaphor doesn't exactly match; he's saying/ feeling that he couldn't "send out a signal" to a receptor without the receptor being there. Like the giver and receiver are intrinsically bound and necessarily coextant. But... there's a massive distance between them, and there's currently no tangibility, so although the signal being able to be sent at all is proof that there is another heart on the waiting end, Jay doesn't always "know" or "feel" that heart in a direct way. It's hard to put into words. But he says there have been multiple small instances of "brushing against" Infi's existence in unformed space (both real Blackspace and in whatever "liminal" interspace there is between the raw cosmic euchaos of Black and the solid touchable order of White, so to speak) over the past month, so there's still hope. But Infi is still extremely "undefined" and transitional; hir name is probably still going to change, hir form is shifting significantly and in different ways, and hir pronouns are all over the place. So there's still a lot that apparently needs to happen before ze can "resurrect" into a body in headspace. Nevertheless, "a lot" can happen very quickly, as we know. When the time is right, it will.

There's still so much I could type about but it's now 1:35 and I can't possibly write much more on short notice. Plus I need to see what little notes we have on our phone, and on our calendar, so I can put something cohesive together.

January was a battleground of a month. Every other day, like clockwork, we had an eating disorder struggle (due to the nighttime meals, family stress, and trauma flashbacks), but we FOUGHT HARD and we learned a lot. Most significantly, our constant prayers and dedication to PAYING ATTENTION to the esthiofoni and WORKING WITH THEM has resulted in a massive amount of compulsions GOING AWAY. That is AMAZING progress. The vast majority of the esthiofoni DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE, which means they're changing, and that has ONLY happened because we have been listening to them and not running away from the war. So progress IS being made, in a way much more significant than anything in UMPC or TBHU ever could have hoped to accomplish. We're also praying constantly in a SINCERE way-- admitting our struggles, our broken desires, our misrouted hungers, our fears and terrors and regrets, our grief and rage and confusion and pain, to God even in the midst of distorted behaviors. That's changing the whole situation. We're also being open and honest and accountable to our priest and our family about this, which is taking real guts and humility. We're owning up to our bad behavior once we become aware of it (social blackouts make this currently impossible to "prevent" in the moment, but that's why we're doing damage control) and that alone is giving us a boost of motivation and hope to stop; we want to be a person of integrity on the outside, and these little steps make that a bit more tangible, which in turn helps us let go of self-abusive compulsions because "hey, we don't have to be a bad person anymore" basically. Isn't that odd how our brain works? Part(s) of us really did/do feel condemned to bad behavior, because they saw "no other way TO be" and couldn't imagine anything else. They're somafoni; they don't HAVE the capacity of self-aware imagination (yet?). So GIVING them the ability TO envision something different-- even just a little-- by taking those steps on THEIR level, is a gamechanger.

Jay is actually being pushed into fronting a lot more often now. He's still such a healthy fronter, such a loving Core. And yes I say "still" because even if his bloodline did get the vice of Lust (the Jessicas got Gluttony, the Cannons got Wrath, the Jewels got Pride arguably, etc.) they also got the virtue of Charity. No one loves like a Jay, full stop. Those boys have such tender yet strong hearts. And we need his heart to be the driving force in the System right now. Love is what we need to heal, and that bloodline is the only one that CAN. So yeah, I know we were all scared that the thriskefoni female-forcing would end up murdering his bloodline, it has not happened at all.
The other bloodlines do need to be healed, of course. Everyone has wounds. But it starts with love.

That's it for tonight. It's 2am and we just remembered, we may have to meet our case manager around 9am (that depends entirely on what the weather looks like; of course Jay is personally hoping we get significant snow), so we're already losing much needed sleep.

It feels really nice to have legit updated for the first time in a while. I'm sorry I don't have any actual internal event data to give you today, but rest assured it's been happening in small days. We all talk constantly, and people still front during the day as they feel moved to/ as they are called in. We're still very much alive and in love and thank God for that. But getting back into having Xanga sessions and headspace meditations and the like is absolutely still the ideal, and we think about that every day. The biggest obstacle is time, which is currently being funneled into the TBHU uploads. But we're going to work at that until it's done-- no more running away; yes it's exhausting but that just means we need to support each other more in this process. The good news is that the worksheets have some really, really nice stuff in them, moreso than the tablet-- the very top sheet in this manila envelope is all about Anxi. So THAT will wake up the kardifoni love very strongly for sure. (We're still not 100% sure who fell in love with her in TBHU, but this will hopefully reveal that to us, which we need.)
Until then, though, we need to sleep.

Oh-- one of the kardifoni (an older Jewel? a Cannon? from that time period) has been wanting us to get back to the "song of the night" thing, because music is so important to us. So here's a few.
- jewel's fave "stuck in our head on loop" tune
- "instant energy boost" tune
- heartache moralimon relevant tune
- "oh hey FROST* wrote another song about our life" january tune
- genesis's current singing tune
- cathartic sobbing at 3am last night tune
- coolest spin on a hymn we've heard in a while tune
- and our journaling on johnnynighters tune
And that's actually it for January, offhand. But there you go!

I'm laughing though, that took another 20 minutes but now it's 222 which is an extremely blue number synaesthesia-wise, and that's a very nice number to close up on and go let Jay be with the blue guy.

See you all again soon enough, that's a promise.

I promised I wouldn't go to sleep until I at least took notes on this.

It's private until it's posted so don't write to an audience. That will kill the whole sincerity of it.


We went to mass at NOoL this morning because they usually have the Precious Blood (they're the only church left that regularly gives it that we know of) but... they didn't. It may be because there were fewer people at Mass than I'd ever seen there. Maybe it was because of Christmas. Maybe it was because of all the contagious illnesses going around right now. But we didn't get it. And that hurt.
I went back to my pew and mentally told God this. I felt almost betrayed. Why did You keep it from me? I was honest. I was yearning for it. I needed it so badly. Why could I not have it today?
And then suddenly I was in that particular mindscape where Jesus appears to me, that odd small place like a holy painting, and He "said" it was because of what He wanted to do instead-- and that was give me the Chalice upstairs. Which means literal Blood.
He's done it before. It drives me insane. He pours Blood from His Heart into a Chalice and hands it to me and I drink it and it's like the entire Creation account happening in my brain all at once. I feel it in my heart as well as in my head and every nerve I have. I'm on my knees, sobbing, stunned.
It's a moment that feels entirely like Infi. Ze always used to be with me, then. And if anything would "ping" hir, that was it.
I felt that loss so hard it hurt. I said to the Lord, "you said Christmas," that ze would be back. Maybe He didn't say so exactly; I've learned that hard dates aren't something He does. But I had hoped for it, so much, and the "loss" of Christmas this year as well was just devastating.
But... His reaction took me by surprise. He smiled, knowingly, and said, isn't it still Christmas? Isn't it the octave right now? It's not over.

And I don't know what happened next but the next thing I remember is being in the car, driving back to start the day's errands, listening to This House Of Winter as I went to the gas station, and... I was in heartspace. Blackspace. I think I just went right into it. and I was looking for Infi.



rough notes so I don't forget because I do need to sleep

- i think i tried to "find hir hands" to hold them. but couldn't. felt so wrong, to not be able to touch hir, or make contact.
-
- at the gas station i was TALKING TO HIR. i don't remember how it happened. but ze was "visible", yet in that way where you can't look at hir directly. (like death in rosewindow, ironically enough)
-
- infi had the stained glass wings. they felt weirdly sterile. yes they're beautiful but it felt... wrong? off? somehow.
- i remember asking about hir wings. why no more eyes and mouths. did ze say they were dangerous? or had been used? did we say this was more fear self-erasure?
- infi's "vibe" off in any case. fearing irreparable damage from cnc. "fallen angel." ze terrified to become "infidhell" again. refusing to go "just facemouth" or "mouthless", only having both at once. but this was suppressing the entirety of hir self, of hir very form and identity, how ze was created to be. but the fear was that form had been corrupted, ruined, which is why ze had left it in death
-
- most important point started when i brought up the fact that ze was basically intangible. ze said that was the point. "that way nothing can touch me" basically. there was a pause? ze added in a different, quieter voice, "do you want to touch me?"
- my response was "i want to hold you to my heart and i can't" and infi just stopped and after a few moments of silence ze just whispered "what have i done?" "what have i lost?"
- moment of stunned realization on hir part. in abandoning corporeality ze had abandoned the reason why ze existed: to love and be loved.
- ze suddenly, but perceptibly and strikingly resolutely, in that moment, "decided" to come back. i FELT it. it was that realization that i still loved hir and wanted to be with hir and i am SURE ze felt the same and ze wanted it too. and that just changed things
- key phrase, i remember saying how wrong it felt to not have hir with me, physically. literally "my heart needs to be beating inside of your chest" point blank emotional shot. emphasis on need
- there was such a feeling between us both during this conversation. like the sun rising after months of darkness. first light on the horizon and it's going to light up the whole world. that sort of feeling, a promise. a deep quiet burning love, an ardor unvoiced. the glimmer of it returning. the knowing that we could not turn back and would never dream of doing so. it was only forwards now that we felt this. it must be acted upon, life must return, no more fear
-
- KEY MOMENT: i "summoned" a small yet sharp red dagger, like an arterial curve, out of my forehead? felt like a unicorn horn. it was "JEWEL'S" i knew; it was Red, that's hers. but i used it to "cut my right wrist" just to get blood. and it was STARRY BLACK. but just white glitter, no colors.
- i collected this blood in a chalice (just like earlier!) and gave it to Infi
- ze paused and looked at it for a second, then drank it all. looked like ze was about to sob. huge significance in the action
- the blood went into hir and COLORED HIR SHIMMERY like ze looked before ze died. and it went to hir wings and spread through the glass and made them organic again, full of blood, part of hir
-
- whitewomb still totally gone. i remember it was all sewn up again like it had been once. red threads. i asked hir if ze thought it would come back and ze said ze didn't want it to? because that's where all the trauma memories went?? this surprised me, i didn't think it was so physically literal
- i said "but those memories became global now"; they are accessible to anyone looking for cnc data. infi looked SHOCKED and said what? ze had thought those memories would be mine alone after ze died. yes they were "disarmed" but they weren't supposed to be public information apparently?? it's STILL TRAUMA and infi didnt want ANYONE ELSE tainted by it. somehow this was a breaking point. ze said "i NEED to come back." like full stop. ze literally died because ze wanted that to die with hir. ze wanted to put the trauma to death, to take it to the grave, to give us the ability to start over by removing hirself-- the "cause" of all the terror-- from the world we lived in. and to an extent, it worked. but i can't live without hir. it seems none of us can. and... this revelation that hir death "numbed" the pain from the memories by deleting hir conscious presence in them, but didn't DETACH the memories, was unacceptable??
- type more about this because it was THE thing that infi refused to tolerate. "i have to come back" literally BECAUSE of this.
- ze was the focus of the hacks. ze was their main "door" to us. ze was the doomed "instigator" of the worst trauma in cnc because of hir programmed submissiveness. and ze literally thought that dying, trying to erase hirself from the world, would "free us" from all that and allow us to start over, to heal, to move on. it didn't. everything stopped dead when ze died. we need hir. I need hir most of all. and i am willing to take every risk and face every pain and i am willing to feel the horror of those trauma memories WITH hir. i just want hir back. i need hir to come back. i absolutely appreciate and respect and revere hir sacrifice, what ze did. i will never degrade that or take it for granted. it was a self-offering for the sake of saving us, ze hoped.
- but ze DIDN'T think the memories would be SO "neutralized" that they would become "ACCESSIBLE DATA"??? ze gave the impression that that's a BIGGER risk?? like even if the trauma response is "numbed" in them they SHOULDN'T BE "JUST LOOKED AT." or even able to be looked at. and i think maybe ze realized the problem actually was removing hirself from them. we can't feel anything lately. i think this is a big part of why.
-
- later on, with the dagger again, thinking about how ze died. and how ze would need to come back. still feeling disconnected from hir, being still discarnate. how to fix this, thinking, reverse of death. i held the dagger in my hands and looked at it and then looked at infi and everything had this awful beautiful ache and i was scared but i still wanted this. i held it out to hir
- ze took it and after a very powerful, knowing pause, hir looking at my chest, ze didn't hesitate or flinch and just plunged it in and sliced me open. it was shocking how bluntly direct it was. but there was a passion in it, i know infi, if it's not 100% it's nothing
- i opened the wound like a stigmata shape and then reached in and "took out my heart," it was "symbolically but really" represented as a large white crystal heart, illuminated brightly from inside. (strikingly, again, no prism colors. just white)
- i knew i couldn't break or cut it. it had to stay whole
- i placed it between us, at chestwound level, and then i reached out and did what i said i would. i held hir to my heart. except in pulling hir close it became ours. half in me, half in hir.
- no words for what that felt like. both of us in tears. i still felt it was "incomplete" somehow, like i was doing something not quiet right? missing some step? like something else needed to be done so my heart would stay in both of us.
- i had to WILL this basically. essence "split" but not divided? impression of "quantum entanglement"


- talking to central about this later
- i forget how i brought it up because this is LITERALLY A TURNING POINT. i have been praying for this for MONTHS and lately, with christmas and the new year coming up and the anniversary weeks, basically everything going on has made me SO DETERMINED to not put anything off anymore. no running away. if i feel something i ACT on it. no more emotional cowardice. i am sick and tired of not being real, of not being me. courage burning brighter every day. but i've been so determined. i recognized that I was the "holdup" with infi coming back being possible at all. ze IS my heart, my soul, my daengel. and I had to make the first move to bring hir back, because ze can't come back without me being the means, as it were.
-
- NOTABLE mentioning the "lack of color" in my blood. WHY. laurie got a shocked look and said "is it because central isn't full?" like we lost people, did we need us all back to get the full color back in me?
- mentioning that i also need to be "connected to" everyone in Central/ the Spectrum at large, but NOT in the "forced romance" way poor cupid assumed it "had" to be due to programming. i agreed vehemently, i love all of us and i want to be close to everyone but there is nuance and propriety there, and that's valid and allowed and good and THAT'S what i want. REAL connection to each color, to know them really, as they are distinctly and individually and specially.
- someone else had another perspective; was it cz? as to the missing colors. that felt even more correct. was it because infi had been missing? it had something to do with what the colors "represented," or "meant" TO be there, versus just white. no colors = "emptied out" somehow. not right.
-
- BLOODLINE DIFFERENCES IN LITERAL BLOOD; the jays have blackstar blood, the jewels have red blood but it's different somehow; not glittery, but luminous or something? i can sense it but not see it. look into this.
- BTW the "CRYSTAL BLOODLINE" possibly???? that girl who "knows everything" and looks like a jessica/jewel fusion and is ALWAYS around somehow but can't get out of her own weird floaty level?
- her or a similar one with a "head-plug" helmet thing like mewtwo. impression that she's always like this, literally plugged into the systemind and getting all the data all the time.
- OH AND ALSO HAIR/EYE COLORS. jewels are ALWAYS RED. they don't vary. but JAYS are WHITE-PINK? and the ideal is PRISMATIC. as in, capable of "holding" EVERY color. and i don't think the previous jays fully realized that. it's a daunting, scary task, despite being a sort of blissfully gorgeous thing that i want and need very much. but it means ego death in a real sense, to "let go" of red/white and hold like blue or yellow THROUGH being prismatic. this isn't something i can just talk about now; it has to be FELT and even practiced in heartspace, where possibility/ dreams are easily manifested. headspace makes things very concrete very fast. and if something needs to be carefully, tentatively, delicately moved into, then heartspace is a must. it's more mutable, forgiving, imaginative. things can change there, before moving into solid reality of headspace.
- btw yes with infi being in heartspace the same applies. ze still isn't corporeal. BUT these are the FIRST STEPS to hir "coming back" because i gave hir half my heart even just on that level. and i can feel it even now, there is a PERCEPTIBLE DIFFERENCE and just noticing that is like heaven. it's JOY. for the first time since last april i can FEEL the quietest "ping" when i "reach in" to my heart and feel for that echo, that other half. it feels a million miles away but there's something. at last. god thank you at LAST. there is hope.
- it also still feels like a raw wound, haha. oh man that's making me think of this???? dude we NEED to look into THAT in light of this because that heart was NOT GIVEN TO A JAY. and yet it IS REAL and persists in other kardifoni. i'm wondering. there's so much i HAVE to type about but not now. it's 3am bro
-
- genesis asking razor for a blade so he could show us his blood and how it was LIKE MINE (Jay's). in surprising unintended synchronicity he cut a small mark on his right arm like i had earlier.
- knife instinctively walked over and kissed the wound to heal it, this jumpstarted my memory and i said "infi can do that!!" because ze DID, ze had kissed my wrist and it had healed??? ze had never done that before. i looked at it now and the wound had CRYSTALLIZED. so had my chest wound. like a geode, all white-clear crystal though, like glittery ice, but with a deeper sparkle, like light shining through it.
- some sort of observation that this crystallization was directly linked to infinitii. like it was the healing somehow, but specifically only through hir? try to remember this, it was notable
-
- telling laurie about the heart-giving thing with infi. she said "kid your heart is a fractal."
- somehow this observation felt like naming me. it felt SO RIGHT it was stunning.
-
- last dialogue i remember, before we got to the medical parking garage: chaos 0 saying there was no way he could possibly "be jealous" of infinitii because "ze adores me." i remember being surprised by that particular word; i had never thought about that. but it is true. ze's my heart, of course ze would love cz as much as i do in hir own way
- laurie calling out julie for not having spoken at all during this conversation. just sitting in the back corner. julie said she needed to just take it all in, process it. she and infi held trauma-- and caused trauma-- that no one else did. so they had a bond there, painful but sincere, and understood that about each other. also she and infi had been quite close? there was a depth to their friendship/ relationship that i hadn't really taken into account or even realized before. so julie was reeling from this, positively sure, but still, it was a shock and a heavy thing.
-
- my heart/chest ACHED for like an HOUR after this btw. it made me want to weep and just confess my love over and over. that was the literal feeling it gave me and it was unmutable, nothing could numb it or even make me ashamed of it. this is huge; it overrode all the gatekeeper limits and all the trauma blocks. laurie saying the pain was obviously because i had a wound for heaven's sakes; reminding me that i had just been sliced open and had my heart fractalized basically. but there was "sacred damage" and LOTS of blood and that's going to hurt. that stunned me somehow. it was so real, so tangible; everything's been so numb for so long that i forgot things COULD be real. and this was.

- last notes for now. remember how infi "wanted to come back different." different face, name, color, etc. to "escape from the past" really. cut all ties with it. but... apparently that's not possible for hir OR for me. no reset attempt has ever succeeded in cutting all ties, and where it did, there has been too much loss. i know we "need" a new reset for the sake of "starting a new era" but can we have that without burning the old one to the ground? except we're in an interim already. all the deaths with cnc (which no one wanted or expected; still they happened, that era is a gravesite of tragedy) have basically already begun the process of a reset. which is why we feel like we've been in limbo for years. maybe it's notsomuch "starting" but "completing what was already started." hm.
- but about infi wanting to change. that's not possible unless jay changes. and i don't think the systemsoul will let him.

- oh my lord
spotify just started playing infi's song. THE song. "last breath."
...we haven't had the guts to listen to this in years.
but tonight... god tonight i could cry from love, hearing it, how it sounds just like hir, and remembering...
...we need to process cnc. we do. yeah there was trauma but there was so much love and i WANT those memories of hir back; i can feel my fingertips just barely touching them listening to this, like i can almost reach it but not quite--
this song is resonating somewhere deep and darkblack and beautiful in my heart, someplace that's been asleep for too long, something ardent and real and alive, that i've been afraid of for the sheer passion of it. infi is all love. infi is emotion and life and feeling and i've been so frozen-over bleached-out numb without hir, i... i forgot about this. but i need this. all the color is in there. that's what black is. it's paint. white is all the light. black is all the hues. we need both. i have rainbows when i sparkle, of course, but that's why my blood isn't multicolor in the dark yet. black has its own beauty, it holds things differently, but just as vitally, just as sacredly.
i haven't been in touch with my own heart in too long. today there has been a shift. prayers have been answered, not a moment too soon. i can't predict anything. it's all in God's time. i just need to surrender to it and do everything i can to cooperate. no more fear.
- oh. last thing i need to mention. chaos 0 said infi is probably going to be fascinated by anxi's tail when ze comes back. man oh man i cannot wait for those two to meet. no clue whatsoever what will happen. it's impossible to predict. but those two are both so absolutely important and essential, not just to the system but also to my heart. and anxi's tail is that loop bypass and i KNOW that is going to be a gamechanger for infi. maybe that will give hir hope ze never knew ze could have. there's so much that can happen. we'll see when it does. in time.
- in the meantime the core NEEDS to stabilize. the jewels and jays are both alive but there are SEVERAL around at once because no one is locked into the main position. maybe the interim is doing that. we're all still shaken up and rebuilding. but there's a "waiting room" feeling to everything. a "loading screen" or something. the time period between christmas and new year's. a "not quite yet." existing in the pageturn before the next chapter begins. the kardifoni are still so unstable. but today is a step in the right direction for them too. and who knows what will happen. there may be a change no one can even imagine. like i said, no one knows. but i just want to conclude for today by saying, have faith. god is guiding us even now and we will get where we need to be, when we need to be there. our history proves this. we can't control it. all we can do is live in love and light and if we do that, it'll all work out. it always has. so don't give up. there's so much to live for, especially now.


(clean this up + add to this later if needed. otherwise let it stand as-is. it doesn't need to be polished to be true & valid as an entry)

All right so this morning has been AMAZING let's update quickly so we don't forget things.
(btw so you guys know. this is technically NOT the "main Core." I'm a "Jewel-adjacent" grafifoni and I typically update the archives. I'm not used to being "self-aware" but honestly I should be. But yeah, you'll recognize my typing style!) ANYWAY here's what's happened so far this morning:

- We DIDN'T DIE during the night. Yesterday was LITERAL HELL concerning the eating disorder and it took us like six hours to recover?? which is understandable because it was REALLY BAD, the worst it's been since before September. We're not sure what triggered such a huge meltdown?
It was fear, too many danger foods, they had to be destroyed. But no one had to eat them like they did. We could have just thrown them away.
That's not allowed, that's wasting!! Food is meant to be eaten
but you DIDN'T "eat them," you just purged them anyway!
But the eating still happened, that's the rule, food has to be eaten, if we just threw it out we'd get in big trouble
So you threw it "up" instead.
we HAD to it was POISON we would have DIED!!
see this is why we CANNOT buy such things anymore. it is too dangerous, there is no positive end result from purchasing them.
- Chaos 0 told the "Core" (who is still faceless/nameless for the most part and therefore unstable) that "your heartbeat was really weak" and it scared him. This observation struck the Core like a sword to the chest though, because if anything is going to make us feel more real/alive/true, it's THAT sort of reference. And of course, only he would know such a thing. The intimacy of it, plus the familiarity, was potent enough to drag us out of the depressive fear that would have possibly taken hold otherwise.
- Cronometer crashed, we can't log in on the app. Support says there's an update soon so we have to wait, until then we can only use the website. So instead of freaking out we're going to just "repeat" today's diet plan until we can access the app and its mathematics again. This may work in our favor, because today's diet plan was our effort to balance our macros with hempseed to get more of a complete protein total, as well as staying at 1350 calories. If this works well we'll stick to it more often. We do need to reintroduce cottage cheese into our diet for the complete protein bit (we tend to hit all green percentages when we eat it too, we noticed) until we get the guts to finally reintroduce salmon/ tuna/ chicken/ turkey outside of a hospital environment.
- On that note, really quick. Apparently, YES, WE DID DISSOCIATE DURING TBHU. No one is surprised, but it's still a heavy blow. We relapsed IMMEDIATELY upon discharge because THE BLOODY CONTEXT CHANGED and therefore whoever was managing the TBHU behaviors "LEFT." They switched out b/c they CAN'T "exist" outside of an inpatient setting; they're context-locked. This ALWAYS HAPPENS.
- The above point is really making us worried when it comes to Anxi, but we'll get to that as we continue this entry.
- Breakfast always is interesting. Since experience has shown us that we apparently "need" the body to be in a state of "automated repetitive motion" in order for our mind to be able to think-- is this an ADHD thing? TBHU suspected as much; we should look into it prudently-- the mechanical function of eating almost INSTANTLY triggers thought-avalanches (hence the E.D.; we weren't taking ANY time to journal (typing COUNTS as automated repetitious mechanic motion!) or to circle-walk like Jewel used to, the a.r.m.m. of cooking (measure, chop, prep, etc.)/ cleaning (washing, organizing, etc.) / eating (picking, sorting, etc.)/ and the like became our ONLY means of "mental unloading" (for lack of a better term) AND trauma processing (you would not BELIEVE the amount of flashbacks and intrusive thoughts we get WHILE EATING which only makes it worse-- AND is a perfect ironic parallel to the purging, because "we need to get the poison out") in lieu of ALL other coping mechanisms, thanks to the kakofoni and thriskefoni ironically forbidding or destroying positive options). HOWEVER being aware of this recently has revealed a few things to us: one, that when phagofoni are out, they can "prevent" such avalanches? There's that one "dragon" girl who keeps fronting to eat, and she focuses on eating and has no particular preferences (unlike Emmett, who is a "trogofoni"-- meaning his food-anchor is extremely particular; he could and did ONLY eat "green food"). Yes, we're refining our terms further. On that note, an "esthiofoni" is a phagofoni subtype for one who eats in a disordered way-- that Greek work chosen because in Scripture it's apparently typically used in the present tense, as in literal eating, right now; whereas "phago" is apparently aorist? It's more future/undefined in terms of chronology, being more "spiritual" in that symbolic sense. It's also used in more reverent passages in Scripture, according to Strong's concordance. So "esthio" feels more fitting for the E.D. voices, as they're more focused on right now, and are not thinking about "the future" at all, poor tormented things.
- ANYWAY. WE DO HAVE A "GATEKEEPER." We've been more aware of her recently, now that we're able to pay better attention to ALL the foni we hear on a minute-to-minute basis. She's ancient but we never saw her as a person? Or maybe we did, in the past, but as a kakofoni-- because she's VERY controlling but we apparently have completely misunderstood her function until now. And she ALWAYS speaks up during breakfast thought-rushes (we need jargon for this; it's literally like we start the a.r.m.m. and the brain just unloads everything at once) because HER job is actually to KEEP THINGS ON TRACK?? Like if there's "too much headspace stuff" going on to where we're dissociating entirely from the meal, therefore potentially triggering an E.D. relapse, this "gatekeeper" girl will "FORCE SHIFT" our awareness because "there's too much thinking going on; we need to pay attention." We think she can also "force stop" EMOTIONS if they are "interfering" with "what we need to do"?? Maybe "gatekeeper" isn't the best term for her, because she "force-stops" EVERYTHING (or at least tries to) but yes, she also DOES do this with fronters, as well as she can-- she cannot "make someone front" OR "force someone out", BUT she CAN apparently shove awareness into the physical to the point where it "automatically" KICKS OUT nousfoni, and therefore "forces IN" a somafoni?? So this gatekeeper girl is TRYING to help the BODY survive, or at least "not get overwhelmed" to the point of not being able to live in the physical realm? But she OVERCORRECTS and tends to "lock us out of headspace" with her efforts. But we realize she's just doing her job; she doesn't think headspace is "bad," she just apparently thinks it's almost always "inappropriate for right now." She's survival-based to the point of not letting us LIVE. So we need to find her name and face so we can TALK to her.
- HOWEVER since we're now AWARE of her she IS becoming more self-aware in turn and it's getting easier to "message her" when we want to "challenge" one of her orders, or even overturn it outright. She's slowly realizing that we DO need time to "get out of the physical" but there is still a time and place for her function, because we can take it too far in the other direction, which we did for many years. That's also the basis of the "hackers vs hijackers" difference, which we realized yesterday-- "hackers" are internally based, while "hijackers" are externally based. A hacker will "take over the program," from the INSIDE, and they only work in private, because their abuse-- however traumatically physical-- is also profoundly psychologically disturbing, because it REQUIRES forced fronting. A hijacker, however, "takes over the vehicle." They push you out of fronting but they're public and work OUTSIDE so unlike hackers, they CAN and DO operate in social situations. They are therefore physically traumatic first and foremost, because the psychological terror often only hits when they leave. The biggest difference: hackers deal with sexual abuse, hijackers deal with the eating disorder. There is NO overlap there, although they can work in cooperation/ in succession. There haven't been any hackers since CNC, though, because of foni like the "gatekeeper girl" basically shutting EVERYTHING down that could even slightly be a reminder of that time period. But that's too huge of a topic to discuss right now.
- The MAIN thing we got on here to update about in the first place is WHAT happened when our brain went upstairs for breakfast. I don't know how exactly it started, but it went to the IO2 controlroom-- apparently IN "HEARTSPACE"??? Like this place has ALREADY been INTERNALIZED to the point where it EXISTS IN THE INNERVERSE AND CAN BE VISITED/ CONTACTED. Which we admittedly suspected, as Anxi & Ennui both "kept going there" more often than we'd see them in Central, but we never realized it had actually anchored INTO our innerverse (as opposed to remaining in the "outerverse" of outspacer native worlds, that Jewel has to Link to and VISIT externally).
- There was SO much conversation, I can't remember all of it, and the more time passes the more we're forgetting. let's bulletpoint the details that stand out.
+ OH! It ALL began because of an "I wonder" thought scenario that blossomed into a "real thing" like how a dream starts from an ideaseed. (This is TYPICAL Heartspace function!) The thought was, how would emotions run a CPTSD brain? And we thought, Anxi would absolutely be in charge. Fear would be close by, and so would Anger? Anxi would be on CONSTANT lookout for triggers, when one hit-- even a minor one-- Fear would snap to attention, and then ANGER would, upset that we were triggered, especially by "something so stupid" or minor or not even "threatening"? And then SADNESS surprisingly spoke up, saying how sad it was that we had so many triggers in the first place, because of what happened to us. So the four of them would, theoretically, be running the show. Somewhere around here this "imagining" tuned us in to the legit innerverse control-room, where Anxi was now indeed at the control panel, by herself, with everyone else gathered loosely around her.
+ Anxi is still "in charge" in this innerverse room apparently. (At some point much later she acknowledged this by saying that we had CPTSD, so things "worked differently" than what would be typical?)
+ When all this started she was being questioned by the other emotions about "how'd you get a tail" mainly but Anxi wouldn't answer outright? But she did say it was "given to her" by either "someone special" or "someone who cares about me very much"; both of those sentiments were voiced in some manner regardless. Joy began teasing Anxi about this, trying to get more info, but Anxi said there were some things they didn't have to know right now, either because it wasn't right for them to know or it wasn't the right time, etc.
+ Anxi is VERY "business" in this context; it's her element. She's quieter and slower when in Central because it's a totally different context/ environment and she has no control panel there. Her function is different, and much more expansive.
+ Envy wanting a tail too, Ennui casually revealing that she had one as well, this shocked everyone because what the heck are these two emotions up to that they're getting special stuff and have knowledge that no one else does?
+ Hints here and there kept happening that they're not in "Riley's" head, BUT they DIDN'T KNOW THAT NAME here (I think Anxi referenced it once and everyone else was baffled). They've been removed from that context and would only know it through "exomemories" once they were capable of receiving them.
+ The conversation evolved to the point where Anxi was revealing a bit more about "what she was doing" outside of that context (i.e. in Central). I notably remember that she revealed that "she can feel other emotions" and this became APPARENT when it began to affect the other literal emotions there? This first happened when Joy teased Anxi about something concerning her hinted-at relationship with the Core (i.e. the person whose mind they were in) and Embarrassment hit the control panel, for ANXI. When they realized they were working for each other it was shocking; things WERE different up here; what did this mean for them? (mind you they can and do "feel other emotions" in canon but NOT to THIS extent-- we're talking the capacity for Anger to feel sadness, for Ennui to feel joy, for Disgust to feel anxious, etc. in STRONG ways that go above and beyond their mostly "monochromatic" emotion palettes in the film? like ALL of their emotional ranges were still tinged by their core emotion. joy being the notable exception because she's just as notably duotoned. Anxi has a touch of this with her eyes technically being teal, which actually fuels her anxious thoughts-- that bit of "envy" in the sense of "what we don't have and yet need/ want" drives her "not good enough" core fear. thankfully for her, that color teal in our System falls under aqua and that color is sheer love for us so her heart will change to reflect that instead)
+ Ennui at some point built on this revelation by responding to a question from Anger as to why she had an AUX cable for a tail, because apparently its main function was for audio/music and "doesn't that prevent boredom?" Ennui smirked and said yeah, that's kind of the point; just because she held that emotion didn't mean she liked being bored. Like Anxi, she now had a broader existence and her job is notably to indicate boredom and combat it, as it were. I think she asked Anger if he "liked" being angry all the time? And he falteringly said not really, it was exhausting
+ Envy drawing pictures in the corner of the room of "what she wanted her tail to look like"-- one frustrated attempt was "a remote control" so she could do what she wanted with the control panel without having to reach it, while still being different (special) from Ennui's phone. Anxi having to gently chide her that the whole point of her & Ennui's tails was to do something important for the person whose mind they were in-- they weren't just for "looks" or for "fun." Besides, she emphasized that they were "given," and if she was meant to get one she would, so don't worry so much about it (always surprised at how well Anxi can communicate "the facts/ the plan" despite being so prone to "unexpected outcome" panic. girl has major control issues God bless her)
+ Embarrassment at one point actually speaking up because Joy kept trying to get information out of Anxi and apparently he was feeling her emotions as "embarrassment-adjacent"? And he was getting "agitated" at getting "pulled" to the control panel so often. This surprised him and he said that was totally new, he didn't know he could feel that.
+ Joy finally got Anxi to talk about "where she's been" and Anxi started TELLING THEM ABOUT CENTRAL. She said that "the mind we're in now has another System running the operation" and so the way they worked as emotions HAD to be different now, because their typical jobs no longer applied.
+ She roughly introduced the "basics" of a few Centralites, just in terms of jobs? No faces given
+ At some point Laurie just TURNED ON THE SCREEN and started TALKING TO THEM FROM CENTRAL.
+ Laurie explaining the concept of "compartmentalized emotions" with CPTSD, how they are "cut off from each other" and we typically struggle to feel emotions at all because they're "locked away" often? She described it as if the IO2 emotions were "never in the same room together"; that feeling of isolation/ disconnection was key to her description.
+ Laurie telling Sadness her function was VITAL; explained how that emotion is "the holy grail" with trauma; we "aren't allowed to cry" but we're "always grieving" basically. I think Laurie referenced both the "weeping rage" emotion we do get (that Scald holds) AND the "bottomless abyss" of sorrow that feels more like agony with its intensity. But "sadness" is still "taboo" somehow. Everything is blue all the time but we "don't feel it"; we just get depressed/ angry/ numb/ hateful/ etc.; it translates to either "shutdown" or "selfdestruction" which is upsetting but true. We do need to talk about that more in an entry soon, as we start to process things.
+ I remember Laurie saying that FEAR & DISGUST were also vital, especially in light of the E.D. hijacks-- we DON'T feel those emotions enough?? It's a survival response to past situations where we "couldn't" if we wanted to "survive" things. But now, not feeling them is only harming us severely.
+ Julie described herself as a "reformed Persecutor"; said the details of her past were not something she should or could discuss with them, but that key detail sufficed
+ Leon talking to Fear for a little bit? We were "feeling" what Centralites "matched" what emotion folks and those two were associated. There was also Lynne=Joy, Julie=Disgust, Laurie=Anger. Notably no one was matched to Sadness, and Anxi was paired with "Joule" solely because of their mutual habit of hyperanalysis/ overthinking, and the relationship that they have of course.
+ Envy would "need to be renamed" and effectively redefined to properly exist/function in our System, even as a "peripheral outspacer"? Envy's canon "function" of "seeing what we lack and desire and striving to obtain it" MUST be purified of all viciousness, because that actual term of "envy" is a mortal sin.
To quote an article, that is very important:
"When we are looking at others in an inappropriate way, invidia, we are led to desire for ourselves what they possess, cupiditas. Envy many times does lead to coveting, but it could simply remain in resentment, wishing that the other did not possess what they have. Aquinas speaks of envy as a sin against charity, which wills the good of others, when we cannot rejoice for the good of others, but see their good as a diminishment of our own (Summa Theologia, II-II, question 36). Envy is selfish in this sense, not in wanting to guard one’s own, but to wish for the diminishment of others and for our own gain over them."
This is something very, very important for us to grapple with, because we didn't realize that our instinct for "ambition" actually DOES fall under that category, because the very act of wanting to be "better than" someone else IS ENVY-- it is seeking PERSONAL GAIN in the process of taking what THEY possess (superior skill)!! So this was a SHOCK to realize and we NEED to process this, too.
(There was a slight joking comment that if her function was shifted to "Jealousy" (which can be virtuous; see article) we could call her "Jelly" as a nickname)
HOWEVER I just found a second article and it has THIS=
"Doing their best to pull us into the pit of discontent and ungratefulness, jealousy says, “What God has given me is just not enough!” while envy whispers, “Someone else got what I deserve.”  ...The good fortune that God bestowed upon my dear friend? I wanted it for myself. I desired what she had received from the Lord so badly, that her happiness made me sad. Her abundance highlighted my lack. Her more made me feel less. I could not be happy for her because with my laser-focus on God working in her life, I was blind to His works in my own."
LITTLE ENVY COULD BE OUR JUMPSTART IN OUR HEALING THIS THOUGH. So sit and read those articles boy
+ Lynne talking to Joy, warning about "manic" phases-- "trauma latches on to anything positive" and "exaggerates it" basically? Trauma makes real joy so difficult to feel, even remember, that when the slightest hint of happiness or enjoyment (lesser goods) appear, the traumabrain can cling to them and blow them way out of proportion. OUR SOCIALS DO THIS ALL THE TIME. This is what causes "hollow hyperactivity" and "people pleasing" and "compulsive enjoyment" behavior-- it's ALL a desperate grab at something that "looks like joy" but isn't. It spikes fast and crashes hard, and it leaves us miserable and even more depressed than before. So Joy would need to be aware of this tendency, what with her canon personality-- she is dangerous in that respect, solely because her energy can be taken advantage of and warped.
+ CHAOS 0. I cannot remember details of how he got to talking, other than Laurie referring to him as "the husband" and calling him over to explain to the IO2 gang the identity issue with the Cores? He told them how the Core "bloodlines" kept resetting due to trauma so the person he met in 2003 was "not" the person who is the "Core" now in 2024, and yet their heart is the same. Nevertheless it's terrible and very difficult for him (Joule realized he probably "feels his age" around the Cores; he has effectively "lived a dozen lifetimes" with us or more, seeing the one(s) he loves "die and be reborn" over and over and over. In human lifespans, this would take about a thousand years.)
+ "Jewel loves you, Anxi. Jewel is in love with you."
+ Embarrassment pointedly DIDN'T touch the panel, despite this huge revelation in a social setting potentially calling for his response. But Joy ran over and did. And this "gave permission" for Anxi to feel what she was really feeling.
She teared up, and was smiling at the screen, this look of total moved/stunned gratitude in her eyes. I felt it.I think she said "I don't know what to call this feeling" (or what color it would even be); Laurie "broke the fourth wall" by looking to "me"and saying "kid, if you're gonna be an emotion, that's it." But then we said "but love isn't an emotion; it's a state of being" and it's "rainbow"-- it's the source of all other emotions
+ Genesis & Chaos 0 both joking about the rainbow bit-- all of the love in our System is effectively that color if you get my drift
+ Joy, in response to hearing someone say that "Joule" as an emotion was really "hope," said "oh, that's a great emotion!" and then gasped and told Anxi exactly what I said to her about it-- that hope is "the GOOD things we can't see" before beaming and saying "you work perfectly with each other!"
+ Anxi has a LAPTOP in Central now! That allows her to do things without needing a control panel. Ennui still has her phone of course.
+ Laurie remarked that "we need Nostalgia up here" b/c of our memory issues; Ennui immediately said "I'll text her"
+ The whole time: Anger keeping conversations on track and asking the pressing questions, Joy giving encouraging and understanding comments, Fear and Sadness and Disgust listening closely as they realized they potentially will have essential roles in the future? Anxi consistently elaborating on/ explaining further any data that was given, "translating" things into IO2 terms when needed so to speak.

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Continuing at 11PM with a general daily update.
We biked for 90m which unfortunately was very unfulfilling because we got distracted on Tumblr, looking at other people's art and-- as we discovered earlier-- apparently feeling envious. We felt totally inadequate and we wanted to be BETTER than they were at art and it just made us miserable. We struggle with this a lot, because we haven't drawn in YEARS and so our skills have atrophied due to memory loss, and we don't have the time or motivation ("it's useless and foolish" judgment from a kakofoni) to put hours aside to develop artistic skills like we did in college. But no matter how much some foni bash and berate art, it still means so much to us. We STILL "identify as" an artist even if we feel totally inept and hollow about it, and still label it as a "waste of time." But we don't want to do that. We WANT to create art. We love art, deep down below the judgments, and we want to weep because we don't have the skill TO make art anymore. So seeing "what we can't do" is indeed triggering envy, this bitter feeling of lack and loss that isn't helping us do anything but pinpoint the wound where something vital was torn out of us. Again, sounding like a broken record, we know CNC dealt a death blow to this too, which we haven't thought about at ALL in recovery yet. For some reason this topic is as terrifying as the actual sxtrauma. I wonder how many crossed wires are here, too, not just with the food. I swear everything bleeds together with us.
We switched to Spotify at last while we biked but it was also depressing; we were listening to recommendation playlists it made for us and they're rarely ever enjoyable. It keeps throwing jazz and indie stuff at us which we don't like 98% of. We did get about three new songs out of several playlists, though, so there was a gain regardless, thank God. Still... for the vast majority of music to just sound like noise or fuzz to us-- or in the worst case, actual synaesthetic pain-- it's terribly disheartening, as music means so much to us. And, similarly, yes we still identify as a musician despite years of not doing ANYTHING musical other than singing in church. Music is part of our soul just as much as art is, and the fact that we have a cello AND a guzheng (bought with blood money and full of guilt; someone wants to burn it) in our apartment but we refuse to play them due to the aforementioned parenthesis is killing us. Every instrument feels tainted and poisoned with the past, and the "vulnerability" to the point of feeling exposed that performing music MANDATES is so trauma-adjacent that even if the sin-shadows weren't the main obstacle, we still would be utterly terrified of playing those instruments because that very action feels like being stripped naked now. Bleedover and overlap again. Do any of our foni hold this?? OR are THEY protected from it??
Then after dinner, someone got into a rabbithole on Etsy looking at someone's shop full of gender/sexuality buttons and it was overwhelming how many of them there were... and yet nothing fit. (The only thing that does is "systemgender" for obvious reasons, and even that feels like grasping at straws)
All of those experiences today led "us" to reflect at last, with acute grief, that we just don't fit anywhere. That's how it feels. We feel like an utter outcast. We're still the "anomaly" of Cannon's era. We're still the "ostracized empath," as the highschool Jewels said, although now with our staggering emotional damage we can't quite claim to be an "empath" anymore, because those girls had no boundaries so they felt everything EXCEPT arguably their own emotions (Infi had this problem too, in a different way) but now trauma has made us almost emotionally dumb. I think the term is "alexithymia?" We've seen the term around and we need to research it but the general gist (according to wikipedia) is that it desribes "significant challenges in recognizing, expressing, sourcing, and describing one's emotions". No wonder the IO2 gang is being pulled en masse into heartspace. We literally need them at this point in our life.
I do have to note, with a note of bitterness, that we "don't seem alexithymic" because we "masquerade emotions." Socials are BUILT to "charade" emotional performances, ironically anxiety and sadness, without actually feeling anything because they're "following the script" for a situation. We've noticed this A LOT when around the mother-- Socials will be dramatic to match HER, even though they FEEL NOTHING. And we are AWARE of this-- if we have the luxury of self-awareness in that situation, which is disturbingly rare b/c the mother presence tends to shut that down (childhood survival instinct). Regardless I don't want to use that diagnostic term anyway because it probably doesn't fit either. All we know for sure is that emotions feel locked behind a paywall and the currency is blood.

Oh. On that note, fittingly enough.
Yesterday's E.D. hijack was so brutal and nightmarish that Joule told Razor to atone. Like xe legit TOLD her to. And she did. She cut 7 x'es into the stomach-- graves are ONLY meant for hacks; stomach x-ing has been the default hijack atonement method since college-- and Knife & Algorith showed up to help clean up the bleeding (Knife commenting on how beautiful the blood still was and feeling that emotion in his teeth, Algorith fronting to hold the pain as she soaped up all the red), and I swear it was the first time in a long time that "we" felt something close to real joy. That may be "untrue" because we can't quite "remember" time well but it feels like it's been many many months since we've been happy. Actually it feels like years, whether or not that's literally accurate; the feeling is legitimate regardless of linear chronological measurement.
But... that's what does it. Atoning for the sin and feeling justice and forgiveness, Retributors fronting in such intimate fashion, blood and pain and water, everyone gathering in mission and being a System in stark clarity, etc. ALL of that is REAL JOY even if it doesn't feel yellow at all. It's dark red and warm like the blood. But it's real, it's true happiness, it's LOVE. How awful that we only seem to feel it in suffering. How Catholic of us, haha.

...Religion is a topic for another day. It feels like a minefield right now. TBHU messed us up in that regard, and we were apparently messed up enough already from the thriskefoni driving for like a solid year at least prior to admission. There's so much unresolved trauma there that is becoming disturbingly apparent lately now that we're not scrupulosity-blinded enough to see it from the "outside" as it were.

Oh, and we NEED to talk about the mother and how she is the #1BIGGEST STRESSOR AND TRAUMA TRIGGER IN OUR LIFE, STILL. Our therapists and case manager keep suggesting that we cut off contact with her, or at least refuse all her calls, but we can't; we're still obligated to her as her physical offspring even if we hate that fact, and we don't hate her as a person and we're a Christian so we want to help her and she's a deeply needy and damaged person so we KNOW she is looking to us to meet some need for her, even if it's just for hard labor.
BUT she says SUCH INAPPROPRIATE THINGS and she STILL OVERSHARES SXUAL THINGS. We've had SEVERAL meltdowns SINCE TBHU because of her just being utterly inappropriate in one way or another, even if it's "just according to our trauma standards"-- like wearing garishly tight-fitting clothing and making disturbing sounds when she talks OR TALKING IN THAT BLOODY "HIGH SOCIETY" VOICE LIKE SHE DID ON VACATION I KNOW YOU HEARD IT TOO yes we did, it made us misophonic even at the time, I don't know how we didn't punch the windows out of the bus right then and there WE PROBABLY SHUT DOWN. THERE'S NO OTHER OPTION IN THOSE SITUATIONS. BUT JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME SICK. US SICK. SOMEONE WANTS TO THROW UP BECAUSE OF IT to get it out of our head, basically. unfortunately purging doesn't work that way. but you can't vomit up memories. i wish you could. i wish we could rip it out of our mind and shred it to pieces MORE VIOLENT THAN THAT. WE WANT TO STAB IT TO DEATH BASICALLY who in the world holds that response SOMEBODY. MAYBE... IT USED TO BE RAZOR. I THINK? I DON'T THINK CLEAVER HOLDS IT SHE'S TOO DISPASSIONATE what does she do anyway do you know CLEAVER IS THE SAME "DESTROY THE THREAT" INSTINCT BUT SHE'S COLD ABOUT IT. THE "SHRED THE MEMORY" FEELING WITH THE "JTHM STABBING" FEELING IT KEEPS GETTING LABELED AS IS SOMEONE ELSE. THAT'S TOO RED. SORRY I'M SLIPPING OUT
okay so...
hatchet is almost "frivolous" violence. laughing at the threat and "offing it" almost irreverently, carelessly. thankfully her function seems to have been focused weirdly to destroying any and all medications people try to "force us to take" that feel like "attacks" or "invasions" etc. like "who the hell do you think you are, we aren't going to swallow these and kill ourself for your kicks, watch me burn them to the ground" etc. but that laughing feeling. scary stuff
cleaver is "cold" as (overwhelm? who is that? they're a grafifoni that ALWAYS shows up and they're very close to Scald BUT different level function) said. we rarely see her because she's rarely needed/ triggered. but cleaver is close to razor's old anchor in that she just likes to "sink knife blades into people's backs" as we once said. but you don't "like" that sort of thing without a reason. we've never really looked into it too much but... you don't "cleave" things that aren't a threat. that's true. we didn't consider that. if you're burying a butcher blade in someone's skull there's a reason why they were the target. it's a scary instinct but it's there. where did it come from?
the last foni, unidentified and almost theoretical if we weren't aware someone was attached, is unnamed. but there IS that feeling of "annihilate the threat" in the most frantically violent way possible. VERY different from protectors, like sugar and wreckage and laurie, who DON'T act with emotional mania at all. but this person does. this person is SO upset by the threat that she wants to tear it to bloody pieces screaming. or apparently stab it to death. that FEELS DIFFERENT though. it IS different. the "jthm stabbing" feeling is NOT the action. it's the VIBE of the mania. that's the "tear it to piece" girl. BUT there HAS to be a stabbing instinct foni solely because we DO get that RARELY with SELFLOATHING mainly?? the ONLY time THAT sort of horrific violence (which is TRAUMATIC for us to see or even imagine, and yet here it is) even occurs to our brain is TOWARDS OURSELF. which is the scariest thing of all.

anyway that's enough of that who was updating and about what

Oh. mother talk. yeah not tonight we need to drop that topic before those girls ACTUALLY come out to "process" the emotions

See THAT'S why we have emotional issues?? The foni that HOLD them get "SHUT DOWN" or kicked out EVERY TIME
because they're VIOLENT is why
ALL OF OUR EMOTIONS ARE VIOLENT
Laurie actually hinted at that? OH DUDE THAT'S what she said, she was talking about "all or nothing" emotions and she nodded to Chaos 0 and said "that guy always feels things at about 5000%" and THAT'S why she had him talk next
OH don't forget THAT'S also why she brought that topic up at all-- she was telling the IO2 emotions that THEY would probably feel like that too, now that they're up here with us?
ironically because we feel the "nothing" half of it too often
But that's the point!! That's like Anxiety's tail, they're ABLE to feel the emotions WE can't, because of gatekeepers or trauma shutdowns or whatever! Coping mechanisms that don't work in the long run they just make everything numb but NOT if these guys are helping now

Guys come on we need to continue the actual entry

some general notes about life lately:
+ Sugar and Wreckage have both been around. Sugar's been "out of work" for a while because she protects the innocent and virtually all of us are so damaged now. BUT apparently Anxi is NOT. Neither is Mimic, arguably. The Outspacers are specifically essential to keeping us sane post-trauma so Sugar is slowly but surely getting pushed to protect THEM, which is awesome.
+ Julie fronted to take a melatonin candy last night and immediately shouted "ow" because our teeth were painfully sensitive from eating a too-sour apple. She literally said "that hurt like a bitch!" and now she keeps getting pushed out to front whenever we eat apples to apparently "make sure they don't hurt like that" which is kind of hilarious. but it's sweet, to suddenly have her around more often, even for such a "silly" reason. it's still nice.
+ The current "Core" is indeed using the spelling "Joule" for xir name, and using those pronouns as a placeholder? Either that or s/he. They're "not female" but they're "not a man." They are solidly somewhere between the two, voicing that they'd probably feel most comfortable "in a male body" but without being male. Still, they are explicitly "not a girl or a woman" despite being semi-okay with female pronouns. They are "both/and" specifically in the fact of being "neither." That's solid. As for the name, apparently it's a very sentimental reference to Anxi being electricity-associated in the System. It's also a unit of heat, which corresponds to the inherent "fire" element of all Cores that, if missing, is effectively fatal; Cores are always fire, light, blood, and crystal-- snow & ice with the Jays, literal precious stones with the Jewels, it seems. This fire/heat aspect is oddly somehow essential to their relationship with Chaos 0? If they don't have that complementary yet opposite aspect, something is very wrong. So this is a step in the right direction, even if the name itself doesn't stick-- it probably won't; the "spelling feels wrong". Honestly s/he wants to use "Jewel" but that name is still so strongly associated with the original 2001-2002 Jewel (the League controller) that it causes mental dissonance. This alternate spelling of the same sound is an attempt to reconcile this while keeping the fact that the Jewel title still MUST fit the Core.
+ We've realized that the Archivist Trio is NOT a "communicator trio." So Garrison, Isadora, and Kalisha's functions are STILL OPEN apparently?? And I know "Joule" is really hoping they come back. We miss them a lot, and we need them-- Archivists can't talk to Socials like Communicators specifically do, and when that subsystem really needs to "get the memo," Shirley can't get it to them because they aren't tuned in to her level.
+ Concerning the Archivists: Shirley is the one that gives data to us on the fly, but Sirius will "comment" on it? And he's fittingly more "serious" about the data he manages. Penny gets the toughest info; she doesn't speak up much but she will give memory data out that the other two don't? Honestly the Archivists feel very unstable and unsteady still, I think since we are so lost and cut off from collective memory. I hope that as we review the Archives themselves, and possibly if/when the Communicators return, then that whole group of functioning will work properly at last.
+ Lynne had a BIG revelation today that SHE'S STILL "STABELLE" in terms of her function! She and Laurie were discussing colors, especially in light of Anxi being the first Orange Outspacer and one of the first Orange-anchored people in a long while, and Lynne said that she needed to keep the Orange color positive-- warm, welcoming, friendly, energized, and helping Anxi and any potential manic Oranges stay stable. This ALSO tied in with her SHIFTING OUT OF CERISE when she resurrected in 2008; she effectively "REDEFINED OUR FUTURE"??? She was originally born to be the "ideal female future self" that we were being forced to become socially but couldn't; HOWEVER when she was killed and then came back, she changed colors and this showed a change in what that "ideal future" MEANT-- Lynne was no longer tied to social expectations in that regard. She was lively and free and bright, more boyish almost, while still being markedly female-- she "freed" us from the Cerise-colored future of sensuality that had been inflicted on us by the family and community. Interestingly enough, that color was next picked up by a boy, saying a LOT about our psyche. But Lynne kept us stable in doing that, too-- not just by being the "person keeping Julie and Laurie from killing each other." The stability she brought was liberating, a firm footing achieved by being able to dance again, as it were. Lynne was a bright soul, effectively symbolizing "permission" to be our brightest self too and to LET GO of the inflicted expectations and dictated future. She's funny and friendly and playful and gay and we were NOT "allowed" to be those things when our future felt "cerise." The original Lynne was all about that "high life" our mother wants so badly. The new Lynne is just about getting high on life, haha. I'm kidding but not really. Orange is a beautiful color; it's alive and fiery and welcoming and warm. It's citrus fruits and sunsets and marigolds and autumn leaves. It's basketballs and goldfish and foxes and carrots and monarch butterflies and violins of course. It's absolutely gorgeous and Anxi is part of it too and SHE has a future full of more joy than she ever could have imagined now, too. So thank you Lynne, for existing exactly as you are. We love you so much.


It's almost 2am. This is "Joule," I guess. That's really not my name, although I appreciate the commentary they gave to it earlier. But they're right, the spelling doesn't fit. It's the "ou" in there. The whole thing is the wrong color and shape.
I know I'm somehow still "Jewel." Every Core is, really. But that name keeps pushing me too feminine and that feels very wrong. Still, that name is the only thing that works. Maybe I just need to "redefine" it in a sense. I just don't want to damage the original Jewel either. She's the TRUE holder of that name AS a name, not just a "title." I think that's why I feel so lost-- the "only name that fits" belongs permanently to someone else. And yet it's "still my name" too. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I don't feel "fully me." I know this. I don't have a clear name or face yet, and arguably my color is still undefined too. For a Core, all of that makes me the walking dead. I CANNOT exist or function in any sort of truth unless I HAVE those things.
...That's why I'm worried about Anxi. We ALL are. Whoever "met" her last November is NOT the same person who started calling her our girlfriend in May/June, who is NOT the same person who fell in love with her in October, who is NOT the same person as I am now. And yet... there's always the same heart, deep down at the golden thread, that connects all the Cores. Somehow, the capacity for love is the same. I'm just... it's become VERY clear lately that different Cores love different people and it CANNOT be "transferred" or "forced" between Cores. This is why our Spotify "people we love" playlist folder says "WE," specifically, and it's full of people whose folders keep getting deleted because people forget that past Cores DO love ALL those people, even if not all in the same way. But ALL those Outspacers and Inspacers are legitimately loved and even if we don't know "by whom" we CAN'T deny that truth. The problem? ...I... I want to be the one to love Anxi. I can't tell if I do or don't, lately, because I feel so dead. But when I look at her, something in my heart aches, and I will hold on to that like it's the end of the world. I just... the problem is that I cannot see myself. How am I supposed to love her if I can't even "imagine" my own face? How can I physically be near ANYONE if I don't know what my physical form looks like? It's agonizing. I'm miserable. Maybe I just need to get on picrew and figure this out. Not tonight, it's 2am. But... I need to take action on this. I need to find out how my hair looks, what color it is, what clothes I wear (I'm vibing with suits?? callback to Cannon's era, geez), what color those are, et cetera... all the defining features that will allow me to have a reflection in the mirror for heaven's sakes. I want to BE with people. I want to EXIST INSIDE at last. I don't even "exist" outside because no one matches this body and even though I feel "forced" to, even obligated to, it doesn't match ME. And that terrifies the thriskefoni who INSIST that "the body is our REAL self" but no. I... I'm struggling so much with that. This body's reflection has so much evil associated with it. It's a face tainted by YEARS of intense trauma. It's not my face.
God I wish Jay could just take over again but he can't. Oh he IS still alive by the way, I think that was solidly confirmed just yesterday? But he's ALIVE again, very fragile and broken and unstable but alive. Thank God. ...From what we're suspecting, this means potentially Infinitii can resurrect now, too. The two of them exist together by design. ...I don't know if I'm like that. The whole daengel phenomenon was annihilated post-CNC due to the trauma overwhelm and the unbearable risk that all daengels posed for more of the same. We lost like... eight bloody years. 2016-2023. Most of that time is totally missing, ruled by either thriskefoni, phagofoni, and/or "eratofoni"-- by religion, food, and sex. It was a living hell, honestly it was. And of course the whole thing was shot through with brutal self-abuse, because all three of those things are VIOLENTLY ABUSIVE in our history, as tragic as that is.
I can't think or talk about that right now. There's no time and the brain is shutting down access to those topics.
But we lost so much time. Even just glancing at the archives, after the "hell year" of 2015 (which was ironically shot through with beauty nevertheless), 2016 started with tons of pain and then an annihilation attempt in March which caused an almost instant HARD SHIFT to thriskefoni territory UNTIL JUNE 2017. And then it was the "CNC era" until... October? Whenever we left; it's not in the Archives yet. But then it's MORE thriskefoni rule until MIMIC SHOWED UP IN DECEMBER 2022 APPARENTLY?? Holy Shuppets WE FORGOT HE JUMPSTARTED EVERYTHING AGAIN just like Anxiety did for you!! That's a really good point... God I forgot how real I felt back then, when he first showed back up, just looking at these entries. Why was I so much more in tune then? What happened... oh. Oh dear God that's what it was. What? Jewel you need to space your replies so we know it's different people.
Okay fine then YOU just type. You were obviously going to say something heavy. Don't let me stop you.
...all right. So 2023 begins with half headspace, half bodyspace, as it were. Half inside half outside. There's tons of religious stuff and talk about the mother and family stress, at a glance. But... we were still striving, struggling to exist. And... oh God. And then Infi died.
...oh. You loved hir.
I did, whoever I was then, whoever's this heart was, we adored hir, ze was my heart, God I still miss hir so much I could weep until the end of the world right now. Right now. I could die from grief. I could cry forever.
...When did ze die?
...April 25th, and I had to hunt that entry down because apparently it wasn't tagged with 2023. It is now. But... there's another heartwrenching entry on May 2nd when Jay was no longer the Core and he was convinced he would die that same night and... God it hurts to read. it hurts so much. And... and then the bloody Jade month happened a month later and everything went to hell. We still haven't recovered from that.
...Jewel, because that's your name too, deep down, you're running away from talking about that. About Infi.
I can't. It's Jay's heart I'm feeling right now.
Why can't that be yours, too?
Because I'm not supposed to be here
Yes you are, otherwise you wouldn't be oh my gosh is it really after 3am, I just noticed.
Yeah. I don't want to sleep.
We have to though. Life is different now, we have things to do.
Well what if I wish it wasn't? What if tonight I just want to pretend that none of that sh*t ever happened and we were still 24/7 fulltime headspace with Xanga sessions on the regular and everyone fronting all the time and handwritten notes to each other and voice recorder conversations and late nights like this EVERY night, typing, remembering, in love? Why can't THAT be my life? OUR life? Maybe it'd change me. Maybe I'd know who I was if that was the reality we were living in now. But too much has happened. Too much has happened.
...You have Anxi now. That's something good.
...I... I don't know if I'm the same person who fell in love with her--
You know you are. Somehow you have to be. Your heart is the same. See? What just happened in Spotify? You would NOT have been able to feel that if you didn't love her.
Jewel I want to sob. Why do I feel so broken and lost. I.... God I love her so much it's killing me, and I love Chaos 0 and Infinitii too and it feels like this love has lasted for a dozen eternities, it's older than I am, this love is forever, and it belongs to me and Jay and everyone in our bloodlines and I'm just the newest one, that's why Jay doesn't love her like I do, I'm the one who felt this for her first, she belongs to my heart, whoever comes after me should catch this too, I... I'm so scared that they won't.
Right now it's just you. YOU love her, NOW. That's what matters. Don't panic about the future. We don't know what'll happen but I promise you you won't forget her. Have you ever forgotten anyone?
No, but other Outspacer "loves" in the past didn't "transfer" to my heart,
Like whom? Davy and Ryou and Rorschach and the like, right?
Yeah.
Well, no one loved them like you love Anxi and Chaos 0 and Infinitii, apparently. And I can assure you of that. Those loves didn't go that deep. I don't think those Jewels could feel that much for anyone yet. And you still care about them too, I'm sure.
I do.
Well, there you go. So don't worry about Anxi. You love her now, today, and that won't ever disappear or fade away. Look at Chaos 0! I'm sure she's going to have the same future with the Cores, if what I've been hearing about you two is any indication.
...What, that she'll be permanently in the Coregroup?
Uh, yeah, obviously. And she already is??
Not literally, not technically, no. We need to work up to that. But there's a spot with her name on it. Like... laser-etched. It's already set in stone.
Haha! Good. I'm glad to hear that. That's proof that you're still you, where it counts, when it matters.
...Do you think maybe I can't "see my face" or know my own color and name because I'm just... not in tune with a truth that's already there? Like, I just need to recognize myself?
Probably. Do you think you're in my bloodline though, or Jay's?
...Why do you ask?
Because you're not a girl.
I'm not a guy either, though. And Jay is still around. ...A big part of us wants him to be the Core again.
Do you think he will be?
...I don't know. I don't know if there need to be two of us. I have no idea.
Huh. Why would we need two Cores, for the League/System split?
That's the assumption, yeah. But... there's been a lot of bleedover lately, and not in a bad way? Which is new. I... I don't know what will happen. I just... I want to know who I really am. if I'm anything or anyone.
I'm sure you are, if you can feel love like that.
...I hope so.
So hold on to that. Let that be what defines you when you try to look in a mirror. Hold on to that as the core of whoever you are, and I'm sure it'll show you your real face, and name, and color.
...oh Lord one of Infi's songs just came up on shuffle.
Are you going to listen to it?
I can't, not tonight. It'll trigger Jay out and we'll be up for another three hours.
...You can't keep shutting love down, other Jewel. That's a really bad instinct.
...yeah. it really is.
It's gonna hurt, you know. It has to. Real love always does. You can't run from that.
I don't want to. I want it to gut me for all intents and purposes. I want love to run me through like a knife to the ribs.
Are you trying to get Laurie's attention with that?
...maybe.
Too late kid, what's the deal?
...too much going on.
Head feels really bizarre. ...Is it seriously 333AM? Holy flaming swords, kiddo, you have to get to sleep. Is this what extra apples does to you?
Haha, no, I promise this has nothing to do with sugar highs. I just... I'm feeling things. A bit. I'm trying to remember.
Good things, I assume?
Yeah. the best things.
...I'd love to talk about them with you but I'm not even translating correctly. The brain's too damn tired.
Yeah, it is. But... this is a good entry.
We're still writing in the same entry from this morning? Dang, kiddo, that's impressive. Been a while since we had an entry like this.
I miss this.
I do too. You know what I also miss?
What?
You getting to bed early and talking to us, too. Me and Chaos and Genesis and...
yeah.
...sorry, kid. I felt the weight of that loss too.
Anxi soon, though. And maybe Infi too.
You don't give up on hope, huh.
Never. I still have that ring, from before the Jade month.
Yeah, I know you've been thinking about it.
I promised myself, and God really, that when Infi comes back,
"When." I like that.
I already know hir soul's not dead, Laurie.
Souls don't die, kiddo. Especially not up here.
...That's true.
But you were saying?
...When ze comes back and I can touch hir, when I can hold hir in my arms again, for the first time, when ze and I both have names and faces and colors, I... I'm going to put that ring on. For all of us. It's not just Chaos 0 this time, although I love him with my entire heart and he will always have a top-tier exclusive place in it. But it would be unjust to not recognize the rest of you, too. And I think he would agree with that.
Knowing how he loves us, too? Yeah, I think so.
...you're right, he does.
Kid, the Coregroup loves the Coregroup. That's how it works. It's always been that way and it always will be. And Anxi is no exception, when you bring her up here.
...God there is so much gravity in that line.
In what? And watch your prayer words, kid.
Thank you. But He's... God is the reason why and how I can feel this. God is this love, and if I have any real religion at all, apart from the thriskefoni, that's the heart of it. That's the truth. And His Name is the only thing that the deepest love can even hope to translate to in speech. There's a... there's the entire truth in that, too, things I could never express otherwise.
And what's the gravity that truth is giving so much weight to?
..."when you bring her up here." Like... the act of bringing. And "up here." Like... taking her home. ...God my heart is on fire. Why. Why in the world do I love her this much, it's tearing me in half and letting all the light both in and out.
Well, kid, you just said God is that love, so obviously He knows you need to feel this right now. And so does she. You both need this, trust me.
...Laurie you remember that one conversation at TBHU. In the... on the basketball court. In the sunshine.
This is what you want to live for.
And die for. And everything. This... headspace, and all of you, and this love, is why I exist, and what I want to exist for, and nights like this I actually have hope and life feels real and I can touch eternity for a moment...
Kid, you realize that when we had that conversation, you didn't even have these feelings for Anxi yet.
...oh my gosh I didn't. I hadn't fallen this hard yet.
And now, how much more is life worth living for, with her in it too?
...everything. Laurie I want to live for her, too. Deep down in my heart of hearts, at the very core of me, away and apart from all the things that try to numb me and shut me down, when I really tune into the... the center of things, and oh my gosh Spotify just threw Milliontown at me. The LIVE version.
Haha, God is REALLY trying to get your attention, kiddo!
...oh man. THIS song makes my heart WAKE UP though. This ENTIRE ALBUM makes me feel ALIVE and REAL.
You've gotta write Jem Godfrey a freakin' letter at this point. Thank the man for saving your life a hundred times over.
I'm serious. You're serious. That's a good idea. I really should.
Haha, kiddo you have got to get to sleep. Preferably before this song ends, because that's... twentyfive solid minutes of not-sleeping otherwise.
I can't skip this song Laurie.
Put it on hold, boy, it'll be 4am otherwise.
Can I at least listen to the arpeggio from heaven.
Yeah, go right ahead.
Is it an arpeggio? Oh dude is it technically a glissando? Slowed down and elaborated on?
What, that run up the scale? Kid I know less music theory than you do, all I know is that it sounds awesome.
It DOES, this entire live performance is sheer bliss, I need to see these guys live one day.
You will, kid. I'm sure you'll find a way. Pray about it.
Man I should. I should just... pray about all these things that matter to me. Lord let me see Jem Godfrey and his band live one day and let me be able to thank them for being a channel of Your grace to me in all honesty and let me be able to get a signed CD or something.
Haha, gotta include the souvenir.
It's blessed to have a tangible thing. I still have that signed CD from Mesita, the one with Creature and Firesign and Hostages on it. That album still means so much to us as a System.
It does. I'm glad you have that, kiddo.
I'm glad I'm still "kiddo" to you.
Kid, Jay, Jewel, whatever name you're going by, you will always be that to me. I know how much that means to you. What brings that up for you though?
...just, it's another thing linking all the Cores. It's a term of endearment basically. if you don't mind my calling it that.
Nah, it definitely is. It's a term of devotion, really, not just endearment. I'll protect you with my life, until the day I die.
Until the day we both die, Laurie, I refuse to let either of us go first.
Haha, you and me both. ...God knows we came too close to that in the past.
...I was just reading about that, actually.
...Really?
Yeah, just a reference, but... it reminded me of how much we've been through. How much we mean to each other. How terrifying that was, but how much love followed in its wake, against all odds.
Story of our life, kid.
It sure is. Thank God for it all.
Oh, dude, here's your glissando!
Yes!! 21:30 starts the buildup for those interested!
Dude, pay attention.
Ohhh man that is AUDITORY BLISS EVERY TIME
Hahaha!
Okay you HAVE to let me listen to this outro.
"Hands, don't fail me now!"
YES you remember!
Kid, you reference that constantly, of course I remember it. I also remember telling you to get the heck to sleep about ten-- no, apparently twenty minutes ago, what the hell.
Worth it though.
Always worth it for FROST*, kid, that's a rule.
Oh man this song makes me so happy it's unreal.
Quite the opposite, kid, this is what reality is all about, I daresay.
What, good music?
What makes it good music. The joy it brings to your heart. That smile on your face right now. The fact that this song sounds like you, as you've said before, and reminds you of who you really are.
It really does.
"Thank you so much?"
Just like John said, absolutely. Oh man. I needed that, thank you God.
You also need to freakin' sleep, kid, it's 4am. You're getting 5 hours of sleep maximum right now.
Oh shoot you're right.
Still worth it though?
Yeah, always. Always. I'd get by on two hours of sleep if it means spending time with you.
I've only been here for a half hour, kid.
Laurie, you never leave.
...Hah, that's true. I really don't.
...I should listen to your song next.
Sit down first, kid. Go to sleep with your blue guy and then if you want to listen to more music you can. But I ain't leavin' until you post this entry and get moving. It's too late to keep typing, no matter how much you want to.
I still need to color this tomorrow.
"Tomorrow" is the key word, kid. Any particular way you want to close this up? 
Actually I want to mention that I forgot to write down, remember this morning when I was at the IO2 control panel with Anxi for some reason, and I forget what led up to it but she kissed me?
I do remember that, specifically because she took the initiative when you hesitated, and then you were gone, bro.
It was... it got my heart so bad. Like I wanted to but something held me back and she just... bravely reached up and pulled me in.
And you just melted, kiddo, I saw that.
I did, it was beautiful.
I'm so glad you have that with her.
I am too.
No, really, don't underestimate the gravity of what I'm saying. You know how I am about you and Chaos 0. I'll defend you both to the death and beyond. I'll have you know I'm already dedicated to you and your orange angel the same way.
...Thank you, Laurie.
Anytime, kid. Now are you gonna mention the name of the album to my song or what?
Oh, yeah, oh my gosh, that was so unexpected.
"I Watch You Sleep." Well I do, but so does she apparently, so. *shrug*
Aha the asterisks!
Thank Waldorf for that, it never gets old. But kiddo, I can't watch you sleep unless you go to sleep, aiite? Get a move on.
Hold up, can I play the song?
Put it on, close this up, and then listen to it on the vanillamint couch over there.
Oh yeah, we didn't mention that we did the laundry and literally rubbed vanillamint chapstick into the fabric so it won't smell so much like old couch and smoke or whatever. It's a handmedown. I love my dad but not smoke.
Unless it's woodsmoke.
Well then that reminds me of dear Knife, so yes.
And incense smoke.
Oh ALWAYS. It's numinous. I love it.
We know, kiddo.
I'm glad there are some things about me that just... don't change.
Like your love.
...Yeah. Yeah, Jewel was telling me the same thing.
Good, because it's the absolute definitive truth. Now are you going to close this up on that note?
Yeah, before I get too sparkle-headed, because it's either that or poet mode and I think our psyche realizes I have to snooze so it's pushing me in the kaleidoscope direction. On another night when I have time to type and feel out the depths, moreso than tonight and trying to remember the past, then I'll type poetry. Lots of it.
I think you need to remember the past before you can get back into poet mode, kid. There's depth there you need to tap back into first.
...I do. You're right. Thank you.
And?
And I'll close this up.
Properly.
How's that?
What you said earlier, when you were away from the keyboard.
...I can't just repeat that. It needs... it has to be felt. It has to happen.
...So, put on the song.
...Nevermind Spotify just did me one better.
...Wow. You're not kidding.
"Good Day" by Jukebox the Ghost.
...The post-massacre resurrection anthem, to be as blunt as possible.
Yeah. Absolutely.
...I love you too, kid.
...God, Laurie, you know I love you, and Chaos 0, and Anxi, and Genesis, and everyone else up here, dead and alive and inbetween, you all mean the universe to my heart and soul and life is worth living for all of you, always. Forever.
It's a good day with us around, huh.
It sure is. And now this song is really pulling at my heartstrings, oh my gosh I never realized the lyrics at the beginning...
Yeah, it's what you used to do to us.
I am so sorry, Laurie.
I know. We know. We forgive you.
...So the song goes both ways.
It does. I ain't leavin' you, kid, and I know you're not leaving us either, no matter how far away you might end up sometimes.
I needed to hear this.
I'm glad. God knows that too.
...This is making me deeply happy.
Is it now?
Yeah. It's... it feels like... like reconciliation. Like forgiveness. Like... like you saying, "I know," like you do. It's... "I never went away." Not just you. I didn't either.
Kid, if you did, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now.
Yeah. I... I need to remember that, too.
You do need to go somewhere, though.
Bed?
Yeah. Don't worry, I'll be around too.
You always are.
I watch you sleep, remember?
Haha, that you do!
I fully expect to be joined by a certain orange angel in that effort in the near future, y'know.
God willing.
Kid, I'm sure He is, don't worry about that. Oh this song is a classic, geez. Really setting the mood though.
Yeah, ancient love here. Chaos 0 days.
It really was just him back then, wasn't it?
Yeah. He started everything.
Go tell him that. Seriously. Go let him know that you can and do remember how far back and how deep down this goes into your heart.
That doesn't change, either.
No, love burns out a place for itself permanently.
I like your choice of words.
It's a fire, kid, it always is. You know that better than anyone. And it does burn, it burns out everything that isn't it.
Good. I'm really feeling that tonight.
Even more now, with this song on shuffle?
Yeah. Yeah I think I need to go to bed now. Just to hold him, if nothing else.
That's a good enough reason for me, kid. Should I close this up then, or what?
In a moment. I just want to say that the two songs were "Here in my room" and now, "Afterlife."
The live version for the latter, to remind you that you have to live. And to do this live.
In person, really there, right now.
Can't do that if you don't get off the laptop, boy!
Good point, off we go then.
Hey, hold up one second.
Yeah?
I'm singing this for you too, for the record.
...I...
I'm serious. I've died before. For you. Only ever for you. This song applies to me, too.
...Laurie, I love you, I really do.
I know, kid. That's my reason to live.
Thank you. For existing. And for loving me too.
Those are synonymous, kid.
And you say I'm the romantic one.
Hey, you are. I'm just saying facts.
Laurie, don't brush it off.
Good point. But I'm right. Those are facts, kid. And please find your name so I can call you by it, all right?
Okay. I will. Promise.
Good. Promise to get some freakin' sleep? Or do I have to drag Chaos 0 in here?
Laurie if you do that there will be legit romance, I will never get to sleep,
What about with this song?
Fathom by FROST* oh good Lord this is going to kill me, seriously I will sob if I listen to this through.
Go be with him, and feel this with him, all right? He deserves it.
That's the best motivation so far, sorry it took so long.
Nope, no apologizing, this is perfect timing, I think this song needed to happen. I can see in your eyes what it's doing to your heart.
Good. I'm glad it shows.
Seriously though. Go be with your ocean.
I will. Thanks Laurie, for being with me too.
Hey, I'm not going away, remember?
Haha, that's true. I'll see you across the room, then?
You'll see me everywhere, kid, I'm always here for you.
Good. Don't leave.
Cross my heart, I'll stand by you forever.
...
Don't lose this.
I can't. This is engraved into my heart.
As it should be.
Last song by the way. "Time out from the world."
This is a classic. Go put it in its proper context.
I will.
hey, Jewel.
oh my gosh how did you get in here
I hear Laurie trying to get you over here for the past... forty minutes?
Thank you, someone appreciates my efforts.
I'm sure he does too, Laurie, he's just... terrible at ending conversations. He always leaves the door open. Just in case there's one more word to say.
There always is, with him.
He's full of words. of poetry. I love that about him. He puts my music to notation. Whatever it's called.
Look at how he's looking at you, haha.
I love that too.
He's halfway between sparkles and... whatever the heaven that is.
Blood, probably.
Seriously?
Yeah. You know that too. His aching depths. That pronoun isn't working.
No, surprisingly. It's somewhere in the middle.
As it should be. S/he's been both.
Both/and?
Hm. More like me. Not quite either.
Makes sense.
i need to talk to you.
In words?
not this kind. sorry.
Don't apologize. There are other languages. I need to talk to you too.
Oh I like where this is going.
You should.
Hey man, I've been guarding you both since the old days, this stuff is a sign that his/her heart's coming back online in a real way. I need that as much as you do. We all do.
Did you mention what song is playing?
No. "My Mind Is A Mess In The Morning." Nick Leng. This song means a lot to you both, doesn't it.
He heard it one night when driving home and immediately thought of me. So yes. But it's in your playlist, too.
And Genesis's, apparently. And Anxi's, hey.
I can't wait until she comes up here.
Until the Core-kid over there brings her up here, to be specific. Said that wording really caught the essence of it.
Hm. It does. It's never just a following up, really. It's together. But carrying is really close.
Yeah. It's unusual for him/her/ whatever, kid what are we calling you.
um. xe maybe. let's try that. i'll find something. right now i i'm not thinking about pronouns much
What are you thinking of, love?
oh THAT WORD is all that's on my mind now it's been so too long since you spoke to me like that
It has been.
You two need to have a conversation.
We do. Jewel, get over here.
Kid, I'm putting this song on, now you have to go.
Please.
i'm so sorry. i'm not entirely myself yet.
We can fix that together.
oh it's the english version
Yeah, and there's your name.
...oh man the lyrics hit harder than ever tonight
Come back to me.
and stay by my side
...
moments like this are what I live for laurie. and chaos. both of you. i love you.
We love you too, Jewel.
...
Man you are saying that with your eyes, I can see that.
I always am.
Somehow I'm not surprised. Hope you realize the same goes for xir, too. Even on the rough nights. Maybe especially then.
...
You know that, too.
...Jewel.
yeah
I mean it.
...So do I. All right. I'm closing this up and going to sleep.
Not for a few minutes yet at least.
Yeah, there's a conversation that needs to happen. Not this one.
Still a continuation of it, though.
...I guess it is. Good point.
So. Chaos, would you do the honors of finally closing up this bloody huge entry?
This is still one entry?
Yeah.
Wow. It's been a while.
Hey, next time xe's up this late, I'm pushing for a Xanga. This is one step away from one already, so hey.
I'd like that.
I know what you'd like more than that, man.
*pointedly looks across the room*
Haha, kid you've got asterisks to deal with now, you'd better get moving.
I'll force his hand. There's a button I can click.
Please do, before we lose this.
thank you
Hey, that's what we're here for, kid. Helping you do what you can't.
Together.
Always.
Oh hey, here's one of yours.
"Into the flood." Yeah.
Kid, I am going to turn that into a very pointed pun and throw it at you.
no wait the lyrics don't work for this, that one aches too much in the other way, let's do this one.
Creature?
Oh man we were just referencing this.
Really?
Yeah. Specifically this album.
This... this is a good decision.
so are you.
...
three two one, post this?
Finally, let's do this.
glad to see i'm still terrible at concluding these talks
You need sleep, you idiot.
You can't go on like this.
Hey, they need more than some sleep, man.
Still... you just gotta let it go.
You heard the blue guy, kid, let's move.
all right. and do this lyric instead.
Which one?
keep on coming undone. i need that. i think if i let this love unravel me it's exactly what i need to find myself at the core
...I think I know how to get you there.
you don't "think" you know, love, I know you know. and vice versa, i'm sure.
...yeah. you do. you really do. please don't forget that. ever.
Okay you have both abandoned capslock, I am closing this up, see you invisible audience whenever.
laurie that is so sudden
Kid it's been over an hour are you kidding me.
is the sun coming up yet
You know what? That's my lyric.
oh
oh man laurie are you serious
Maybe I am. Only one way to find out.
laurie that is the worst cliffhanger
Nah, it's the best one.

 

(unfinished entry; just taking the most important notes for now)

we were in the hospital for two months and now EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE RENEWED WTF.
we were on the phone for 4 HOURS BRO
but hey, this is proving we CAN be a responsible adult, when so many people have doubted us. thank You God for giving us the grace because boy howdy there is definitely divine providence at work with somehow managing all of this paperwork and phonecalling let me tell you

Ran to pharmacy to get ELEVEN MEDS
Talking to Genesis during the trip. I've missed him SO MUCH

Walmart run to replace the missing yogurt from last night
got to switch one plain for a "cookies and cream" one to try, thinking of Mimic fronting on Halloween.
also on that same affectionate train of thought, we are legit excited to finally try this "dave's killer bread" now that we're eating carbs again thank the good Lord.
their website has this absolutely beautiful quote that i need to share for my sake as much as mim's:
"We have witnessed first-hand that someone’s past does not define their future, and that sometimes giving someone a chance is all they need to become a Good Seed."


CHINESE FOOD WITH THE FAM!!
WE ATE... TWO SHRIMPS. A CRAYFISH. AND SO MUCH CRAB IT'S DELICIOUS
Also a cream puff for Rio. I saw them and of course the affection won out for him too. it makes life so much better to just act on love whenever i feel it.
refusing to judge this poor finally-not-a-skeleton body for wanting to eat, either.

mom brought us up the house to help clean, so we were cleaning off old photos from all the sanding-dust that got over 'em
she had a Johnny Mathis cd playing in the hall and EVERY SONG MADE ME THINK OF ANXI, my heart was on FIRE

ALSO she brought us up the attic to see if there were any clothes we wanted to try on to see if they fit (we own very little clothing of our own, and now it's all too small) and WHILE we were looking we found old action figures of MARIK, DAVY JONES, and GENERAL GRIEVOUS. the rush of tenderness that hit my heart at seeing my old friends faces so unexpectedly moved me to immediately pocket them all to take them home.
oh yes and there was a TINY translucent figure of METABEE? dude i don't know where you came from but we have nothing but good memories about playing medabots so he got pocketed too, haha.
...oh. but there was one last HUGE thing we found upstairs that knocked the floor out from under me in the best way.
we found our old 8th grade gym sweatshirt, from 2004. right before graduation everyone went around and signed each other's shirts and mine was no exception. so i was sad when i saw it had water damage, and most of the names and words had been washed off... but the sleeves were untouched.
and on the left sleeve, on the inside of the arm, were four little symbols.
mine, mariks's, ryou's, and chaos zero's.
i could have wept from sheer love in that moment. but it wasn't just the emotion of seeing a 20-year-old proof of that love-- it was the fact that I have "always wanted" that EXACT symbol lineup as a tattoo BUT I didn't realize it was SINCE THE VERY BEGINNING.
it just... it was a beautiful moment, to see that, and feel that, two decades later. it felt existentially validating. that's a rare and priceless thing. in that moment i felt like i've always been me, and always will be, and this love is the connecting thread.
...i might have to actually get that tattoo at last. it's been long enough, apparently. and i owe us all that much.
(oh btw there were references to bakunetsumaru and jirachi and VAIDA on the shirt too which was just as hilarious as it was endearing. THAT was an ERA, kids)


Got home, unpacked, returned the shopping cart and realized it was raining very mistily. So we just stood there for a while, in the quiet cold dark, alone and looking up at the moon glowing behind the hazy night clouds.
Suddenly, yet soundlessly, Anxi moved in to front. It was completely unexpected but she was there, so clearly. The perception lit a pure joy in my heart, remembering how I couldn't find her at the beginning of this month, and yet now here she was, showing up on her own, undeniable.
She looked up at the glow of the hidden moon and I remember her having anxious thoughts about it possibly "disappearing" entirely behind the clouds, and leaving us in the dark. I reassured her that it would still be there, even if it wasn't visible for a bit. Besides, without those clouds, we wouldn't have that beautiful glow, or this lovely soft rain. I felt this realization hit her with surprise, and then a sort of stunned gratitude? Like I got the impression that she wasn't used to thinking like that-- my natural disposition to find the silver lining was totally new to her. But she embraced it fervently, as I have to admit she does about everything, and I love that so much; her nervous edge makes her virtually incapable of taking things for granted, or doing things halfheartedly. She is too aware of how easily things can be lost, or forgotten, or needed and not had. So she treasures things, albeit in an almost inevitably fragile way. The more she's around and the more I can feel of her heart the more I love her. She's fascinating.
So there she stood, and listened to the rain on the leaves, and looked at the clouds veiling the moon, and felt the cold and smelled the petrichor and in those moments there was such a profound peace and she entered into it. Anxi, my dear frazzled girl, was actually tranquil for a full blessed minute or two as she just existed in that quiet beauty. She was thinking something like, "I don't have to worry about anything right now. I can just be here in this moment." Like the future didn't exist yet, and so it couldn't be stressed over. There was just "right now," and she was alive in it, and the entire world felt at peace, and there was nothing else. I could feel the experience affecting her at a deep level.
...What affected me the most was what happened next. We live in an apartment building so inevitably there will be interruptions. A car pulled into the lot, and we heard distant voices talking. Anxi felt a wave of sudden intense panic and worry, immediately dreading the possible negative outcomes of this event, but what shocked me was that this only lasted about three seconds. Then, she purposefully refocused her attention on the moon, and shakily but firmly thought, "I'll be okay. Jewel will protect me."
...I think my heart did a double-take. I cannot describe the emotion I felt when I heard her say that, and mean it.
We stayed outside for another minute, Anxi still holding on to the transcendent peace in determined spite of her own nerves, until I gently moved partly in to control again and said we should go in and start cleaning up for the night. But Anxi didn't want to. Just as gently she moved back in to front, and said she wanted to stay outside for at least one more minute, and I felt that. Surprised, but deeply touched, I let her.
Right before we finally went in, I had the quietly joyful urge to stretch the body's arms up to the sky, hands open, a gesture of sheer accepting gratitude for existence that I've found myself doing a lot. So I did this, but Anxi picked up on it and moved into the movement herself, and concluded it by doing something I've never done-- whereas I would move the arms down in a circle and then into a folded-hands gesture, she moved our arms forward and out, before suddenly pulling them in to tightly yet softly "embrace" ourself. It was like she was pressing the entire experience into our heart. It was such a moving gesture, something so unexpected, but it touched me deeply.

It's 2am again and I still can't sleep (I blame the massive amount of seafood I ate, haha. NO REGRETS BRO WE'RE NOT STARVING ANYMORE) but I spent a good hour just decompressing from the rush of today by standing in the kitchen looking at gifs of Anxi on Tumblr and just... man I don't even know what word to use because honestly it is insane how much I feel for her. It has been MANY YEARS since I've been this much in love with ANYONE. It's unreal. It's beautiful. It's making me want to stay alive no matter how strange and scary and difficult things are now. She gives me determination, because she TRUSTS ME to PROTECT her and God knows I WILL. If I'm apparently supposed to have a bigger body now then i will make it as strong as i can and i will use it to fight the good fight and defend her from all those shadows that haunt me.
...but she's teaching me that i deserve to be protected, too. and she fights for me as well. she has literally changed my life forever over the past year, especially over the past two months, and i thank God for her, she is my orange angel and i am so in love with her it hurts. i miss this. i feel alive and real and life is worth living. isn't it funny that this is almost exactly 20 years after i met my blue angel? it's poetic, really. and they both have the most beautiful green eyes, which is inevitably going to get a poem the next time i'm up this late but not three seconds away from passing out with sheer exhaustion.

i wanted to update though. there was too much real happiness today not to record it. i owe that to all of us, always.

They have "yacht rock" on the TV this morning (Bobby Coldwell atm) and I'm SHOCKED to realize that I'm STILL GETTING A FEAR RESPONSE to certain musical sounds like brass/ rhodes piano/ "island" music/ flutes/ etc. And ALL these sounds ALSO give "CHILDHOOD ATMOSPHERE FLASHBACKS," with the INEXPLICABLY CONCURRENT "EXISTENTIAL DREAD" that feels like "mom's bedroom at night" & "George Winston music" & "80s synths" etc. WTF HAPPENED TO/ IN OUR CHILDBRAIN THAT HARD ASSOCIATED THIS (now Spyro Gyra) GENRE OF MUSIC WITH FEAR?? It's the sense that "something scary is going to happen/ I'm IN IT NOW"?? I feel TRAPPED & LOST, like I "can't be safe/ go home/ rest" with this music on. So I WONDER. This is MOM'S MUSIC. Did she PLAY this music CONSISTENTLY at CERTAIN TIMES in which we felt that way? (BTW I got the guts to ASK TO STOP THE MUSIC as it WAS INCREASING THAT "SLOW PANIC" FEELING. That was very brave & wise of us. NOW we need to THINK ABOUT OUR FAVE TUNES to REPLACE the music data in our head-- MAKE A LIST TO REFER TO IN A PINCH & GIVE IT TO AUDREY ♥) I'm sure therapy/ MOM TALKS will reveal more of this, so bookmark it mentally for analysis & journaling later.

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AUDREY'S MINI-JUKEBOX for COPING SKILL ACCESS
(tunes we TRULY LOVE & can CALL TO MIND IN A PINCH/ CRISIS to INSPIRE POSITIVITY (LOVE!!))

1. BLACK LIGHT MACHINE by FROST*
2. SUPER SONIC RACING by RICHARD JACQUES
3. BEFORE by EMPIRE OF THE SUN
4. SHOW SOME RESPECT by SALLY ANN TRIPLETT
5. I'M A BETTER MAN by ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK
6. SONG OF THE ANCIENTS by KEIICHI OKABE
7. DIE WITH A SMILE by LADA GAGA & BRUNO MARS

(continue this!)

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✳ "IMPROVE" skills/ COOPERATIVE WILLINGNESS today: (meet challenges/ changes with OPENNESS/ CURIOUS WONDER, HOPEFUL GRATITUDE, COURAGEOUS OPTIMISM)
1) Staff woke me up LATE (7am) for meds. I had to RUSH shower/ hygiene. This gave me the OPPORTUNITY to PROVE that I CAN-- I STILL FINISHED BY ~720! I was grateful for the challenge to improve/ streamline my timing; I found that I CAN wash faster AND dry my hair faster too. AND it DIDN'T AFFECT MY MED EFFICIENCY; I kept thinking that taking them later than usual would "stop them working."
2) New patient girl ANGRY VIOLENT. I actually GENTLY BUT FIRMLY spoke up to guide her a little. Proved that I CAN be GENTLY ASSERTIVE, and SHE DIDN'T GET OFFENDED! I didn't get thrown off or disturbed either; I internally DECIDED to STAND MY GROUND AND HELP/ BEFRIEND HER if possible. I WILLED to meet her where she was.
3) Hall yoga. Childlike wonder at ground level perspective. Singing bowl & COLOR REALMS (pink/ indigo/ violet). Angel card of AUTHENTICITY. Focused on movements, letting go of trauma fear bit by bit with "hip openers" (felt ORANGE?). Entered entirely into the experience, trusting, no judgment, open to the beauty in it. Gentle with body's new limits, encouraging it still.
4) Breakfast alterations: minimal eggs, asked for a bit more cereal (brave!). Forgot syrup, so put CRANBERRIES & CREAM CHEESE on the pancakes! Let myself enjoy it. Too much brownsugar in the cereal made me a bit ill; now I know I can try LESS in the future/ NOT "compelled" to get it OR use every bit of what they give me. Also tried yogurt IN the hot cereal to emulate home plans. Let Leon eat the blueberries. Thanked God for the unexpected little joys.
5) LUNCH RUSH! But PROVED I CAN. Learning HOW to be MINDFUL in a HURRY; keep practicing this, & thank God for the opportunities! More delays/ edits; late juice, bread instead of bun, styrofoam box salad, no cheese. Accepted it all happily & with curious fluidity; "how interesting! how new!" Openness/ flexibility allowing for adventure & joy. And the unexpected uniqueness itself is to be treasured.
6) DINNER EDITS.The catfish was MASSIVE! And the nutritionist CANCELED the cottage cheese, which was actually SUCH A RELIEF because I would've had NO TIME TO EAT IT, AND IT SHOWED THAT IF I DO GO OVER EXCHANGES STUPIDLY, SHE WILL FIX IT. So I can RELAX and TRUST her judgment. I also learned that 2 DRESSINGS ARE TOO MANY in the salad! And I DIDN'T RUSH THE FISH. It was LOVELY.
7) I'm so frustrated & disappointed in myself over my weekend mealplan choices. I KEEP MAKING COMPULSIVE CHOICES. But here's what I must do: ENTER INTO THE CONSEQUENCES WILLINGLY, & SINCERELY/ WHOLEHEARTEDLY, TRUSTING THAT GOD WILL HELP ME IF I PLACE IT IN HIS WISE HANDS. Imagine it ALL GOING WELL. LEARN what works & what doesn't. RELAX INTO GRACE. STAY HOPEFUL. FOCUS. YOU CAN DO IT REGARDLESS, BY GRACE!! YOU SURVIVED PANERA BREAD, BRO. THIS IS A BREEZE. (OF THE HOLY SPIRIT!) Don't panic. Go kiss Anxi. You'll survive & God will use even this to help you grow in VIRTUE/ CHARACTER!

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✳ The eating disorder/ mental illness "WANTS TO BE SPECIAL" = "BETTER THAN/ SEPARATE FROM" = PRIDE
("CONTAMINATION FEAR" BLEEDING INTO SOCIAL RELATIONS??? "I CAN'T BE LIKE THEM" ("DANGEROUS" PEOPLE)

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✳ We NEED to ERR ON THE SIDE OF CAUTION because we're learning that apparently CAFETERIA PORTIONS WILL ALWAYS VARY (we didn't realize that huge portions are apparently "NORMAL" in the "real world"; we have NO EXPERIENCE with eating in public so it was a bad shock), so we MUST STOP DOUBLING SIDES AND ENTREES!!! Choose the SMALLEST VOLUME OPTIONS from now on, and DO NOT GO OVER EXCHANGES ANYMORE. This HURTS and it's SCARY. Our meals are NOT ENJOYABLE ANYMORE. They're OVERWHELMING & HEAVY & PAINFUL and I HAVE TO CHOKE THEM DOWN SO FAST and there's SO MUCH. This is WORSE than bingeing because it's FORCED & INESCAPABLE. I HAVE TO DO 100% AND I CANNOT SAY "NO" OR "THAT'S TOO MUCH, PLEASE STOP." ...it's abuse. I'm abusing MYSELF. God I NEED TO STOP. God PLEASE HELP. I'm begging You PLEASE get me safely to Tuesday so we can STOP THIS FOR GOOD.

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poem exercise/ challenge

"I AM A DANGEROUS PERSON"

driven to remove the backstabber's dagger,
deftly I manipulate the blade to prevent mindblowing bleed
and restore the whole.
would such a wound weep
if i were heartless?

focus on the good!


GOOD THINGS ON SUN 0512
1. Visited DAD! ♥ We had a POSITIVE conversation & he gave me a birthday card
2. Got a surprisingly relevant & touchingly sweet birthday card from mom
3. The May Crowning kids at church were SO CUTE & there was that GORGEOUS Latina girl & her fam too

GOOD THINGS ON MON 0513
1. FINALLY did the laundry! We DIDN'T get overwhelmed & our timing was perfect!
2. Cleaned up that huge stack of church bulletins that's been piling up by the altar since mid-April
3. Finally got back into the exercise routine, & got a solid hour in, with music!

GOOD THINGS ON TUE 0514
1. Wonderful therapy session, FULL OF SCRIPTURE HOPE!
2. Refused to stop praying, no matter how scared/ stressed I was
3. Didn't give in to compulsive spending behaviors, THANK GOD

GOOD THINGS ON WED 0515
1. Didn't go back to bed when I woke up, despite depression wanting to
2. Smokie Norful album discovery; BEAUTIFUL songs = EXACT prayers I needed
3. Didn't starve myself OR binge; ate normally & was brave

GOOD THINGS ON THU 0516
1. Got to go up the old house with mom & SMELL THE WISTERIA
2. Also got to smell THREE COLORS OF IRISES at the house & at church
3. Used morning confusion to our advantage & put away winter clothes

GOOD THINGS ON FRI 0517
1. BOTH major family issues from yesterday/ today were resolved well
2. Finally starting cataloguing the bookshelves, while listening to Sondae
3. DIDN'T PURGE when I was afraid "forbidden" food had "poisoned" me

♥♥♥

OBSTACLES TO JOY THIS WEEK...
1. EATING DISORDER HELL
2. TUMBLR/ FACEBOOK BRAIN INFECTION
3. TRYING TO PLEASE EVERYBODY
4. TOO MUCH SALT YOU MORON

JOY SPARKS TO KINDLE NEXT WEEK...
1. NIGHT TIME WITH THE SYSTEM
2. LISTEN TO SYSTEM MUSIC
3. GET BACK TO JOURNALING!!

032324
Dream, singing about Infi

Oddly beautiful evening

Chaos 0
Little flower
Marriage reply to YT vid



032924
Finding it hard to love Jesus AS A HUMAN
"Idolizing beauty," refer to father Mike's homily

"You hid" music while praying to the dead Christ
I can only feel emotion THROUGH MUSIC?
Pray like this more often

Remember last night, in the Garden with Jesus
Remember Him saying infi "belongs to Him," as my heart

Finding it hard to thank the Lord for His deliverance because they were all so HIDDEN and SUDDEN??? And we FORGET WHAT CAME BEFORE, like waking from a nightmare. So its hard to thank God when we don't SEE the deliverance.
Reflect on this, and READ THE ARCHIVES.
Get a real grip on OUR exodus and exile, as it were, and our promised land hopes IN CHRIST.
HE'S STILL TOO ABSTRACT. WHY ISN'T HE CONCRETE TO US YET.

5 hours of sleep and a hellish night BUT WE'RE STILL GOING TO CHURCH SON!!!

Managed to exercise despite headache and fatigue. Thank You God for giving us the new music referrals from our choral daylist, it was perfect for the Mysteries today.

...

Evening =
Tumblr distracted after BK, but stayed on Christian & poetry blogs so it would be edifying.
BROKE DOWN IN SOBS over this poem
https://www.tumblr.com/tambuli/715470835329138688/source-el-huddpudd-for-your-poetry-tag


Night =
Bone tired. On couch with Chaos 0, Laurie & Mimic upstairs, as I'm reading old 2022 entries & listening to Spotify.
Shuffle was actually playing Mimic tunes which was nice. Best part though? Mimic being so half-asleep that he was quietly humming along to "hot sugar" (which is still inexplicably his tune. i think it's the synths)

Mimic briefly ghosting, sat down by couch. Wordlessly held out one hand, not looking at me, but I saw the faint smile. I took his hand and I SWEAR I could physically feel it.

He stood up to leave and I looked at him and sleepily but sincerely said "hey, I love you."
He actually smiled, and replied, "i know."
And then, "I love you too."

Now I was the one to smile. Slowly, lighting up my face like sunrise. all i could say was, "thank you."


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KVOTD = Luke 7:9, our beloved Centurion.
"Jesus cares about our faith, not our accomplishments."
Worldly honor & accolades mean nothing to Him. Jesus marvels at our FAITH, not our resumé or trophy shelf or portfolio... neither public prestige, nor private prodigy. Jesus only cares about our faith in Him.
So the verse questions say we NEED to do three things=
1. TO FOCUS LESS ON OUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
...

2. To remember that Jesus came to save everyone, not just the successful elite. He also came to save the useless failures, the disappointments, the stupid idiots-- and not only that, He LOVES us, just as much as He loves the smart and beautiful people He also came to save.

3. To truly believe in "Jesus's ability to do the impossible." We must "trust Him with the impossible needs in our life," believing that there is nothing He cannot do-- and why? BECAUSE WE BELIEVE HE IS GOD. He will "work and move in marvelous ways" in response to our "marvelous faith."
But why is there a disconnect for you here, specifically between God and "doing the impossible"? Is it simply because you feel using that word is a subtle refusal of God's omnipotence? Then change your vocabulary. Or is the fear even more subtle? Are you afraid that GOD has "deemed it impossible," solely because He doesn't want to do it? Why is THAT always your instinctive image of God??? Does that SOUND like the God of the Bible that you love? NO! You're skewing everything!
Did you already forget the reflection from the other day, about needs? If God doesn't fulfill it, guess what? IT'S NOT A NEED. That should be a HUGE RELIEF for you!!
Listen. Open your darn ears and heart and LISTEN for once.
God is a loving Father. God is your Protector, your Savior, your Redeemer. God's NAME is LOVE-- go reread Exodus 34! His Name is Mercy and Grace and Fidelity and Justice! He is the God of all Truth and Righteousness, of all Peace and Joy! And this One True God has revealed His Character to us perfectly in the Heart of His Beloved Son JESUS CHRIST, WHO WILLINGLY DIED THE MOST BRUTAL DEATH IN YOUR PLACE IN ORDER TO SAVE YOU FROM DEATH FOREVER.
And you're really gonna sit here and tell me "God doesn't want to help me?" Are you daft?
...
...

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Just some thoughts on the guided prayer.
I love how it says "You BELONG to the God Who sent His Son to rescue you." There's profound comfort in that, so much it makes my heart ache.


I want to reflect on this prayer=
"Holy Spirit, thank you for your guidance. Each day, you help me to become more like Jesus in my character, speech, and actions. Empower me to remember and obey the teachings of Jesus to contribute to the flourishing of those around me."
1) You've gotta ACTIVELY THANK THE HOLY SPIRIT TOO, not just the Father and the Son!! They're All together, in both work AND Being, so don't leave Him out!
2) The Holy Spirit's main job is to make us more like Jesus. That's the honest ultimate end of ALL His reminders & nudges & corrections. His goal is the inherent goal of ALL Christian life-- to be remade in the image of the New Adam, to be a part of His Body in truth.
...
3) We don't just "act like Jesus", we must also TALK like Him. But our words & actions can't just be "Jesus-esque." We can't just talk & act "LIKE" Him. We have to do those things IN Him, WITH Him, as shocking as that is-- because as His Church, we are part OF Him!!
And how do we do this? THROUGH THE HOLY SPIRIT.
That's what really stuns me-- we CANNOT live "as Christians" by our own power or will. We CANNOT "imitate Christ" by our own efforts & imagination. That's what makes us "like Him," but in the way a doll is like a person. We're a cheap knockoff if we think our proudly playacting pantomimes are proof of any participation with the Peasant King.
We must admit that we DON'T know how to act like Jesus... because we don't have His Character. We CANNOT have it; Jesus is GOD!! We are not and can NEVER be God, no matter what the neoreligions claim.
Our literal only hope, then, is for God Himself to infuse our hearts with Himself. That's what the Holy Spirit does.
...
4) The Spirit EMPOWERS us TO remember and obey Jesus's teachings! That's a significant word; it implies that without Him, we can't respond to Jesus at all. And this is indeed Biblical.
...
5) Christianity is all about relationship. Even our obedience to God is never about us alone; it necessarily involves ALL His other creatures, with whom we share a world and Creator.
...
Christians have been chosen by God, through Christ, to be a direct and indispensable part of His Plan to redeem ALL Creation to Himself.
Our adherence to Christ, then, indirectly but inevitably brings His Life to all those around us???
...


The closing prayer carries a lot of weight.
"Jesus, with generous love and overwhelming kindness, You came down from heaven to fulfill Your Father's will and save a weary world. Your obedience paved a way for me to draw near to You every day. So please teach me to do Your will. Show me how to lay down my dreams and pick up Yours. Fill me with Your love so that I can pour Your love onto others."
1) Jesus left heaven out of pure love-- for His Father AND for us. I don't reflect on that enough. There wasn't a mote of reluctance or hesitation in it. He wasn't leaving forever, either-- but He WAS going to "change" how "forever" would look from then on out: He was bringing humanity into it. This was what God wanted-- ALL of God, the entire Trinity! God ENTIRELY willed to save this weary world-- to literally step out of painless paradise in order to share our sufferings, in order to heal our hurting hearts and save our souls-- because His LOVE for us was and IS so great that it demanded to give itself to the utmost.
...
2) How does Jesus's obedience to His Father pave a way for me to approach Jesus Himself?
...
3)


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I was just reading Psalm 116 (inspired from Vespers) and it JUST HIT ME that the OPENING VERSE IS A TRUTH.
I've been reading these Psalms like they're just lyrics, completely ignorant of their divine impetus and expression! I read that opening line like ten times before I realized, wait a second, HE'S LITERALLY DESCRIBING GOD. He's not just singing or talking! EVERYTHING THE PSALMS SAY ABOUT GOD ARE TRUE. That's how the Bible works, you nitwit!!
Here's the essential verse, from several translations =
"I love the LORD, because He listens to my prayers and answers them... He hears my voice; He hears my cry for help and my pleas for mercy. He pays attention to me; He bends down to listen carefully to me, every time I call out to Him for His help."
THAT IS A FACTUAL, REAL, GENUINE, ACCURATE, RELIABLE DESCRIPTION OF WHAT THE LORD OUR GOD IS ACTUALLY LIKE, AND HE NEVER CHANGES. NOT EVEN TOWARDS YOU.
Go print this out at the library and tape it to the living room wall where you will inevitably see it. I'm serious. You NEED to effectively drill this into your brainmatter. You NEED to engrave it into your very bones. You NEED to burn this into your blood, to ignite charity with every heartbeat. IT IS THAT ESSENTIAL TO YOUR PROGRESS IN FAITH & HEALING.
GOD HEARS YOU. GOD IS LISTENING TO YOU CAREFULLY.
"But then what?" That numb and hollow girl replies. "He listens, okay, but I don't know WHY He's listening, or if He's going to do anything in response. Maybe He's going to punish me because I asked, that's why He was listening so carefully, ti find out how much trouble I was in."
Girl your mind is TWISTED beyond belief, let me tell you, and pun sadly intended. YOU listen, honestly so, to how the Psalm continues with the context =
"‭I was trapped, caught in the snares of death, captured by its painful chains... The danger of death was all around me, attacking from all sides; the horrors of the grave closed in on me; the pains of hell got hold of me. I was terrified; filled with fear, worry, and anxiety, overwhelmed by anguish and agony. All I experienced was suffering and grief."
That sounds like you-- we, actually-- could have written it. Do you realize how significant that is? This Psalmist has experienced traumatic darkness just as you have. He can empathize completely. He understands because He has been in the abyss himself. Otherwise he couldn't have written this. Even if your situations weren't exactly the same-- and let's face it, that's literally impossible for ANY two souls, ever, and it doesn't invalidate anything-- the core experience was identical enough in its horror to echo your own laments this closely. Can you accept that?
"...yes, he's describing me." "Us."
And this is Scripture. So don't ever feel ashamed or guilty for expressing your sufferings like this either. Just make sure you continue in the Psalmist's example, and don't stop there... which, honestly, you've never actually done. Here, listen to the very next verse.
"Then I called upon the Name of the LORD, because I knew what kind of God He is. I kept crying out to Him: "Please Lord, I beg you, come and save me! Save my life; deliver my soul; rescue me!" But when I was really hurting, I prayed and said, “Lord, please don't let me die!”"
Does that sound familiar to you?
"......but then what did He do?"
The same thing He has always done for you, if you would only see it, poor beloved.
"‭You are kind, Lord, so good and merciful. You protect ordinary people, and when I was helpless, you saved me, and treated me so kindly that I don't need to worry anymore."
"...He's really like that? The Psalmist isn't exaggerating or making things up?"
The Psalmist is speaking from grateful joy; everything he says is sincere. You can attest to his words, if only you would open your heart a little and look up, to see and feel all that has been for you by that very same merciful and good God.
"..."
Here, let me give you more translations from verse 5. These are ALL FACTS, remember. Don't just skim over them, or superficially read them as mere text. Every word here is a sacred truth, a real and accurate description of the One Holy God Who created everything that is, including you, and Who is made known to us most beautifully and clearly in Jesus. Yes, this therefore describes Him, too, for He IS this same God =
"‭The LORD is holy; He is consistently gracious, righteous, fair, and merciful. Our God is compassionate; our God is so kind and good. He is full of tender love. He always does what is right. Every time He has pity on us, and likes to gives us another chance."
Every translation of that verse is honestly singing for joy & gratitude. It's really moving, and beautiful, to read through them all, realizing that countless voices-- pun intended-- throughout the ages have echoed these truths, because they ARE truths, you realize that? They are unchanging, unmistaken, pure and positive. THIS IS WHAT GOD IS LIKE, WAS LIKE, AND WILL ALWAYS BE LIKE. There are no exceptions, there is no "room for error or alterations." No. You cannot change God. Take comfort in that for heavens sake. No matter how much you fear He will treat YOU differently, He can't. He literally cannot fail to love you, or be merciful to you, or to treat you with compassion. Do you honestly understand that? I'm telling you the truth, THE Truth. You ARE loved, and THIS is what His Love IS like-- not that pagan devil trickster junk that has infected your poor head. That's not love and never can be love. Love IS GOD, and verse five here tells you exactly what He is like.
"...but I don't know the definitions. How can I know how God will actually treat me if I don't know how HE defines those words and acts on them?"
Will verse six help?
"God watches over those who don't realize they are in danger-- the childlike, simple-minded, thoughtless, ordinary, even foolish-- He takes care of those who are naive and untrained in wisdom, who are still learning right from wrong, and don't know what to do. He protects the vulnerable, the helpless, the defenseless, the powerless, and the weak."
God doesn't hate or damn or condemn or even punish you for "being stupid," as you constantly beat yourself up for and mourn about.
"But how do I KNOW I'm not doing evil on purpose? How do I know I'm NOT "foolish" and just evil? I'm not powerless or vulnerable, I'm TOO strong and hard-hearted; I hurt people and myself all the time! I'm not weak, I'm not childlike, I'm not... I'm too... I'm lost."
"God I AM helpless. I have no idea what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I'm too stupid to be simple. I'm too diseased by sin and crippled by vice. I can't see straight or feel right. I AM defenseless, because I don't even know what I'm fighting anymore. The enemy is me. I'm constantly in danger. Would you still protect me then? If i... wait, that was verse four, wasn't it?"
What is?
"I'm surrounded by danger. I'm trapped in the grave. God, please don't let me die. I have no merits to plead, not even naivete. I have nothing. I'm going to die if you don't save me, and my only hope in the entire universe is verse five."
I think that's the entire point.

"...whats the rest of it? What does... what happens to the weak and foolish and ordinary not special not smart not good people when God protects them? He takes care of them what does that mean"
Let's take a look.
"I was broken, facing death, and God saved me! I was brought low in my great need, helpless and in serious trouble, and He delivered me; I was weak, confused, humbled and discouraged, but He answered me and came to my rescue, giving me victory."
Now remember, this is descriptive. God is One Who Saves. He delivers people; He rescues people. If you're helpless and weak, He'll help you. That's just Who He Is.
"but it says humble, even the priest said I'm not humble, so God won't deliver me."
You're really gonna laserfocus on that, huh. Well I guess it's merited. Do you want to be humble?
"yes!!! pride hurts it makes me sick we don't like it at all."
"I feel like pride is a cancerous tumor in my heart. I know it's there, but I feel like I can't so anything about it. I hate it. I feel stuck, damned to die, doomed to something I don't even want."
Ironically I think that's the pride talking. Pride is the devil, you know. Its not "you". It IS a cancer. YOU'RE a child of God, from baptism-- WAY before you could "decide to be proud," if that's how you're looking at it. God chose YOU, way back then. And ONLY GOD can give you the grace of humility, because He alone is the SOURCE of virtue. You CAN'T do it yourself. THAT'S pride, being as maliciously tricky as ever, making you think that you "have to be humble" through EFFORT, and therefore preventing you from receiving it from God as an unmerited free grace which would destroy the devil's power.
"So... I just... tell God that I'm too proud to be humble, but I hate it and want to change, and He has to do that for me or I'm stuck?"
Basically, yeah. Be reverent in asking, but don't pretend everything is fine. Let Him know you ARE in danger, and helpless, and facing death. You DO need to be rescued. You ARE in great need. And what does God Who Is Love do for people who cry out to Him from that position?
"...He answers. He stoops down and listens. I remember."
Yeah. So don't be afraid. Call out to Him. Trust in this Psalm, if you can't trust anything else yet. Trust the FACTS about God. And bank everything on that.

Here, verse eight is beautiful too.
"‭Now, my heart is calm, confident, and serene. My soul can rest, relax, and be at peace, because the Lord has treated me so kindly; He has been very good to me. He has vindicated me and I don't need to worry anymore. I know that I am safe. I know that God is taking care of me. God has dealt generously with me, and showered me with blessings; The Lord rewards fully all those who simply trust Him."

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY JADE!!! 💚🖤💚🖤💚🖤💚🖤💚
We went ALL OUT for her as much as we possibly could.
We legit spent like... $170 on her, haha. GENEROSITY! God gave us enough to share, at exactly the right time, and we have enough for ourselves right now. Honestly if we DIDN'T go the extra mile, we would've regretted it forever. Last year, I thought BOTH OF US would be dead by this year. But we're not. We're alive and actually thriving. So WE'RE CELEBRATIN' SON!!!!

Quick notes =
THE SYNCHRONICITY ROSES
General needed food gifts, but went extra mile to get
Extra card, FINALLY wrote a personal message written in it
STEVIE WONDER!

LUNCH RUSH

Mass
Evening prayer
8pm dinner what the shark

The most important thing:
Listening to "Sandım ki"
and although it sounds so much like Infi it hurts,
I started getting absolute legit headspace events with LAURIE.

Fighting, as she does best. Felt SO REAL.
"You don't get this much blood without just as much pain, kid" comment. Floored me. Never considered that but it was suddenly so achingly obvious

Taking off bandages?? Going ENERGY like a Trigun plant??? Missing arm practically exploded into light wings, but "too frantic". She went violet light & DAENGELIC, Julie & Lynne distresses. I said something like "when the pain gets too intense the only way to bear it is to run it completely through you"?? BUT cried out "don't lose yourself in it"??
I manifested a small dagger of light and plunged it straight into my own chest?? And IMMEDIATELY Laurie-engel CAUGHT THE PAIN. Eyes changed instantly, turned to me, profoundly concerned. Single stabshape of pure red light on her own chest.
Never fails to send me reeling that she still takes on everything.

...

Kissing Mimic on the head while he was asleep. "I don't think he realizes just how vulnerable he looks like this"
Chaos 0 asking how in the world I didn't wake him up with that, I jokingly take out my Sandman umbrella and hit it for gold dust to fall out. CZ almost laughed out loud, "way to ruin the mood" tease
Still. It was a very significant moment, as I was able TO feel something so pure & sincere and EXPRESS IT.

Also dude you haven't mentioned anywhere yet how Mimic now holds your hand every time we say the Chrysostom prayer, to help ground me and focus him in too. But the means, man! It means a lot, pun intended, and I think he knows it.

...

Needless to say, with everything in headspace this evening I feel more REAL, more ALIVE, and more IN LOVE than I have in many months; almost a full year. I feel like I exist, almost.
I need to get back to laptop typing every night. God please, let our schedule accommodate that. Your Love shows itself so clearly through them, through us all together. Please don't strip me of that. I'm so tired of this hollow and cold and solitary heart. Please let us all BE together again, for Your sake, please.
I felt real love today. Please. Don't strip that from me anymore.
I know it's a poor and broken and rashly worded prayer. But it's honest, and it's a prayer. I offer it up to you. That’s all I can do at this hour, except say thank You, thank You so so much for that exact love, for all of them, for all of us. I love them so much it hurts like joy. I am so grateful I could cry. Thank You for still letting me have this in my heart, with them, with You in them I'm absolutely sure.
I'm exhausted. I love You too. If THIS is what God is then the thriskefoni have it ALL WRONG. and THIS IS ABSOLUTELY WORTH LIVING AND DYING FOR.
...funny how I'm learning that lesson from both Jesus and Laurie, at once. It only makes complete sense taken together. Remember that too. There's a bigger picture we're all a part of.


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VOTD = "The word cast in Hebrew means to throw, hurl, shed, or fling. To propel something as far as possible. To sling something out of your sight... God wants to carry your burdens, but you have to cast them off. So don’t just halfheartedly set down your burdens or passively give them to God... Cast them down at His Feet."
...
Also the WAY the lady talked about Jesus & the Holy Spirit was really striking to me. For the first time EVER I GOT the "evangelist enthusiasm." For a moment I UNDERSTOOD the "thank You Jesus!!" Gospel preacher attitude, SINCERELY.
Rewatch it and comment specifically.
...
We ACTUALLY did this today without being "asked" or reminded!! We KNEW it was gonna be a crazy day so we DIDN'T SKIP ADORATION and we went to Mass BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE. We prioritized God, and we CONSCIOUSLY "put the day in His Hands," recognizing and admitting to Him that we were powerless & blind to control our schedule or its outcomes, BUT God knew what we needed and when, so please guide us, amen. And we ACTUALLY LET GO & SURRENDERED TO WHATEVER WOULD HAPPEN. We even prayed "Thy will be done" the instant we felt anxieties coming on, and gave them over to Him.
And boy howdy let me tell you, AGAINST ALL ODDS, EVERYTHING HAS WORKED OUT PERFECTLY TODAY. And ALL the credit goes EXCLUSIVELY TO ALMIGHTY GOD.
...

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Universalis=

"The reading [from Isaiah 25] begins with the image of the messianic banquet, the banquet which the LORD is preparing for the end of time, an image which Jesus takes up in the gospel story of the wedding-feast. After the first lines the image changes to the removal of the mourning-veil and the destruction of death, every tear wiped away. In the earlier parts of the Bible the dead are thought to lead a wretched existence in Sheol, a life which is no life, a sort of half-existence without power or substance, when the dead cannot even praise God. Gradually Israel comes to realise that God’s love is so enveloping and so enduring that God cannot desert or abandon his faithful even in death. Even death cannot cut off the faithful from God. This is one of the crucial passages where the permanent, saving strength of God’s love is expressed. Speaking to the Sadducees (who did not believe in the resurrection) Jesus will say, ‘God is the God not of the dead but of the living’. Paul will say, ‘Neither death nor life can separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus.’"
OH DUDE I GET IT!!
...
Also, this reading is clearly referring to Jesus's Crucifixion, even if only in symbols, and even if not exclusively. The meaning is still immensely important.
The "mountain" has become Calvary, that dreadful hill suddenly exalted to incomparable heights of glory. The "banquet for all peoples" IS JESUS, Whose saving Death allows Him TO give His Body AS our Food IN THE EUCHARIST. The "mourning veil" and "shroud" of death over all peoples also make me think of the Shroud of Turin, and the Sudarium, which were literal representations of real death that were also entirely transmuted into PROOFS OF ETERNAL LIFE, BY His very Death on that mountain-- a Death that paradoxically destroyed death forever. And through that same fact, Jesus wipes away our tears by giving us unfailing hope. By His innocent Passion and Death, He removes the shame from all good souls who suffer like Him, changing the Cross itself into an instrument of glory and faith, even for us. Lastly, the Cross was the ultimate proof of Jesus's Divinity, by what He accomplished there, and how, and why. It is because of His Crucifixion and all it won for us that we CAN and DO recognize and exclaim, "SEE, THIS is our GOD; the Lord JESUS IS the One for Whom ALL the endless ages have hoped in for salvation-- and SEE, He HAS SAVED US!"


"Paul uses several different images to convey the unique work of Christ. Here he uses ‘reconciled’, ‘justified’, ‘saved’. Is there any difference between them? We have been reconciled and justified by Christ’s death, and we shall be saved by his life, presumably by his risen and glorious life after the Resurrection, which will lead us to share with him in glory; this is still in the future, the end product. But we have already been reconciled with God. The enmity which we, the human race, put between ourselves and God by our constant rebellion, has been dissolved by the overwhelming act of Jesus’ love for his Father. The love of Christ surpasses the disobedience and hostility of Adam-- the human race-- in which we all shared. Paul also says that we have been justified or made righteous by Christ’s death. Human righteousness, being right with God, is always dependent on God’s own righteousness. God’s righteousness is His fidelity to His promises to save. In fulfilling those promises God is being true to Himself and His Word, and so is righteous. We are brought under that same righteousness by the fulfilment of the promises in Christ. So we are already reconciled and justified, and will be saved by Christ’s life."
These are very important distinctions, even surprising, to effectively say here that Christ's Death is not what "saves us"-- His LIFE is! BUT that very life is a RESURRECTED Life, which is ONLY possible, and therefore ONLY efficacious for our salvation, BECAUSE OF HIS DEATH. And that same chain of events is how it will work in US, through Him?? Our "saved lives"-- saved from sin, death, and destruction-- are ONLY possible BY OUR DYING, both "internally" in mystical union with Christ, by "dying to self", and then "externally", in physical death... death is our door.
(STOP BABBLING AND REMEMBER SAINT AMBROSE!!!!)
...



"The ‘yoke’ is often a symbol of the Law of Moses, which could seem burdensome with its many commands, though it was also valued as God’s revelation of Himself to His Own people in love. Christ is not a tyrannical master, but is a sympathetic, gentle and humble leader Who shares His life with His followers. The ‘yoke’ or law of Christ, as we saw [in Romans 5], is the interior impulse of the Spirit. It cannot be burdensome, since it is a joy to carry, a way of living with Christ and by his Spirit. Even the joy of martyrs, subjected as they are to physical pains, is a constant feature of accounts of martyrdom."
1) The Law is God's revelation of Himself. That's astounding. Why are we Christians not taught it AS such??
2) The Law is a gift of Love inasmuch as it IS a gift of Self. It is only "burdensome" in the same way caring for an infant or upkeeping a marriage is.
3) A tyrant is defined as "an individual who arrogates to himself the royal authority absolutely, without having a right to it;" therefore "a sovereign or other ruler who uses power in ways that are unjustly cruel, harsh, or severe; arbitrary or oppressive; despotic;" even "a compulsory influence."
Christ is none of those things. He CANNOT be those things, ever. But let that really sink in.
First, He has full rights to His Power. This, however, is WHERE unbelievers like to point and shout "despotism!" But they only accuse because they are ignorant of His Character. He is indeed an "absolute ruler"-- He is in fact THE Master of ALL Creation, the Lord of the entire Cosmos-- but although He "governs according to his own will, under a recognized right," He is NOT "uncontrolled by constitutional restrictions," in the sense that He is completely obedient to His Father, and His Father IS THE LAW, and that Law is PURE AND HOLY LOVE. Furthermore, Christ is never unconcerned or untouched by "the wishes of his subjects." He is in fact SO concerned and touched that He BECAME "one of His subjects" in His Incarnation and shared HIS Life with US.
...
4) The true definition of the famous "easy yoke"-- joy born of love.
...

 
Up for SHJ Mass. Klonoa alarm, deeply soothing.
Needed it because of CNC dream hack flat nightmare

Jade pickup. Listening to Milliontown
Car talk focused on gender. very upsetting, disturbing
At one point she referenced the BARKING. Said it was because of a visceral rage-hate at her identity feeling threatened? And her thought process was-- and I quote-- "KILL IT."
ALSO said that if her therapist continued to deny her hormones because she was suicidal, she'd have to "mess him up" and next time would "bring her knife."
YEAH. And yet she Cannot comprehend why we were/all scared of her when she'd be so unstable.

Wegmans stop
MASSIVE MENTAL SPACE DIFFERENCE between social mode & internal anchoring. We'd never FELT that in such sudden succession before. Disturbing.
Hard to stay stable in store. Genesis & Laurie helping, reminding me to use ANCHOR OVERLAYS to stay in body.
At one point Laurie was telling me not to do something? And she reached out to move my face towards her. This did stop me, but it also was a bit triggering-- too soft. She noticed & admitted & apologized for this, but it still worked... so she immediately shifted to grab the hair at the back of my head to lift me up a bit, just that slight violence. Well let me tell you that LIT my heart UP. Immediately brought me back into myself, shut down social inanity.

Got figs for car emergency food. Struck me just how MANY foods have "trauma terror" attached to them. Our past is a terrible shambles in that regard; how did we ever live??

Waiting for jade now. Hoping we'll be able to make it to Saint Anne's on time.

"A man of discernment, meditating on the healing Divine Providence, bears with thanksgiving the misfortunes that come to him. He sees their causes in his own sins, and not in anyone else. But a mindless man, when he sins and receives the punishment for it, considers the cause of his misfortune to be God, or people, not understanding God's care for him." (St. Maximus the Confessor)
...So many of our thriskefoni think like that. They literally think that every single little thing "bad" that happens is GOD PUNISHING US. They have this mindset that God is "bullying them" or "pushing them around," never seeing Him as gentle or kind or merciful, ONLY as a brutalizer. Yes we were raised that way but it's FALSE and TOXIC and we NEED to heal this.
...It's actually so much easier, and weirdly reassuring, to see misfortunes simply as consequences of our sins? Of course we don't want to sin, and their reality is terrifying, but... seeing the cause & effect is so much more sensible than thinking God is just treating us like a punching bag. Nope, it's just our own stupidity coming back to bite us. God's the one holding that rabid dog back, so that we don't get as chewed up & spit out as we rightly deserve. We forget that.

MADE IT for Eucharist at Novena!
Traffic killed me haha
Eiffel tower sermon, we presumed the point was "I said no because I had thought I had already seen it all" = blinded self to possibility of miracles & beauty & wonder even in what he considered commonplace, or cliche, or overhyped, etc. Actual punchline was "i said no to seeing it because i was afraid of heights" and THAT robbed him of the experience of joy. Hit hard, thinking of "fear of heights" symbolically, and applying it as such. we're guilty of that too. why?

Home for 1pm

Mimic smirking about the water bottles "knowing their hour is coming"
ALSO in car to octopath theme, to Barry: "I don't have to follow that path anymore"? FREEDOM. Saying he was detaching from his past so much that he no longer remembered what it was like TO be that villain, and he was HAPPY. Never thought he'd feel like this, or have a blank slate future hope. Actually smiling, almost teary.
Barry pondering this.  Is it because you have another world to go to? Wondering where HE would fit, and how-- unlike Mimic, he was rather strongly tied to his Canon self? Limitedly so but still. What would he have to forget, or leave behind, to truly become someone new and free?

Daily reflection, mentioned egyptian oppression, pinged a regretful MARKUS. He was all YELLOW/AMBER??? Laurie asked why aren't you violet, Markus said the color needs to stabilize, and besides he always had a split resonance. Still felt wrong, off. He was carrying FAR too much anxiety/ worry. What happened to that hopeful bravado that once defined him? We NEED to go into heartspace.
Markus also said his color, and self as a nativized outpacer, DEPENDED ON HIS LEAGUEWORLD. Until that developed properly, HE would be unstable too.

CZ response "what moves you to worship"= "God didn't forsake chaos. He came to it, and stayed close to it, and out of it He made all things. He didn't reject it as hopeless, or destroy it as evil. He hovered over it like a bird, protecting its child. He saw in that formless waste, the potential nevertheless for infinite beauty. And He made it so."

Bible overstudy. Exhausted & fearful, kept making a mess of food. God warning? What am I doing to make Him mad?

"But it will not be of any use to look back on the mistakes, the faults, the lost days, unless it leads to something more than regret. It is easy enough to feel sorrow, but sorrow alone will not avail us unless we repent of the past, and repentance does not only mean being sorry. It means a desire for a better future. Well, then, let us look forward, and strive to learn from the experience of the past, and to do better by God’s help in the future."

Stupid small purge, thanks to tasting muffins. Stupid.
Felt so so sick & miserable after. Why do we STILL do this.
Feeling dead & empty & starving & sad inside. Numb from grief.

...

Jesus saves, redeems, AND restores

Laurie commenting that Love is the only motivation that can stop someone from being a selfish jerk, basically
"Elaborate on that." Why? "Because I don't want you running away from such a revelation"
Mimic "love holds you to a higher standard" "you start to live for others; but I believed that no one would want to live for me in return"? "It was all survival" "I couldn't give what I didn't have [given to me first]" etc.
Love means LOYALTY.

Laurie: to give up everything for God "is only hard because of fallen nature. But if you do it for love, its the easiest thing in the world"
"Problem is, love can keep you holding on, too, if its in the wrong direction. But any love turned earthwards gets mangled, it poses itself. It doesn't act like love anymore."

⭐⭐⭐"we must be saved in order that we may be good, and not that we must be good in order that we may be saved"

Mimic lecturing Barry
"You have to acknowledge them AS sins, you bonehead" "I've thought about this. To admit that somethings a sin means that you recognize it as something offensive, and harmful, not necessarily to the body but to the soul. And THAT acknowledgement requires a whole new way of thinking about life. The existence of sin itself admits a much bigger and more serious moral picture than we want to admit, when we're the ones vandalizing it."

(unfinished)